Comrades, I'm sure you remember the inspiring story of how our generous Comrade Kerry donated the last few million dollars of his cookie money to buy a yacht so that the boat yard workers of New Zealand could keep their jobs. Well, Comrade Kerry needs our help now; some evil Rethuglicans are unfairly demanding he pay taxes on his charitable contribution and he has not yet paid them their blood money.
Boston Herald wrote:John Kerry's bucks stop where?
By Gayle Fee and Laura Raposa
Friday, November 5, 2010 - Updated 5 hours ago
It's been more than three months since we first told you about Capt. John Kerry's high-seas tax dodge on his new $7 million yacht, Isabel, and the town of Nantucket still doesn't have a check from the senior senator!
You may recall that Kerry lowered the flag and surrendered in July, agreeing to pony up more than $400,000 to cover state taxes on the toney tub. Mr. Teresa Heinz broke out the checkbook four days after the Track set off a furious tempest with our report that he had purchased the 76-foot floating palace and ported her in Rhode Island, thus depriving the commonwealth of its pound of flesh.
A spokesman for the state Department of Revenue confirmed that “a sales tax return was filed” by Kerry last summer to cover state taxes that would have been owed, had he kept the Isabel in his home state's waters. But according to the Nantucket tax collector, he never paid any excise taxes to the town on the Isabel.
He is too brave to say so publicly but I think he may have fallen on some hard times. I trust all of you have been buying ketchup and pickles in the required amounts.... maybe Theresa has cut his allowance because he didn't take out the garbage last month??? Anyway, I've decided we must all band together to help our hero in his time of need. I didn't tell Johnny I'm doing this (he would call me stupid and irrational, like I was a voter or something...) but I am a progressive so I am someone who can't abide standing around and doing nothing when there is the possibility I could do something stupid that will make matters much worse. With that in mind, I am organizing a BAKE SALE with the proceeds to go to paying Commissar Kerry's boat sales tax!
A lot of high-profile heros of the revolution have been invited and are joining in! Bestus-first-lady-ever Michelle Obama cannot be with us (she is busy attending to important affairs of state like helping to spend $200 million a day to stimulate the Indian economy) but she graciously is making a contribution:
I know it looks like a big lump of People's Tasty Cream ™which is sprouting hair but MO assures me she made it herself and she "knows what a bake sale is, you effing moron" (her exact words) so I am compelled to believe it is a cake of some kind. Tasty looking, too, eh? Yum!
Next, we have a donation by Comrade Nanski Peloski. She told me she did made it while watching the election returns Tuesday but I don't understand how she had time to bake given how busy she must have been throwing up.
Unfortunately, I am having difficulty getting donations from some of our illustrious congress-persons. Many pushed or shoved me as I approached them; one even broke my picture tube. I guess they mistook me for one of their constituents or something. But most have been friendly and cooperative, especially when I told them it was for our sainted Comrade Kerry. Here are some of the tasty treats I've collected so far:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your generous donations to this worthiest of causes.
Well, that's all for now. I will post further updates as soon as more uber-gracious and generous donations arrive. I am expecting to be swamped any minute now, given how noble and charitable and eager to lend a hand all us progressives are. And I will look forward to seeing all of you at the bake sale.
11/5/2010, 7:44 pm
General Confusion
Dear Opiate!
Maybe he would be a charter member of the "Billionaires in need club", George Soros may join, Bill Gates is a candidate!
They are going to need a very crafty PR firm to present their message and their needs.
Maybe a few shots of "working" at the gulag.
11/5/2010, 11:04 pm
Leninka
Oh, the tragedy. Marrying a woman who married into money isn't all that it's chaulked up to be, is it? We have the past: a ride up a swift boat into Cambodia before shooting ourselves in the foot, and the present: living with a stingy, but rich wife who doesn't dole out quite enough money for the style of the rich and famous - kind of like living with a wealthy wife who buys a home on the golf course, but won't pay the $60,000 country club dues, so there you sit, gazing over the golf course, but not being allowed to actually play golf. It's not fair, it's simply not fair.
11/5/2010, 11:37 pm
Groucho Marxist
I thought Comrade Kerry paid those taxes. It was seared in my memory.
11/6/2010, 12:38 pm
Fraulein Frankenfeinstein
OH MY! Is that a vegetable Mama MO is holding or did she have her way with with Papa BO??!!!
oh, wait, yes, I see, cough, I believe that is a veggie, yes? I think?
But as I was saying, poor Kerry indeed, but has he considered dumping Teresa Heinz Kerry (as he did the previous rich wife) for another richer wife? This seems to be a good plan and one he has followed in the past. I am sure there's a Kellogg, Ford, Rockefeller and or some poor rich miserable woman out there, looking for a boring dolt like 'swift-boat' Kerry. I would love to make a baking sale purchase, and those all look, ahumm, sooo good, but sadly at the moment, I am without funds. Drat that election!!
