The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades,

I know I am not a good man and that, at times, I can be, well, rather self-centered. I understand that I am not a moral person or a person that exhibits decency, humility or any of that other crap the Christians drone on and on about. I realize that I am just a man, a modest man if not an honest man, who is trying to make his way in a world that is dark, cold and unforgiving.

Sure, I may have snuffed a person here and there: a co-worker, a friend or even my own mother. Yes, I snuffed out my mother, and her mother, and even an aunt or two. I did in an uncle, as well -- not to mention my half brother Boris who, upon his death, I came to the realization that I made a terrible mistake, a mistake that haunts me to this day when it comes to my half-brother -- the mistake being that I forgot to ask him to leave me his house when he dies and to put it into writing. I am still kicking myself in the ass over that one.
Comrades, I understand that I have done some bad things -- horrid things -- and that some of you, the honest few among you, may have some issue with who I am and what I represent. I understand these issues, Comrades. I understand you have a low opinion of me and I want all of you, those who think these things of me, to know one thing:

I have a lot of money and power and I better never see the break room coffee pot empty ever, ever again when I go on break. This is the second time this month I went without my noon cup of coffee and so help me I will track down and find those responsible. You will be hunted down like dogs! Hunted down like dogs and put on trial for all the world to see! Yes! And we will call it the Coffee Trials and it will be heralded as the day that the counter-revolutionary coffee thieves were brought to People's justice and shot for their deeds against the Party, the People and the state! It will be glorious and the People will celebrate in the streets by splashing hot coffee on each other to purge themselves of their crimes against their fellow workers when it comes to the coffee pot in the break room.

Phew. OK, now that we have gotten that out of the way I feel I can go on and talk about something that has been bothering me for sometime now, something that has been eating at my soul which is completely unrelated to the coffee incident. Doughnuts. Some asshole -- and I think I know who it is -- has been taking the whole box of Dunkin' Doughnuts, the ones for lunch break, to his/her office without leaving one for me. Everyone gets a doughnut. Everyone -- including that dumbass janitor, Charlie -- gets a doughnut except for me. I am tired, Comrades -- tired -- of seeing everyone piled in Susan's office, including Charlie the dumbass janitor, eating doughnuts and not saving one for me. I mean, Charlie the janitor. Charlie the freaking janitor who cleans toilets, mops up puke and waxes my marble floors could be eating my doughnut and you people do nothing about it!

I'm sorry… I'm sorry. I really didn't want to make this post about the coffee or the doughnuts. I really wanted to talk about the inauguration eve miracle and the fact that we helped get the first African-American elected president -- but I can't. I can't talk about it because you idiots are letting Charlie the janitor eat my freaking doughnut. You are letting him eat my doughnut and are possibly encouraging him to do it.

I mean, you people. You people have no shame. No shame whatsoever. Charlie is a black man. He is a black man with a black president -- that we in the Party gave to him! -- and he is in Susan's office, with all of you, eating my doughnut. And I know, I know for a fact that Susan and the rest of you are doing it out of spite since we in the Party don't even like to hang out with the lowly prole janitors -- let alone black people! Since when do you people want to hang out with janitors or black people? Hmm? I don't see any of you at the Congressional Black Caucus meetings. I don't see you at some janitor's union meeting or some janitor appreciation summit. And yet… You are letting the black janitor eat my doughnut. Unbelievable!

I am… I am just so completely disappointed in everyone here. I just feel as if no one cares about my feelings or that fact that I like to have a doughnut with my noon coffee. And… it really hurts, Comrades, to come to work late in the morning, sit at your desk for a few hours doing absolutely nothing, go to the break room and find that there is no freshly made coffee in the pot and some black janitor -- who owes you for the first black president!! -- is eating your doughnut with people you call Comrade. The betrayal. The absolute and total betrayal is astounding.

Chairman,

Are you saying that you work? I believe I'm going to faint......splashes water on face..grabs donut, one with yummy icing and gooey filling....mmmm...where's my coffee, Wolfgang?..oh...poop....I mean poor, poor Chairman.

Really, Chairman~ I'm going to sue Dunkin' Donuts for stealing my recipe...boy this is a great donut.....oh..yeah...I'll make you some Special Donuts, OK?

And don't be too hard on the janitor! He's got an iron-clad contract (Union, Chairman, Union!)

No, I want the janitor fired now and those responsible for hogging the coffee and the doughnuts brought to justice. Today was suppose to be a special day. A day when we all got on our knees and praised our new glorious and Lincolny president. Instead I have some ungrateful prole eating my doughnut while everyone on my floor laughs at my expense.

