The People's Cube - Political Satire

Some of the items below are real projects paid for by the 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (the Stimulus for you home gamers) and some are not. The object of the game is to pick which ones are which. My source is listed at the end - no peeking!

First prize is a week with President Barack Obama, second prize is two weeks.

1. - $6 million for a snow-making facility in Duluth, Minn.

2. - $30 million for a spring training baseball complex for the Arizona Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies.

3. - $100,000 to remove geese feces from New York's Central Park

4. - $219,000 for Syracuse University to study the sex lives of freshmen women.

5. - $173,834 to weatherize eight pickup trucks in Madison County, Ill.

6. - $1 million for Portland, Ore., to replace 100 aging bike lockers and build a garage that would house 250 bicycles.

7. - $1.5 million for a fence to block would-be jumpers from leaping off the All-American Bridge in Akron, Ohio.

8. - $20,000 for a fish sperm freezer at the Gavins Point National Fish Hatchery in South Dakota.

9. - $1 million to study the health effects of environmentally friendly public housing on 300 people in Chicago.

10. - $9.38 million to renovate a century-old train depot in Lancaster County, Pa., that has not been used for three decades.

11. - $350,000 to purchase special whale blubber freezers for indigenous peoples in Northern Alaska

12. - $800,000 for the John Murtha Airport in Johnstown, Pa., serving about 20 passengers per day, to build a backup runway.

13. - $11 million for Microsoft to build a bridge connecting its two headquarter campuses in Redmond, Wash., which are separated by a highway.

14. - $3.4 million for a 13-foot tunnel for turtles and other wildlife attempting to cross U.S. 27 in Lake Jackson, Fla.

15. - $1.3 million on government arts jobs in Maine, including $30,000 for basket makers, $20,000 for storytelling and $12,500 for a music festival.

16. - $450,000 for puppet making courses in Cleveland, Ohio and Detriot, Michigan.

Answers below (I said NO PEEKING!)

Check your score
# Correct
15-16 Future Congressperson!
12-14 With a little bit more training, you can be governor of New Jersey
10-11 The Chicago City Council is waiting for your resume
8-9 By any chance, do you own a blue dog?
6-7 Kind of a cheapskate, aren't you?
4-5 You listen to Rush Limbaugh in your car
2-3 You probably live in Texas or some other state where state officials can count
0-1 You are a hateful vile racist who should be institutionalized


Source: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/polit ... 09732.html



And now, the answers:
The only items I made up (at least I think I made them up - they may be in the stimulus but they weren't in my source article) are #3, #11 and #16.

#4 needs a lot more funding, in my opinion.

Comrades, I am seriously pissed. I put in for $22.3 million for Bruno's BU-T-DEN. Bruno will teach aspiring drag queens how to look real fly. The total package, you know: wigs, make-up, nails, frocks, shoes. All that you need to be a really hilarious drag queen.

I wonder though if I'd mentioned that Bruno can put lipstick on a pig and make the pig look pretty, which is an invaluable lesson for our Comrades in Congress.

Remember comrades, if you experience an enlarged economy for more than 4 hours after taking a stimulous payment, a condition known as Obone-itis, please see your doctor immediately.

Turboski

I told that idiot Gibbs to report the data based on the imaginary number of jobs created or saved rather than the actual dollar amounts. This is what happens when hydro-cephalic infants grow up and become Press Secretary.

Tuboski, if Bruno gets the money for his BU-T-DEN, and gets Obone-itis, would that make me an Oboner?

Scratch that. I didn't say that. There is no such thing. The Reagan got into me.

Komrade Turboski wrote:Remember comrades, if you experience an enlarged economy for more than 4 hours after taking a stimulous payment, a condition known as Obone-itis, please see your doctor immediately.

Turboski

Evidence suggests the enlarged economy fades quite quickly after an artificially induced stimulus; afterward, a "lack of rebound effect" takes place whereby the economy becomes severely shrunken and suffers from deflation and inability to perform for a considerable time. This is often followed by a secondary delayed reaction to the stimulus whereby the economy becomes painfully hyper-inflated and remains that way until a central banker with big hands comes by to choke it off. Sadly, it would have better to not use a stimulus and avoid the accompanying Obone-itis disease in the first place, but it's too late for that now.

Good news; I'm so ashamed........sob........ I only got 14 right.

Bad news; "12-14 With a little bit more training, you can be governor of New Jersey"

I don't think so:



OH MY OBAMA! What in the world happened? Are there no Unions in New Jersey? and what of Acorn????? Heads need to roll Comrades!

Ok, WHAT IN THE NAME OF OBAMA HAPPENED IN JERSEY? I *GAVE* those fools more than enough time to make sure ballots were counted in a Progressive fashion. Heads will roll!

I have a feeling that all the Chicago machine politicians were employed at the White House polishing the bunions of His O'liness instead of doing what they're supposed to do--steal elections.

Still, just WTF happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened, we got lazy, but in a sense, we had to lay low. I hear they were sending the redneck hillbilly possie (in NJ? I know, just roll with this) because Faux News, the Bushitler, and the like were screaming to the high heavens "ACORN stelz da elecshn! I dun stnd der wit me gun un make sur peepl vote Republicn!"

