The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades!

This morning I was reading my local collective's newspaper when I hit on this brilliant observation from a progressive who somehow managed to have a letter printed by the editor. He observed:

"Much has been made over the past few years of the “brain drain” afflicting our state.
Educated young people are leaving more often than they are staying. In the meantime, Louisianians have elected even more conservatives to state and national office; so much so that there is hardly any Democratic Party presence left in state offices.

Are those two pieces of information unrelated, or coincidental? Hardly! One leads to the other and back again.

As educated young people have left the state we have become ever more conservative, driving out the next graduating class of educated young people, leaving us more and more… well, conservative."

This wise man went on to defend his opinion in a brilliant fashion as you may well expect, and it was clear that he was on to something and suggests the perfect plan to finally wipe out the last vestiges of Conservative Cholesterol™ that inflicts its damage to the body politic! (For those who have no inkling what Conservative Cholesterol™ means, it may be defined as the bad sort of junk that blocks the free flow of good liberal blood in our government.)

The answer is clear, we must re-distribute educated liberal minds from those areas where we have a huge surplus, such as California, Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, New York, The View, Main Stream Media, etc., to those areas where they are needed. Then comrades, then we can finally achieve the USSA, the World of Next Tuesday, that we have only had a foretaste of with the ascension of the Obama.

Needless to say, I offer my services to take charge of Brain Re-Distribution and all the subsidies that this will require.

Please do not drain my brain. It gets all prickly when the fluid level gets low.

Most Esteemed Comrade Brain in a Jar, there is no reason to worry about draining your brain! Far be it from I! However, as suggested by the need to re-distribute brains, we may need to transfer you to a new location. I have all of the packing material needed to transfer your brain jar to where it is most needed.

And as has been stated elsewhere: for those who keep brains in jars, why not add a slice of lemon for freshness?

Brain and brain, what is brain?
-unknown bimbo, Star Trek Orig. Series, Search For Spock's Brain

These brain draining machines, can they perform abortions too? Just thinkin' that we could open clinics and kill two birds with one stone (get it, kill 2 birds...)

Sigh. Where have you gone, Huey Long?

How about a new champagne: Bitter Edumacation in Lousyana! We got your snakes, we've got your gators, ifn you find dry land thar may be a stor to steal from.

One word: Propiska!

Under the Soviets, internal passports were issued at the age of 16, subject to renewal every five years, with a propiska, or residency permit stamped inside. No change in residence could be made without official permission and failure to register was subject to fines or imprisonment. A valid propiska was required in order to work, get married or gain access to education or social services. Individuals were required to present their passports and propiski for internal travel or on demand by authorities or employers.

Here's your answer to brain drain!

In Soviet Russia, your place of residence changed you!

Brilliant, Boss! Let all the Rethuglikkkan passports be stamped with Idaho propiski, and we can send them up there with the survivalists, potatoes, and poor cell phone reception!!!! Better yet, set up a Gulag Work Camp and start getting them to make extra teleprompters for Dear Leader!

General Confusion wrote:How about a new champagne: Bitter Edumacation in Lousyana! We got your snakes, we've got your gators, ifn you find dry land thar may be a stor to steal from.

"a new champagne" Comrade General Confusion? Now of course, I was "edumacated" in the Great State of Louisiana, the Home of the Fighting Tigers of LSU and down the road from the Blessed Saints of New Orleans, but I am not familiar with that drink. Perhaps you mean Campaign? Just a thought comrade General from one loyal more equal than, but remember, your response may...nyet, you can be certain, will be part of your permanent record.

Ah, who is kidding who? It's not as if I have any of my agents, or talent shitting pigeons anywhere close to you eh?

We illiterates must stick together. I propose we start our own party. Let's have the first one at Louie's Corner Tavern.

Red Square wrote:One word: Propiska!

Under the Soviets, internal passports were issued at the age of 16, subject to renewal every five years, with a propiska, or residency permit stamped inside. No change in residence could be made without official permission and failure to register was subject to fines or imprisonment. A valid propiska was required in order to work, get married or gain access to education or social services. Individuals were required to present their passports and propiski for internal travel or on demand by authorities or employers.

Here's your answer to brain drain!

In Soviet Russia, your place of residence changed you!

Russian Soviets are better Soviets for sure and I really miss them. In Soviet China, propiska is still required for getting permission to have your only baby as well.

Not to worry, comrades - Dear Leader is working on it. We WILL have propiska!

Already he doesn't need congressional approval for, well, ANYthing! When he says "Propiska!" it will BE Propiska!!

It's not just my leg that is feeling tingle, comrades...

Propiska--Americard--Real ID...

