The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades. Jews have Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Mexicans have quincieras. In primitive cultures a boy was a man when he could beat his father in a fight. Rethuglicans have débuts. We progressives need a coming-of-age for our the fresh blood whom we will rely on to demonstrate before every camera, snarl about how unfair everything is no matter what it is, and blame, blame, blame, blame. And throw hissy fits.

I was counseling a woman, Ethel, who lives in my ward; She'd come to me in tears, barely able to talk. I asked the reason for her distress.

She noticed that her son was spending a lot of time in his room, so when he was gone she searched it, thinking it might be porn. She found a copy of Atlas Shrugged, and her world went dim.

“Theocritus! What am I going to do? If only it had been magazines of men having sex with men! Or women having sex with donkeys! We like donkeys, don't we? That's all I have sex with, a donkey. You know Karl's father Julius is a donkey, don't you? But this! This?”

“There, there, Ethel,” I consoled her. “You and Julius are not the only people to have raised a cuckoo's egg.”

“But we were the perfect Progressive parents! We don't believe in private property, except ours of course…”

“Naturally. There's property and there's property. Ask George Soros.”

“…and we have an upside-down American flag in every room of our house. You know that Julius is affiliated with Eric Holder's law firm which is defending 37 terrorists pro bono. Is there anything more Progressive than that?

“Where did we go wrong?”

There was no answer to soothe this stricken woman. It was too late. But we must do something. What?

I know the answer. Her young child Karl was allowed to think for himself, and this just won't do. Despite our best efforts he had gotten a copy of that seditious book. Progressives, beware: you can never be too careful with a book-burning.

The Catholics say, “Give me a child until he is five and he'll be a Catholic for the rest of his life.” We must do something for the Progressive cause.

I propose a ceremony: the Call to the Progressive Life of Social Justice and Fairness. It will be administered by the Progressive Life Organization.

When a young progressive is starting to wonder about the tenets that he's been told, when he starts to question the received wisdom, it is time to act because if we do not raise our young right, they can turn into serial killers, or worse, Rethuglicans. It's a very difficult thing to be a Progressive, always amping up the solipsism and self-righteousness and the anger—always the anger—to drown out those inconvenient facts. And do you know how hard it is to explain everything away? Much too hard.

When the young person, and I'll use “he” in this example but I am nothing if not Progressive and would not deny any comradette a chance to become a Made Progressive, first asks the question, “Why do we…” it's time to call your local PLO.

“Commissar, Karl asked an impertinent question today.”

“What is that, Comrade?”

“He asked if the government wouldn't have to pay back that money it's spending. I'm just…devastated!”

“Don't cry, Comrade; we can handle this. It's time for the Call to the Progressive Life of Social Justice and Fairness.”

Employees, or otherwise, of the PLO will ritually wash and purify the young comrade for this coming-of-age ceremony. He will stand in front of their local Jiffi-Lobo, in front of the other Comrades in the ward dressed in their best go-to-televised-demonstration clothes. He will read, in Russian or German—it is his choice—a selection from Das Kapital and at the end of it, declare, “Today, I am a Progressive.”

At that the crowd will cheer. Breasts not Bombs

will make their boobs swing in opposite directions, and all the old men who are naked and painted up in rainbow colors will pump up their scrota.


Karl then will completely disrobe and two proles will put him into an adult diaper. He will be led, to the cheers of the crowd, inside Jiffi-Lobo while the crowd chants, “Today Karl is a Progressive!”

Dr. Lecter will then use a brand-new MotoTool, and the drill bit will be gold plated. After Karl's prefrontal lobes are sucked out with an abortionist's vacuum, Dr. Lecter will mount the MotoTool on a walnut plaque for Karl's wall. If Dr. Lecter hasn't been drinking too much Karl might be able to see it.

His friends and family will help Karl up, thankful that Karl has not eaten for 24 hours. Sometimes even an adult diaper won't do.

