The People's Cube - Political Satire

I was watching a segment on O'Reilly...Geraldo Rivera stated that Michael Huffington was defeated in a CA senate election a few years ago because he campaigned against illegal immigration, and it was discovered (i.e. leaked) that he had an illegal immigrant nanny, thus causing his defeat.

As I remember (being a resident of Kalifornia for 42 years until '99), Huffington was defeated mainly due to the fact that he was outted as a homosexual. Wife Ariana (former Conservative, current whackjob), married him KNOWING he was gay in order to add some legitimacy to him as a candidate...he was outted, he lost, Ariana made a mint in the divorce (Michael is loaded), and the world SHOULD know Ariana for who she really is...a paid whore.

Nathan Ilyitch Haleski, do I have my recollections in order here?

That's confusing... my head hurts....

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Heh - Private Pravda - I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I was a younger Bolshevik back then, and more focused on my vodka and moscow girls intake at that time in my life, so I do not know precisely the whole sordid tale. But what does one expect when dealing with a fascist gay capitalist nazi dog like Huffington? Of course he's evil and gay, or no, wait, uh - we're supposed to like gay people, right??. . . I mean, comrade Hillary is gay or he. . . she likes women so; well. . .

Alright but I do know that Ariana is the biggest freak I have ever heard speak. She makes Jessica Simpson seem like an MIT grad. And this woman is in American politics? What cretin actually follows a person like Ariana? It is completely dumbfounding. Hmmm. . . do Jessica Simpson and Ariana ever get dumbfounded - or would this be their natural state so no such name is applicable?

Private Pravda, Kommissar Betty, Massively Opiated and other Red Comrades of the People's Revolution. . .Nathan Ilyitch Haleski has been ordered to the gulag by Party Leaders. . . Chistka (Russian for Purge!) Counselor is now in office and has assumed Haleski's Proletariat Duties. Any and all future correspondence to Haleski will be answered by counsel of chistka and will be treated with the similar Red enthusiasm. ONWARD RED REVOLUTION! THE RED BANNER WILL FLY PROUDLY IN '08 BEARING COMRADE HILLARY'S GLORIOUS IMAGE!!!!!! I PROMISE TO STAB MY LEFT EYE WITH AN ICEPICK IF I SHOULD FAIL HER, OUR MOST FORWARD THINKING COMRADESKI!! MY LIFE FOR HER! CRIMINAL BUSH AND HIS CRONIES WILL SUFFER THE PEOPLE'S WRATH SOON! THE TOWEL WILL BE WORN AT ALL TIMES AND CRESCENT CROISSANTS SERVED TO THE MASSES TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY OF THE WORKER! THE FACIST NAZI BUSH AIRPLANE DEVICE REPLACED BY EFFICIENT CAMEL! GLORY! RED! HILLARY!

The year - 1984; the news: "Comrade" Nathan Ilyitch Haleski - Enemy of the People never existed. We were always at war with Haleski - he was, in fact, counter-revolutionary. Chistka Counselor has assumed his duties and shall answer the People's questions regarding all matters of Stalinist law, the glory of Lenin or THE VICTORY THAT WILL BE OURS IN'08! ONWARD RED BANNER! WE WILL BURY THE FALSE AMERIKAN "FOUNDING FATHERS" PATHETIC AND ENSLAVING DREAMS! TOWELS, CHAINS (FOR OUR FEMALE COMRADES) CRESCENT CROISSANTS, ASPIRIN (OUR GLORIOUS FREE HEALTHCARE) AND VODKA FOR ALL!

Comrade Private Pravda,

Private Pravda wrote:I was watching a segment on O'Reilly...Geraldo Rivera stated that Michael Huffington was defeated in a CA senate election a few years ago because he campaigned against illegal immigration, and it was discovered (i.e. leaked) that he had an illegal immigrant nanny, thus causing his defeat.... As I remember (being a resident of Kalifornia for 42 years until '99), Huffington was defeated mainly due to the fact that he was outted as a homosexual. Wife Ariana (former Conservative, current whackjob), married him KNOWING he was gay in order to add some legitimacy to him as a candidate...he was outted, he lost, Ariana made a mint in the divorce (Michael is loaded), and the world SHOULD know Ariana for who she really is...a paid whore.... Nathan Ilyitch Haleski, do I have my recollections in order here?

