The right-wing War on Voters escalated substantially today as the Secretary of State in the key swing state of Florida announced that 53,000 registered Democrats would soon be disenfranchised of their right to vote due to their physical handicaps: "...Florida election officials ... discovered and purged up to 53,000 dead voters from the voter rolls in Florida."

Condemnation of the action was swift and unanimous. Lawyers for the People's Party™, fearful that the decision will change the results of this fall's elections,
complained bitterly that "the loss of these votes is a blow to the interests of those who need help the most" while noting that the disenfranchised voters would be hurt also.

Advocates for the differently-abled believed the move was expression of the prejudice against Necro-Americans in the larger society, a prejudice which stems from belief that a person is somehow inadequate or incompetent because he or she is dead. "Explain to me what voting has to do with having a pulse or breathing!" demanded one Necro-American, speaking thru a psychic. "A few years ago, they were giving us mortgages and now we can't even vote? What's up with that?"

Some psychologists believe that problems brought on by the hard economic times have eluded solution, and this has driven the masses to seek irrational and conspiratorial explanations for their plights. Rather than blaming the person responsible - former president George W. Bush - they have sought scapegoats such as Barack Obama and the most vulnerable segments of society. "Let's face it", stated one psychologist, "there's no one more vulnerable than a person in a box under six feet of dirt."

Others have an even darker view. Leaders at the Southern Perished Law Center see this as the opening salvo of a long-term war against the voting rights of all oppressed peoples, even those who are still living. "They always beat up on the dead people first", said one bitter, long-time advocate who spoke off the record, "because they know the dead won't make much of a stink about it. Not if they're properly embalmed, anyway." "The only way to protect yourself in the long run," he continued, "is to give us money. Lots and lots of it."

Still, observers expect a backlash in the civil rights community. President Barack Obama, moved as always by the plight of underdog types like himself, is expected shortly to announce that his position on necro-marriage has evolved to the point where he now supports it in general terms, thus opening the door for new rights for Necro-Americans and hopefully donors for his campaign.

Likewise, Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren is preparing to admit that 30 years ago she checked off boxes on employment applications, indicating that some of her relatives were Necro-Americans, but she did this only to make friends in ghost-hunting groups and not to advance her career. She will also reveal a cookbook she published years ago containing recipies bequeathed to her by dead relatives, entitled "Fed Dead Head."

The national Party is also planning a pro-dead counter-offensive of its own. If anyone out there is acquainted with a Necro-American female who cannot afford her birth control pills and who would be willing to testify in front of a congressional hearing in favor of a law requiring cemetaries to provide free contraceptives, please call Nancy at 1-800-DEMOCRAT. Just tell the receptionist you want to help with the "War on Dead Women" campaign and he'll put you right through to her.

Wake Up! These 53,000 are NOT disabled. What IS disabled is a society that fails to accomodate them. At government expense, each of them must be provided with an "enabler" that will express their wishes at the polls this November if they are unable to arrange disinterment and transportation. Respect it!

I am shocked. This makes my "chad" dangle at the mere thought of it. Get me an airplane fulll of laywers...

Comrade Tovarichi, my chad has been dangling a lot lately too, especially since the reich wing teabagger attacks on poor dear Lizzy Warren.

But - fortunately, Dear Leader is ♪ Still the One - who can scratch my itch - still the one - and I'd never switch ♪

In short, Dear Leader makes my chad stand straight up!

Some old ideas in new packaging...

Those BASTARDS! Those dirty rotten Tea-rrorist BASTARDS!

Where the HELL is HOLDER and the Department of Social Justice on this???

Florida is a KEY STATE! How the HELL are we to Move FORWARD if we lose these electoral votes to those cheating, RethugliKKKan bastards?

They're "rising up" all over the country, fellow travelers!!

Speaking of the deceased, here's a fresh corpse who from now on will be voting Democrat for all eternity. And the circle of death continues...



IN OTHER NEWS:

Give the Dead a Living: The Dead Join Revolutionary Struggle

The International Coalition of Dead Voters has always supported progressive causes, being the most dedicated constituency of the Democratic Party. Invariably voting for the political Left, they are playing an increasingly affluent role in the American democratic process. It is important that this election year all dead people of good will, again, take advantage of early voting and cast their ballots for Barack Hussein Obama.
________________________

We've written so much on this in the past that it is probably time to create another classic NY Times front page spoof.

Here is an example of our collective effort from 2006 - in which, curiously enough, Barack Obama is also mentioned.

Dems Focus On Dead Voter Turnout, Rally Graveyards

How dare the living deny the dead their voice. What are they? Fetuses????

We must redistribute life!

NYC teachers support Obama!

In fact, let's get some headlines and blurbs for the new issue.

Obama visits cemeteries in swing states, guarantees better consistency if re-elected
President empathizes with Dead-American issues, promises more government jobs and affordable deathcare. Pledges to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Florida and elsewhere.

Pelosi prefers dead people: "the living ones are less predictable"
"I don't mind people being alive, but they always get in my way. That's how life is, so I don't blame the live ones and try to treat them equally as I would treat the dead, but I still like the dead ones better."

Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
"It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics."

Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students

"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Hannibal Lecter brings heads of disenfranchised voters to polling place

In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress.

Laika the Space Dog voting Democrat from outer space since 1957

I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.

Jerry Garcia to Organize Rock the Dead Vote:

Screw Bruce Springsteen. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George, Michael, Donna, an Robin coming to a Democratic Party controlled city graveyard near you.

Ya had me at xtra beet ration.


As you wish - Great Peoples Director.
I am so ashamed, I thought the masses had already received all their vision care rights due them under Obamacare.
I totally forgot just how fortunate my bribe I was in the eye glass lottery. I hear they will be drawing 4 more numbers next year! A quik Jiffy Lobo tune-up will correct my shallowness toward my fellow he, she, its. Now, if someone could just point me in the right direction.

Gulag 4 Alfred - Excellent documentary footage - but could you please make it bigger and the words not in red? They are illegible to the masses!

Gulag, that is the same cart the Democrats tried to pick me up in!!!
What a close call!

Arrangement have been made for this population in many larger cities. Their names are followed by the letters VAR*. Voting Assistant Required.

This process is similar to the "Vulcan Mind Meld", but there is no physical contact, only an emotional one, to determine voting preferences.

Oh my! I admire his (and your) taste in movies theatrical performances!

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Oh my! I admire his (and your) taste in movies theatrical performances!

Thank you R.O.C.K.!
But, unfortunately, dear TPC became a little 'frisky' on the walk back to the hostel and I had to kick his ass! (Tweet me TPC... if your arm permits!)

---

Oh dear.

Man's got to know his limitations!

BTW, Comrade Putout - you do look sexy sideways!

COMRADES! I am ashamed and disappointed in you. The word "dead", as well as "disabled" and "handicapped", is a politikally inkorrekt term that Rethuglikkkans use to demean, suppress, and humiliate those who are more properly referred to as "metabolically challenged". Korrekt your speech immediately or the Party will benevolently korrekt it for you.

ThePeoplesComrade regrets that after the Florida outing with Comrade Putout, he is so exhausted he can't respond and still achieve his beet harvesting quota.

The term "dead" is simply more racist codespeak, like "socialist," "foodstamp," or "tapioca." See, the inherit racism of the Republican oozes out of their phrasing--all you have to know is how to deconstruct it to its primordial ooze state. Let's just foolow the logic here, shall we?

Item: All Republicans are racists, a well established and documented fact that cannot be disputed.

Item: All racists dream of lynching African Americans. Night and day, that is all they think of.

Item: A person who has been lynched is dead.

THEREFOR: When a Republican refers to "the dead," the Republican is subconciously giving voice to his/her desire to lynch all African Americans, and in the process, strip them of their voting rights.

THUS the Party has adopted the NewSpeak term "Necro-Americans" to avoid the implicit racist overtones of the word "Dead" (which just for safety's sake, should from this point forward be spoken of only as "the D-Word," so as to imbue it with the same sacred and mystic power as "the N-Word.")

I am highly suspect of the comrade who is not a necro, not really living, but whose brains reside in a jar of Stoli... to our comrade zombie-Americans, this is a light snack, no?

Tovarichi wrote:I am highly suspect of the comrade who is not a necro, not really living, but whose brains reside in a jar of Stoli... to our comrade zombie-Americans, this is a light snack, no?

Why does Comrade Betinov have the name "Abby Normal" written on his jar?

Tovarichi--whose Party name suspiciously contains the word "rich"--you should be careful about making jokes at the expense of the Party Academician, namely me.

I am the pure and undiluted intellectual force of Totalitarian Collectivism. I have forsaken the pleasures of the flesh to devote myself solely to the advancement of World Socialism and the creation of the One-World Utopia. I am thus due your respect and dare I say deference on matters involving the intellectual underpinnings of the World Struggle.

Zombie Americans do not worry me, as my powers of regeneration were amply demonstrated at Last Year's Lenin-Fest and Wretched Excess, when Fraulein Pulloskies mistook me for a bowl of pickled cauliflower and consumed nearly a quarter of one of my frontal lobes during Blokhayev's four-hour recitation of "Ode to the Greatness of Dear Leader." Within three weeks I had completely regenerated the lost tissue (the secret is getting Theo to dump a few bins from out back the JiffiLobo into the Brain Jar before the contents start to go off).

Finally, you should not mock me because Pinkie still owes me a favor for not ever talking about what really happened on that bus trip to the stadium in Caracas to cheer for Uncle Hugo's May Day Speech in 2007.

And Capt. Commie (if you maintain Party discipline and follow the rules, one day you will be given a full rank instead of just an abbreviation), the answer to your Abby Normal question is obvious. I was Putin on the Ritz.

Comrade Ivan, I keep olives soaking in gin (lightly misted with vermouth) for relaxation and enjoyment, but you sir, are far more creative. Putin on a ritz is a classic, and drew much unwanted attention to my outburst of laughing here at my government job...well done!