The People's Cube - Political Satire

That's right, friends -- Rand Paul smoked pot in college and tried to get a friend to smoke with him. I am speechless. This is a scandal to end all scandals. Unlike our former, former president, whose name escapes me at the moment, Rand Paul did indeed inhale. He inhaled, friends. He smoked pot, he inhaled it, and he tried to get a college friend to smoke with him. I'm sure scandal-ridden munchies were involved. I am sure transfatty consumption was taking place along with sugary soda, as well. Pot, munchies, sugary soda: I demand a Congressional investigation.

This wasn't medical marijuana, either, and Rand Paul is neither A.) a government dependent, B.) a hip-hop artist, or C.) President Barack Obama. This is a huge scandal -- a career shattering scandal! -- that needs to be explored, discussed, and analyzed endlessly in the singular hope of securing a Democratic gain.
~
Yes, it was a dark and stormy night at Baylor University. Rand Paul and his fellow occultist -- hungry for the devil's grass and the blood of kittens -- sought to commune with their dark lord in a ritual known only among the initiated in the dark arts as "smoking a doobie". This ritual, known only to Republicans and never to Democrats, usually involves a smattering of youths tired of noble ventures like finishing homework early, shining apples for teacher, or snorting coke with a young Barry Obama. This ritual among the GOP youth always involves a blood sacrifice of the innocent:

GQ Magazine wrote:The strangest episode of Paul's time at Baylor occurred one afternoon in 1983 ... when he and a [brother in his liberal secret society] paid a visit to a female student who was one of Paul's teammates on the Baylor swim team. According to this woman, who requested anonymity because of her current job as a clinical psychologist, "He and Randy came to my house, they knocked on my door, and then they blindfolded me, tied me up, and put me in their car. They took me to their apartment and tried to force me to take bong hits. They'd been smoking pot."

Rand Paul and his occultist brother knocked on this woman's door, proceeded to blindfold her, placed her in the car -- or the trunk! -- and sped away among a plume of pot smoke. I can just see the tears rolling down her cheeks as she twist and turns in the back of a car trunk, suffocating in the stench of pot, and knowing that thousands of other young women like her were kidnapped by these monster Republican pot fiends. The thoughts of certain doom, and bong hits, must have raced through her mind as a pile of unfinished homework due the week following lied uncompleted on her desk. The horror. The absolute and total horror.

We will never know what happened to that poor, poor woman. Some say she is somewhere at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Others, however, claim something far more sinister -- that her remains were grounded up, turned into a joint, and later enjoyed by a jubilant President-Elect George W. Bush upon his stealing the 2000 presidential election. Is this Rand Paul the man we want as a Senator? I think not. I hope not. I pray not. The decision is in your hands, Kentucky.

The swine probably stomps on ladybugs, bites the heads off of newborns, and listens to talk radio, too!

John Lenin wrote:The swine probably stomps on ladybugs, bites the heads off of newborns, and listens to talk radio, too!

You must be just another Republican ideologue trying to stomp out our pragmatic policies for reform. Platform #6, warm clothes, blah blah blah. I'll be sure to assign a stool pigeon who has had experience with coat hangers and back-alley abortions choice.

Chair Punch,

Wouldn't it be silly if the quote:

He and Randy came to my house, they knocked on my door, and then they blindfolded me, tied me up, and put me in their car. They took me to their apartment and tried to force me to take bong hits. They'd been smoking pot.

Were attached to this face?

How dare the Rand Paul not to be for the supporting the poor peoples of my country by not being for the purchasing of our wonderful poppies! I am of sympathy to all the poor Mexican peoples who are in needing of such monies for their marajuana production, but my country peoples cause has been for the floundering! Will not the entire population of the Mexico be getting for the amnesty and then for being of the Amerikkkan so they may be for having so many of the wonderful entitlements they are most deserving of? What are we to be getting from America? Drones??? And I am not for meaning the honey bee type of the drones! Since the occupation of the evil Amerikkkan armies in the Iraq and Afghanistan I say Dear Leader should be for proclaiming amnesty on those peoples too so we may be for the enjoyment of so much of the entitlements and OPM!! It is only fair.

Mrs Al Czarweary wrote:How dare the Rand Paul not to be for the supporting the poor peoples of my country by not being for the purchasing of our wonderful poppies! I am of sympathy to all the poor Mexican peoples who are in needing of such monies for their marajuana production, but my country peoples cause has been for the floundering! Will not the entire population of the Mexico be getting for the amnesty and then for being of the Amerikkkan so they may be for having so many of the wonderful entitlements they are most deserving of? What are we to be getting from America? Drones??? And I am not for meaning the honey bee type of the drones! Since the occupation of the evil Amerikkkan armies in the Iraq and Afghanistan I say Dear Leader should be for proclaiming amnesty on those peoples too so we may be for the enjoyment of so much of the entitlements and OPM!! It is only fair.

