The People's Cube - Political Satire

Each week, syndicated columnist Nanny State publishes her favorite anecdotes depicting hapless individuals in need of more government attention, assistance, succor and programs. If you have a grievance, rant, pathetic yarn or large pile of BS that illustrates the need for more government intervention in a particular area, mail it (along with an appropriate campaign contribution) to:

Nanny State
153 Pelosi St
Washington, DC

"Life is unfair. That's why the government is here to help you." - Nanny State

Dear Nanny State:
A couple of weeks ago, I spent 4 hours watching my favorite team play in the Superbowl but when the game ended, they LOST! I was so mad that I spent so much time doing this only to be disappointed in the result, I felt like screaming "GEORGE BUSH!" at the top of my lungs. Can't government help people like me????
- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
Now, now, cursing will not help your situation, but government can. The Federal Department of Equal Outcomes has instituted a new regulation requiring that in any future sporting contests, all points scored will be re-distributed at the end of play so that the two sides have the same amount, thus ensuring equality of score. This should make your future Super Bowl watching more enjoyable.


Dear Nanny State:
The sun isn't as bright as I would like it to be. Do you think I should consider legal action?
- In the Dark

Dear In:
Definitely! Inequitable distribution of sunlight is a severe problem which has gone largely unnoticed by the media, legislatures, unemployed activists and assorted habitual rent seekers. The American Sunlight Sufferage Equality Society (A.S.S.E.S.) estimates that more than twice as much sunlight falls on rich households than on poor ones.

A good lawsuit is just the thing needed to get the ball rolling on creative governmental solutions to the sunlight disparity crisis. If you need a good lawyer to help on this, I have a rolodex with about 60 or 70 thousand names who would be happy to help you on a pro-bono basis as long as they are the ones who get to stand in front of the TV cameras. Good luck in your noble cause!


Dear Nanny State:
I am so outraged I can hardly contain myself! Someone just told me that square pegs cannot go into round holes! At first, I didn't believe her; I called her a liar and screamed, "Discrimination is ILLEGAL in this country!" But some friends of mine confirmed to me that she is right. How can this be allowed? WHERE is the OUTRAGE? What is WRONG with people???? This country is so mean, it's disgusting! I HATE AMERIKKA!!!!
- Hates Evil

Dear Hates:
Your passion and idealism are what makes this country what it is today. I know you are angry, but don't despair; you have friends in high places (see below!)

President Barack Obama is seen here pondering legislation to prohibit holes from denying accomodation to pegs based on race, color, creed or geometric orientation. Former president and crypto-Nazi George W. Bush cared nothing about civil rights and the issue languished under his repressive regime, allowing the forces of round power to perpetrate numerous hate crimes against the quadrilateral minority. But the tide has turned against anti-square shape-ism under the courageous leadership of his successor, a former community organizer, long-time crusader for social justice and inventor of the four-sided haircut.


Dear Nanny State:
Ever since my dad lost his job, he says he can't afford to buy me new designer jeans every week and that I will have to settle for wearing my big sister's hand-me-downs until he gets back on his feet. Some friends told me there is a government subsidy program to help needy kids purchase designer jeans but my dad won't go down and sign up for it because he says his religion says it is wrong to be a burden on society if you don't have to be. I think he is being unreasonable! Why should I do without just to satisfy his selfish needs and those of some dead prophet I don't even know? Can you help me Nanny State?
- Jeanless in Seattle

Dear Jeanless:
Your father is being selfish. It's true lots of people turn to the Bible for inspiration in times of trouble (nobody I know does but I'm told lots of people still do, go figure.) Well, the Bible says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Am I correct in saying if your roles were reversed you would certainly go and sign up for the subsidy so that your father could have designer jeans? Then it is only right that he do the same for you!

Religion is great for talking about self-denial and other so-called virtures that are fine for the people who have everything they want but don't do squat for the ones that don't. Government programs take from those who have because they probably acquired it unfairly and give to those who don't have because it's unfair that they didn't acquire it. I don't know how to make it plainer than that.

PS Your father may be liable to child-abuse charges for failing to sign up for every government subsidy for which you are eligible. Please call the friendly folks at your state's Family Services agency and have them help you file the proper legal documents.