It would not have looked good for our cause if we went after them. Despite these clowns being few and far in between, some of our friends may not like us going after animals.

By the way, I got all of them right, I just thought, "What would Obama fund?" and the answers appeared right before me.

(off)
I'm so struck, but happy we won not only Virginia back, but took New Jersey as well. They both may still vote democratic in 2010 and 2012(think Minnesota), but I'd still take it as a good sign if their governors are conservatives.

Too bad we didn't get NY, but take what you get I'd say.

Comrades, I must report to the Politburo that we were thoroughly prepared to steal the election ameliorate voter errors; we had numerous preprocessed paper ballots ready, all properly marked with hanging chad, as well as a legion of experts standing by, thoroughly trained in the art of spotting tickets inadvertently marked for the wrong candidate. Alas, we made a minor error in forgetting that New Jerky uses electronic and mechanical voting machines, not paper ballots, and we were thus unable to aid the results in their effort to self-correct. But, fear not! I understand Comrade Corzine will be mounting a legal challenge to the election on the grounds that the use of machines is unfair to pencil manufacturers and the machine-phobic. This suit will be put on the fast track and likely make its way thru the court system by 2016.



What happened? Independent voters (i.e. those who still have jobs in the private sector but are generally brain-washed by the NY Times CBS/NBC/ABC poop) woke up from their slumber and voted against the billionaire incompetent bearded clam. A lot of the Democracks apparently stayed home, not having recovered yet after expending all their energy coming out for Oblahmah in 2008. Obama came here quite a few times, always to the northern and central big cities where the majority of the D votes are, but even his glowing presence could not rouse enough of the masses to carry Corzine's sorry ass over the finish line.

Corzine spent over $20 million, most of it his own money, on ads associating Christie with Bush, making fun of his weight, screaming that Christie plans to take away mammograms, public schools and most of our oxygen. The closest Corzine could come to a positive ad after 4 years of being governor was an insipid clip of him standing behind Obama like a sock puppet while the latter made a speech blathering on about some vacuous crap as the camera panned to shots of adoring crowd looking at him with rapt attention as if he were actually making sense. The wonder is not that Corzine didn't win but that 45% of the voters still voted for him.

To sum it up, things suck, Corzine is basically useless and the Obama magic was last year's fad.

Oh the humanity here in the People's Commonwealth of Virginia!!!

Where? WHERE, I ask, were the SEIU and ACORN Brownshirts? NO WHERE!!!! And now look what happened!!!! The Rethuglikan candidate won by a 17% point spread!!! That's not a land slide. THAT IS AN ASS WHUPPIN'!!!

This disaster falls squarely on the shoulders of ONE person, who happends to be a fellow Party™ member here in the PCVA.

I hearby DENOUNCE Chairman Meowsich S. Punchenko for his failure to implement the "Get the Necro-Proxy Out to Vote" program for His Excellency, President-4-Life B. Hussain Obama and his man, Creigh Deeds! His absence in performance of his Party duties has cost our "Obama clone" this election.




I'm reading on CNN.com today that these elections were not a referendum about His Excellency. BULLSHIT!!! I say!

Back to doing my "Happy Happy Joy Joy" dance.

--
ZB

Did anyone notice? In my #16 above, I inadvertently spelled "Detroit" as "DetRIOT". One could say this was a "Freudian slip" but I don't think Freud wore slips....

I have it on good authority that Freud did indeed wear slips. Don't you know about things like <i>The Gay Book of Days</i>? According to it even street lamps are gay. And it's got to be authentic. I'm quite sure, based on the title, that it's written by a prog.

Opiate, we know that CNN is never wrong. How could the Communist News Network be wrong? Even the name guarantees accuracy.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Opiate, we know that CNN is never wrong. How could the Communist News Network be wrong? Even the name guarantees accuracy.

Golly, you are right! According to Party Revolutionary Doctrine, "the predictions of an officially sanctioned gathering of experts are never wrong; in the event of a conflict between said predictions and reality, the latter must be adjusted." This is often called the Al Gore Climate Change Corollary or "Gorollary" for short.

To the moving vans, everyone! We must find voting machines with an aggregate plurality of 100,000 or so votes for Corzine! CNN has spoken!

Opiate of the People wrote


Did anyone notice? In my #16 above, I inadvertently spelled "Detroit" as "DetRIOT".
[/quote]


I did not notice, but if I had, I would have just thought they were passing out Obama Money again. Same old, same old.

I was a lazy prog and went straight to looking at the answers because I'm Entitled(TM). Ergo, I don't have a score.

Comrade Opiate, your made-up ideas are really not all that far-fetched when compared to what IS in the stimulus bill. We must rise up as a Collective(TM) and appeal to the Party(TM) for the inclusion of your brilliant proposals!!

The People(TM) demand it!!!!

4. - $219,000 for Syracuse University to study the sex lives of freshmen women.

What a stingy amount for this most important project. Really! It is beyond me why they wouldn't see fit to expend more on this. For instance, is it just going to be the Freshmen women of Syracuse University. Why not the Sophmores? Or the Juniors, or Seniors? Oh, of course, they will serviced by later arriving stimulus packages.

