The People's Cube - Political Satire

This morning while driving in my Zhiguli, I was listening for hopeful news on the Eastern Front. The RethugliKKKan candidate for Senate in Kentucky is Rand Paul, the son of that dreadful Texas libertarian Ron Paul. Ron and Rand Paul have gone on record saying that the government is much too big and intrusive, and of course this makes them Public Enemy Number One. Expect their pictures to be in post offices. And after Red Star's goons get through with them, on milk cartons too.

Rand Paul's opponent is Jack Conway, whom I heard this morning. He has excellent prog cred. That's like street cred but to get prog cred you have to steal 25% of someone's estate and make him thank you for it and while learning the joys of denouncing his neighbors, family and friends. This sterling prog attacked Paul. Who is a doctor and therefore only wanting to get rich off the backs of the poor. And he's an ophthalmologist, for Lenin's sake. Who in the name of Marx wants clear vision? Unless of course it is for counting cash under someone else's mattresses or judging a diamond across a room. But the unwashed masses are better off blind as a mole.
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Mr. Conway asked why Mr. Paul had joined a racist organization 30 years ago and when it was ever right to tie a woman up and make her bow to a statue of Buddha. I find these to be eminently reasonable questions, and I'd have added in, "When did you stop beating your wife," and "What strings did you pull not to be on a sex-offenders list from the time that you single-handedly raped an entire orphanage of Downs' children before you burned it down?"

Now that's a hard-hitting question, comrades, and I defy anyone to better it.

Because all of them are totally baseless allegations. You can't better a baseless accusation except possibly with a bullet to the brain, but then the bullet to the brain is the finale to Progressive Opera, about which I'll dilate later.

Paul, on the other hand, refused to know his place, which is at the feet of a prog like Conway. He said, "Jack, when your lips are moving, you're lying!" Well, duh. Why did Paul waste valuable time on something as banal as that? Conway's a prog, Obadammit (that's like goddamn it but with a real god), and everyone knows that progs lie like rugs. It's who we are. I personally engage in plain and fancy lying, distortions, misrepresentations of the truth, parsing, and quoting out of context. Also just plain big old lies repeated over and over with a straight face. I'll never be as good as dear Bill Clinton, but I'm trying, Comrades, I'm trying. I even thought of trying to contract Peyronie's disease. Maybe if my Little Comrade bent to the left like Bill's Littlest Soldier (to believe Gennifer Flowers), then I'd have his ability to lie. Like Bill I'd certainly have one more crooked attribute.

And speaking of progs, here's one of the best. The splendiferous David Axelrod, shown here in his fetchingly coy pose, as though he wouldn't harm a prole when all he does is make them out of the middle class, was being interviewed by the Communist Broadcasting System's Dan Schieffer, who has done such yeoman work posing as a silly old, slightly dottie auntie. Mr. Axelrod was exposing the lies of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. It is obvious to the meanest intelligence, and blindingly obvious to my first-rate, just Jiffy-Loboed brain, accoutered with my Superheterodyne, Phased-Antenna-Array Tin-foil Hat, BHO Mark II, that the US Chamber of Commerce, oh, all right, the US COC, was taking foreign money to work their evil capitalist ways.

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It's obvious, so the Divine David said it. And that ought to have made it so. But then Bob Schieffer is showing that CBS is no longer able to afford Jiffy-Lobo.

Giggling Auntie Schieffer wrote:This part about foreign money, that appears to be peanuts. Mr. Axelrod, do you have any evidence that it's anything other than peanuts?

This is heresy! Even The New York Times investigated this and found no evidence of wrong doing. But so what? If our Bible misses it, that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. If the paper chooses to ignore it, it didn't happen. But just because they didn't find anything means that they weren't looking hard enough. Say in William Jefferson's freezer or the Rose Law Firm.

Dear David was however up to the job.

Well, do you have any evidence that it's not, Bob? The fact is that the Chamber has asserted that, but they won't release any information about where their campaign money is coming from.

Brilliant! Leave it to dear Barry O to find the perfect neo-Orwellian. This is it. Baseless assertions, by Jack and David, against RethugliKKKans and conservatives. This makes perfect sense to me, but then I've just had my brain ironed all out flat by a particularly good Jiffy-Lobo session. All we need to is just level the accusations: Ronald Reagan was the commandant at Auschwitz; Hitler was really a pious Catholic. George W. Bush eats Christian, sorry, Xian, babies at his Texas ranch, and has hired Paul Prudhomme to make up a special Xian-baby sauce.

