10/19/2011, 7:58 pm
Berkantilism:
A progressive ideology, or youth movement, combining the so-called “slacker” ethos of the prolier-than-thou hipster, with Berkeley radicalism and the zero-sum economic beliefs of mercantilism.
Berkantilism's origins, as a systematic school of thought, remain cloudy, but certain scholars argue that an incipient strain fueled the New Left counterculture of the late-1960s, which produced such revolutionary wonders as the Woodstock music festival. Further refined with a sharpened, anti-capitalist focus over the ensuing decades, the ideology was fully articulated by the time of al-Qaeda's strikes on the United States on September 11, 2001.
When the reactionary Bush administration responded militarily, Berkantilists heroically opposed the president's war-mongering, staging successful protest marches in multiple American cities, engaging in countless acts of civil disobedience, and winning the hearts and minds of millions.
Today, a comrade, searching for Berkantilism on full display, need look no further than the OCCUPY [insert place name here] tent-cities that have flowered across the U.S. like red poppies in a fallow field.
Berkantilists integrate a “cannot-do” attitude with a naturalist's passion for camping, i.e., if that naturalist happens to enjoy camping with unwashed strangers, en masse, in public, urban spaces. Getting back to nature is imperative and what better place to enjoy pristine ecosystems than the inner city? Some, of course, have a health excuse and need to be in the vicinity of the closest medical-marijuana dispensary.
Being conscientious consumers, Berkantilists really love a bargain and nothing says bargain like: FREE! A free ride, a free lunch, a free sleeping bag, a free tent, a free body piercing, a free mocha latte, a free ironic t-shirt, a free trust fund, a free i-anything, a free all-expenses-paid trip to somewhere “not boring” – that's all good! But, as sophisticated postmodernists, they understand how the “ruling class” corrupts language to create a hegemonic narrative that marginalizes the proletariat – the fascists simply add a few letters to a word and completely change its meaning. Take FREEDOM, for instance. To Berkantilists, this word obviously means free to be DOMinated, and they will have no part of that sordid business.
Berkantilists are incredibly creative and resourceful. They produce fabulous works of art, depicting the cruelties of capitalism, from recycled materials pulled out of dumpsters. Waste is anathema to their very core – unless it's human waste, which they feel free to deposit on police cars and other emblems of their disenfranchisement. Ever-inventive, they develop catchy slogans, such as “Down with the Meanies of Production”, to boost their collective morale as they engage in their tireless struggle against Zionist stockjobbers.
Their anti-capitalist street theater is as colorful as it is masterful; and, because many of them are on their feet for more than two hours a day, they wear comfortable shoes – a choice that has prompted their narrow-minded detractors to label them “Birkentilists” or "Birkcan'tilists".
The proponents of Berkantilism are peaceful people, who rarely resort to violence, unless provoked by the henchmen of their 1% oppressors. Many of them are also exceedingly family-oriented, preferring to live at home with their parents to reduce their carbon footprint, rather than be part of the immoral pillaging of earth's precious resources.
Here's to the 99%!
A progressive ideology, or youth movement, combining the so-called “slacker” ethos of the prolier-than-thou hipster, with Berkeley radicalism and the zero-sum economic beliefs of mercantilism.
Berkantilism's origins, as a systematic school of thought, remain cloudy, but certain scholars argue that an incipient strain fueled the New Left counterculture of the late-1960s, which produced such revolutionary wonders as the Woodstock music festival. Further refined with a sharpened, anti-capitalist focus over the ensuing decades, the ideology was fully articulated by the time of al-Qaeda's strikes on the United States on September 11, 2001.
When the reactionary Bush administration responded militarily, Berkantilists heroically opposed the president's war-mongering, staging successful protest marches in multiple American cities, engaging in countless acts of civil disobedience, and winning the hearts and minds of millions.
Today, a comrade, searching for Berkantilism on full display, need look no further than the OCCUPY [insert place name here] tent-cities that have flowered across the U.S. like red poppies in a fallow field.
Berkantilists integrate a “cannot-do” attitude with a naturalist's passion for camping, i.e., if that naturalist happens to enjoy camping with unwashed strangers, en masse, in public, urban spaces. Getting back to nature is imperative and what better place to enjoy pristine ecosystems than the inner city? Some, of course, have a health excuse and need to be in the vicinity of the closest medical-marijuana dispensary.
Being conscientious consumers, Berkantilists really love a bargain and nothing says bargain like: FREE! A free ride, a free lunch, a free sleeping bag, a free tent, a free body piercing, a free mocha latte, a free ironic t-shirt, a free trust fund, a free i-anything, a free all-expenses-paid trip to somewhere “not boring” – that's all good! But, as sophisticated postmodernists, they understand how the “ruling class” corrupts language to create a hegemonic narrative that marginalizes the proletariat – the fascists simply add a few letters to a word and completely change its meaning. Take FREEDOM, for instance. To Berkantilists, this word obviously means free to be DOMinated, and they will have no part of that sordid business.
Berkantilists are incredibly creative and resourceful. They produce fabulous works of art, depicting the cruelties of capitalism, from recycled materials pulled out of dumpsters. Waste is anathema to their very core – unless it's human waste, which they feel free to deposit on police cars and other emblems of their disenfranchisement. Ever-inventive, they develop catchy slogans, such as “Down with the Meanies of Production”, to boost their collective morale as they engage in their tireless struggle against Zionist stockjobbers.
Their anti-capitalist street theater is as colorful as it is masterful; and, because many of them are on their feet for more than two hours a day, they wear comfortable shoes – a choice that has prompted their narrow-minded detractors to label them “Birkentilists” or "Birkcan'tilists".
The proponents of Berkantilism are peaceful people, who rarely resort to violence, unless provoked by the henchmen of their 1% oppressors. Many of them are also exceedingly family-oriented, preferring to live at home with their parents to reduce their carbon footprint, rather than be part of the immoral pillaging of earth's precious resources.
Here's to the 99%!
