4/20/2012, 8:57 pm
In a bold move likely to make broadcasting history, MSNBC today declared Barack Obama the winner of the 2012 election, more than six months before the first vote will be cast.
Citing results obtained from their super-sophisticated hyper-sensitive voter profiling analysis tools, which can also determine an individual's area code and phone number from ancient tree ring data, MSNBC spokesperson Ima Demmachrat related "We realize we may be jumping the gun a little bit here, but we just have soooo much confidence in our computer vote analysis thingamajig. It's never wrong - just ask President Kerry. We just couldn't keep the good news to ourselves any longer. Chris's leg started twitching like a Secret Service man in a Columbian bar when we told him. It's wonderful."
President-reelect Barack Obama welcomed the good news but said he would hold off on making a victory speech for a few hours to give opponent Mitt Romney a chance to concede. "Mr. Romney was a worthy opponent," the President stated, "but we knew if we told the truth to the American people, that everything that goes wrong is George Bush's fault, in the end we would prevail."
Shortly thereafter, Mr. Obama remarked to an aide, "OK, call Putin and tell him Alaska is his." It was believed the president did not realize his mike was still open at the time.
Prospective GOP nominee Mitt Romney immediately condemned MSNBC, labelling the call as another instance of media bias favoring Barack Obama and the Democrats. A prominent journolist immediately blasted Romney, stating that "Accusations of media bias are a myth. Romney and his Nazi pig GOP friends are always lying about our side. They make me sick. I hope they all die horrible deaths and the sooner, the better. I hate them all."
Some political observers reacted cautiously, noting that not even the New Hampshire hamlet of Dixville Notch had cast votes yet. But others were more willing to go out on a limb; one, who spoke off the record, said "I always knew Obama would be re-elected. Nobody I know voted for Romney."
Early or not, media experts believe now Obama's victory is a fait accompli. "Once the first news organization calls an election, the others rush to jump on the bandwagon. No one wants to be left too far behind in the news cycle," declared one very excited broadcaster who expected the major networks and national press to quickly follow suit in declaring Obama the winner.
But what about the voters? Don't they matter anymore? "Listen," he responded, "We're the media, we don't let the facts get in the way of a good story, especially when it's one we really want to tell."
Citing results obtained from their super-sophisticated hyper-sensitive voter profiling analysis tools, which can also determine an individual's area code and phone number from ancient tree ring data, MSNBC spokesperson Ima Demmachrat related "We realize we may be jumping the gun a little bit here, but we just have soooo much confidence in our computer vote analysis thingamajig. It's never wrong - just ask President Kerry. We just couldn't keep the good news to ourselves any longer. Chris's leg started twitching like a Secret Service man in a Columbian bar when we told him. It's wonderful."
President-reelect Barack Obama welcomed the good news but said he would hold off on making a victory speech for a few hours to give opponent Mitt Romney a chance to concede. "Mr. Romney was a worthy opponent," the President stated, "but we knew if we told the truth to the American people, that everything that goes wrong is George Bush's fault, in the end we would prevail."
Shortly thereafter, Mr. Obama remarked to an aide, "OK, call Putin and tell him Alaska is his." It was believed the president did not realize his mike was still open at the time.
Prospective GOP nominee Mitt Romney immediately condemned MSNBC, labelling the call as another instance of media bias favoring Barack Obama and the Democrats. A prominent journolist immediately blasted Romney, stating that "Accusations of media bias are a myth. Romney and his Nazi pig GOP friends are always lying about our side. They make me sick. I hope they all die horrible deaths and the sooner, the better. I hate them all."
Some political observers reacted cautiously, noting that not even the New Hampshire hamlet of Dixville Notch had cast votes yet. But others were more willing to go out on a limb; one, who spoke off the record, said "I always knew Obama would be re-elected. Nobody I know voted for Romney."
Early or not, media experts believe now Obama's victory is a fait accompli. "Once the first news organization calls an election, the others rush to jump on the bandwagon. No one wants to be left too far behind in the news cycle," declared one very excited broadcaster who expected the major networks and national press to quickly follow suit in declaring Obama the winner.
But what about the voters? Don't they matter anymore? "Listen," he responded, "We're the media, we don't let the facts get in the way of a good story, especially when it's one we really want to tell."