As Carl is placed in a wheel chair, he will be turned to face the crowd, which will scream, “Karl is one of us! Karl of one of us!” and will throw fake tin-foil hats into the air. It is much too dangerous of course for a Progressive to throw his own tin-foil hat into the air. If there is a Fox station nearby it usually means wet work for a Progressive who hesitates.

Then the head Commissar of the ward, and I cough modestly here, will place a brand-new tin-foil hat onto Karl's head and press a button which notifies Laika, noble space dog, to add Karl's name to the Book of Lies.

And Karl is now a made Progressive.

After some therapy to learn to walk again, and potty training, Karl will be fit to take up his place in televised demonstrations, voter fraud, intimidating bankers, being self-righteous, and all the other good Progressive fun.

That we owe to our children. And if we don't do it, could we live with the shame of a, and I spit as I say it, a conservative in the family?

All of the above, naturally. Except there is one problem, I do not have a basement. Can I use yours, Comrade Commissar?

Basement is metaphorical. One could use that Poe story, "The Cask of Amontillado."

Or you may use, free of charge as a courtesy to another commissar, one of my impaling stakes.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Or you may use, free of charge as a courtesy to another commissar, one of my impaling stakes.

Yes, that's brilliant! We will save our children by impaling them on stakes if they express independent thought. That makes perfect sense.

If you wish you may use a 16-penny nail to be inserted into the ear with a ball-peen hammer. You'll have to teach them to accept their directions in sign language but it will be worth it.

Ask dear Leon Trotsky. He never gave trouble after Mexico City.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:If you wish you may use a 16-penny nail to be inserted into the ear with a ball-peen hammer. You'll have to teach them to accept their directions in sign language but it will be worth it.

Ask dear Leon Trotsky. He never gave trouble after Mexico City.

Nah. I prefer the good old fashioned impaling spikes. Besides, I'm way too lazy to teach my children sign language. I don't even know it myself.

Hmmmm, a right of passage for young Leftists? I'd have to say a first tattoo or piercing. Especially if located on the face or genitalia.

(Off)

I still cringe when I see that saline injection-scrotum fetish idiot.
That's a big Whisky Tango Foxtrot.

Commissar, I hastily closed the door on the day care next door when those glorious pictures came up and then I thought, "How foolish!" as I realized how important Jiffi-Lobo is for The Children(TM). Thank you so much for sharing Commissar, The Children(TM) will never be the same!
(AND it saved me the trouble of administering Jiffi-Lobo to them myself, I cringe to think of the mess that would have made on my cherished Persian rug!)

Hail The Obamamessiah!

Isn't there some sort of pill we can give them instead to scramble their brain? Red Pill/Blue Pill and Red State/Blue State. It must be a sign. If the child at his/her/it's coming of age fails to take the blue pill, then The Party(TM) can just administer a very late term abortion.

Do I have to ask?

Dear Commissarka Pinkie, You could ask but the answer would be just as disgusting as as you suspected.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

Commissars! I have had a revelation! It is trite and nearly a tautology, but it was an attempt to turn brass balls into real balls!

Pinkie, do you have a croquet-mallet-shaped shovel?

{ off }Has anyone seen anything more childish or foolish than this? Anywhere? On Jerry Springer they do rubbish like this and have a hard time not laughing. Get this one down: white trash is more self-aware than this old leftie.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Get this one down: white trash is more self-aware than this old leftie.

Now that is a revelation Commissar! You never cease to amaze me.

RR, I am a Made Progressive. And that's because I'm the most important person on earth. I have done nothing in my life, or little, but all of the time I was taught that I was wonderful and that I would change things. I had no adversity in my life, and therefore have no excuse for my humdrum existence. I crave the drama of having to strive, but all I did was say fashionable things.

I managed to go through college and get various credentials without major bother, and still did nothing of consequence to make a mark in the world.

The world does not recognize my importance. I'm like the child playing sick to get attention.

Everything that I do I wreathe in importance because if I don't do it, no one else will.

I'm special.

I'm above irony because it might wound my self-importance.

I am a Progressive.