The fact that none of these is on the same planet as truth is immaterial because it's the seriousness of the charge and not its substance which counts.

Let me ask you something. How would you have handled this? I recall some poor fool making fun of our dear Michelle's stern. In fact I was in my fields, flogging the proles, when I overheard one of them say:

Dead and Decaying Prole wrote:One year at the annual Easter Egg hunt at the White House, dear Michelle quit rooting in her vegetables with her snout came out to talk with the children. A little boy was standing with his father, and tugged at his father's hand.

"Daddy, look at that woman. She's got a huge bottom."

"Hush, Johnny! She'll hear you!"

"Daddy, look. Her rear is just huge!"

"Shut up, Johnny! She'll turn you to stone! She gets a new hairdo every time a snake moves. She's a Gorgon, you know."

Then our dear Michelle's beeper went off. Johnny yelled, "Run, Daddy! She's backing up!"

That prole is of course no more and is as I write nourishing my newest beet field.

This tasteless, and treasonous, jape at our dear Miss Resentment could have been avoided had Axelrod's new plan of baseless charges been adopted at the time. Here's how to do it and never forget the prog advantage, which is stomach-turning hypocrisy.

"It is a baseless charge, Johnny, that our dear Miss Resentment has a ginormous ass. It is a baseless conservative charge and so should be ignored. It is also a baseless charge that dear Barack Hussein Obama wishes ill for America, although between us he surely does, and that's why I love him so, because of the source of the complaint. Whereas Alexrod was entirely correct in leveling a baseless charge against the US COC. It's the source, you see, of the charge, and not the truth of it."

So neat, so simple, so foolproof. And we need foolproof ideas considering some of our troops. I hate to tell you but Red Star's goons are some of the smart goons. They're all post-doctoral students compared to Andy Stern's goons.

So here we Progressives are, entering the final age of baseless assertions, name calling like, "Conservatives have cooties!" and finally there will dawn the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™, where Under the spreading chestnut tree/I sell you and you sell me. Dear George Orwell.

In the Hans Xian Anderson story, "The Emperor's New Clothes," the boy who says, "But the emperor has no clothes!" was ignored and the parade went on. Ah, what a lost opportunity the emperor had. Under the guidance of dear Barry O., the boy is destroyed.

Ask Joe the Plumber.

I have but one question - is Comrade Axelass Axelrod attempting to indiscreetly wipe something off his nose or is he just picking??

I, for myself, approve of "baseless assertions" since they used to always work in discrediting those nasty Rethuglicans. Such a good and efficient way to destroy an enemy, is it not? Rand is a'top of the enemy list and must be destroyed if dearest fearless Leader is to reign and finish is socialist agenda!

DOWN WITH THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE!!!! (spit spit!!)

Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:DOWN WITH THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE!!!! (spit spit!!)

Expose any kapitalist roach businesses in your area that are members of the CoC to OFA immediately to make sure they get on the Party approved channels to the unwashed masses.
We'll expose the vast corruption that is the GOP!

I must denounce the non-person Al Gore for having invented the internet. Everywhere I surf today I've seen Rightwingers chortling over the fact that the Left has collected over a million dollars in foreign money through it's many front organizations.

Dammit! Dammit to heck. Everytime we accuse them of committing some shenanigan the cursed internet turns the tables on us and exposes our involvement in the same behavior we just condemned.

It's not fair I tell you. Our current truth can't compete against their absolute truth.

Cheer Up, Comrade Whoopie,

Truth is only a perception and is subjective. A lie repeated often enough becomes true, except lies about no gravity.

Just repeat a word or two of what they use and then bend it to conform to what you want.

Their reality will rapidly deform into "majority rules", a mobocracy.

This is why Dear Leader avoids that piece of parchment called the Constitution whenever he can.
It is for the general good and for the people he leads.

Tooorisky, please do not use the term "mobocracy." The proper word is "ochlocracy," which means just the same thing, but the proles don't know it. We could of course, just like a BBCode command, wrap "mobocracy" in delimiters of "peace, hope and all that shit," but it's just simpler, all in all, to use a word that our public education has relegated to the status of the dead language Sanskrit.

Whoopie, I do feel your pain, really I do, it's not like the time you were over at the house and whoofing up your guts, having drunk all the beaujolais that Nanski has sent to me on her 757 for my immeasurable services to the Kollective.

But when I say, "I feel your pain," please know that as a made progressive, I don't really feel any pain but my own.

