The People's Cube - Political Satire

FROM THE DESK OF JANET NAPOLITANO - SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hi Folks!

First, I want to comment on that unfortunate incident we had on the Detroit-bound airplane on Christmas Day. After much investigation, at this time we are pretty sure that it was an act of terrorism. We're not absolutely positive yet and we have a few more leads we want to run down, but all the signs point that way. Now, I don't want people to get excited about this and start running around like chickens without heads screaming "Terrorism!" in the streets, because that is what you all usually do in cases like this. The reason there's no need to panic is because this appears to be an isolated unfortunate incident; by that, I mean there was nobody else on the plane whose underwear was smoking without a good explanation. Anyway, that's what the alleged perpetrator's lawyer told us, and we believe him because, well, he seems like an honest guy. So, I think we can close the book on this one now.

Next, I want to clarify some things that I have said that a bunch of right-wing nervous nellies have been making a big deal about. I was interviewed a couple of times after the aforementioned unfortunate incident happened and I told one reporter that I thought our Unfortunate Incident Prevention System had worked. As is usually the case, another reporter got wind of that, took it out of context and went ballistic on me and got me all confused and I ended up telling him that I thought our Unfortunate Incident Prevention System didn't work. So, before I go any further, let me state for the record what it is I meant; our Unfortunate Incident Prevention System did work but I mean that in the same sense that the old Soviet-era Trabant automobiles worked. That is, they generally didn't work in the sense that one could get in and turn the key and be able to drive it off. But, if you were close to a nice big hill and a stiff tailwind came up, those cars worked pretty well. So if you were a Trabant owner in the latter category, you were pretty happy with it. If you were not, maybe not so much. THAT'S what I was trying to tell that first reporter before he bolixed me up; the Unfortunate Incident Prevention System does work, given the right circumstances. I hope I've finally made that clear.

Still, we in the Obama Administration realize that it's possible there are some of you out there are really bothered by this and not just making a ruckus trying to make the President miss a putt or something (he really HATES it when folks do that and Biden does it all the time. It gets old after awhile.) So, we carefully analyzed this isolated unfortunate incident and put our heads together to try and come up with ways to make air travel still safer than it already is. Now, we decided it would be counter-productive to lose our heads and come up with stupid ideas that obviously won't work, such as stopping people from very religious countries who pay cash for tickets and board without luggage and not letting them fly into American cities. This simply wouldn't work because lots of people get on planes without luggage; President Obama does it all the time! Another idea we rejected was to have more sharing of information amongst the various agencies, CIA, DIA, FBI, Homeland Security, etc. This sounds like a good idea at first glance but in reality, we're all so busy here in the federal government and we just don't have the time to chat on the phone and keep in touch with one another.

In the end, we did come up with some new common-sense regulations that you people out there who're doing the flying will have to observe. They may make travelling a little more difficult, for example, you may have to come out to the airport a few hours earlier and stuff, but in the end it's all for your own safety so folks will just have to shut up and do what they're told or else no dessert tonight stay home.

Anyway, effective immediately, these new regulations will be in effect for all planes leaving from or heading towards American cities:

• All underwear must be inspected before boarding.
  
• No one will be permitted to wear underwear during takeoffs or landings.
  
• No one will be permitted to use an electronic device - cell phone, computer, game boy, flashlight, defibrillator, nothing - during the first and last 60 minutes of a flight. Now, critics may say "Well, what's to stop an Unfortunate Incident Plan (UIP) from being put into action 62 minutes before the flight lands?" That's not a realistic criticism; we said NO electronic devices can be used during the last 60 minutes of a flight and that includes watches! Enough said.
  
• All cabin lights will be turned out during the first and last 45 minutes of a flight. An Unfortunate Incident Plan (UIP) can't be put into action if the planner can't read it. And as we said before, NO FLASHLIGHTS!
  
• All carryon luggage must be inspected before boarding. The only exception to this is carryon luggage which may not be inspected due to religious reasons. The person desiring this exemption should bring a note from their Imam if this is the case.
  
• No talking will be allowed during flights. This will prevent UIP participants from communicating and coordinating their UIP.
  
• Toilet use during the flight will be prohibited except during random periods which will be announced by the attendants. This will make it impossible for UIP participants to predict when they will be able to retrieve the weapons they smuggled past security and hid in the toilet. Anyone finding a weapon in a toilet should leave it there as we want to catch the UIP participant with it on him in order to successfully prosecute him.
  