Dear Nanny State:
Like most Americans nowadays, I pay no income tax. So it really gets on my nerves when I read about the Nazi wingnuts wanting tax cuts to encourage economic growth or some such malarkey. What the hell is a tax cut gonna do for me? I don't pay any taxes as it is! I may have failed math 5 or 6 times but ain't nuthin' lower than zero?????

And another thing: why do rich people need ENCOURAGEMENT to make more money? Ain't making lots of money encouragement enough? I mean, if I were married to some beautiful babe and having sex three times a night, would sending another beautiful babe over to my motel room encourage me to have MORE SEX? Is that idea stupid or is it me?
- Progressive Tax

Dear Progressive:
You have a keen and perceptive mind like most people who agree with me. Tax cuts for the rich are just like taking Micheal Moore to an all-you-can-eat buffet. I mean, what's the point? And since people like yourself are no good with money (if you were, you'd have some, if you catch my drift) there's nothing to be gained in giving you any. The best thing to do is to let government keep the money and do things with it that will benefit society instead of letting rich people spend it on themselves like the greedy bastards they are.

Think of it this way: when Bill Gates buys a 757 airplane, it is Bill Gates's airplane. When Nancy Pelosi buys a 757 airplane, it is the PUBLIC'S AIRPLANE and Nancy Pelosi just gets to use it for awhile. Only really smart people can grasp the subtle difference.


Dear Nanny State:
I fall down, go boom.
- Elmer Fudd

Dear Elmer:
I feel your pain and am going to do my best to help you. I'm going to send copies of your heart-breaking letter to some powerful members of Congress who really care about the plights of the oppressed. Unfortunately, the great compassionate lion of the Senate, Ted Kennedy, is no longer with us but I am sure he is looking down (or possibly, up) at us, waiting to see how we deal with those in need like yourself. Universal free healthcare was always Ted's dream (as was making lotsa waitress sandwiches but he was able to realize that one) and unfortunately, the country has failed him on that so far. But with enough gut-wrenching anecdotes like yours in hand, those Ted left behind will carry on the fight at every future televised healthcare kabuki dance summit and one day they will embarrass enough naysayers into voting for a comprehensive reform bill that will bankrupt the country. In the meantime, go down to the emergency room and tell them your story and they'll treat you for nothing.

The problem of inequality is pervasive comrade. Did you know that our very lives depend on bias? Cells could not function but for electrochemical bias moderated by semi-permeable membranes. And it goes further than that. Are you aware of the shocking and deplorable deficit of anti-matter to matter in our very universe? These filthy Capitalists have rigged the system so thoroughly. I sometimes have doubts that we'll ever be able to create a truly fair reality for all mankind.

Comrade Whoopie, there is much truth in what you say. I always suspected electrochemicals were biased but none of them would ever admit it in public (although there were times when some of them got drunk they would let some cryptic comments slip, but not enough to base a good show trial on.) And I agree that the anti-matter deficit is deplorable but still the Congress refuses to raise anti-matter taxes and as a result we have to keep borrowing it from the Chinese universe.

I, too, sometimes harbor doubts that the Utopia we dream of is attainable, but that does not stop me from fighting the good fight for social justice. I am currently thinking of organizing a picket line around Jupiter; it is just not fair that the bigger planets have so much more gravity than earth. I will not rest until injustice is wiped out, one solar system at a time.

Dear Nanny State,

This winter has been a harsh one and quite frankly my back is killing me from moving all this snow. I saw on the news the other day that it's warm in Brazil. Then I found out that the entire southern hemisphere is enjoying summertime. When did this happen????? This is truly unfair! This unequal distribution of seasons is just, just, just wrong and it doesn't make any sense either. Is this George Bush's fault and what can our leaders do to bring about fairness in seasonal distribution?

I remain,
Dr. Chicago

Just is glorious, just glorious! Finally someone who understands how we feel. . . . government, dear government, of thee do we praise.

Thank heaven Obama for our Nanny State.

Dr. Chicago wrote:Dear Nanny State,

This winter has been a harsh one and quite frankly my back is killing me from moving all this snow. I saw on the news the other day that it's warm in Brazil. Then I found out that the entire southern hemisphere is enjoying summertime. When did this happen????? This is truly unfair! This unequal distribution of seasons is just, just, just wrong and it doesn't make any sense either. Is this George Bush's fault and what can our leaders do to bring about fairness in seasonal distribution?

