The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades, I knew, being the true progressive statists that you are, that while this was addressed to Commissar Theocritus, many would disregard the subject and be unable to resist reading someone else's mail. So before you read on, denounce yourself and come clean.

I recently was planning a trip to San Antonio and possibly other areas and so tried to see if I could also drop in on Commissar Theocritus. Unfortunately, he had already made other plans, most conveniently I might add, and sent me an itenerary of his trip to taste the forbidden fruits of capitalist debauchery of the worst sort. What can one expect from a Commissar who no doubt has been in bed so to speak, with a certain George W Bush all these years? Needless to say, I was most disappointed.

Then I thought to myself, "Self, what would a loyal party member do in such a situation?" Why, he would drop by the departed Commissar's dacha to make sure everything was in good shape at his fellow Commissar's home while he was away! So with greed good thoughts as my lead, I pointed my Zil toward the good Commissar's ranchero, that I have heard so much about. So thus my report to Commissar Theocritus.

Commissar Theocritus! You have been greatly missed and thanks to your detailed itenerary itenerary, I knew you would miss me before you returned. We can not wait for your return. By now, you have probably noticed that your ranchero is in tip top shape. As you should know, my motto is there is a place for everything, and everything in it's place (and that place is usually my back pocket or stash bag).

First I must tell you that when I first arrived, I discovered what appeared to be some squatter had taken up residence. Lenin only knows what sort of mental hospital the creature had escaped from. It was a vile looking creature wearing what appeared to be a fruit basket on it's head, dancing around the basement (where you entertained the Many Titted Empress and Nancy) wearing a strapless dress and high heels, singing show tunes from what I assumed to be Cats or Oklahoma! It was near impossible to tell given the creatures complete loss of pitch and tonal control. Sounded more like a Chipmunk's rendition of Harry Reid and Nancy singing Socialists in the Night. Now being the compassionate Marshal/Commissar that I am, and it being the Winter Soltice season, I showed an inordinate amount of mercy and simply had the creature flogged (which it seemed to enjoy) and sent it on it's way with a seasonal Deep Fried Rat on a Stick holiday basket.

While I was down in this underground lair of yours, I noticed the many gouges in the cement caused by the Many Titted Empress' cloven heels, and so I filled them in with some of my patented Pigeon Poop Putty. You will thank me later. Needless to say, your dacha was a bit dusty having been neglected for so long, but this proved to be the perfect test bed for my recently modified nano Jimmy Carter rabbits! Yes Commissar, I have programmed and modified my nano "rabbots" to clean houses! And clean house is what they excel at Commissar! In fact, you may have already noticed that you may have left some OPM about, or perhaps some jewelry, or valuable art object etc., only to find the area you left it in completely cleaned off. That is a new function I am especially proud of that I programmed. The nano rabbots automatically know to "secure" such items and place them in a safe place! Oh, they also like bright shiney objects and tasty food and drinks as well.

Did I forget to mention that the new nano rabbots have been minaturized by nearly a factor of 100? It would take a scanning electron microscope to see a single one. However, these new rabbots are also self reproducing and they can even evolve to take on new tasks! Because they will eventually grow to such a number, it may be possible to see a mass of them moving with your bare eyes, so if you ever see what looks like a tiny lump of carpet moving, or a flat surface seems to have a "wave" on it, do not fret or worry, it is just my rabbots on a mission cleaning your house and keeping it clean!

Now I am certain that it may take you a little while to adjust to the way your house is cleaned, but trust me, you will thank me later! I am just happy I was given this opportunity to demonstrate my new nano Jimmy Carter rabbots in a Comrade's house that can appreciate the gigantic step forward I have achieved in furthering the needs of the collective.

Ah, Pupovich, you really ought to get a good SatNav system. There has been quite a kerfuffle around here about someone who broke into the District Attorney's house, which is next door to mine. I've known him since he was born (literally) and when he came to me, furious at the damage that had been done to his house, I explained that I hadn't a clue. And that deranged creature in his basement. That's the first that I've heard of it.

Now, thanks to your good made prog honesty, I'll be able to tell him who broke into his house. I'm also going to contact the sheriff Andy Gomez about this too. As a dear comrade I want to make sure that you are <i>very</i> comfortable in the Reeves County Hilton.

Where they use the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits for housekeeping.

Comrade Pup, would it be possible to schedule a visit by your nano rabbots to the White House and Congress? I've heard that both are long over due for a serious cleaning.

btw: These rabbots sound suspiciously like grey-goo. Do they consume carbon based life forms to derive their power? That would be a handy feature since it would then be un-necessary to take out the trash.