• No cake, pie or other easily hollowed-out foods where a weapon can be secreted will be allowed on planes.
  
• No popping of bubblegum while the plane is in flight as it may simulate the sound of an explosion and cause panic.

Okay, that's all we have for now. We'll probably be revising the list depending on how things work out and how many TV shows I'm criticized on. These regulations may be hard to get used to at first but I'm sure all of you will come to appreciate them when you realize how much safer you feel. If not, just remember THIS IS ALL BUSH'S FAULT!

Boy, I sure am glad you closed with "IT'S ALL BUSH'S FAULT!" I was beginning to think you were insane.

Comrade Brain, you above all Party organs should realize those propositions are not mutually exclusive.

Comrade Opiate,

Thank you for this release that had escaped my notice. I do wish that the Unintended Incident Prevention System (UIPS), which is surely pronounced as "oops" could have its acronym expanded along with its legal powers so a more user-friendly and less-age-discriminatory "oopsy-daisy" could be had.

Would I be correct in interpreting this as making the following exemption: Under UIPS, baring naked buttocks at government officials will not be considered disrespect warranting punishment but proof of allegiance and awareness of class status, whether First, Business, or Economy?

I'm reminded of something from (of all movies) the Woody Allen movie Bananas: Why not make all the passengers wear their underwear on the outside? That'll make it easier to inspect, and besides, who knows what kind of mischief they could get up to while they're taking their undies on and off.

Also, remember those airline pilots from a couple of months ago, who overshot their destination by a couple hundred miles because they were busy with their laptops? Serendipity, comrades! They were onto something!

In that spirit, I propose the airlines do away with all arrival and departure times (they never run on time anyway). From now on, they take off when they take off, and they land when they land wherever they happen to land. A man-made disaster manufacturer won't know when he's supposed to light that firecracker and shove it down his pants.

Granted, people will probably have to make extra connections to get where they want to go, but they'll get to where they have to go eventually, and besides, what a great opportunity for them to see more of the country! And as a bonus, we can require them to buy carbon credits to offset all that extra travel!

Think about it! They can see more of America, AND prevent man-made disasters . . . ALL while saving the planet!

What better way to make the masses feel good about themselves?

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Comrade Opiate,

Thank you for this release that had escaped my notice. I do wish that the Unintended Incident Prevention System (UIPS), which is surely pronounced as "oops" could have its acronym expanded along with its legal powers so a more user-friendly and less-age-discriminatory "oopsy-daisy" could be had.

Would I be correct in interpreting this as making the following exemption: Under UIPS, baring naked buttocks at government officials will not be considered disrespect warranting punishment but proof of allegiance and awareness of class status, whether First, Business, or Economy?

Comrade, please do not confuse the Unintended Incident Prevention System (UNIPS) with the Unfortunate Incident Prevention System (UIPS). These are two different systems. The former prevents incidents which are unintended but not necessarily unfortunate and the latter prevents incidents which are unfortunate but not necessarily unintended. For example, the underwear bomb detontation was an unfortunate incident which was definitely not unintended (the UIP plan participant meant to do it.) On the other hand, the attack by the passenger was an unintended (at least by us) incident which was definitely not unfortunate. Apparently the UNIPS system was NOT working that day but the UIPS system did. I think.

Baring of buttocks at government officials is a politically neutral action and does not confer any status, unless it's done at Bill Clinton's or Barney Frank's house.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Why not make all the passengers wear their underwear on the outside? That'll make it easier to inspect, and besides, who knows what kind of mischief they could get up to while they're taking their undies on and off.

This is an excellent suggestion. It is foolproof for there is no way an underwear bomb can be designed to fit in an outer garment being worn as underwear.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: In that spirit, I propose the airlines do away with all arrival and departure times (they never run on time anyway). From now on, they take off when they take off, and they land when they land wherever they happen to land. A man-made disaster manufacturer won't know when he's supposed to light that firecracker and shove it down his pants.

Another work of genius! This will wreak havoc with Unfortunate Incident Plans, especially if Flight 253 to Detroit ends up landing in Kabul or someplace. The small inconvenience to passengers of mandated random landing times and places will be quickly overlooked when travellers see how much safer it makes flying. (Not to mention the fact that the bureaucrats don't have to do any more work themselves, the government gets all the credit while all the burdens are borne by the airlines and the passengers. Win-win-win!)