I remain,
Dr. Chicago

Dear Dr. Chicago:
It's become something of a cliché to say that everything is George Bush's fault, but in this case it is true. Bush is the reason the Olympic Committee refused to award the 2016 games to Chicago (Sen. Roland Burris, an expert on these matters, said so!) Gaia, which really had its heart set on being able to commute back and forth from the Olympics to Cubs or White Sox games easily, demonstrated its displeasure by snowing on everyone. This is a scientific fact which Al Gore will be proving with his new Nobel and Oscar winning movie.

In the meantime, government has a solution for the problem. They will be trucking the snow south to Brazil using brand new GM vehicles. This will not only equalize the distribution of snow amongst the two hemispheres but also create a market for the cars and trucks produced by the government-owned company which are otherwise unwanted. What's more, this is also a JOBS program as thousands of unemployed people will need to be hired to drive Hummers full of snow from Chicago to Brazil.

Tea-bagging Nazis like Rush Limbaugh should take note: this great plan was produced by the government agencies you demean on a daily basis. Apology accepted.
- Nanny

I've got nothing....



This man is obviously deranged.

Down with Jupiter!

Opiate of the People wrote:Comrade Whoopie, there is much truth in what you say. I always suspected electrochemicals were biased but none of them would ever admit it in public (although there were times when some of them got drunk they would let some cryptic comments slip, but not enough to base a good show trial on.)

I know what you mean Opiate, those damn electrons are so negative. I get a charge out of them when they get together. Sometimes you can pump them up and get them out of their shell for a time. But when they fall back into their usual state it can be very illuminating.

Dear Nanny State

My Comrade south of the border, the Dear Leader of the People's Republic of Azania Jacob Zuma, has three wives and goodness knows how many current lovers. Why can't I have his wives, who are far more beautiful than mine?

Amandla!

Obamugabe

Comrade Whoopie wrote: I know what you mean Opiate, those damn electrons are so negative. I get a charge out of them when they get together. Sometimes you can pump them up and get them out of their shell for a time. But when they fall back into their usual state it can be very illuminating.

Yeah, as I said to somebody after french-kissing an AC outlet, "These effing electrons really burn me up!" But for my money, what I really hate are @#$%^*& photons! I mean, it's a wave, no it's a particle, no it's a WAVE AGAIN! For gosh sakes, make up your freakin' mind already, pick a state and go with it! And when you need one, it's never around. It's like the mere act of looking at the damn things makes them go somewhere else! And they're so paranoid - they'll tell you where they are OR where they're going but NOT BOTH! I mean, what's the big deal? I HATE ALL THIS DAMN UNCERTAINTY! Sorry, I get a bit carried away about this. I wish someone could shed some light for me on the reason for their crazy behavior.

Obamugabe wrote:Dear Nanny State

My Comrade south of the border, the Dear Leader of the People's Republic of Azania Jacob Zuma, has three wives and goodness knows how many current lovers. Why can't I have his wives, who are far more beautiful than mine?

Amandla!

Obamugabe

Dear Obamugabe:
I am so honored to hear from a brutal ruthless violent despot as yourself! As the super genius NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman has stated (repeatedly), our country could get much more done if only we'd dump that archaic old Constitution BS and adopt a more efficient progressive system of governance such as yours or the Chinese. Congratulations on your boldness and forward-thinkingness!

As to your problem, in the bad old days under BusHitler, he probably would've planted some WMDs in your neighbor's oil fields and then invaded his country and given you his wives. Thankfully, those bad old days are over and we now employ smart power. Your rival should expect a stern letter from President Obama who will draw a line in the sand; if Azaniz Jacob Zuma crosses that line, the president will have no choice but to draw another one! Those people will soon learn who they are dealing with, just as the Iranians have. Smart power.
-Nanny

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Dear Nannie's Mailbox,

The Greedy AmeriKKKans stole most of the XXI Winter Olympic Games Medals.
When is Obama going to apologize to the world and how much longer is the Olympics going to continue the insane and barbaric practice of handing out these medals?
I believe everybody should get a gold medal, especially those who have stopped emitting carbon dioxide and causing climate change.

Signed,

Perplexed in Petrograd

Dear Perplexed:
Your accusations are disturbing but not surprising. During each of his numerous international apology speeches, President Obama has noted that our country has not always acted nobly. But this time, he is really cheesed off and has ordered that the Olympic thieves be arrested immediately upon attempting to re-enter the country. The stolen medals will be confiscated and re-distributed to ACORN deserving individuals who have worked to serve their communities instead of themselves.

As regards to the Olympics in general, President Obama and the Congress agree with your contention. Medals should be awarded on the basis of need and not for some silly arbitrary standard like skiing faster than someone else or putting more pucks in a net. The president has decided that the US will not participate in any future Olympic sport for they are a waste of fuel and resources and do nothing but encourage pointless competetion and grandiose delusions of Amerikkan exceptionalism. An exception will be made for the sport of curling as it promotes sweeping and the ideals of a clean environment.
-Nanny

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Dear Nannie's Mailbox,

When I was young, just got out of college, I had to buy auto insurance. I had a beat-up old car. And I won't name the name of the insurance company, but there was a company — let's call it Acme Insurance in Illinois. And I was paying my premiums every month. After about six months I got rear-ended and I called up Acme and said, I'd like to see if I can get my car repaired, and they laughed at me over the phone because really this was set up not to actually provide insurance; what it was set up was to meet the legal requirements. But it really wasn't serious insurance.
Shouldn't the State pay for ALL insurance, not just healthcare?

Signed,
Mystified in Moscow, Idaho

Dear Mystified:
We've had a lot of complaints about the Acme conglomerate from someone named Wylie Coyote and will be hauling them before a congressional committee (Henry Waxman is really scary when you get a good look at his nose hairs) unless they fork over some hefty campaign contributions agree to provide refunds to aggrieved parties.

But in answer to your question, NO, we do not favor government paying for all insurance as this would increase the national debt which George Bush has already increased to a ridiculous level. The reason the debt would increase is that private companies keep raising their premiums for no good reason so we would just end up shovelling more and more money into the pockets of the greedy capitalists. Instead, we prefer to provide real competition for private insurance companies by creating public insurance options. You see, public insurance entities will never raise premiums because they don't have money grubbing shareholders and executives to answer to. They always pay claims without question because, hell, it's not THEIR money so they really don't give a shit (just ask Medicare!) And, they are always solvent because there is an unlimited supply of money for them in Ben Bernanke's basement! This powerful combination of unlimited funds and not giving a shit makes for fierce, real competition that eventually will bankrupt the greedy scumbag private companies and leave only the public option. And then we can eliminate the deficit and the national debt entirely because there will no longer be private insurers to rob us blind. Simple, eh? I don't know why people think economics is so complicated.
- Nanny

I don't understand why Dear Leader didn't just call Progressive for his insurance needs. You can name your own price. Of course when I tried it for some reason their server wasn't accepting FREE as the price I was willing to pay. Go figger

So then I called Geico but some slimey little lizard with a bad British accent just laughed at me.

I think the gov. should provide auto insurance. If we force everyone to get comprehensive collision coverage even if they own a clunker that isn't worth fixing, think how much money we'd save everyone.

Comrade Whoopie, you are a genius! I suspect that you are either in reality Paul Krugman or else are sitting in the next stall in the men's room when he produces his Nobel-Prize quality NY Times column.

You are right, if we force people who don't even own cars to buy collision insurance, the price would go even lower! And let's face it, it's for their own good; what if they collide with something? In any event, it's worth whatever the cost to ensure that no future Obama-clone genius lawyer will ever have to be befuddled by those mean old insurance companies again!

PS Try calling Geico and ask for the cave man guy. Tell him Geico is so simple a future president can do it. He'll give you a real good deal!

Opiate of the People wrote: PS Try calling Geico and ask for the cave man guy. Tell him Geico is so simple a future president can do it. He'll give you a real good deal!

BWAHAHAHAHA! Good one.

btw: Let's be clear about that racist ad, caveman is just a rightwing codeword for negro. They ain't fooling me one bit. And then to add insult to injury, they make the cave guy act like a gay drama queen.

Dear Nanny State,

I'm getting up in years, and I don't think my Social Security payments are going to be enough. I've invested in stupid ventures, put my money on losing stock tips, and just haven't worked that hard. When are you going to raise social security taxes on younger people so I can have a cush retirement? Where's Tip O'Neil when we need him, dammit, the old tub of lard.

Comrade Whoopie wrote: btw: Let's be clear about that racist ad, caveman is just a rightwing codeword for negro. They ain't fooling me one bit. And then to add insult to injury, they make the cave guy act like a gay drama queen.

Well, the cave guy is sorta clean and articulate and is light-skinned, to boot. And he knows more about insurance than Obama (which is an extremely low hurdle to clear, I grant you.)

I think we have a winner for 2012! Sorry again, Hillary.

Leninka wrote:Dear Nanny State,

I'm getting up in years, and I don't think my Social Security payments are going to be enough. I've invested in stupid ventures, put my money on losing stock tips, and just haven't worked that hard. When are you going to raise social security taxes on younger people so I can have a cush retirement? Where's Tip O'Neil when we need him, dammit, the old tub of lard.

Dear Leninka,
I understand completely, dear. Like a lot of feeble old geezers, you've probably been reading about how Social Security might be in a bit of trouble in the coming years. You've probably heard that all the Social Security contributions (hahaha, I love euphemisms, don't you?) you've made over the course of your working life have been invested in treasury bonds which the government won't be able to redeem because repaying all the accumulated debt will require outrageously high income tax rates on the few people that will actually be working. Well, put your mind at ease, your Social Security is perfectly safe. The government has a secret weapon: his name is Bernie Madoff. You see, he runs this investment fund in New York City and he has a secret formula, makes 15% returns every year like clockwork! All the Hollywood celebrities and big universities put money with him. A couple of years ago, the Congress decided to invest a big chunk of Social Security money with him; we figure with his great system, he will cover any shortfall in the program and then some! So chill out, babe, the retirement Ponzi scheme is cool!

But on the very small chance Bernie lets us down, we have a Plan B. Have you ever heard of "quantitative easing"? Well, it's too complicated to explain quickly, but what it boils down to is you'll still be able to buy all the cat food you want for dinner, you'll just need to bring a large box full of dollars down to the store to pay for it. No biggie.
-Nanny

Oh, Thank you Comrade Opiate. Here's a little song to thank you. Make sure you see the clip at the end where the dogs have accidentally eaten some Viagra.

I know exactly how they'll solve the Socialist Insecurity shortfall. A year before I become eligible to collect they raise the age to 70. Then the day I turn 69 they raise it to 75. Then if I'm still alive, the day I turn 74 they raise it to 80.

At some point I'll just give up and go away. Then they can keep the million or so dollars I invested in their stinkin' little Ponzi scheme.

Leninka wrote:Oh, Thank you Comrade Opiate. Here's a little song to thank you. Make sure you see the clip at the end where the dogs have accidentally eaten some Viagra.

You're quite welcome, Leninka. And you're quite welcome, senior citizens everywhere. Your Nanny State wuvs you (kiss, kiss!) That's why we at Nanny State get so effing mad at those nasty Rethuglicans for trying to frighten all the nice old people about ObamaCare. We would NEVER do anything to hurt seniors because WE WUV SENIORS! OK? I'm glad we had this widdle talk.

BTW, I didn't know Viagra would do that to a dog's tail. Now I understand why all the dogs in my father-in-law's retirement complex walk around like that.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:I know exactly how they'll solve the Socialist Insecurity shortfall. A year before I become eligible to collect they raise the age to 70. Then the day I turn 69 they raise it to 75. Then if I'm still alive, the day I turn 74 they raise it to 80.

At some point I'll just give up and go away. Then they can keep the million or so dollars I invested in their stinkin' little Ponzi scheme.

That's gonna be the wave of the future. Upping the retirement age not only enables the politicians to perform their favorite governance maneuver (kicking the can down the road) but it also means that an increasing number of retirees will die before being able to file a claim and the remaining ones will be paid off in cheaper dollars due to inflation (the politicians' best friend.)

What's funny about the Greece crisis is that the country is going broke because they let public employees to retire at 58 so they want a bailout, mostly funded by Germany where the retirement age is 67. The canary in socialism's coal mine is teetering and about to fall over dead.