Commissar, you most certainly are! (slyly vying for position....) You are like the gold of Eldorado that no one has quite discovered, dreams about, and somehow magically exists without exertion! (how am I doing...) You are the Hills of the Golden State, rolling on forever, enraged in periodic simmering flame of indignation, giving birth to miles of nothingness.

Commissar, you are truly blessed.

Why was I not put through such a ritual? I feel left out. Where is my red scarf, too? I have yet to receive a whack from Pinkie's shovel, or a day or two of hanging on an impaling pole. Or does the above whining make me an instant progressive?

{off}

Commissar Theocritus, where do you come up with this? Is it the dry air, the jalepenos in the Huevos Rancheros breakfasts you eat after a night on the town, or what? The recesses of your mind are--are--mind boggling!

Oh, thank you, RR. You're doing very well. I bask in my own reflected glow for, all together now, I am a Progressive.

You see, we're Progressives because we want to change the world in which we are not important.

We want the world to be one where we are <i>more</i> important. That's progress, you see.

I hate conservatives because they look at proposed change and sniff, "Won't work. People aren't like that." That's so unprogressive, the idea that people are, well, people. That's why we think that people are a construct. Because if people are people it means we are less important, unable to mold them. But if people are a construct, then <i>we Progressives</i> are more important. It's a power thing.

As a Progressive, I am more important than millennia of experience and the human soul. So I hereby and forthwith decree that everything that came before me was for naught, and there will be a new order, for perfect justice, which coincidentally will let people understand the glories of <i>me</i>.

For I am a Progressive. The world started when I was born. There were no ideas before me, except those that I found useful. Although I do like to submit to people who promise me secular redemption and to that end I'll help with the barbed wire for a concentration camp to house those nasty reactionaries who do not bask in my own glory.

I'm progressing out of the world in which I'm nothing special into the world of telling other people who are nothing special that they are not indeed nothing special any more than I am not nothing special.

Oh yes Commissar, I understand completely. Social stratification is absolutely the realest of all realities. Why just take any group into mind and you will see that it never progresses beyond what progress it is aloud by his O'liness and forward feeling Progressives such you, Oh Great and Valuable Commissar.

Why it utterly amazes me how anyone even breathes without the Unanimous Caring of Progressives. Social groups one after the other have been systematically defiled, degraded, and well... you know DOWN-TRODDEN one after the other because they have not been properly and Progressively molded. Well just the other day I was considering the Cloward-Priven effect on The People(tm) of the KKKapitalist ghettos... at first I thought, "How morally degrading! What kind of evil scum would come up with such a ploy that morally degrades the poor?" But quickly! I self administered Jiffi-Lobo (and shite my pants by the by) and suddenly began to realize how Unanimously Caring Cloward & Priven are! Such glorious examples of Pure Adulterated-Unadulterated Compassion come second only to the prowess of Saul Alinsky himself!

The world did indeed start when you were born Commissar, and if it did not? We'll make sure it did!!!

Die Rethuglikkkans!

Indeed if the world did not start when Commissar Theo was born, we shall start razing buildings and destroying non progressives and their goods until all that remains in the world are those who recognize that the world begins when a progressive is born.

Leninka, whining of course makes you a progressive. The last thing that we progressives want to do is to take a stance which requires some sort of integrity except in vacuous ways of affirming various rights. And that's not a real stance but posturing.

Do notice that we never, ever say anything bad about someone who might hurt us, like Islamists, because (1) they might hurt us, (2) it would hurt, and (3) we secretly crave the security of being the bottom. Unfortunately Progressives don't know that their masters really <i>do</i> hate them. But we'll work that out by casting eyes at our masters, after they've stormed the gates, with our help. We hope.

There is nothing more comforting than sneering at the very institutions which gave us the ability to sneer at them. Gratitude diminishes our luster, our self-importance, our self-love. So gratitude is wrong. That's why patriotism is wrong. Because patriotism is an acknowledgement that there is something larger than we are. And that cannot be. So to hell with AmeriKKKa.

The proper progressive stance is a world in which actions do not have consequences except those which are mediated by third parties, who have become de facto gods.

A true progressive wants to be either that secular god or is willing to submit to that secular god. A true progressive hates personal responsibility.