Whoopie, you know that there hasn't been a single incident of trash removal in the Congress since January of 2007 or from the White House since January of 2009.

In fact I have wondered if we ought to ban all trash trucks from Washington as being cruel and unusual punishment. That would be like going through Skokie, Illinois, with a heavy Jewish population, in jackboots and brown shirts.

And think of the savings on the White House carpet. All those old and valuable carpets would be saved from the stains of involuntary projectile shit when the current residents, and workers, in the White House saw a trash truck wheel up on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Comrades, the nano-rabbits are desperately needed in the People's Republic of Taxachusett(e)s. That fool Coakley cannot be trusted to do even the simplest thing right. We practically handed her Teddy's seat, still warm from having his fat butt in it. All she had to do is say his name a couple of times, pose for a few pictures with HRH Caroline and she would be in. There was NO WAY she could win by less than 15 points. Then she could come down to Washington, vote for ObamaCare like we told her and enjoy a nice vacation. In a few months we would have Teddy's body re-vivified with our patented ProgZombie^TM technology and he would be ready to take over again. She would be free to go back to Boston and sit in her office and pretend she was conscious, look down her throat with a mirror and try to see out her asshole or whatever it is she does all day. But you know what???? THIS FOOL IS ON THE VERGE OF BLOWING IT! TEDDY'S SEAT IS IN DANGER OF GOING TO A (GAG) RETHUGLICAN!WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING UP THERE????

Well, she will probably win anyway but the Party is already having to spend next month's vodka and beet money paying people to vote for her. The Central Committee does not think we can take any more chances with this nitwit. We cannot afford to wait for the ProgZombie^TM process to be complete; someone else may sit in his seat and then it will no longer fit Teddy's ass when he comes back to life. If that happens, boy will he be pissed (in the traditional sense, not in his usual sense.) So you see, we must have the nano-rabbits up in Boston to re-animate Teddy and have him take over for Croakley. She is even a bigger dud than Roland Burris. Praise Obama, this is going to be a disaster!

Comrade Pupovich,

Are you saying that you went all the way to Culo de Pecos without first coming to Houston? The nerve, and after all we have done here in Houston for the pepples from Louisiana!

I do have one question for you. Do the new nano Jimmy Carter rabbots withstand the habits of Barbara Boxer, Nanski Peloski and the muscular and sturdy Princess Michelle when they stomp into a room? Nanski is given to tantrums and Comrade Boxer spits a venom lined with muriatic acid. Do they have a solid Teflon coating? Just wondered.

Leninka, an excellent question about the rabbots. I never had to investigate them that much--I have found that a Streisand song will vanquish them utterly. The problem is that Babs is a devout prog and therefore we will have to have her around all the time if we don't want Rethuglicans sabotaging the excellent Michelle, Barbara Boxer and Nanski.

Opiate, personally I thin that you're making heavy weather of the Teddy Animation and Revivification Project. TARP should not be that hard for Teddy.

Take a barnyard carcass, macerate it in Dewar's Scotch and shit, and get some 80s-era Disney Animatronics, you know, the simple stuff, and make it so that the mouth goes.

The people of Taxachussetts will not be able to tell the difference and Teddy's handlers can go back to the old business as usual.

Remember: TARP always works.

I experimented with wormholes to send the nano rabbits to other timelines, but the results were somewhat horrifying. One time Bruno got caught up with the rabbits, thinking the wormhole was something he could have intercourse with... Let's just say that timeline is off limits. To everyone. Imagine the unholy offspring of Bruno, coupled with inter dimensional time travel, and Pupovich's robotics...

Anyways I'm wondering if a supply of those new nano rabbits can be had to load into a shotgun shell as a projectile? Could be most useful.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Leninka, an excellent question about the rabbots. I never had to investigate them that much--I have found that a Streisand song will vanquish them utterly.

Commissar, denial goes so well with a nice paisley bathrobe, however, it doesn't highlight your progressive features as much as you suppose. Nay, there was no error in my GPS. and you forgot that I too have seen the horrors that were done down there with the Empress and Nancy in attendance. No, there is no question that my rabbots are properly located. Besides, how hard do you think it would be for me to send them a program upgrade to direct a task force of them to move from a neighbor's house to yours? As simple as a pushed button.

Oh, did I forget to mention, that the new rabbots are completely immune to any Barbara Streisand wailing? These new ones are so microscopic that literally thousands of them can be contained within a crest of a single sound wave. And to think.....they are a gift to you! A gift that keeps on giving (to me of course).