Marshal Pupovich, we are already hard at work addressing this problem. This first step will give usa steady supply of liberal educated brains to redistribute.WASHINGTON—In a bold new measure intended to address unemployment among young professionals, lawmakers from across the political spectrum agreed on legislation Tuesday to subsidize the cryogenic freezing of recent college graduates until the job market recovers.

[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif !important]Grads would be cryopreserved immediately after receiving their diplomas.[/font]

The bill, expected to swiftly pass in both houses, would facilitate the subzero preservation of any graduate of a two- or four-year educational institution. Sponsors of the initiative said that with the national unemployment rate at just under 10 percent, it only made sense for young job-seekers to temporarily enter a state of supercooled stasis.
"Finding employment is extremely difficult for today's college graduate," Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) said. "Our current economy offers few options for the millions of young men and women desperate to join the workforce."
"Were we to freeze these graduates at the height of vigor and ambition, however, there's a chance we could revive them during a more prosperous time," Hutchinson continued. "When the economy finally bounces back—10, 20, even 30 years from now—we'll have an entire generation thawed out and ready to contribute."
The Frozen For Their Future Act reportedly calls for the installation of thousands of cryogenic tanks at college commencement ceremonies around the country. Upon receiving their diplomas, newly minted graduates will immediately make their way to preservation stations where their hearts will be artificially stopped using electroshock or a potassium-salt solution. Once a graduate's blood is drained and replenished with an anti-crystallizing fluid, they will be submerged in liquid nitrogen, a process that will, in effect, put them into suspended animation until key sectors of the American economy such as real estate and information technology have rebounded.
[/font][/color]According to Walter Reardon of the Cryonics Partnership Inc., it will be essential for the freezing procedure to be conducted as quickly as possible.

"Graduates will never be more primed to enter the workplace than at the exuberant moment they toss their caps in the air," said Reardon, who claimed that cryogenics was the only hope for an estimated two-thirds of the nation's students. "Wait even two days, and a graduate's brain will begin to show the effects of fretting about the dismal job market. Wait six months, and you might have a permanently cynical underachiever resigned to his position at a mall sunglasses kiosk."
"Frankly, that person might not even be worth bringing back," Reardon added.
Under the proposed guidelines of the legislation, frozen graduates would remain in storage at a temperature of minus 196 degrees Celsius (minus 321 degrees Fahrenheit) until the unemployment rate fell to a more manageable 4.5 percent. All graduates would also be required to sign a waiver stating that they understood the risks involved, and that there was no guarantee the economy of the future would ever grow sufficiently to warrant their revival.
While acknowledging this danger, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY), who cosponsored the bill with Sen. Hutchison, said smaller subsets of graduates could be reanimated as needed if special circumstances created a demand for their skills.
"Let's say there's some sort of environmental crisis," Schumer said. "Well, we could selectively thaw students who majored in ecology or climatology and provide them with jobs. The same logic would apply if, say, 300 years from now a real-world application for people with philosophy degrees somehow arose."
Soon-to-be college graduates were divided about the pending legislation. While some expressed reluctance to induce their own clinical death, other students seemed content to postpone their job hunting for a while.
"Everyone I know is either unemployed or barely getting by," University of Illinois senior Kim Levesque said. "If they want to put me on ice until there are more jobs out there, that's totally fine with me. Not to mention the fact that I won't have to think about my student loans for a while."
When reached for comment, a spokesman for loan provider Sallie Mae said that educational loans taken out by graduates in cryogenic storage would continue to accrue interest indefinitely at 6.5 percent[/font][/color]

The USAF tested redistributing brains in a jar project, as documented in "The Outer Limits" documentary film entitled "The Brain of Colonel Barham" remixed with evil degenerate decadent jazz music:

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If they'd put that brain in Vodka (like yours truly) insted of orange juice, they wouldn't have had that problem....

Ivan Betinov wrote:If they'd put that brain in Vodka (like yours truly) insted of orange juice, they wouldn't have had that problem....

If we put our brains together, we could make a srewdriver! Yes, it took me over a week to come up with that punch line. That is b/c I had to send in my official joke requisition form in triplicate and stand in queue for the Official Obama Soviet Stimulus Joke Generator. ETOP™ Joel Warner and Peter McGraw 04/01/14 Wired article "It's Comedian vs. Computer in a Battle for Humor Supremacy" question the supremacy of products of govt projects. Not only that, they seem to question the methodology of govt programs w/ their hate thought crime "benign violation theory (BVT)" by implicitly criticizing unbenign violations that the IRS and various govt agencies foist upon the masses.

Since I am a highly respected member of the apparatchik, I was allotted and extra quota of humor-making. My bonus joke:

Pavel Trofimovich Morozov "Take my family, please! They're counter revolutionaries!"

Of course, evil capitalists stole this original valiant communist joke-making to be exploited in their greedy 1% stand up routines @1:11

Yes. Socialism is the source of all jokes.