Charlie is an African-American, a Party member, and someone who always listens to his Democrat maters... and yet... he eats my doughnut. He thinks he is more equal than me. I am... I am speechless. I am absolutely speechless.

Chairman! I AM TOTALLY OUTRAGED! That such a slight should happen to you today on this special day? Why, were it not for your tireless efforts, this glorious day would have never become reality and that African-American janitor would have never had his African-American president much less be allowed into the same office so that he can eat your doughnut! Chairman, you know how I think, and I believe we both know that now that the World of Next Tuesday is finally here, it is time to start doing a little chiska. I love that term....it just rolls off the lips like the sulphuric slime oozes out of the Empress' glands. Now perhaps the Glorious Red Square may correct me, but it is my understanding that chiska is the term for "Housekeeping." Yes, it is time to do a bit of housekeeping now that the revolution is secure. I know we have been a bit lax of late in the interest of Party unity to achieve our goals, but now it is time to "clear out some dead wood" if you catch my drift. And who else knows how to do this better than you Chairman?

Now far be it from me to suggest who it is that is responsible for allowing the coffee pot to be dry, or to have allowed the last doughnut to be taken. In fact, just why would you have to even rely on the last doughnut? It certainly seems to me that these pitiful office proles should tithe their first 10% of dougnuts! Yes, we must insist on the Doughnut Tithe! And I am so glad to see you use the proper "doughnut" term. I hate those worthless creatures that use "donut" don't you? Death to "Donut" users!

I am so sorry Chariman, I am just too worked up to hear of your distress. I am placing all the resources in my reach to try and track down who is responsible for this outrage, that and the scum that say donut. These criminals will soon find out just what "Talent shitting" really means!

Marshal Pupovich wrote:Chairman! I AM TOTALLY OUTRAGED! That such a slight should happen to you today on this special day? Why, were it not for your tireless efforts, this glorious day would have never become reality and that African-American janitor would have never had his African-American president much less be allowed into the same office so that he can eat your doughnut! Chairman, you know how I think, and I believe we both know that now that the World of Next Tuesday is finally here, it is time to start doing a little chiska. I love that term....it just rolls off the lips like the sulphuric slime oozes out of the Empress' glands. Now perhaps the Glorious Red Square may correct me, but it is my understanding that chiska is the term for "Housekeeping." Yes, it is time to do a bit of housekeeping now that the revolution is secure. I know we have been a bit lax of late in the interest of Party unity to achieve our goals, but now it is time to "clear out some dead wood" if you catch my drift. And who else knows how to do this better than you Chairman?

Now far be it from me to suggest who it is that is responsible for allowing the coffee pot to be dry, or to have allowed the last doughnut to be taken. In fact, just why would you have to even rely on the last doughnut? It certainly seems to me that these pitiful office proles should tithe their first 10% of dougnuts! Yes, we must insist on the Doughnut Tithe! And I am so glad to see you use the proper "doughnut" term. I hate those worthless creatures that use "donut" don't you? Death to "Donut" users!

I am so sorry Chariman, I am just too worked up to hear of your distress. I am placing all the resources in my reach to try and track down who is responsible for this outrage, that and the scum that say donut. These criminals will soon find out just what "Talent shitting" really means!

Oh my dear Lenin, Marshal!

Are you still drunk from yesterday's festivities? Where to start?

1. Do I have to denounce you, Pup? First, you admit to thinking to the Chairman (it's right there in black and white and yellow!) and then you say that there was ever a doubt that the One would ascend? Shame, shame on you Marshal!

2. Chiska? What is this? Some "secret code' between you and the Chairman? Don't you realize that a chiska is an ancient wind instrument? And Commissar Theo called you an Intellectual! Ha! Pseudo-Intellectual, I say!

3. And about this donut business.....let me explain just what a "faux pas" you have made, Marshal...
Donut: means a small ring-shaped cake made of rich, light dough that is fried in deep fat.
Doughnut: a toroidal shape; "a ring of ships in a harbor" or a halo of smoke.

Now does a doughnut sound like something tasty to eat? No, of course not, silly pup! I now maintain that I have proved my point, Marshal!

So, in conclusion, I am requesting(demanding) that you give me an apology for your uninformed trashing of the USSA's common language (it isn't Spanish yet, is it?..) calling me (and I know that you meant me, Marshal) scum and threatening me with DEATH!
Please don't keep me waiting, Marshal. I once believed that we were simpatico. Now must I question this?????