Ah, yes, Leninka, they will be serviced by later stimulus packages. And I know just what packages you're talking about. The packages borne by senior students, who will make The Prog Who Will Come.

Olga Katrina, may I state that I find your picture rather fetching? That's disturbing for me. Bruno caught me staring, misty-eyed at you, muttering, "Beat me! Whip me! Make me write bad checks!" and he unplugged my computer. It's that imperious look, I think.

What is it about the comrades here at the cube? Leninka with her fetching beard; Lenin 'n' Thingies, and of course dear Sister...

Pinkie, on the other hand, scares me. It's that goddamned shovel, I think.

Yes, Comrade Olga Katrina has that superior look of a wanton, and yet, well satiated bureaucrat.

As for Comrade Pinkie, when one get's whacked with Pinkie's shovel, it's not just the whack itself, it's the tongue whipping that she gives leading up to the whack.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Olga Katrina, may I state that I find your picture rather fetching? That's disturbing for me.

I have been told that one wanton look from our dear Nanski Peloski was enough to convert a gay into a straight. (Yes, it was a lesbian who told me that.)

Komsomolka Olga Katrina wrote: Comrade Opiate, your made-up ideas are really not all that far-fetched when compared to what IS in the stimulus bill. We must rise up as a Collective(TM) and appeal to the Party(TM) for the inclusion of your brilliant proposals!!

You honor me excessively, Olga Katrina. Yes, I am quite proud of the puppet making courses idea (a great society supports its artists!) and the "freezers in Alaska" concept is no doubt worthy of a great mind such as John Murtha or Chris Dodd. Sadly, I think I blew it with the "goose feces removal" thing... this suggestion would come perilously close to doing something useful with the money. I am deeply ashamed.

Opiate of the People wrote:

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Olga Katrina, may I state that I find your picture rather fetching? That's disturbing for me.

I have been told that one wanton look from our dear Nanski Peloski was enough to convert a gay into a straight. (Yes, it was a lesbian who told me that.)

That's our Nanski. She has the power to turn a stimulus package into an inflated piece of mush, and visa versa, depending on one's gender orientation.

Zampolit Blokhayev wrote:Oh the humanity here in the People's Commonwealth of Virginia!!!

Where? WHERE, I ask, were the SEIU and ACORN Brownshirts? NO WHERE!!!! And now look what happened!!!! The Rethuglikan candidate won by a 17% point spread!!! That's not a land slide. THAT IS AN ASS WHUPPIN'!!!

This disaster falls squarely on the shoulders of ONE person, who happends to be a fellow Party™ member here in the PCVA.

I hearby DENOUNCE Chairman Meowsich S. Punchenko for his failure to implement the "Get the Necro-Proxy Out to Vote" program for His Excellency, President-4-Life B. Hussain Obama and his man, Creigh Deeds! His absence in performance of his Party duties has cost our "Obama clone" this election.

There is more to this failure of The Party(TM) to get the correct number of votes. I was asked to provide ample Vote Counting Time(TM) to ensure the proper votes were cast. I even found a blind non english speaking illegal alien to do the counting, so as to have an impartial representative performing the count. She was to be paid $1 for every Democrat vote counted, and fined $2 for each republican vote counted. It should have been a perfect count. Clearly Chairman Punchenko is at fault here!

Commissar Theocritus wrote: Olga Katrina, may I state that I find your picture rather fetching? That's disturbing for me.

Er, thank you...

*shuffles papers impatiently* NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!

The Great Herr Doktor Commissar Theocritus wrote: Olga Katrina, may I state that I find your picture rather fetching? That's disturbing for me. Bruno caught me staring, misty-eyed at you, muttering, "Beat me! Whip me! Make me write bad checks!" and he unplugged my computer. It's that imperious look, I think.

Bruno already writes bad checks. Since when did he need you to beat and whip him to make him do such a thing? And everytime Our MTE shows up at the Rancho del Rio Grande he soils himself, thus he end up getting another whipping from you either you or Mr. Reno. And let's not even talk about Bruno's behavior when Jeanine Gawdawfulo came to visit.

Pinkie, on the other hand, scares me. It's that goddamned shovel, I think.

I am begining to wonder if this is the reason why Chairman Meow has been suspiciously absent. Pinkie and her shovel are often times called to a nearby Karl Marx Treatment Center to enforce Party discipline. Yes, Comrade, the goddamned shovel scares everyone. Except for Comrade Smersh in KGB Section 9.

However, it is also possible that he went on another one of his chemically induced benders and landed in the Richmond, PCVA klink again. If that is, in fact, the case I am NOT driving down there to bail him out again. I have not had to endure the excruciatingly painful experience of having Sen. Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-PCVA) calling me up about Meow's escapades for almost a year. And I want to keep it that way. Did you know that The Party™ is still paying the therapy bills for Comrade Gov. Kaine's (S-PCVA) Border Collie from the "Chelsea Clinton Affair" that Meow was responsible for? Now, I hear that there is a serious shortage of single malt scotch here in the PCVA. Any bets as to who is responsible for that?

--
ZB