The People's Cube - Political Satire

His Lordship Obama has decreed that there should be no prejudice against people who are unemployed. It is not fair, he says, to hurt people who have been laid off, sometimes beyond their control, and therefore one must not take into account whether or not they have been working.

I've had lots of things not in my control, such as the time that I felt compelled to steal the rest of Meow Punchenko's Hummels. That's my line and I'm sticking to it. So since it was beyond my control, I had no agency, so I'm not guilty. Right? Right.

This anti-unemployment legislation is very fair to a Made Prog like me. Although I am a businessman and must make decisions to survive, I long for the day when it is all in the hands of our totalitarian, faceless thugs highly trained Equality of Result Adjusters, who will absolve me of business judgments, any of which could be fatal, and let me be a pig-blind jobsworth. In other words, as unreflective, inconsiderate and nasty as I want to be.

I won't think the ERA will do it for me.

So I needn't worry whether someone has not been working because he didn't have to; he was “let off” because of the “economy” and whether or not he bothered to keep up in his field is unimportant. I mean, it's so hard when you're out of work to keep up skills like typing, unless of course you're blogging for Ariana in your mother's basement. The maintenance of a skill set is unimportant. Your desires as a human are paramount. Sum ergo mereor. I am, therefore I am owed. What could be a sweeter sound than people absolving themselves of responsibility, only to deliver their agency, and their souls, to us?

So I full heartedly support legislation forbidding discrimination against hiring the jobless.

Let's take it step farther. I think we should include in this bill legislation to insure that there is no discrimination against empty suits. It is only the best of luck that some of our Prog Fathers like Walter Kronkite and Dan Rather and Chris Matthews became as revered as they are; it is manifest to the meanest intelligence that all are empty suits. As with Peter Jennings. Another empty suit.

How could the world stand the loss of such excellent fellows? They were Jiffy-Lobo™ clients avant le lettre. As I said, it was mere happenstance that their complete and total vacuity wasn't exposed before they were vomited onto the public stage. To reward us with that utterly delicious vacuity which is the mark of a self-satisfied, well-groomed, and shallow man. How I love them.

So let's include legislation against discrimination against empty suits.

This is one thing that Dear Obozo would sign in a second because of a deep and personal understanding of the issue.

I love this piece, Theocritus! Nothing warms my heart more than deep policy discussions in which I count myself an expert. I am indeed an expert.

What we need... Yes, that sounds good, I'll start there. What we need is job skill training programs that will help the unskilled learn the skills needed to wear the empty suit. Wow, that's a great idea. I amaze myself. These programs will in turn train new teachers in the skills needed to help others gain the skills needed to operate in the new global economy. It is one benevolent cycle of skills training complete with empty suits! It's just like law school, only more expensive, burdensome, and more likely to generate a 100% failure rate thus resulting in yet another program. In so many words: a resounding success!

Allow me to demonstrate:

unskilled -> skilled -> skilled teacher -> unskilled again -> skilled -> skilled teacher -> World Economic Forum participant -> unskilled for the third time -> U.S. President -> unskilled for the fourth time -> Global statesman/woman/it.

Meow, you have indeed hit the nail on the head with a shovel. But not quite. Yes indeed an expensive, cumbersome and ineffective program will result in 100% failure. That's right. But that means that since it failed, we didn't do enough. We need to double down. The stimulus, or porkissimus (the hugest pork) ought to have been twice as big. The borrowing twice as big. We need to finish our evolution as proles, comfortable in the swaddling burlap of The Party™.

Each of us however has s/h/it's own evolution. Here is one for Dear Slick:


Here is the evolution for our Dear Many Titted Empress

And here of course is the evolution for Lord Obozo, who after his stint on Air Force One will no longer have legs.
You cannot see that his food has been predigested for him. Lobster of course. This is the future of the True Prog.

No better work can be found than in sitting in front of my new 52" plasma TV, my brand new leather couch (at a bargain for $3,000) and all the pizza I can eat, thanks to my monthly unemployment check from this glorious leader of ours, and with a little help from the Grand Madam of it all, Mrs Pelosi. Throw in some help with the rent, food stamps and other little trinkets and that means staying at home all day watching re-runs of my favorite program, "Dancing With The Stars." Life could not be better! So I say to all comrades-in-arms, shout from the highest rooftops, "FOUR MORE YEARS!"