4/8/2011, 8:13 pm
My fellow comrades:
ABC News is urging the masses to submit their stories about the many terrible ways their lives will be ruined by Republicans in the event of a government shutdown.
Here is my story, based on a conversation over a meal at my dacha:
I am contemplating my breakfast of Eggs Faberge, served with the portrait of Empress Alexandra facing me—or put another way, Sunny Side Up (I'd give Beet of the Week to the first person to correctly get that reference, if only the Republicans weren't threatening to defund BOTW on the grounds that it's “partisan, rigged, and frivolous feel-goodism disguising ‘shakedown socialism' through its phony ‘Give Back' program that's nothing more than another money-laundering scheme”**).
My male oppressor sits across from me, wearing his eyeglasses that he got from the VA. He says they haven't been working so well lately, that things are getting blurry and giving him headaches, so he needs to make an appointment with VA for a new checkup/prescription.
I tell him, “But if the Republicans shut down the government, you won't be able to make an appointment with the VA. And by the time Obama gets it up and running again, it'll be too late. You'll be blind, and it'll be all the Republicans' fault. If you don't believe me, just ask any Democrat.”
He ponders this. “Hm, this could cause problems. If I'm blind, I won't be able to find my keys.”
“You can never find your keys anyway. I always have to find them for you.”
“And I won't be able to look for the remote control you keep hiding from me. For that matter—HOLY CRAP! If I'm blind, I won't be able to see the NFL Draft!”
(Which happens to fall on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding, but I keep my glee to myself. Plenty of time to smile and dance with delight after his vision goes totally kaput—which, according to the Democrats, will happen the minute the government shuts down.)
~
Smugly, I say, “No, dear, you won't be able to see the NFL Draft at all. And it'll be all the fault of those evil Republicans you keep voting for.”
Desperate, he grips the edge of the table and stares wide-eyed at his cereal bowl, as if he knows that due to his Republican-induced failing eyesight, he's looking his last upon things like spoons and soggy Beet Flakes in a Corelle bowl. “I can't give up. I mustn't give up. I'm a Republican, dammit. That means I don't give in to anyone or anything. I don't budge. I STAY THE COURSE!” He pounds his fist on the table. “When the government is up and running again, I'll just call the VA for an appointment. Now pass the sugar, woman.”
“It's right in front of you, not that Michelle thinks you need it, anyway. Obviously you're already going blind because of the Republicans' hateful, intolerant, mean-spirited policies. You may as well forget about calling the VA. You won't be able to see the telephone to dial them, anyway.”
His mouth full of Beet Flakes, he says, “No problem. I'll just get you to dial it for me. After all, you're supposed to be my helpmate.”
I sadly shake my head. “I'm afraid that won't be possible. When the Republicans shut down the government at the stroke of midnight, the first thing they'll do is kill me in cold blood just because I'm a woman.”
“No problem. I'll just get married again. Maybe this time around, I'll find some woman who doesn't bore me to death with all her mystical New Age blather about how I should appreciate and celebrate the synergy of ‘her feminine', like those junkless losers over at consciousmen.com. Maybe next time I'll find a REAL woman who graciously submits to shooting and skinning moose, like my fantasy babe, Sarah Palin.”
“Haven't you been listening to the Democrats all this week? Oh, that's right, you only watch Fox. The Republicans plan to kill ALL women. Meanwhile, they've blinded you for life. And since they've eliminated all programs to help the blind, you'll be forced onto the street to sell pencils out of a cup. That's the GOP's idea of ‘job creation.'”
He scoffs. “No one buys pencils anymore, because pencils are obsolete.”
“That doesn't matter to the Republicans. They want to force us back to everything that's obsolete, from pencils to wire hangers.”
“Big deal. If there are no plastic hangers, then I don't have a problem using wire ones to hang up my pants.”
“Ha! Since when did you ever hang up your pants?”
“Never, so you see why I don't have a problem with it.”
“Either way, that's NOT why they want us to go back to wire hangers!”
Thoughtfully he chews his soggy, sugar-coated Beet Flakes, like a cow chews its cud as it stares blankly across the pasture. Finally he says, “You know, I can still listen to the NFL Draft on the radio. But if the Republicans kill you, then you'll miss the Royal Wedding.”
In summary, because of the Republicans:
1. My spousal unit will go blind and be forced to sell pencils from a cup.
2. I will die from lack of access to reproductive services or something.
3. I will miss the Royal Wedding.
4. Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week Awards program will be suspended indefinitely due to ideologically driven defunding.
5. Unruly proles can no longer be disciplined with Pinkie's shovel.
**Source: Numerous lying right wing media outlets.
Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People's Cube, and is renowned, admired, and fawned upon by all the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn't busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys beating proles with her shovel, spending their money, and indulging her Obamaphilia with Obamabilia until she's Obamabilious.
