The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades, today I got an email from a friend, or an ex-friend, who asked me what was wrong with Speaker Pelosi that everyone she knew hated her so much? She said that her husband, a very bright man, became inarticulate when asked. I of course reported this ex-friend to the Central Committee for her disloyalty to Comrade Peloski, and even as I speak I have unleashed a punitive attack on their ranch at Hooterville, Texas, of the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits and the talent-shitting pigeons.

After the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits finish their hissing, "Nuclar! Nuclar! Nuclar!" and the talent-shitting pigeons finish with her ranch in Hooterville, she will be officially declared an un-person and her name stricken from the Book of Life. Which is of course the medical registry that we'll all have under Obamacare.

As a Most Equal Commissar it is up to me to insure the acceptability of Comrade Peloski to the great unwashed masses, most of whom do not see the necessity of surrendering their possessions, liberties and minds to the Party. All Party Members know that it is essential to surrender your possessions, liberties and minds to the Party, excepting of course for Made Progs. As a most-equal Made Prog I'm not surrendering anything, even if it did come from Chairman Meow's or Leninka's dacha.

But this rage poses the question: Why should anyone get upset at dear Nanski? She's the proggiest of the progs who has not in fact been in the Weather Underground and made bombs which killed people. But she upsets people.

I went out into the south field and asked some workers. The workers who had not had a recent Jiffy-Lobo. I'd mention dear Nanski's name and they would, to a person, yell, "That piece of shit!" then throw up. Then I determined that anyone who doesn't like dear Nanski is the product of aversion therapy.
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When I was a little, tiny Prog I was toilet trained like everyone else. Well, Nanski is not properly toilet trained; like the French duchess she doesn't wear panties and shits on the floor. "It's an honor to have the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the USSA shit on your Persian rug," I once heard her say to a somewhat shocked campaign donor.

"It's not everyone who can have me shit on his carpet." Then dear Nanski released her bladder. "And there's some prog pee for you too. How fitting. I'm Number Three in line for the President."

At that time Bruno muttered, "You're number three all right--shit and and piss, you old piece of mortuary bait."

Fortunately dear Nanski didn't hear Bruno. Or unfortunately. Had she heard him I might have been de-queened, which is the consummation most devoutly to be desired.

Nonetheless the worthy liberals at the fundraiser stepped back from the turd that lay steaming on the 20' x 15' rug. And that's when I had the idea.

People get upset around Nanski because of early toilet training. I was trained to never to touch a turd, to wipe and wash furiously if I did, and to flush it as soon as I could. This was of course serious ideological baggage to carry around; how could I possibly enjoy Nanski or other Progressives if I have an ingrained horror of playing with shit?

So I am introducing the Power of Poop and Pelosi Program. From now on, every resident of a red state will be required to squish one of his turds between his fingers once a day, as though his hand were a potato ricer. It is the first stage of 4P.

This is the sort of desensitization training which will allow RethugliKKKans to really appreciate the Power of Pelosi. After the proles in the red states have no problem ricing their turds with their fingers, we will then start on Nanski cophrophagia.

And this will work, because if there are two synonyms on earth, they are Pelosi and Poop.

Power to the Poop! Power to the Pelosi!

Since Premier Betty isn't around, let me say "ewwwww!"

"Ewww" will be the new battle call of the Neanderthal conservative converting to the One True Religion of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.

But it's said, "EwwwwwwEEEEEEEEE." It's easy to remember because it sounds like "Sou-EEEEE!"

Most equal Commissar Theocritus;

I must thank-you for you have indeed proven my physic abilities -



for everytime I conjure up an image of the Honorable Speaker Peloski, I also see steaming shit.
Coincidence - I think not, no?

Krasnodar wrote:

Congressional Outhouse2.jpg

Comrade Krasnodar,
You must have meant putsch

Good to see you back Exalted Commissar Theocritus, we have been too long without your guidance, and insight during this dark time leading up to November.

Thank you, Central Spook. I hope that you do not mind that monicker; I think it an exalted one. After all, who are we if we're not spying on others for disloyalty? After all, suspicion breads confidence. As Brazil, that excellent movie, showed.

I have been doing deep cover operations for the Party. PsyOps you might say. I have found that RethugliKKKans actually have, well, and don't let it out that I said it, brains. Now, now, don't come unglued, but wouldn't you want to know if your neighbor was aiming a cannon at you? We can't just conclude that these stupid hicks are as stupid as we think they are.

And here's the hard point, and I'm having a crisis of faith here.

