The People's Cube - Political Satire

**12/23/2009, 5:49 am**

Comrades,

STOP FLUSHING YOUR TOILETS!

The Party now KNOWS that you all are flushing your toilets at least 23 times a day!

This MUST be stopped!

From now on there will be no flushing between the hours of 10am - - 10pm. This will cut the collective daily flushing ratio in half to about a dozen flushes a day.

Although this is still way above Party Protocol, it's a step in the right direction and will put the collective on the right side of history.
In Other News from The Toiletry...

LA-LA Times wrote: For years you've probably heard the advertising slogan "Please don't squeeze the Charmin", but now a local utility company is asking it's customers to please, not use it.

A debate over toilet paper is causing a stink in an upscale Lafayette County neighborhood where the sewer company wants folks to stay away from one popular brand.

Ivy Sexton's local utility company wants her to "dump" her favorite brand of toilet paper. "I think this is outrageous!" she exclaimed.

Crescent utilities reportedly says the Charmin brand doesn't dissolve well, clogs its sewer pipes, and wants customers to use something else.

"I shouldn't have to change my toilet paper because our sewer system doesn't accept it. I mean, we should have figured that out before weput the sewer system in." explained Saxton.

It certainly isn't stopping builders from connecting more homes to that sewer system in the upscale Wellsgate neighborhood.

Charmin is among America's best selling brands, it carries the "Good Housekeeping" seal of approval, and notes on the package, it's safe for sewer and septic systems, something a spokesman confirmed to us.

Crescent Utilities seemed a little embarrassed about this situation when we called them. At first there was silence on the line. Then the woman on the other end said "We are not going to talk about this."

Those with knowledge of plumbing problems say it likely involves a sewage "grinder" that sits between a house and the main sewer line.

It's supposed to keep the line from getting clogged, but since pipes leading in and out of it only run two inches in diameter, massive amounts of toilet tissue can clog those lines before it gets to the bigger 4 inch sewer pipes.

"Backing sewage, you don't want sewage, let me tell you. You don't want it." said Bonnie Siebert, who has seen this trouble before.

Siebert says she doesn't mind switching brands. "This was probably thefirst time I bought Charmin in probably 25 to 30 years and I bought it about 2 weeks ago and immediately stopped using it."

Most plumbers say however, grease usually presents a much bigger problem than tissue paper.

That's left customers like Ivy Saxton with more questions about why they can't use their favorite tissue. "I would ask why and ask Crescent what they are going to do to resolve the situation."

That's an excellent question. Since Crescent isn't talking, it's hard to say exactly what the problem is.

A Proctor and Gamble spokesperson tells me its product is totally biodegradable and is shown not to cause any sewer or septic system problems.

One possible explanation: Plumbers often times find people use too much paper.

No Shit!?! And 2 inch pipes? You don't say....

Sponsored By The People's Paper

**12/23/2009, 9:05 am**

The polar ice caps are melting before our eyes . . . the seas are rising . . . coastal areas are flooding . . . archipela--archapeli--archepelo--whole island chains are sinking beneath the rapidly cresting waves, swallowing stone age tribes, rare animal species, and exotic plants that might have a potential AIDS cure . . .

Meanwhile, WATERING YOUR LAWN IS FORBIDDEN AS WE HAVE A WATER SHORTAGE AND MUST CONSERVE EVERY DROP! All EMS services have been eliminated from the county budget due to greedy homeowners who voted for lower property taxes*, but the Lawn Watering Patrol continues to be fully funded and activated.

All industrialized countries are asked to stop flushing their toilets and using toilet paper. They are to send billions of dollars to poorer, developing countries to help them figure out why they suffer from so much widespread disease and epidemics like cholera and dysentery.

Oh yes, and we should absolutely be more like all the other countries! Yes, we must implement all these social programs because that's what all the other countries are doing! We Progs are adolescents unable to resist peer pressure. We don't wanna be freaks! Freaks get ostracized and beat up all the time, just look what happened during the past eight years!

Of course, if any country is invaded or suffers a massive earthquake or tsunami or famine, I don't know who they'll be able to turn to for help, do you? Do you think China will air-drop food and first aid packages on New Orleans if it's hit by another Katrina?

*According to Mikael Rudolph, aka The Mime, property taxes in Minneapolis are collected at the federal level. This should be the law everywhere!

**12/23/2009, 11:38 am**

Comrade Rooster, I drink what everyone on Earth drinks...recycled dinosaur piss.

**12/23/2009, 2:45 pm**

Comrades, shit is a useful material and we are all just flushing it away! It can be turned into food (remember your People's Tasty Creme^TM), ground-breaking legislation (like ObamaCare) or in an emergency, pressed into service as a substitute brain:

**12/23/2009, 10:04 pm**

I am concerned that more effort isn't being made to salvage all this shit, and use it as an alternative fuel. Just think of all the methane gas that could be tapped from this stuff. Perhaps someday The Party can mandate errr design a vehicle that runs on raw sewage. Instead of flushing into the sewer system, one simply flushes straight into their car!

**12/23/2009, 10:27 pm**

... and the trees. Just think of the poor trees.

**12/24/2009, 12:10 am**

Comrades,

I denounce myself. I am guilty of committing a crime against the Collective™ and Mother Earth™. My family and I flush well over 108 gallons everyday. And all of the toilet paper wasted, how can we be so reckless towards the environment?! I must rid this kapitalist habitat!!!