This is how I'm rising on the progometer. I've brutally cut off friends who are not useful; I've betrayed everyone, including family members, who were best off out of my way.

But there is one thing which has stopped me. I was driving in my car, with the progometer, like one of those breathalyzer things which have to register no booze before the car can start, was ticking along just fine. I saw beggars by the side of the road, and I didn't even bother to smile. I smiled inside.

And that's the same thing. It's the intention that counts.

I saw a legless vet in a wheelchair at a stoplight on Texas 1 in Austin. I was pleased to know that I felt no compunction at all.

But my downfall came as I was driving home to the Rancho. I saw a small bit of roadkill and thought, "Lenin! That could be the endangered Stephens kangaroo rat!"

The progometer sounded at my indiscretion, and I was directed to appear in the Star Chamber.

"Commissar Theocritus," Mr. Beeg said, "You are accused of showing mercy toward roadkill."

"But, your Maoship, I thought it was a Stephens Kangaroo Rat! It's endangered! Or was; it's dead meat, road kill, now."

"Theocritus, I cannot believe that you are as stupid as you seem. I don't give a flying fuck about all the endangered species on earth. That is until the proles start to get endangered and that only means that our eugenics program (welfare, environmentalism, celebrity culture) isn't working. Then we'll have to make adjustments.

"But who gives a Stephens Kangaroo Rat's ass about the Stephens Kangaroo Rat? Or its ass? I don't. You shouldn't.

"It's a con game, you stupid faggot. And any emotion spent on anything other than the obtaining of absolute and total power is just wasted CPU cycles in your head."

I was floored. "What? What? You called me a faggot? We're progs. We don't mind a little gay sex from time to time."

"Theocritus, your knickers are in a twist. We don't care about you queers any more than we care about blacks qua blacks, or hispanics qua hispanics. If you don't march in lock-step, you're roadkill under the bus.

"And I promise you that no made prog of my caliber will ever waste even a single tear for the road kill of someone who wouldn't be sufficiently progressive. Black, brown, gay, female, who cares--if you're not marching toward a one-party state, you're roadkill.

"I'm afraid you are not fit for admission to the ranks of the Upper-Crust Progs. And I had such hopes for you."

Ah. I cried my little eyes out but in retrospect he was right. I had not flogged nearly enough people, stolen nearly enough votes, or money, and it's been months since I launched an attack on Pupovich.

So, you mean, cruel, stinking old world, I'll be back. Just see if I'm not.

And You'll be sorry!

Comrade Theocritus,

What a heart wrenching story. I, too, find myself sidetracked by some kind of surface, bait issue, like you did with the Stephens Kangaroo Rat. I bet that little rat was such a cute, cuddly little thing, and I bet that some rancher near the Rancho is mad as hell that he can no longer graze cattle on his own land, lest he disturb the habitat of that little rat.

But who gives a rat's @#$ about a rat? Not me, as a light skinned black woman. This is the realm of a prog of a different color. So Mr. MaoObamao there was right to straighten your sorry @#$ out.

Comrade Theocritus,


I just so impressed with your insightful commentary on the totally baseless allegations of evil nasty Rethuglican Mr. Rand. It does my heart good after long day harvesting cabbages in Peoples Republic of Arizona (is dry heat). I was just unwinding with quick snort of imperialist Grey Goose vodka (if good enough for party elitists then also good enough for me, you know all things being most equal), and come to check out what other most equal party members have to say about current truth. It is also most disturbing as you have pointed the numerous tasteless references about MOO-chelle's ginormous ass, since when has substance (no matter how accurate) been important? Certainly not at the Cube, for I have lurked here long enough to know this.



I join with you and Fraulein Pulloskies in the denunciation of this Chamber of Commerce to fund reichwing candidates as leveling a baseless charges is the Progressive way and all that disagree should be thrown under the bus. Dearest Fearless Leader, his most high Obamaness deserves far better than the Rethuglican assault by these Reichwing Conservatives …they should be thanking Him. I do ask a small favor of you Comrade Theocritus, with regard to Ronald Reagan, please remember that no matter what his deeds in life …in death he has made amends by rejoining the Democratic Party and I assure you he voted for His Obamaness in 2008!