Comrade Che, I am surprised to see you coming to the front of the line. For there is no secret code, which if you were a devoted Party member you would know. For chiska is "housekeeping," and your brazen and unsubstantiated attack on me, while laudable, is evidence that we are indeed in need of some housekeeping. So glad to see you volunteer! I can see by your alleged litany of complaints that you must have something to hide. The first complaint is too petty to even bother with. So lets move to the doughnut remark. First off, perhaps you did not notice, but the Chairman spells it the correct, Bolshevik way, DOUGHNUT. Or do you think that you are wiser, more intelligent, more correct than the Chairman? Are you better than the Chairman? Is not this pastry a fried dough? Oh, I suppose you make yours with fried doo! Yes, that is what you try to feed the Chairman! Fried doo doo!

Finally, not to worry, I do not accept the Commissar's description of me as an intellectual. I have lost count of how many intellectuals have found their way into some Black Maria. Oh sure, intellectuals have their uses, but the problem with an intellectual, is that sooner or later, their incurable habit of thinking more than others leads them to ThoughtCrime™.

Come to think of it, as Inner Party Chef, would that not make you responsible that the Chairman have plenty of fresh doughnuts and coffee at his beck and call? No question about it. So just what have you been doing with the Party's doughnuts and coffee? Selling it to some neo-con underground terrorists? Oh come clean Comrade Chef, before it is too late!

My Dear Marshal,

I am suprised and saddened by your sudden viciousness toward me, Marshal! I was only pointing out that you said in black and white that you, occasionally(?) do think. One should never make such a statement, at least not in public, Sir! You are setting a bad example for the rest of the Party Members. And I was only trying to help you, Marshal. You have devastated me with your sharp, wounding bite. I will refrain, in the future from looking out for you, if that is what you wish.

As far as chiska being a word for Housekeeping, why have I not heard it used before by our own lovely SMO? Surely, she would know and use this term, and probably quite frequently, if indeed, the word was used this way? And I did not know that there was a "bolshevik" way to spell doughnut or Donut (shhhh...remember, I am an illegal Latino, smuggled into the USSA for subversion and revolution, my loyal Pup! ) I used the USSA Unabridged Dictionary Edition to look up the term, so perhaps there should be a People's version, to prevent future confusion, eh?

I do not claim to be an intellectual either, Marshal. Although I have a medical degree (Major in Lobotomies and Amputations), I use it, only in service to the Party's needs. I would never presume to call myself better than the Chairman, and I am almost certain that he would agree with me. Besides, Marshal, the Chairman is in a "class by himself", as all know around here!

If you had bothered to read my previous message (you never do unless your name is mentioned, or directed to you), then you would know already that I offered, and am most happy, in fact, delighted to provide the Chairman with unlimited doughnuts, should he call on me to provide this service. I was, in fact berating the evil bourgeois Dunkin' Donuts for stealing my recipes....

And, last, but not least, Marshal, I do not allow any type of baked or fried pastry in my kitchens! I would be in direct violation of Article 666.09, of the Party's Manifesto, passed by the Party at the Democratic Convention, last summer that states that no food shall be served that is not fresh, nutritious, and color co-ordinated,to any Party member!

So Marshal, you can see for yourself that I would but I will, of course, do as directed by my Superiors (that I can thrust the blame on later, if caught) be in some trouble if I make my delicious doughnuts for the Chairman. But our Uber Commander, the Chairman would not want to get me in trouble, would he, Marshal?

Comrade Che, perhaps it is time I bury the pastry knife. I certainly did not mean to come off as attacking you in any way since of course, your crime should be clear to all certainly regret that you mistakenly took it that way. Stranger still that you appear to be hung up on me mentioning that the Chairman "know(s) how I think." Rest assured, the Chairman knows how I think, as he certainly understands how you think as well Comrade. I was merely reminding the Chairman what I have mentioned before, that when it comes to the Chairman, and the Party, there is no tree too tall that I would not be willing to cut down, if you catch my drift. Call me a lumberjack if you will. Does that make me a blue collar working dog? Then I wear that collar with socialist pride comrade.

And Comrade, do not for a minute think that I do not read your messages, even when not addressed to me. Oh yes, I have seen and recordedmany things you may have thought I missed.

"And, last, but not least, Marshal, I do not allow any type of baked or fried pastry in my kitchens!"

So what is this? That you do not fry any pastry? So are you saying you are too good to make my favorite dish, crawfish pie? That delightful dish is often found as a fried pocket pie! Do you know why pocket pies were first made comrade? So that proletarian coal miners could bring good food down into the mine with them. Perhaps it is time we send you to the People's mine to refresh your memory? Does the idea of fried funnel cakes send you out the door crying?