First, must ask... am curious... wait... let me just turn on this bright light and point it at your eyes for moment.... theeere now... comfortable? Good... must ask, since Kommissar Betty (Kommissar being keeper and protektor of official truth, and party line - re-edukator of the masses when necessary)... and our own Kommissar Betty clearly having been 'roofied' this weekend at her local taberna... so... hold on... electrode nipple clamps not too tight? Good... I ask... when you call yourself "Private" Pravda, is this rank, or are you claiming ownership to Pravda - Truth and Justice (word is meaning both). If it is kapitalist word trick, is very amusing... promise I won't tell anyone... really... that you are claiming individual ownership of Truth and Justice... If you only hold rank of private, is okay too... oop... bucket of water is cold, no?... But I have feeling is quiet joke against comrades... which I won't tell anyone about... really... and no, those aren't wires leading from leg of chair to car battery... (incoherent screaming in background...)... Glad to hear it! Vodka?

And now that interrog...ahem... conversation is over... to your question... Even in Kanada, story of "illegal nanny is to Huffington" as "jism is to Little Blue Dress" (just like SAT question, no?) is well-known... The trick is dates and timing... Huffington's first go in US Congress was '92 - '94... he was bored dilettante, and a bit - well... cracked in the Kremlin... he wins... so he decides to run for US Senate in '94, with backing of people in Party... and by all accounts, he ran, hoping to lose both seat and very expensive pants, or at least, make pants into Capri's... he lost by less than 2% of vote anyway, and the big rotting smell surrounding his campaign came from the fact that he had employed an illegal immigrant from 1989 - 1993 while campaigning on platform of addressing problem of illegal immigration. He didn not officially come out of his closet until 1998, though there were whispers and many people knew that he struggled with his orientation. That he had previously defeated William E. Dannemeyer in a primary to his Senate loss, and Dannemeyer is known for his viciousness towards homosexuals belies the idea that he lost the senate race because he was outed... it was a close race. By most accounts, the deciding factor was actually his wife - Arianna - whom you refer to as "paid whore" (are there other kinds?... all whores are paid in one form or other... now she is media whore)...

See... Kanadjians not so simple... though still don't understand how can someone designated "Scooter" be indicted... but then, still do not understand how arbitrary line is drawn in defining "sexual relations with that woman" - whether with cigar or penis, from woman's perspective, is still getting f**ked...

So Private Pravda... Sorry for torture... and also very big apology for cousin Geraldo (yes... it true... we call him Jerry... is distant cousin from Jewish side of his family and great embarrassment to us all)...

Could someone please get Betski cup of kava and aspirins? Is not her fault she was slipped mickey at taberna and is clearly in need of assistance... I have to go now to check if they will be turning building's fire alarm off any time soon - very noisy and it upsets octegenarian diabetic cat... insane lady from 3rd floor (cross between Carmen Miranda and Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond) appears to have gone off her meds (or taken too many again... is so easy to forget) and fallen asleep with lit cigarette... but Firemen were very nice (must check on Sister Opiated and take her down elevator or carry down - very exciting! - as she is official member of Disabled Party - as in old country, membership has privileges - and cannot go down 10 flights of stairs) and have just come to reassure that fire is out and is not dirty bomb set off to celebrate Ramadan... Lobby-cam has proven very amusing television tonight...

Best
Sister Massively Opiated...

ps... sorry for nipple electrodes... will stop stinging in few days and helps to rub with a little chicken fat or lard...

Honoured Counselor Chistka,

Chistka Counselor wrote:Heh - Private Pravda - I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I was a younger Bolshevik back then, and more focused on my vodka and moscow girls intake at that time in my life, so I do not know precisely the whole sordid tale. But what does one expect when dealing with a fascist gay capitalist nazi dog like Huffington? Of course he's evil and gay, or no, wait, uh - we're supposed to like gay people, right??. . . I mean, comrade Hillary is gay or he. . . she likes women so; well. .

We were all younger and more dissident once, were we not? As young socialist/punk/goth on Kanadjian Steppes, I myself once attended underground BB Gabor concert and slammed to "Nyet, Nyet, Soviet"... you know what they say... If you are not socialist in your youth, you have no heart... if you are not Communist when grown, you are purged (I understand in some korrupt kapitalist regimes, they say if you are not kapitalist when grown, you have no brain, but we will purge them all, will we not?).

But must korrect - Huffington is idioscyncractic dilletante with too much money to waste, and no idea what to do with himself... and he struggled mightily with himself and his idealolgy before admitting to himself honestly that he was gay man, but is not reason to hate. We must pity confused rich decadent bisexual - so many mixed messages from establishment... from edukation... from religion... from crazy Greek wife... Issue must never be to hate or approve of homosexuals or not on basis of homosexuality... person is good or bad for kollective... person is decent or sociopath... I know this goes against party line, but in this I must be heterodox (no - is not double-speak... am not hermaphrodite... am heterosexual woman)... I think it must never be issue unless it impacts on party, and I am willing to incur Glorious Red Square's displeasure, but must say it. Purge me if you must, but I will not be silent on this one.

Chistka Counselor wrote:Alright but I do know that Ariana is the biggest freak I have ever heard speak. She makes Jessica Simpson seem like an MIT grad. And this woman is in American politics? What cretin actually follows a person like Ariana? It is completely dumbfounding. Hmmm. . . do Jessica Simpson and Ariana ever get dumbfounded - or would this be their natural state so no such name is applicable?

As Private Pravda pointed out, she is whore... that she is now media whore rather than paid wife and mouthpiece makes her no less so. Why does this suprise you so? Is kulture of stupidity - lowest common denominator - but at least she has singlehandedly kept Bill Maher's career afloat... but goes long way to explaining Maher's complete disinterest in women as anything but objekts in his personal life.

Anyway... sorry for overly serious answer completely lacking in smart-ass witticism... fire alarm and acrid smell of crazy lady's burning mattress has given Sister very big headache.

S.O.M.
Heterodox, some-time interior dekorator.

Honourable Counselor,

Chistka Counselor wrote:The year - 1984; the news: "Comrade" Nathan Ilyitch Haleski - Enemy of the People never existed. We were always at war with Haleski - he was, in fact, counter-revolutionary. Chistka Counselor has assumed his duties and shall answer the People's questions regarding all matters of Stalinist law, the glory of Lenin or THE VICTORY THAT WILL BE OURS IN'08! ONWARD RED BANNER! WE WILL BURY THE FALSE AMERIKAN "FOUNDING FATHERS" PATHETIC AND ENSLAVING DREAMS! TOWELS, CHAINS (FOR OUR FEMALE COMRADES) CRESCENT CROISSANTS, ASPIRIN (OUR GLORIOUS FREE HEALTHCARE) AND VODKA FOR ALL!

What would you like me to do with non-existent correspondence to non-existent Enemy of the People, not known as "Comrade" Nathan Ilyitch Haleski? He left me key to his non-existent apartment while he went to dacha for couple weeks to fish for smelt, so I could collect non-existent mail and feed non-existent cat. Chairman Maow is mewling for dinner and non-existent kitski litter needs changing.

Respectfully,
S.M.O.

There can be no correspondence from this "Haleski" as he does not exist. I should know, since I've been given broad prosecutorial powers by the State. Therefore there can be no key, apartment, smelt, or cat. Even if this fictional character Haleski had existed at one point in time (which he did not) I seriously doubt a Party cat with a Proletariat name such as "Chairman Maow" would reside with such a non existent counter-revolutionary.

If you do have correspondence which you believe to be from this "Haleski" then you need to report to the Ministry of Truth post haste. Then, to relieve you of your mental strain over this matter, the Travel Bureau needs you to report soon after in order to provide you with transportation to a beautiful vacation spot where all your worries will be forgotten. Practice Crimestop more effectively in the future and this mental condition of yours will not arise again. Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is strength!

Chistka Counselor wrote:If you do have correspondence which you believe to be from this "Haleski" then you need to report to the Ministry of Truth post haste. Then, to relieve you of your mental strain over this matter, the Travel Bureau needs you to report soon after in order to provide you with transportation to a beautiful vacation spot where all your worries will be forgotten. Practice Crimestop more effectively in the future and this mental condition of yours will not arise again. Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is strength!

Revered Chistka Counselor,

Haleski? What Haleski? I know of no Haleski, but for some imposter who did live accross the hall from me for a short time, and has left me will his non-existent phone bill, his non-existent hydro bill, and his non-existent decadent Victoria Secrets Catalogue (there is great non-existent lace-up bustier on page 46, but all bras are padded for some reason... is very annoying as pads do not easily detach and I end up looking like twin Soviet Typhoon-Class Nuclear-powered Ballistic Missile Submarines berthed beside each other)... In any case, will be no need to visit Travel Bureau... I'm goin' to Disneylan... ahem... Cuba... for brief respite.

Dasvidanya
S.M.O.