3/10/2009, 10:37 pm
BROADCAST DENOUNCER
Description: The Fairness Doctrine will restore fairness to the public airwaves by making sure truth has an equal place at the table with fiction. Unfortunately, this still will not help the public at large tell the difference between good and evil; the ill-informed non-MSM-consuming non-Ivy League educated proles will still be vulnerable to making incorrect choices. That is where the Broadcast Denouncer comes in; he/she will help the public separate truth from lies and good from evil by periodic denouncements over the public airwaves: "It's 6:30 PM and Rush Limbaugh is hard at work devising schemes to take the food from your mouth and the crayons from your children's hands. Oooh, I HATE him for that!"
Qualifications: the prospective broadcast denouncer should be able to talk continuously without thinking. He/she should be able to pronounce words that he/she does not know the meaning of. Being able to read from an Obama-prompter is a must. Being able to foam at the mouth on cue is a plus!
Prototypical Candidate: Keith Olberman
GREEN VEHICLE PROPULSION DESIGNER
Description: Now that oil and gas are anachronisms, what will power the vehicle of the future? America, take your pick: solar, wind, large clockwork springs, repeated loud hard farts; as long as it doesn't increase global warming accelerate climate change, doesn't require drilling for anything where bears or other wildlife live and can be made by employees at America's perennially government-subsidized quasi-private auto companies.
Qualifications: a working knowledge of Rube Goldberg machines and Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner cartoons is a must. A familiarity with the environmentally-friendly engineering techniques pioneered by The Professor on "Gilligan's Island" is also useful.
Prototypical Candidate: Fred Flintstone
WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION TECHNICIAN
Description: Wealth is soon going to be spread around like fertilizer and America needs workers to help spread it. The wealth redistribution technician will be responsible for taking wealth from those who have more than they need and giving it to those who need more than they have.
Qualifications: Getting the right people to do this is trickier than it appears at first glance; the ideal person would be someone with loads of compassion and understanding for the plight of the oppressed but without the cynicism and jadedness that would lead to them taking some/all for him/herself. On the other hand, he/she must be smart enough to tell a real sob story from a fake one (we don't want any ex-bank CEOs getting anything) but not smart enough to figure out a way to take some/all for him/herself. This means most Chicago pols and their relatives are ineligible.
Prototypical Candidate: Any game show host
PEOPLE'S BANKER
Description: All banks will soon be nationalized, although Obama is wise enough not to call it that; it makes the Neandertals who have framed copies of "The Constitution" hanging in their living rooms nervous, for some reason. Regardless, its analagous to a patient on life support; we don't say "he's dead" but without the heart-lung machine and the ventilator, he is. So goes the banks. Needless to say, the new ownership model will result in a revolution in banking. Banks will no longer seek to attract deposits, they will DEMAND them. Loans will be made not on the basis of interest rates or return on capital expected, but based on need. A new breed of banker will be required to make the financial system of tomorrow work.
Qualifications: A split personality is helpful; the prospective banker will need to be ruthless and vicious with the hoarders of needed capital ("Give me your effing money NOW!) while being compassionate and understanding with the borrowers ("How nice that you want to put an Olympic-sized swimming pool next to your lean-to!") Knowledge of mathematics or economics is unnecessary and likely a hindrance.
Prototypical Candidate: The mobsters from "Goodfellas" crossed with Mother Teresa
ALTERNATIVE HEALTH CARE PRACTITIONERS
Description: Health care is a right; it's in the Constitution, right after the part pertaining to free cheese and house prices never going down. But, as even a poorly-trained Obamaconomist knows, there are only so many doctors and such available to meet the increased demand. What to do? America must get creative! Who says there is only one way to heal? Could not witch doctors and faith healers take up some of the slack? What about drugs? Why must we rely on pharmaceutical companies with secret formulas and huge markups to make our medicines? Couldn't we allow people to make drugs at home? This paradigm certainly works for marijuana and crystal meth. Rogaine can't be THAT much more complicated! And why does America have an insane prejudice against DIY home surgery?
Qualifications: A lack of perspective, a warped sense of humor, megalomania and a lack of regard for human life are all assets.
Prototypical Candidate: Dr. Nick Riviera from "The Simpsons"
INSTRUCTORS AT PEOPLE'S UNIVERSITIES
Description: Obama knows education is a must for everyone in the collective twenty-first century economy, so everyone will be required to attend college. Of course, not everyone is gifted in every area so colleges will need to modernize and revitalize course catalogs in order to serve the expanded, more diverse audience (and to make sure everybody can get a degree and feel good about themselves.) New courses will need to be developed covering previously ignored and under-appreciated fields of learning: duck washing, advanced puppeteering, modern clown technology, pus studies... these are just some of the areas which will lead to rewarding careers to those who master them.
Qualifications: If you can wash a duck, work a puppet, use a joy buzzer or wax eloquent about pus, you're in.
Prototypical Candidate: Larry, Darryl and Darryl from "Newhart"
COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS
Description: In order to generate feelings of solidarity within the community and foster joy at the wonderful accomplishments of Obama, the great unwashed masses must be encouraged (or herded like cattle, if necessary) to join together to worship support our leader in his fight against evil. The tactics used may include (but not be limited to) mass public demonstrations to intimidate critics, unruly mobs attacking the homes and offices of opponents, organized electronic and snail mail threats campaigns directed at obstacles (such as Supreme Court judges, etc) and possibly anarchistic violence if required. Remember, the ends justify the means and Obama's ends are all good.
Qualifications: Barbarism, ability to yell loudly and incoherently, paranoid psychosis (natural or artificially induced.)
Prototypical Candidates: crowds at foreign soccer games
Remember, this is YOUR economy! Now do what we tell you!