Leninka wrote:Comrade Pupovich,

Are you saying that you went all the way to Culo de Pecos without first coming to Houston? The nerve, and after all we have done here in Houston for the pepples from Louisiana!

Comrade Leninka, I am most distressed that I missed the chance to remove OPM from your collective visit you in Houston. I knew there were other comrades in Texas but could not recall who they all were and where they lived. I made this trip rather on the run, but would love to meet a fellow comrade. Perhaps next time, after all, Houston is but a short trip from where I live, about 4 1/2 hours. Perhaps then I will finally discover your true gender.....I remain confused on this issue.

Comrade Marshall,

I cannot believe you did not travel 500 miles in the opposite direction to visit me in Georgia if you were going to be on the road! For the LOVE OF LENINKA!

And I thought I was your favorite feline, sending all those nano bunnies for me to chase, catch, torture and eventually kill. (sigh) what fun...

oh well, good to read you again, none the less.

your humble and always ready to serve (when I feel like it) kitty,

Reiux

Cats are the perfect progs, you know--they do just what they want to do and make other people feel guilty about it.

Reiuxcat wrote:Comrade Marshall,

I cannot believe you did not travel 500 miles in the opposite direction to visit me in Georgia if you were going to be on the road! For the LOVE OF LENINKA!

Perhaps the People's business will have me take such a trip one day, no doubt there is OPM to be collected there as well. Ah Georgia.... such memories, for it was in Georgia that this Louisiana pup lost his virginity so many years ago.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Cats are the perfect progs, you know--they do just what they want to do and make other people feel guilty about it.

Which has always made me suspicious.... what with that uber Kriminal Rush Limbaugh being so fond of cats!

Of course sometimes dogs are progs too. Here's Brian Williams interviewing President Awesome:

Marshal Pupovich wrote:

Reiuxcat wrote:Comrade Marshall,

I cannot believe you did not travel 500 miles in the opposite direction to visit me in Georgia if you were going to be on the road! For the LOVE OF LENINKA!

Perhaps the People's business will have me take such a trip one day, no doubt there is OPM to be collected there as well. Ah Georgia.... such memories, for it was in Georgia that this Louisiana pup lost his virginity so many years ago.

That would truly be a delight! But don't expect to relive that fond memory with me! There is a bitch up the street I could fix you up with though.

There's a mean-mouthed bitch in the White House too. And at State.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:There's a mean-mouthed bitch in the White House too. And at State.

Don't get me started Comrade Commissar Theocritus!

I'll race you.

Only if there is a can of Fancy Feast at the finish line. I need something to focus on.

I read a letter to <i>The Spectator</i>'s Agony Aunt, Mary. A woman had a drinks party and didn't have enough food. She got a can of Fancy Feast and added a tablespoon of brandy. The guests loved it and have been demanding the recipe. What should she do?

Interesting question Comrade Commissar. FF is still cheaper than paté. AND Cat Food is good enough for our foreign denizens of District 9. (A favorite I believe)

If cost is a problem in this horrid economy that Bu$hitler left us, I'd say "Save the St Remy Napoleon" and substitute E&J Brandy. The guest have most likely made the switch already at home and they'll be too embarrassed to mention it"

A very good idea, Reixucat. A very good idea. If the guest is perhaps someone whose buttocks need your labial service, then Christian Brothers instead of E&J would do.

But under no circumstances VSOP. That would mean an investigation before Congress about your private jet.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:A very good idea, Reixucat. A very good idea. If the guest is perhaps someone whose buttocks need your labial service, then Christian Brothers instead of E&J would do.

But under no circumstances VSOP. That would mean an investigation before Congress about your private jet.

Are you implying "labial service" is somehow an undesirable thing for a cat? Heavens forbid! I raise my tail in salute when I see you in hopes you'll return the favor!

Ahem, about that jet. (looks furtively from side to side) It seems Comrade Peloski had some used ones so Red Star and I got a holt of one to transport the storm troopers. Well, at least eight of us more equal progs plus the crew.

The shock-and-awe storm troopers? Personally I think that we ought to use a C-5 to transport them. We need lots of them, you know, and having them jump out of a jet might cause some damage, like tearing their heads off.

Oh. If Nanski didn't have her head it wouldn't affect her performance at all. Have you seen the <i>South Park</i> episode when Britney Spears shoots the top of her head off and still performs? Nanski would be like that. Of course that's not Nanski; where are the wrinkles? But I bet she could have passed Obamacare like that.

What? Obamacare hasn't passed yet? I still see proles coming to the hospitals here in Louisiana. They are doing this in spite of Obamacare not passing?