**12/24/2009, 12:30 am**

Red Rooster wrote:[TABLE][TR][TD]Comrades,

STOP FLUSHING YOUR TOILETS!

The Party now KNOWS that you all are flushing your toilets at least 23 times a day!

This MUST be stopped!

From now on there will be no flushing between the hours of 10am - - 10pm. This will cut the collective daily flushing ratio in half to about a dozen flushes a day.

Although this is still way above Party Protocol, it's a step in the right direction and will put the collective on the right side of history.[/TD][TD] [/TD][/TR][/TABLE]

Comrades, since this is the only paper I use, can I get a pass?

The other option, is to "man up", and use Chuck Norris' toilet paper:

**12/24/2009, 12:56 am**

Comrade Red Rooster,

Thank you for bringing this egregious waste to our attention. We must take action, immediately.

**12/24/2009, 1:31 am**

Outstanding Red Rooster!

However there is a clever right-wing reactionary company that knows what the party is really up to by our Go green No Flushing policy.

I'm sending a marine squad right away to that Corporate Robber barron headquarters for a little chat as we speak. We can't let the subversive truth come out any further than it already has !!!!!!!!!!!!!

**12/24/2009, 9:09 am**

I like that graphic, Snoogie, though for me it raises a sort of chicken-or-the-egg question: Does poor sanitation result in Bolshevism, or does Bolshevism result in poor sanitation?

**12/24/2009, 9:40 am**

Easy....Bolshevism......Clogged Toilet.......Flush Again.....Clogged Toilet..... Flush Again.
Darn the water is starting to flow up.....Flush Again.......Add more toilet paper.... Flush Again...Still ain't working, take the top of the toilet seat now...jiggle that floating thing in the back....darn overflowing...........Blame Bush.

**12/24/2009, 10:30 am**

If it is yellow let it mellow.
If it is brown flush it down.

**12/24/2009, 4:43 pm**

If you must flush, then use only the very best, reserved for Made Progs only of course.

or

This one says:
CONSERVE
Help us keep Mother Earth beautiful
Please Use Both Sides
Of This Toilet Paper

**12/26/2009, 10:43 pm**

To flush, or not to flush, that is the question.

**12/27/2009, 10:59 am**

child of chernobyl wrote:If it is yellow let it mellow.
If it is brown flush it down.

I need a bigger toilet...and one of THESE

"The pursuit of cleanliness can be better in every way, from a clean perspective to a green perspective. The Washlet uses water to cleanse and refresh and can significantly reduce the consumption of toilet paper.
Washlet does its amazing work with pure, clean water, straight from the home's clean water supply. Inside the Washlet, our exclusive Wonderwave™ technology turns the water into tiny, ingeniously shaped waveforms that work gently but effectively for a clean that's soothing and refreshing.Outside it's constructed of anti-microbial plastic to protect against germs. Inside it's packed with microprocessors, sensors and precision gearing that makes everything happen at the push of a button for complete hands-free convenience.
The Washlet is a lot of amazing technology, cleverly disguised as a toilet seat that fits virtually any standard toilet. It uses pure clean water to cleanse you like never before. Using it couldn't be simpler or easier; just reach for the remote, select the area you want to wash, push another button and warm air dries you."
The State will make this mandatory in 2010...grey water will be used to conserve fresh water for Commisars.

**12/27/2009, 11:02 am**

BTW, this is a real product..no ~~shit~~ kidding.

**12/27/2009, 1:16 pm**

S.A.F. wrote
Using it couldn't be simpler or easier; just reach for the remote, select the area you want to wash, push another button and warm air dries you."

Glorious news! So much to look forward to in the new year. There is, of course, a button to push for warm water?

**12/27/2009, 1:49 pm**

Sea, Air and Field!
Does this remote have an optical scanner?
You know...for those tough spots that are hard to find.

This sounds like a very manly bidet. Just the fact it comes with a remote makes it a very manly bidet.

What's the psi of pressure for the stream?
How hot is the air from the blower?

This is glorious news Comrades!
No longer does the unwashed masses need to go to a bourgoisie golf course to use a ball washer!

**12/27/2009, 2:14 pm**

Fear not comrades, good progs at college serve the collective good (no, not Gollum). Why, when nature calls me, I run to the KKKapitalist, machinist bathrooms ready to use it, seeing as they're closer, but when I get there, our good environmentally friendly servers gather all the toilet paper they can, and shove it into the KKKapitalist krappers in protest. I then have to resort to going to another floor, which they too have been gloriously clogged. Thankfully, we are near a government protected forest and they allow such activities in there.

It's been so cold up there some of our comrades have made the good effort of crapping on the floor of the bathroom, picking it up with an environmentally friendly bag, then dropping it off in the forest.

(off)
Anyone else get the feeling it will become that one day?

**12/28/2009, 3:49 pm**

I am storing in an underground concrete container in the back yard.

I also have the tallest back yard trees in the neighborhood. This disturbs me greatly as I do not want my neighbor's trees to appear less equal than mine.

**12/29/2009, 6:30 am**

Leninka wrote:Comrade Red Rooster,

Thank you for bringing this egregious waste to our attention. We must take action, immediately.

Here is a TV Show in which a German Genosse explains to his wife how to save people's toilet paper:

The People's Cube - Political Satire

Toilet Guilt! YOU are Guilty As Charged!