Mrs. Alczarweary,

I rarely respond to your comments but often include you in my stupid pics because I simply am in awe of your blah blah....

I'm not worthy

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:"...it was a dark and stormy night at Baylor University. Rand Paul and his fellow occultist -- hungry for the devil's grass and the blood of kittens -- sought to commune with their dark lord in a ritual known only among the initiated in the dark arts as "smoking a doobie".

I can think of nothing so sadistic, so vile, so cruel and inhumane. Chairman Meow, I humbly suggest he be arrested, called before the party to answer for his crimes, be hoisted up by his privates while he is summarily charged, and then shot. Multiple times. Then burn him, and then shoot him again. We must do it for The Kittens™ ...

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:

John Lenin wrote:The swine probably stomps on ladybugs, bites the heads off of newborns, and listens to talk radio, too!

Um, we don't have a problem with the biting off the heads of newborns. I'm a bit confused by your utter rejection of such a basic human right? I mean, you do support a Woman's Right to Choose™ , don't you? YOU ARE FOR CHOICE, ARE YOU NOT!? ANSWER THE QUESTION! ANSWER THE F*CKING QUESTION! ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT FOR CHOICE!?

You must be just another Republican ideologue trying to stomp out our pragmatic policies for reform. Platform #6, warm clothes, blah blah blah. I'll be sure to assign a stool pigeon who has had experience with coat hangers and back-alley abortions choice.

Well, naturally a WOMAN has the Right to Choose™, and if she wishes to bite the heads off of her, or anyone else's, newborn, that's perfectly acceptable. But a man should have no input at all in the matter, and he shouldn't be biting off the heads that are best left to women. It sounds to me, Comrade, that you are implying that a MAN should have a say in what happens to a baby viable tissue matter. Call ME a Republican ideologue, will you? Harrumph.

John Lenin wrote:

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:

John Lenin wrote:The swine probably stomps on ladybugs, bites the heads off of newborns, and listens to talk radio, too!

Um, we don't have a problem with the biting off the heads of newborns. I'm a bit confused by your utter rejection of such a basic human right? I mean, you do support a Woman's Right to Choose™ , don't you? YOU ARE FOR CHOICE, ARE YOU NOT!? ANSWER THE QUESTION! ANSWER THE F*CKING QUESTION! ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT FOR CHOICE!?

You must be just another Republican ideologue trying to stomp out our pragmatic policies for reform. Platform #6, warm clothes, blah blah blah. I'll be sure to assign a stool pigeon who has had experience with coat hangers and back-alley abortions choice.

Well, naturally a WOMAN has the Right to Choose™, and if she wishes to bite the heads off of her, or anyone else's, newborn, that's perfectly acceptable. But a man should have no input at all in the matter, and he shouldn't be biting off the heads that are best left to women. It sounds to me, Comrade, that you are implying that a MAN should have a say in what happens to a baby viable tissue matter. Call ME a Republican ideologue, will you? Harrumph.

My goodness. I apologize and stand in awe at your eloquent defense of a Woman's sacred right to gnaw off the heads of a growth that has no more worth than a common wart. I will be following your career here at the Cube closely, Comrade John Lenin. You have real Commissar potential and would make for a fine Super Delegate. Comrade Buffoon: I always confuse Elena Kagan with Nathan Lane. Now which one is the actor and which one is the associate justice?

I saw this eyewitness testimonial on https://www.ronpaulforums.com/showthread.php?t=256496 on a thread dedicated to this thread, titled "BEST FREAKIN' BLOG YET concerning Rand's Baylor story.

Rand Paul is totally criminal. I once saw Rand do a line of coke and kick an old lady down the stairs to steal her Social Security money. He said he was "returning it to the taxpayers." Then he pulled a bazooka from his gigantic gun rack and shot at the abortion clinic next to the devastated orphanage he accidentally leveled when he was strung out. We never hung out again, except for that time we went around kicking minorities out of restaurants and performing unsolicited and uncertified eye surgery on the waiters.

They're admitting it! They're admitting it! Rand Paul will soon wind up on the ash heap of history where he belongs, along with that other Rand and that other Paul!

Hail Obama Comrades! Another victory for the collective, bury these Rethugglikkans retreads in a vat of beets and vodka!!!

Experimental pot is hell in contrast with the medicinal masturbations of truly sick people.

Comrades, I have yet to divulge this secret to the collective, however, I am sick, sick, sick, I say, and I require 2 kilos a day... SUBMIT NOW!!!! Or forever loose your impeccable Rooster.

