The People's Cube - Political Satire

Spring. The season of renewal. Rebirth. Reinvention.

What does it mean to you? Well, if you're the President of the United States, it means the joy and wonder of Nowruz—also known as “Farsi Speaking New Year” according to Wikipedia.

I think it's wonderful that as busy he is filling out his NCAA brackets, enjoying some golf, attending DNC fundraisers, raising awareness about school bullying, jetting off to Rio to kick soccer balls with kids; and posing for photos of himself on the phone so as to reassure the masses that he's at least trying to make a show of looking as if he's managing to muster a modicum of interest in sidebars like Japan and Libya, that he still finds the time to care enough about the Iranian people by videotaping a long speech wishing them a Happy Farsi Speaking New Year:

President Obama's Happy Nowruz Greetings

Today, I want to extend my best wishes to all who are celebrating Nowruz in the United States and around the world.
Each year of my presidency, I have marked this holiday by speaking directly to the people of Iran. That is what I would like to do once more.

And after the compulsory reminder to all that he is President, he proceeds to do just that.

The next excerpt from his speech was specially constructed for him by greetingsforallholidays.com, a free online holiday greeting generator that allows users to create their own unique, personalized holiday greetings. Simply type your name, the name of the holiday, and the person(s) you are greeting into the required fields, then click Enter. In seconds you'll have a one-of-a-kind holiday greeting that's sure to bring smiles to all its recipients, who will cherish it always!

This is a holiday for the Iranian people to spend time with friends and family; to reflect on the extraordinary blessings that you enjoy; and to look forward to the promise of a new day. After all, this is a season of hope and renewal. And today, we know that this is also a season of promise across the Middle East and North Africa, even as there are also enormous challenges.

Indeed, I suppose there is something enormously challenging about being beaten and bombed and shot at.

Meanwhile, I'd like to know how the fascist right wing filth below—clearly the sort of thing one hears on Fox News or Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck—made it into our President's speech:

So far, the Iranian government has responded by demonstrating that it cares far more about preserving its own power than respecting the rights of the Iranian people.
For nearly two years, there has been a campaign of intimidation and abuse. Young and old; men and women; rich and poor – the Iranian people have been persecuted. Hundreds of prisoners of conscience are in jail. The innocent have gone missing. Journalists have been silenced. Women tortured. Children sentenced to death.

Oh, wait a minute, silly me. Never mind what I wrote above. Here I thought it read American government, and American people, but he really did say Iranian in both instances. Ooops! I miswrote!

You are not bound by the chains of the past – the distracting hatred of America that will create no jobs or opportunity; the rigid and unaccountable government; the refusal to let the Iranian people realize their full potential for fear of undermining the authority of the state.

Eeek! I almost made the same flub again, thinking this was Limbaugh or Beck talking about Obama.

Maybe I better wrap this thing up with what I can only describe as Obama's "Footprints in the Sand" moment:

And though times may seem dark, I want you to know that I am with you.

I feel reassured now, how about you?

Happy Farsi Speaking New Year to all my fellow comrades!

Who does this guy think he is? We only have ONE New Year—and that already happened 3 months and 20 days ago. The Peoples New Year, as set in time by the good Colonel 7.62, really is what it is!.

But here's to the Iranian "New Year":

Pardon my "Farsi"

Dear Leader is living up to his promise of spreading peace all over the globe, is he not!?

He spoke true as candidate: "America is the greatest nation in the world, and we're going to change it..."

I just got off the Red Phone with Mahmoud and he sounds really pissed. He sent a letter for Commissarka Pinkie and said for me to deliver it ASAP:

Dearest Commissarka Pinkie,

I have been a fan of yours for many, many years. It is only now I worked up the courage to write you and...and I hesitate to ask, but will you use your considerable influence to pass my thoughts on to that sand for brains, empty suited, excuse of a POTUS?

Barrack of the Devil Serpent's Tongue,
You can take your Nowruz wishes and post them in the nearest camel's butt. MY PEOPLE LOVE ME and they are fine. The last thing they need is you and your wishy washy wishes of hope. Their HOPE lies in only one place: ME!

Now go throw a basketball or play golf, whatever it is you do and leave my People alone. Please to remember one thing, I am not some old fart, has been like Muammar Gaddafi. You will do well to remember that...

With Love and Kisses Pinkie,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Comrades,

As log as we don't get confused between farsi and farcical speech.

He is more fluent with the latter than the former.

Comrades, Dear Leader Obama's Nobooze greeting has been warmly received by the Iranian pipple. I have just received a text message from an Iranian friend hiding out in a cave somewhere that I wish to share with you. I had some trouble interpreting the texting and my language skills are not so good - not Farsi, English - but I was able to get a 15-year-old to help me in exchange for buying him a couple of cases of vodka and we think we got the gist of the thing down pretty cold. Here it is - get your hankies out, I'm sure you are going to be touched....

dear stoopid asshole Obama: two years ago when we were demonstrating against the evil thug Ahminadinnerjacket, we looked to U for support and hoped that you would speak out in our behalf, in favor of freedom and against the totalitarian fascist Mullah regime. Do you remember what you said to help us? "..... "! That's right, doochebag, you said what was in your heart and in your head, absolutely nothing! So you can take your fuggin' Nowruz greeting and choke on it. If I ever have the misfortune to meet you in person, I will stick your (unintelligible) putter up your (unintelligible.) (unintelligible) YOU and I hope your Final Four picks all go down in flames and make you look like the (unintelligible) LOSER you are!

So you see, Mr. President, the Iranian pipple, like all the world's pipple, love you. Keep fighting the good fight and Happy Nobooze to You Too, Sir!

Thank you Pinkie for this glorious recap, in honor of Farsi Speaking New Year we went out and riled up the troops for class war...

Comrades, I am perplexed by the total lack of civility in the messages from Ahmadinejad and Opiate's cave pal.

But then when you consider how confused I was by several passages of Obama's speech above, one can only conclude that the problem isn't Obama himself, but his messaging.

I blame those nerds over at greetingsforallholidays.com. I suspect they're just another front for the Koch brothers.

If Obama's 'messaging' is the problem, the usual suspect, and culprit is—ALWAYS—the Tele-Prompter. "All I need is the air that I breathe and a clean screen."