RethugliKKKans never go to Jiffy-Lobo. Never. Even though our most equal comrades have come up with a fetching new logo:

Commissar, you are mistaken. The People, at least some of them anyway, are in a bit of an irascible mood (or, as Comrade Kerry has noted, a lot of them are just stupid.) They are feeling prickly because the Rethuglicans have stymied Cap n' Trade and the worsening global warming, sorry, Global Climate Disruption is starting to get to them, and so they lash out at anything and anyone. But deep in their hearts they LOVE Nancy and she KNOWS they love her. She called me the other day from her personal taxpayer-provided 757 to say she was pooping on the carpet while they were flying over Bush 43's ranch - all the staff members on the plane held their noses and CHEERED! It was just the kind of spontaneous, in-your-face, meaningless, symbolic, stupid, useless gesture that gives us progs tingles up our legs (like when His O'liness scratches his face with his middle finger facing the camera and acts like he's not doing it on purpose.) That's what we call LEADERSHIP, Theo. When folks are out of work and living under the highway and eating each other's shoes, seeing something like that picks them right up.

And not to worry about the election, Nancy told me she has some tricks up her sleeve for this fall. I think she's planning on pooping on some hardwood floors.

Opiate, I advise you to start running now. When I have my herniated diaphragm repaired I shall sick the winged monkeys of hell on you for the image of Nanski pooping on the floor of her plane.

And you're right. Pooping on a Persian carpet is nothing. After all, when all the proles are consigned to their rightful places, which is below the Made Progs, then there will be LOTS of time to weave carpets. But pooping on a plane poops on modern technology.

Which we don't need except for espionage.

Ah well. I wish that I'd had your insight. The last time that Nanski was here I didn't get her to poop on my iPad, which is the ultimate of pooping on technology.

We must advance the idea that we are scientific and modern and will use our knowledge to make lives better, and we will hide the fact that we are indoctrinating people in a disprovable, secular religion. And by the time that they are all entirely familiar with the catechism of this disprovable, secular religion, then we'll have them so religious that they won't mind the gradual erosion of the quality of their lives.

Because it's all for The People™. Or for Gaia™. Or for The Children™.

Or some other shit. Who gives a fuck? I promise you that Nanski and our Many Titted Empress don't. The number of times that they've been drunk at the Rancho and told me that...

Comrade Theocritus,

This whole thread has me in stitches. I know this is supposed to serious, but I can't help it.

You know, I was just thinking about Nanski and her gavel today. And, I suspect that after the elections in November, our dear prog representatives will be laying some very special poop within the halls of the capital. There's nothing quite like lame duck poop, you know, especially if many of them will be gone after the new session. Surely, they'll want to put the finishing touches to what they have done.

Now, if they were to all poop in one big pile right up at the podium where Nanski gave her speech the night ObamaCare was passed, wouldn't it be wonderful if they all gathered around and Nanski took that gavel and gave that pile of poop one big wham bam thank-you Comrade Peloski bam? Then, they could all revel in their own poop, and have the most wonderful time.

Commisssar Theocritus,

Do you use special throw rugs when Comrade Pelosi comes to your house? The last time she was at my million dollar mansion humble abode, she also shit on the carpet. That was to be expected given her age and the way botox makes one lose bowel control, however; the way Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann then proceeded to roll in it really ground that shit stain in and I had to tear the whole carpet out. So do you use throw rugs or is the rumor really true that Alan Grayson's saliva gets the stains out when he is licking up her dropped gifts??

I fail to see the difference between the whip Pelosi and horsesh*t, but maybe that's just me.

That old bat has flown the coop and entered the cackling world of witchcraft. Alright, I'll shut up now, keep your damn shovels to yourself commies, I got armor you know!

Personally I use Keith Olbermann to get the stains out of the carpet. Look at him some time. He's pear shaped. That's where his vacuum motor is, in his ass. He has enormous sucking power and considering some of the shit that he's cleaned up from Progressives, Nanski poop is not much for him.

And anyway, he's a connoisseur of Prog Poop. And he considers that Nanski's has the best bouquet. And since she got her 757, it travels the best too.

More Poop on that Caribbean pooper, or Hollywood's favorite poop supplier:

Comrade Fidel loves his own poop so much, he carries it around with him around his waist, and deposits it in jars to pass around to his friends, the latest one being Atlantic Monthly reporter Jeffrey Goldberg. Poopy Comrade Fidel wanted to tell Jeffrey that he likes the Joos very much, never mind that 99.99% of the Joos have long since left the island.

"Weekend at Poopy Fidel's"

Leninka, do not by any means accuse Comrade Fidel of being exclusive. Sally Quinn and her husband traveled to Cuba and she swooned over Fidelito! How wonderful. And the French actor Gerard Depardieu has vineyards and sends bottles to Fidelito. Or perhaps Fidel. Who knows what their relationship is?

Opiate, I feel your pain about Dear O'Leader's nose always being in the air, but there's another possibility. I have a friend who has a vasectomy who said that there was a feeling of pressure and drawing as they cut the vein.

I wonder if Dear O'Leader has every been able to look down after he was nullified by Bill Ayers?

I have grave concerns that the New Father of Our Country just can't.

I know one thing Dear Leader can do for sure, and I think it makes up for everything else.
Behold: