10/27/2009, 10:11 pm
President Obama today astounded the nation and the world by revealing a vast group of solar-powered robotic community organizers, ready to do his bidding and bring hope and change to the world by any means necessary.
Dubbed "Collusus: The Obama Project", the legion is the fruit of months of tinkering in the White House basement out of the public eye, while aides covered by telling the nation that the President was playing golf or eating waffles. Each unit contains over 3 million parts, costs over 10 billion dollars and has the community organizing power of over 100 ACORNs. "Now we know what happened to all the Stimulus money" said one unnamed Republican before disappearing in a blinding flash of laser light which emanated from an unidentified source.
The devices were dubbed the Alinsky II Self-Propelled Community Organizing Robots according to a mad scientist who requested anonimity. The source, who was apparently kicked off the project for excessive drinking, bean-spilling and having bad hair plugs, said that each Alinsky II was equipped with a special screening device which rendered it invisible to video cameras. The lack of such a cloaking device is a failing that has become a major fault for traditional human community organizers. The cloaking device also protects the unit against harmful radiation such as cosmic rays and Fox News broadcasts.
Other capabilities of the Alinsky II include
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately hailed the announcement saying, "This will increase support for single-payer healthcare reform AND cap and trade! We'll probably be able to get a second stimulus passed, too!"
House Speaker Nansky Pelosi added, "There are no longer any blue dogs, just yellow ones."
NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman was also optimistic, writing "Now we can get rid of this stupid democracy crap and have a soulless totalitarian collective like the developed world!"
International reaction to the Alinsky II's unveiling was cautious. Some governments expressed concern that the devices were not for community organizing but instead were thinly-disguised military weapons. Obama sought to allay these fears, stating that his creation was strictly for peaceful purposes such as intimidating constructive dialog with domestic political opponents. Representatives of North Korea and Venezuela inquired as to whether the units would be made available for export. An administration source dismissed the idea, stating that "Those communities are pretty well organized already."
As impressive as the Alinsky II is, it is not Obama's first attempt at creating community organizing robots. His earlier version was the Alinsky I, seen below. It was thought to be perfected but ended up failing miserably during a test run in Copenhagen earlier this year.
Dubbed "Collusus: The Obama Project", the legion is the fruit of months of tinkering in the White House basement out of the public eye, while aides covered by telling the nation that the President was playing golf or eating waffles. Each unit contains over 3 million parts, costs over 10 billion dollars and has the community organizing power of over 100 ACORNs. "Now we know what happened to all the Stimulus money" said one unnamed Republican before disappearing in a blinding flash of laser light which emanated from an unidentified source.
The devices were dubbed the Alinsky II Self-Propelled Community Organizing Robots according to a mad scientist who requested anonimity. The source, who was apparently kicked off the project for excessive drinking, bean-spilling and having bad hair plugs, said that each Alinsky II was equipped with a special screening device which rendered it invisible to video cameras. The lack of such a cloaking device is a failing that has become a major fault for traditional human community organizers. The cloaking device also protects the unit against harmful radiation such as cosmic rays and Fox News broadcasts.
Other capabilities of the Alinsky II include
- built-in cash dispenser aids get-out-the-vote efforts and enables spontaneous remote-controlled undocumented stimulus payments
- heat-seeking missles to search and destroy angry town-hall protestors
- silicon-based solar power modules ensure continued operation in the event of catastrophic climate change
- a "telescreen" mode in which the units are impossible to tell from ordinary solar panels, making them ideal for infiltration and surveillence activities
- a "fundraising" mode which has a high probability of persuading donors to contribute generously to worthy causes
- automatic waste disposal mechanism efficiently eliminates useless refuse, such as teabags
- includes an MP3 player with an extensive library of material by Janeane Gawdawfulo and Keith Olberfurher for wearing down thoughtcriminals during siege actions (although Obama pledged this would NEVER be used against anyone at Guantanamo Bay.)
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately hailed the announcement saying, "This will increase support for single-payer healthcare reform AND cap and trade! We'll probably be able to get a second stimulus passed, too!"
House Speaker Nansky Pelosi added, "There are no longer any blue dogs, just yellow ones."
NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman was also optimistic, writing "Now we can get rid of this stupid democracy crap and have a soulless totalitarian collective like the developed world!"
International reaction to the Alinsky II's unveiling was cautious. Some governments expressed concern that the devices were not for community organizing but instead were thinly-disguised military weapons. Obama sought to allay these fears, stating that his creation was strictly for peaceful purposes such as intimidating constructive dialog with domestic political opponents. Representatives of North Korea and Venezuela inquired as to whether the units would be made available for export. An administration source dismissed the idea, stating that "Those communities are pretty well organized already."
As impressive as the Alinsky II is, it is not Obama's first attempt at creating community organizing robots. His earlier version was the Alinsky I, seen below. It was thought to be perfected but ended up failing miserably during a test run in Copenhagen earlier this year.