ABC News is urging the masses to submit their stories about the many terrible ways their lives will be ruined by Republicans in the event of a government shutdown.
Here is my story, based on a conversation over a meal at my dacha:
I am contemplating my breakfast of Eggs Faberge, served with the portrait of Empress Alexandra facing me—or put another way, Sunny Side Up (I'd give Beet of the Week to the first person to correctly get that reference, if only the Republicans weren't threatening to defund BOTW on the grounds that it's “partisan, rigged, and frivolous feel-goodism disguising ‘shakedown socialism' through its phony ‘Give Back' program that's nothing more than another money-laundering scheme”**).
My male oppressor sits across from me, wearing his eyeglasses that he got from the VA. He says they haven't been working so well lately, that things are getting blurry and giving him headaches, so he needs to make an appointment with VA for a new checkup/prescription.
I tell him, “But if the Republicans shut down the government, you won't be able to make an appointment with the VA. And by the time Obama gets it up and running again, it'll be too late. You'll be blind, and it'll be all the Republicans' fault. If you don't believe me, just ask any Democrat.”
He ponders this. “Hm, this could cause problems. If I'm blind, I won't be able to find my keys.”
“You can never find your keys anyway. I always have to find them for you.”
“And I won't be able to look for the remote control you keep hiding from me. For that matter—HOLY CRAP! If I'm blind, I won't be able to see the NFL Draft!”
(Which happens to fall on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding, but I keep my glee to myself. Plenty of time to smile and dance with delight after his vision goes totally kaput—which, according to the Democrats, will happen the minute the government shuts down.)
~
Smugly, I say, “No, dear, you won't be able to see the NFL Draft at all. And it'll be all the fault of those evil Republicans you keep voting for.”
Desperate, he grips the edge of the table and stares wide-eyed at his cereal bowl, as if he knows that due to his Republican-induced failing eyesight, he's looking his last upon things like spoons and soggy Beet Flakes in a Corelle bowl. “I can't give up. I mustn't give up. I'm a Republican, dammit. That means I don't give in to anyone or anything. I don't budge. I STAY THE COURSE!” He pounds his fist on the table. “When the government is up and running again, I'll just call the VA for an appointment. Now pass the sugar, woman.”
“It's right in front of you, not that Michelle thinks you need it, anyway. Obviously you're already going blind because of the Republicans' hateful, intolerant, mean-spirited policies. You may as well forget about calling the VA. You won't be able to see the telephone to dial them, anyway.”
His mouth full of Beet Flakes, he says, “No problem. I'll just get you to dial it for me. After all, you're supposed to be my helpmate.”
I sadly shake my head. “I'm afraid that won't be possible. When the Republicans shut down the government at the stroke of midnight, the first thing they'll do is kill me in cold blood just because I'm a woman.”
“No problem. I'll just get married again. Maybe this time around, I'll find some woman who doesn't bore me to death with all her mystical New Age blather about how I should appreciate and celebrate the synergy of ‘her feminine', like those junkless losers over at consciousmen.com. Maybe next time I'll find a REAL woman who graciously submits to shooting and skinning moose, like my fantasy babe, Sarah Palin.”
“Haven't you been listening to the Democrats all this week? Oh, that's right, you only watch Fox. The Republicans plan to kill ALL women. Meanwhile, they've blinded you for life. And since they've eliminated all programs to help the blind, you'll be forced onto the street to sell pencils out of a cup. That's the GOP's idea of ‘job creation.'”
He scoffs. “No one buys pencils anymore, because pencils are obsolete.”
“That doesn't matter to the Republicans. They want to force us back to everything that's obsolete, from pencils to wire hangers.”
“Big deal. If there are no plastic hangers, then I don't have a problem using wire ones to hang up my pants.”
“Ha! Since when did you ever hang up your pants?”
“Never, so you see why I don't have a problem with it.”
“Either way, that's NOT why they want us to go back to wire hangers!”
Thoughtfully he chews his soggy, sugar-coated Beet Flakes, like a cow chews its cud as it stares blankly across the pasture. Finally he says, “You know, I can still listen to the NFL Draft on the radio. But if the Republicans kill you, then you'll miss the Royal Wedding.”
In summary, because of the Republicans:
1. My spousal unit will go blind and be forced to sell pencils from a cup.
2. I will die from lack of access to reproductive services or something.
3. I will miss the Royal Wedding.
4. Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week Awards program will be suspended indefinitely due to ideologically driven defunding.
5. Unruly proles can no longer be disciplined with Pinkie's shovel.
**Source: Numerous lying right wing media outlets.
Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People's Cube, and is renowned, admired, and fawned upon by all the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn't busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys beating proles with her shovel, spending their money, and indulging her Obamaphilia with Obamabilia until she's Obamabilious.