Theocritus, I tell you, you OK in my book and Mr. Beeg is full of it. I was touched by your ability to give a Stephens Kangaroo Rat's ass about the Stephens Kangaroo Rat. Road kill is an important source of protein for proles in a time where pork is in short supply due to WH massive pork consumption and excessive pork barrel ways. I find road kill quite delicious especially in my Kapitalist Pigs in Blanket recipe (demoRat the other white meat). Yes comrade, I feel your pain too. I also feel tingling up my leg when hear words of fearless Leader, Hope …Change and all that happy shit. I am recovering vile Rethuglican, member of 12 step programs including working on degree from Karl Marx Treatment Center. I vote Democratic now cause it much easier than working. Say Nyet to “right” thinking …Don't be Stupid, Be a Smarty, Come and Join the Socialist Party^TM.

Dr. No, I well recall your steel hands in the first James Bond movie. Could I interest you in persuading some of my proles to be more productive? Say a squeeze to the conjones.

I don't know what's wrong. I keep following the playbook of Dear Barry Hussy Obowma, and I tell people that they are privileged to work for me, and that they just can't understand what I'm doing for them. It worked for Joe Biden, and why not for me? Don't you, in your heart of hearts, rage against people who want to know what's happening to them? When you know it's for their own good? As defined by what's to your good is by definition to their good.

Because you are a made prog. Do you get it?

I wish you leninspeed in your twelve-step recovery plan from Republicanism. Not only is the party monstrous, but even the name. A Republic? Come on. Everyone knows that the only efficient government is a dictatorship.

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Leninka, I have found that the Stephens Kangaroo Rat makes just wonderful pad thai. I always serve it with roasted bald eagle.

Comrades,

There is another Public Enemy to add to the evil Rethuglikans that dare to say government is too big, and he was endorsed by Ron Paul, so we must summarily pay him a visit, where's Red Star?

His name is Art Robinson, and he is running for congress against one of our finest and most stealthy progs...

Peter Defazio, co-founder of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, 24 year years in public office and looking to finally restore Glass-Stegall and Nationalize the railroads as leader of the House Transportation Committee upon re-election.

The neo-kulak Art Robinson is only 4 points out at 46 to 42 split. This kapitalist pig was nominated by 4-5 Parties!!! Independent, Libertarian, Constitutional, and the Rethuglikans.

This is the same Dr. Art Robinson that filed the petition of 31,000 scientist against our beloved Global Warming™ Climate Change™ Climate Disruption!

All we have to do is keep this kapitalist pig from getting any more funds for his campaign and we have the Rethuglikan bastud beat!

All hail Peter The Prog!

Art Robinson must be made an up-person. Isn't he the one who without any training at all saw through the blizzard of lies about AWG? I mean, normally it takes years in doctoral degrees to get as stupid as the people we have and this Robinson fellow comes up and...

Off with his head!

If a ray of light shines into a pig sty, what do you blame? The sty or the light?

The light, of course.

That that's a silly question. That's covered in Prog 101a.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Dr. No, I well recall your steel hands in the first James Bond movie. Could I interest you in persuading some of my proles to be more productive? Say a squeeze to the conjones.

I don't know what's wrong. I keep following the playbook of Dear Barry Hussy Obowma, and I tell people that they are privileged to work for me, and that they just can't understand what I'm doing for them. It worked for Joe Biden, and why not for me? Don't you, in your heart of hearts, rage against people who want to know what's happening to them? When you know it's for their own good? As defined by what's to your good is by definition to their good.

Because you are a made prog. Do you get it?

I wish you leninspeed in your twelve-step recovery plan from Republicanism. Not only is the party monstrous, but even the name. A Republic? Come on. Everyone knows that the only efficient government is a dictatorship.

Dear Commissar Theocritus,


Prole persuasion is my specialty, indeed, grab them by the conjones and their hearts and minds will surely follow. It is a well known fact that farmers have always increased egg production by strangling their chickens. To this I say whatever works; “The End Justifies The Means^TM”. If you find you need help with your proles don't hesitate to ask, they will produce or else. If this fails, some skull crushing and composting may work or at least hide evidence of program malfunction. Then we sit down, we drink much Vodka and get drunk like pigs …Ah the good times Comrade.


Theocritus you do have a way with words. Yes, I too rage against the clueless masses. Many like us use that iron fist of conspicuous compassion working tirelessly for the common good. I ask you, what do we have to show for this, for all this care and concern and for our korrect thoughts? We are so unappreciated, give them a beet and they want two. Next thing you know they want a lump of pork fat for their cabbage soup, where will it end. We ration for them and they should be thanking us for their most equalness. They forget that someone needs to oversee, to manage for their benefit and proper redistribution and social justice. All this we do and they don't give a Stephens Kangaroo Rat's ass for us.