What's that, huh? NO TAKERS! There must be some way out of here, said the Joker to the Thief.

My intensive studies of this sickness has shown that the practice of the "Dark Arts" begins at birth for all the RethugliKKKan degenerate spawn, which like totally explains their complete disregard for the plight of the Children ™. Then they are home schooled where they are then taught immediately to H8 anyone that doesn't look like them (inc. kittens!) and soon after they begin selling their "doobies" for profit, hiding the income from any taxes (RaygUn Voodoo Economics) - until their path to the Dark Side (capitalism) is complete.

Obviously a prenatal case for the necessity of medical marijuana.

I had his "fellow occultist" tracked down to get his side of this disturbing story to share with MSNBC. During the intense interrogation all he keep saying was "Yeh Man", "Cool" & "Dude". Must be some sort of counter-interrogation pain management training from the reichwing. Time for the cattle prod. He'll break eventually...

I often forget how great it is to be a communist progressive.

We don't have to address issues, we simply hurl accusations (false or not) and hope the masses are suitably distracted enough for The Party to become more oppressive liberating for the dumb asshats in Amerikkka too stupid to know what's best for them!

Only we know what's best for serfdom!

A quick note from Party Loyal Media:

Hey Rand? A story has to be false before you can even dream of getting lawyers involved.

Let us pray to Obama that Comrades Waters & Rangel heed this sage advice...

Just sayin...

OK, I confess. IT WAS ME! IT WAS ME!


At first I didn't think anything of the pot smell clinging to them when they knocked on my door. I just figured that meant they were two really cool party guys. They even asked me if I wanted to go to a really cool party where I could meet a lot more really cool guys. I thought they said there would be Kennedys, so I went along thinking maybe I'd get to meet John-John. And when Randy pulled my red headscarf over my eyes, he said it was so I wouldn't see the route to their secret party hideout. I thought that could only mean one thing—they were taking me to the Kennedy compound!

But no. Instead it turned out to be a Republican fundraiser and what I thought were Kennedys were really just “candidates”—as in Republican candidates who wrapped themselves in American flags and feasted on kittens, used puppies as footballs, and yes, they even stomped on cute little ladybugs while they laughed. Oh, I can still hear the evil cackles echoing in my throbbing head!

But worst of all, they wouldn't let me go until . . . until . . . oh, I can barely speak of it. I had to commit vile, despicable, unspeakable acts! Like signing a conservative purity pledge, and vowing I was “pro life”and “pro nuke”and “pro business”—and they made sure my fingers weren't crossed when I said it! Then they made me drink the blood of a clubbed baby seal, after which they smeared Exxon oil all over me and then they carried me and set me down on an altar before this huge picture of Ronald Reagan.

That's when I knew they were going to set fire to me and offer me as some sort of sacrifice to their conservative god. I passed out from terror and when I woke up, I was lying in an alley with five other drunks who later became my Friday night regulars.

For years I've tried to block the horror of that night from my mind. Why do you think I'm always soaking myself in vodka? It's to numb the pain, the agony, the utter humiliation.

Only one thing could make me feel better, and that's cash reparations. Not that it's about the money, because I don't really want the money. I just want to send a strong message to those people that they can't do stuff like this to girls like me, and making them give me money is the only way to do it.

Plus I want to make sure no other girl has to suffer and collect money for it like I do.

Ah hah!! Somehow when I read this story I knew Pinkie's was involved. And now the truth comes out... Poor Commissarka Pinkie Potted Pervasively by a Pickering Paul.... we will push for your reparations Commissarka with a progressive vengeance!

Don't forget to deposit half in my The Party's swiss banc account. It's for my Meow's holiday trip to Spain The Children™.

Uh, yeah, it was Pinky! But, uh, they ground her up and turned her into a joint that was smoked by President-Elect Bush after stealing the 2000 election! Yes, and we haven't heard from Pinky since! (Play dead, Commissarka Pinkie. I'll take a polaroid and send it to major news outlets).

I have a question for both Punchenko and Buffoon; you both claim to have been praying.
Praying? PRAYING?
You better of had a mihrab prayer rug and were facing Mecca. Otherwise, you know.. separation of church 'n state 'n stuff. The Party™ might think you're a Christian or a Jew.

Details Comrades. Details.
What kind of praying was done now that you have self incriminated yourselves.
You don't have the right to remain silent. This is Cube justice.

Rand Paul? That RACIST NEOCON NEOCONFEDERATE CRUSADER JOOOOOOO? Perish, racist RepukelicKKKlans!

Now, let me return to whipping and performing coitus interruptus with my black 'abeed which I purchased from a splendid little bazaar in Khartoum...