The People's Cube - Political Satire

Rejoice comrades, for our true Leader, Empress Hillary, has emerged victorious! The glorious socialist revolution is upon us! Bring the cigars the Chairman stole from comrade Castro's death bed. Bring the whores, caviar and vodka the vicious peasant Pupovich has stashed away in his mansion. Pinkie, prepare for the lap dance you promised me. It's time to party!

Let me tell you why. I have been on a long mission for the Empress. I can disclose this because you are all good socialists and I'm certain (apart from the neocon spy Pinkie perhaps) that nobody will divulge these secrets. Besides, it doesn't matter. Socialism is inevitable.

A couple of months ago the Empress called for me. I suspected that she still blamed me for her defeat against that scoundrel Barack Obama and wanted to carry out my torture and execution personally. But no. She was in high spirits.

‘Vodkov, sit down and give me a back rub. I have a new plan. I need your help to carry it out.'

‘That is very good my Empress. I'm always at your service. And let me add that you are unusually radiant this morning.' My relief at this point is difficult to describe and I started picking off loose scales from the Empress's back with enthusiasm.

‘Look Vodkov, I have had an epiphany. I have figured out how to create a socialist utopia in just four years, maybe eight years if that idiot Babrak Osama or whatever his name is doesn't play ball.'

‘That's wonderful my Goddess' I shouted and poured some jellified DDT on the Empress's back to kill the bugs hiding in her scaled hide.

‘I'm going to talk to Barack tomorrow and convince him I should be a part of his team, maybe even sec state or something like that or I'll drop the Chicago scandal bomb. He's too spineless to say no. After that I will tell him what he should do and he'll do it.'

The Empress then took a break and directed me to groom her cloven hoofs with her gold Stanley cutting pliers. I could feel a slight erection coming on. It was a powerful moment I tell you!

‘Obama will create a socialist America while disgracing himself. I will control him like a puppet and take all the credit when he's done. I will be a savior in the eyes of the filthy mob we call The People™ when they are listening.'

The Empress was at this point getting excited. I worried for a moment that I might be required to call for a young maiden for her to gorge herself on in a blissful cannibalistic frenzy. But she calmed down and continued.

‘I will convince Obama to start behaving like he's the president already, then I will introduce him realpolitiks. I will make sure he makes sense most of the time and that will alienate our socialist base who voted for him. They will expect politically correct irrationality but instead they will get something that makes sense. They will completely freak out. But that's not all. I will tell him that the economy needs a new plan. A new deal for a new century. There will be no nonsense like buying American or saving. We will borrow trillions from abroad and give it to the masses. The dollar will be destroyed; there will be a depression even worse than 1929. America will burn!'

‘This sounds too good to be true my Empress. The destruction of America is what we have all been dreaming about since we were able to think our first correct thought.'

‘Yes Vodkov. Obama will lose control and the country will go down with him. I will cheer him on in public but distance myself from him in public. When our cities burn, I will take over. Order will be restored under my boot of steel. The people will thank me for oppressing ehh I mean liberating them. True socialism will emerge from the chaos with me as the rightful Führer! Now get to work Vodkov, and don't fail me again.'

I left the bunker feeling not only relieved but energized. The destruction of America is inevitable and a brave new world of socialist bliss will emerge. And it's me, Kommissar Vodkov, who will make it happen.

Ohh and everybody who supports Obama at this time will be purged.

Kommissar Vodkov,

There are some Comrades here on the Cube who would love to see you tied to a post and wearing a blindfold. Commissarka Pinkie would probably like to give you something besides a lapdance.

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"The Empress then took a break and directed me to groom her cloven hoofswith her gold Stanley cutting pliers. I could feel a slight erectioncoming on. It was a powerful moment I tell you!"

Please Kommissar, why don't you spend a few days at the Party Pleasure Palace and you will forget about ever having these feelings for our MTE.

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Criminally Insane Vodkov:

Having read your ravings, I've concluded your avatar should look something like this:


For are you nothing more now than just a winged monkey to a washed up old witch? Don't you know the Obamessiah melted her? Now she's nothing but a lousy secretary who brings him coffee and bagels and takes dictation. (However, I doubt there'll be any overtime.)

And you expect ME to do a lapdance for YOU? How long did we leave in you that sensory deprivation chamber (otherwise known as the IFP forum) anyway?

Ahhh Commissarka, I see. A campaign of ridicule. Straight from your NeoCon handler's playbook.

No, it is not some "NeoCon handler's playbook." My campaign of ridicule is borrowed from my trusty, well worn Party Prime Directive for trashing Sarah Palin--who DOES keep winged monkeys that do her bidding, like removing books from the Wasilla library and burning them before they've even been published. (That's a fact, from a source no less reliable than US magazine.)

Only Palin conducts "experiments" on her monkeys. I wonder, could that explain a few things about you, Vodkov? Perhaps you're not really a minion of the Empress's, but of that moose-hunting hoochie?

What did she do to you, Vodkov? Remove your brain and replace it with that of the moose she shot?

She did it to McCain, you know.

Criminally Insane Vodkov wrote:The Empress then took a break and directed me to groom her cloven hoofs with her gold Stanley cutting pliers.

Yeah. Like gold would do <i>that</i>. Trimming her hooves requires a diamond-dust saw. My god, every time she got off Air Force One they'd have to resurface the runway. And they never ever let her on the bottom floor of the 747. You remember the time that she was on a platform with Michael Moore? That changed the topography of the earth there, and the FAA maps had to be adjusted.

Criminally Insane Vodkov wrote:I could feel a slight erection coming on. It was a powerful moment I tell you!

And people think that <i>I'm</i> a perv? I mean I may have Bruno: 6'4" flat footed; 7'6"; with the fruit stand on his head and the platform shoes. Or in his Joan Collins wig. Frightening and awful as that is, especially when the waves of stupidity and vanity and conceit literally bend light around him, that is more attractive than pouring DDT on our Many Titted Empress' squamous skin.

You know, in another post you suggested that I be careful about a little extra-curricular play at the Rancho. If I could get a tape of you ministering to our MTE then I could turn the Dallas Cowboys queer.

Maybe then they'd stop committing felonies.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: What did she do to you, Vodkov? Remove your brain and replace it with that of the moose she shot?

I have never even met Palin. At least I don't remember it. However, the MTE has great respect for Palin, perhaps because she's the only person on Earth who can crack hazelnuts as efficiently as the MTE - with the possible exception of Comrade Pelosi. It is rumored that Nancy can crack any type of nut merely by whispering. Imagine what she could do if she were to raise her voice!

Nansky is the only human on earth who can outstare a cat. Her face has been lifted so many times I'm surprised her eyes work. Remember the programming scene in <i>A Clockwork Orange</i>?

Pinkie, there is another source of destruction. Remember how the progressives sneered at Barbara Bush about being old and frumpy and grandmotherly? Until she said, "That's all there is," and they had to stop, and slunk back into their caves.

I know that book has to be around somewhere.