Thank you for kind wishes on my wreckovery from my former Rethuglican ways. The Karl Marx Treatment Center is bringing about a total transformation; I'm actually beginning to believe my own bullshit. You are a fountain of Progressive wisdom and I must agree a good dictatorship is so much more efficient …You will do it and You will Like it! What the hell could be wrong with that?


Comrade perhaps one day soon we will party like its 1917.
We Hope for Change (cause there ain't much left)!


Most equally yours,
Dr. NOski

You know Michelle Bachmann has genital warts but she won't display them in public. Just the fact she won't display them is proof enough for me...but Theo, I'm confused...why did the Star Chamber call you an English cigarette? Do you have ties to Big Tobacco? Have you been in bed with Joe Cameltoe?

Dr. NOski, thank you for your inspired use of the "iron fist of conspicuous compassion." It is wonderful.

The reason that I am a Democrat, oh hell, this is in camera so I can strip naked and say that I'm a prog, is that I am a busy man. I have so many proles to flog, old ladies with savings to steal, old people to lie to, young people to lie to.

Are there times that you just get tired of lying? I do, and again, this is in camera.

That is why I'm getting Barney's to partner with the Democrat Party. We will offer eco-tourism, well, we'll have cruises with speakers who blame W for the Big Bang, when they should have been blaming Slick Willie for many little pseudo bangs. Except for the one time that he banged our dear Many Titted Empress, although the jury is out, along with the scientists and the DNA evidence, on whether or not their daughter was the result of the consummation of marriage or whether our MTE came into the bedroom, furious to find a chippie there, and then she sat on the wet spot.Calling fissiparous reproduction. But then you knew that.

We'll have a grand old time using the Democrat Party for our personal shopper for our conspicuous compassion.

Let no tear go unwept! Let no sentiment go unexpressed! Let no hypocrisy go unuttered!

After we all well up and wipe the crocodile tears from our eyes, we can go back to our staterooms with the Bollinger and talk about our current problems.

Ah, I well remember the days of worrying about maids and gardeners. The olden days. Now we worry about oppressing entire classes.

And what could be better? In the olden days, your maid could start a business and leave.

Now we have true servants.

BTW, Latin has no word for servant, really. It does have a word for slave. Which is servus.

We're heading back to Caesar's time!

Laika, you're quite right about Bachman's genital warts. But let's carry this out a little bit more. I say that I have a trillion dollars in the bank. You ask for evidence.

"Do you have any proof that I don't have a trillion in the bank? Therefore I must have it."

I learned this one from dear Nanski.

It's Financing 2010, 101a.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Laika, you're quite right about Bachman's genital warts. But let's carry this out a little bit more. I say that I have a trillion dollars in the bank. You ask for evidence.

"Do you have any proof that I don't have a trillion in the bank? Therefore I must have it."

I learned this one from dear Nanski.

It's Financing 2010, 101a.

Yes, this is quite true Comrade but since you divulged that the Star Chamber is involved I am forced to ask you; did you or are you or could you maybe might of sometimes probably you guessed that and thought likely but had your doubts then hesitated with malice aforethought had shameful ideas about Michelle Bachmann?

Now that Google Ads has a laser lock on the Home Page.

Oh. My. God. Laika, there is no question at all why you are our Noble Space Hero. I shall never again doubt any Current Truth which I hear broadcast from your satellite above me on my Supeterodyne, Phased Antenna Array Tin Foil Hat. With Pamela Anderson attachments, pace Dear Sister SMO.

I did look at that Bachman trollop and to my utter and complete horror I felt a stirring between my front pockets.

This is horrible. Laika, as my soviet confessor/general, please help me.

I have been true to my calling. When the Nanski was here I never got a stirring. Even when she clawed my furniture with her velociraptor nails. When our dear MTE was here at the Rancho, I never got a stirring when she put divots into my terrazzo with her hooves and holes in my walls with her tusks. I didn't even get excited when she passed out one night, drunk on a cocktail of rich, white, Rethuglican virgin blood mixed with Stolichnaya. And then she lost control of her bowels.

For the second time..

Now, I ask you. What's not to love with this? The symbolism is wonderful. I'm entering it into Lilith Fair. Our MTE will show people how not to care, how to be SPITEful.

But still, I got no stirring from her. Not a bit.

And here is where I have to humbly beg your help. I did get a stirring when you mentioned Ms. Bachman, and Bruno noticed it. And she's a RethugliKKKan! And Moaning Murderous Moonbat Mike Malloy hates her, and since he's entirely batshit, that's good enough for me.

What, dear Laika, am I to do?