Since a true progressive hates personal responsibility, it follows that the true progressive hates himself or is a coward who hates himself for being one.

A true progressive does not exist alone in a room.

A true progressive is defined by other people.

This is why a true progressive thinks that people are constructs, to be manipulated, because the true progressive has no sense of innate worth.

Indeed Colonel! After we crush crush crush Vestern Kapitalist USSA we shall ENSHRINE!

Commissar Theocritus, you shall be enshrined like Dear Lenin, right next to beloved fellow nihlist Abu Hamza!(who of course will be in charge of Progressive Sharia)

Thank you for telling me about Cloward/Piven. I did not know that my darkest thoughts had been quantified and published by Columbia professors. I will not go into it overmuch but up until 2005 I was much put upon by people who threw things on me to do for them and I never had the courage to say ESAD. I was furious all the time, anger that spurted out at the least provocation and at odd times.

I got quite sick as a consequence, trying to do away with myself, but managed to recover and in doing so realized that anger is the consequence of being helpless. I am furious at the man who kidnaps a four-year-old girl and rapes and murders her. When he is executed in Texas I am no longer furious. Sad, but no longer angry. Because I am not helpless. (The question of capital punishment and the contract with government, surrendering your private revenge with the expectation of proportional retribution is another topic.)

Societal collapse is always an opportunity for true progressives. Then we can take advantage of the chaos to bark our virtues, extoll our nostrums, and hawk our panaceas. And this gives us power.

And power is what we want because it saves us the problem of existing. Alone. In a room.

You're welcome Commissar, I DiscoverTheNetworks quite often to keep abreast of we're we Progressives are going and how we got here. During his Excellency Clintonsky's riegn, he signed a bill to annul some of the work they had accomplished. He invited them to the White House for the signing, it is an excellent game! When they bankrupted New York with said strategy, that Rethugilikkan Giuliani made connotations as to the source of the demise... the nerve!!!

I deeply understand your anger and suicidal feelings. Nihlism has that effect. You probably could have ran your car into the building of the ESAD's and not understood the source of the fury. Perhaps this is the difference between a thinking man and a construct, that you survived. You are definitely not helpless Commissar!

Yes, power is what WE want. Because it validates us, when WE are not valid ALONE.

The Cloward/Piven report is most progressive. Why I twitched for hours after reading the link you posted Comrade Red Rooster.

Comrade Colonel, you are quite the twitcher! Yes, it is most progressive indeed. In fact my Aacorn thugs are almost as progressive and quite along the same lines. Envy, indignance, entitlement, over antiquated notions of self-reliance, merit, and self-respect. Instills quite the emotive moral certitude we are looking for in a raucous riot wanting proletariat. Very Progressive indeed!

With the Religion of State, soon our thugs will be no different than Islamofascist suicide bombers! And then comrade, and then victory is at hand! Amerikkka will suffer the fate the evil KKKapitalists deserve from two fronts! (Well, as long as we can keep those Tea Party types contained...)

All Hail his O'liness!

Comrades, this is the 12th of May. Have you sent in your quota of other people's wallets for the month?

I would have for you to be lacking in this, for Red Star's goons will come for you.

Comrade Theo, not only have I sent in my quota for this month, but also next month. In fact my five year quota of other people's wallets has already been fulfilled. Having finished that five year plan, I now move on to the next one, namely imposing progressive socialism on the entire world. After all if you can complete one five year plan, you can complete another right?

Commissar, I must admit, I am way behind on my quota of other people's wallets. It is a travesty really. You know, you bust heads here, you bust heads there, and yet they will not give up their wallets!

However, as progressive as Comrade Colonel is, and Comrade Red Star, in this department, I may have to relinquish my copious amounts of vodka and furs in order to sustain my equality in this endeavor.

I can report that me and my goons are way ahead of our quota in securing dead peoples votes and digging mass graves! We have buried at least 100 dissidents a day for the last 5 months! Also I can report that Jiffi-Lobo administration is going swimmingly, I have subverted at least 500,000 minds since his O'liness took office.

I hope this pleases you Oh Great Commissar.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Comrades, this is the 12th of May. Have you sent in your quota of other people's wallets for the month?

I would have for you to be lacking in this, for Red Star's goons will come for you.

Kind and Generous leader, we have decided to be a kinder gentler. Comrade Garofalo made us think about the Retuglikkkans and the horrors they imposed via water boarding. As well as the pain people felt during the Bushittler tax cuts. So from this time forward the GoonsHighly Trained Troopers will knock first, scream Yoo-Hoo any one at home? Then knock the door off the hinges.

Further the Goons Highly Trained Troopers will clean up afterwards and place the debris into recycling containers. Instead of tossing empties out of the windows as they drive down the road again they will recycle.Blood knocked out teeth human body parts will be safely and Eco-friendly disposed of, they shall be known as the Environmental psychotic Troopers!!!

We at the Bureau of Kicking Doors at Midnight are taking our social responsibilities. We are even driving our Ford Excursion SUV's at 75 instead of the normal 115; they are shutting the engines off when they park as well.

Theocritus and I also have started a company, which sells carbon credits. We plan to put the Gorical out of business, so you're new Eco-friendly GoonsHighly trained Troopers will be knocking on doors selling these “Carbon Credits” so Comrades Dig Deep Buy “Red-Theo Carbon Credits” and remember it's for the Children. Your life may depend on.....

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock HospitalityäINC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

How man carbon credits can I get for redistributing the life force of an anti revolutionary dissident?

Comrade Colonel, if you are dealing in 'life force' you must clear it through my office first. You can file your papers now, and expect my office to get back to you in the alotted time frame of 2 years minimum.

Or deliver now: 4 pounds of the finest Berkeley Sumatra, 10 pounds of titanium based teeth shattering Biscotti, 5 loaves of Rubber-Maid based coax crusted bread. Various funny named teas will get you further with my proles at the office, they just adore drinking them in front of their friends and calling out the teas names as if they are from the teas originating country.

Remember comrade we do allow guns in my office, we prefer sickles & scythes for the lopping of limbs. Feel obliged to drop your weaponry in the bloody bucket as you walk in the door.

Cheers Comrade,

RR

Here's Ethel, Julius, and little Karl getting their daily filling at Jify-Lobo.

Comrade Theocritus,

You really have outdone yourself in inspiring all of us with this post, and your subsequent responses to our droolings. And so, here is another drooling: I take refuge in the teachings of the great master Theocritus, I take refuge in the teachings of the great master Theocritus. And now, I feel enlightened.

Comrade Red Square,

I certainly hope little Karl was spared the electric chair, for goodness sakes. We can't all endure the sins heroism of our fathers and mothers.

Red Square wrote:Here's Ethel, Julius, and little Karl getting their daily filling at Jiffy-Lobo.

Comrade Red Square... IAROTFLMAO! Hrmmm... Hrmmmm... I mean, what a glorious picture of young Karl and Family. It makes a prole proud to see the shear humanity of such a great mind! Ah the miracles of Jiffi-Lobo....

Thank you, Red, for your inspiring picture. I shall hang it on the wall, next to the gold-plated MotoTool that Dr. Lecter used to, er, correct young Karl to make sure that he can never err and become a Rethuglican.

It's ten o'clock. Are your children thinking? While channel-surfing, did you stop on Faux News? If so, it's off to Jiffi-Lobo. We are installing drive-by service, like Jack-in-the-Box or Whataburger, when the dining room is closed down. Be sure to drive by in your SUV, and merely stick your head out the window and your friendly Jiffi-Lobo attendant will remove all those dissident thoughts from you.

And Leninka, you are kind. I have taken Progressive Awareness Courses, which help me understand my Inner Progressive. After all, it's just no fun if you don't understand <i>why</i> you're being such a shit.

You have an Inner Progressive? How did you get in touch with it? And are there more? I'm jealous. I get in touch with my Inner Comrades,but not my Inner Progressives. Oh I fear after Pupovich gets through with me in the next session things are going to be crowded upstairs.

