4/23/2011, 5:06 am
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, did not deny this in a recent exclusive interview with the People's Cube correspondent, Tsarevna Nookie Norperdaughter.
“It only stands to reason,” Ms. Napolitano said. “Ever since that nice but troubled young Muslim man, who was poorly schooled in the Qu'uran, blew up a car in front of the New York CBS studios last year, we have been waiting for a terrorist attack by Bible-beating, gun-clenching right-wingers... and doesn't that describe your average LDS churchgoer?"
“We begged Mr. Stone and Mr. Parker to be more careful. Who could have foreseen the violent reaction of the world's peaceful Muslim community when the South Park creators drew Mohammed into their cartoon show? And now they're stepping on the toes of most dangerous elements of our society: Christians, gun owners, conservatives, genealogists... Ken Jennings!”
Ms. Napolitano leaned forward to whisper the name of one of the world's most feared Mormons, who is rumored to have hypnotized Alex Trebek with his Mormon superpowers in order to plunder record-winning amounts of “Jeopardy” money.
“I fear that not only Stone and Parker, but all patriotic, left-thinking Americans will regret the decision to stage this play," said Napolitano. "I don't need to tell you why these polygamists are a grave danger to all New York tourists right now.”
Ms. Napolitano was reminded that polygamy was outlawed when Utah became a state, and that it is now an excommunicable act in the LDS church. At this, her eyes twinkled. “Ah-ha! That's what they want you to hear, but they're not fooling this DHS Secretary.”
“The LDS terrorists are very crafty, and might do things we've never anticipated before: suicide bombings, burning the Democratic Party leaders in effigy, car bombs, even flying planes into buildings.”
While some may say the above things have already been done by Muslims, Janet Napolitano considers such views to be dangerously naïve. "Our thorough evaluation of all so-called Muslim acts of terrorism reveals that they were all either funded by right-wing sources, or they were actually right-wingers masquerading as peaceful Muslim citizens. As we expected all along.”
Our interview with Secretary Napolitano was followed by a dangerous trip to Utah, where we interviewed actual Mormons. To ensure our safety, our team was wearing “We ♥ Mormons” t-shirts and white flags at all times. Sadly, our finding confirmed Secretary Napolitano's fears.
Mrs. Hyrum Johnson of Salt Lake City lured us into her home by offering milk and cookies. She was allegedly glad to talk about her religion at first, but her friendly demeanor darkened as soon as we mentioned the Broadway play, The Book of Mormon. “Those darned South Park boys really hurt my feelings," she said in a voice that can only be termed sincere. "They are going to get a lot of letters from people who aren't too happy.”
When asked what such letters might contain, Mrs. Johnson looked over both shoulders, as if to make sure no one important was listening in. “Well... now understand, I wouldn't write this myself, but I know some people in our community who might call them bad names. Like, troublemakers. Untalented. Rabble rousing. And even hell-bound.”
Strong words, but they do not come close to the angry intensity of Bishop Uriah Henderson of Provo.
Bishop Henderson was interviewed as he was helping a group put together a box of food for one of the poorer families in the Ward, but when asked what he would do if he were to have a conversation with Mr. Stone and Mr. Parker, his reaction was rather revealing. In fact, he openly asked if we could step aside from the food-packing room “so the children won't hear.” Then, with pursed lips and visibly trying to hold in his rage, he said, “Why, I'd tell those blasted comedians, 'read the Book of Mormon, boys! Maybe then you would get the right idea'.”
Confronted with the fact that the authors have already read the book and one of them even considered becoming a Mormon, Bishop Henderson was unfazed. “Well, I would tell them they should read it again! And I would remind them that Jesus would have never written a play like that. Maybe then they would truly come into the faith. And I would pray for them.”
Yes. Forced conversions. Prayer. It may be difficult to fathom that in our modern times such evil exists, but despite the friendly appearance of missionaries who come to your door, Mormonism contains all these dark elements and more.
Other Ward members also volunteered their opinions about the play. Jedidiah Smith, aged 10, told us, “I drew a picture of Joseph Smith and I'm going to send it to those South Park guys.” His mother, Lanny, said, “You know, if I ever saw Matt and Trey, I would shake my finger at them just like this and ask, ‘Have your mothers seen this show? Do they know you are having so much fun at the expense of others?'”
Lanny's comment shows just how deeply the seeds of rage and war have been furrowed into the Mormon Church. Amazingly, many Mormons are puzzled by the idea that only minorities have feelings.
While Mormons indeed have members among various minority groups, the Church is still quite hostile towards transgender and cross-dressing demographics. Thankfully, the exposure of young Mormons to correct views in public school has minimized prejudice towards non-transgender and non-cross dressing Gay-Americans.
Juanita Menendez is a second-generation American. Even though her family immigrated from Honduras legally, she has as much Latina heritage as the less privileged undocumented immigrants. Juanita, a cashier at the local Winn-Dixie, was happy to talk and seemed very friendly. “Me, I don't worry so much about it,” she said about the play. “It didn't sound that bad to me. But some people around here...” She bent down to whisper, “I know someone who is writing a book that says Matt and Trey are not funny.”
Mormons like Juanita, who live in Salt Lake City and the surrounding area, aren't giving too much thought to what happens in New York. But what is droves of uncontrollable Mormons begin to descend on Broadway? Again, we asked Mormons themselves, what they would do if they were given a ticket to New York and had a chance to protest against the play.
Jason Waterford, a high school student who asked not to be named (sorry Jason), told us that if he were in New York, he'd really rather hire a prostitute because he's never had sex before and thinks it would be fun. All wholesome growing boy material! But a classmate, who is better versed in Mormon scripture, was more intent on letting us know what the two “troublemakers” really might face.
“It says in Moroni 7:46,” she told us, “'Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.' And that's true. We really don't like what the ‘Book of Mormon' play says, but the important thing is to have compassion for the authors and audience anyway.”
Asked about how exactly she would show this so-called “compassion,” she snapped: “Oh, I don't know... maybe we could go out to the nearest deli, make some sandwiches, and bring them in to the theater during rehearsal so everyone could take a break.”
Anger. Code words. Clear motive. Proselytizing. Sandwiches. Damaging epithets like “darned” and “blasted comedians.” Exposure to a scripture that contains all the wrong ideas about the economy, the world, and U.S. politics.
Luckily for us and New York, Janet Napolitano is taking this secretive, mysterious people's words seriously. If you are going to the Big Apple this spring or summer, you might want to pack some body armor.
"Anyone knows if there's a way I can edit that so that people don't have to read the whole thing at once before getting to the comments? A cut and link to"read more"?"
Mystery item No. 1
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