I can't wait to see Obama's face when he hears about the great new ideas he's come up with!

Comrades,

I am concerned that this proposal to eliminate departure and arrival times, while not without appeal, will open the door to that most insidious of characters, the speculator who arranges flights with an eye to individual gain at the collective cost.

No, much as Chairman Mao demanded a foundry in every backyard, I propose that economic growth by guided by the Red Hand: from every city, no more than 2 flights a day (one before noon, one on or after) per airline. This will encourage greater use of smaller regional airports and spread government-sanctioned growth and control across sections of the country heretofore ignored, left to stew in and on their own. Naturally no new airlines will be sanctioned, as too many already exist.

I have an idea comrades,

How about we take a cue from our hippie friends, we go au natural at the airports. You can bring NOTHING in and NOTHING out. You go to the airports, got through security (now with some cut backs to save money), get on your plane, arrive at the destination, walk out, then buy new cloths and other items. This will stimulate the economy, grow our businesses, and prevent a man-made disaster.

I agree Commissar Elliot.... plus you have the added anti-terror benifit of making all potential 'jihadists' look at my ugly naked penis. They won't be able to detonate due to all the retching.

Naturally no new airlines will be sanctioned, as too many already exist.

But of course. The Rodina got by with just Aeroflot. Only a pack of capitalist jackals could envision airlines competing. Or offering decent, on-time service.

What about edible underwear? You could wear it to the airport, and then take it off and eat it on the flight.

Comrades, Sec'y Napolitano is on top of this issue, and by "on top" I mean in the sense of a bronco buster riding atop a meth-crazed stallion and the question on everyone's minds is how long 'till he gets dumped and lands out in the parking lot. Under a bus.

Leninka wrote:What about edible underwear? You could wear it to the airport, and then take it off and eat it on the flight.

Excellent! And anyone who refuses to eat his or her underwear will be taken aside for further screening. And possibly some condiments.

Czar Czar wrote:I agree Commissar Elliot.... plus you have the added anti-terror benifit of making all potential 'jihadists' look at my ugly naked penis. They won't be able to detonate due to all the retching.

Now I'm off to Jifi-Lobo.

Commissar_Elliott wrote:I have an idea comrades,

How about we take a cue from our hippie friends, we go au natural at the airports. You can bring NOTHING in and NOTHING out. You go to the airports, got through security (now with some cut backs to save money), get on your plane, arrive at the destination, walk out, then buy new cloths and other items. This will stimulate the economy, grow our businesses, and prevent a man-made disaster.

Commissar_Elliott I think you're on to something here. This just came to my attention and I thought you should know about it immediately!

WELCOME TO TPA
(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)



We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will never be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

Comrade Nika wrote:

Commissar_Elliott wrote:I have an idea comrades,

How about we take a cue from our hippie friends, we go au natural at the airports. You can bring NOTHING in and NOTHING out. You go to the airports, got through security (now with some cut backs to save money), get on your plane, arrive at the destination, walk out, then buy new cloths and other items. This will stimulate the economy, grow our businesses, and prevent a man-made disaster.

Commissar_Elliott I think you're on to something here. This just came to my attention and I thought you should know about it immediately!

Thanks for the update Nika, life imitates the Cube .

Tovarich wrote:his will encourage greater use of smaller regional airports and spread government-sanctioned growth and control across sections of the country heretofore ignored, left to stew in and on their own. Naturally no new airlines will be sanctioned, as too many already exist.

This is brilliant. Every member of Congress can have its own airport, to rival the Murtha Airport. Two flights a day, no waiting. Speakerette Nanski needs to have Pelosi One, which is for her 757, and Pelosi Two, which is for other people in the SF area.

As in the 80s one could only fly 1000 miles to or from National Airport in D.C., meaning that you had to stop in New Orleans if you wanted to go to Houston, planes will have to hop to each Congressthing's airport. It might mean 30 hops to get across country, but think of the advantages to catering and Andy Stern at SEIU.

This is a win/win.

And if a plane blows up, no matter when it happens, the Congressthings of all the airports originating and receiving the flights can stand on the Capitol steps with Janet and say, "The system worked."