Oh, yes, we all have an inner progressive. You can get to your inner progressive by pitching fits, denying reality, blaming others, and whining.

It's easy. Just think of all the things that your mother told you not to do--and to them.

Voilà! Your inner progressive!

So act like my mother? Commissar, this is why I am so Progressive! Why my training is so extensive, I got my first Jiffi-Lobo while still in the womb.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Oh, yes, we all have an inner progressive. You can get to your inner progressive by pitching fits, denying reality, blaming others, and whining.

It's easy. Just think of all the things that your mother told you not to do--and to them.

Voilà! Your inner progressive!

I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED!!!! I DON'T WANNA WORK AND PAY BILLS!!! WWWAAAAHHHAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Wow. It worked. I'm already in touch with my Inner Progressive(TM). I'll call it Smiffy. Mmm no multiple Inner Progressives though. But I think that is because one is all you need. Multiple Inner Comrades satisfy the need to cover all socialist bases, but a single Inner Progressive bends, twists and backpedals so fast it can cover all the bases. Incredible. Between Smiffy and the Inner Collective(TM) I feel so much better.

"...a single Inner Progressive bends, twists and backpedals so fast it can cover all the bases."

What did you say? I just said it. O.K. Yesterday. I DID NOT! Yes, I remember it differently though. Let's be clear. Did I said that, what I meant to say was. Tomorrow. Change. Yes We Can.

(Shhhhh.... quiet. I'm exercising my Inner Progressive.)

Ahhhh... the life of a Pragmatist, it's rather post-modern dontchathink.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Ask dear Leon Trotsky. He never gave trouble after Mexico City.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I must quibble on this point. Some of the Trotsky cookies--yes, I partook of the gHost--left me a bit, shall we say, left me with the trots. Maybe it was because they used Mexican water and thus I suffered Montezuma's Revenge, as I should for being a white capitalist colonialist.

Err, avatar: "yellow" Communist colonialist.

Sorry, it took me time to find my reality: color-blind progressive liberator.

Laika the Space Dog wrote:(Off)

I still cringe when I see that saline injection-scrotum fetish idiot.
That's a big Whisky Tango Foxtrot.

{progressivism off}
I find myself thinking, Where's the kid with the CO₂ pellet gun or (for diversity's sake) the blowgun?
{progressivism on}

In true sexual equality, each breast should be equal in size to each testicle. Mr. Puffballs is only a quarter of the way to Ms. Saggybaggy, so it is only fair that her breasts be downsized to achieve the People's Proportions.

I suggest the surgery be performed by gender studies graduates who will best understand the issues at hand, ball, nipple, etc.

Congratulations, Theocritus! You are finally the recipient of Pinkie's Prestigious Beet of the Week Award!


Your eligibility was determined by a new Party program promoting recognition in the name of diversity, empathy, and victimhood. (Among other things, Carrie Prejean hates you.)

This program, which evolved from affirmative action quotas, is designed to silence those critics who charge that Beet of the Week is awarded solely on the basis of high quality work for the Party, that it unfairly favors creativity and intelligence such as that consistently displayed by Maksim and Betinov--heretofore the two most frequent recipients according to our records--and that such unfair favoritism is insensitive, intolerant, and hateful toward those who have never received the award.

So don't flatter yourself that I gave it to you because I liked your essay.

Oh, and your dad's "My Child is Beet of the Week at The People's Cube" bumper sticker should arrive in approximately 6-8 weeks, possibly longer due to shipping snafus from China associated with the recent H1N1 scare that was all Bush's fault.

Thank you, Pinkie; I'm blushing red. Now the outside matches the inside--just like dear Comradette Janeane Garofolo.

Upon receipt of the bumper sticker I shall put it on my 83-year-old father's red, two-seater, convertible Cadillac [ really; I'm not kidding ] and he will be so proud of me.

I'm also going to put up a road sign by the Rancho de Rio Grande.

<center>"Welcome to the Rancho de Rio Grande.
Home of Pinkie's Beet of the Week.
400 spikes. No waiting."</center>