6/22/2012, 11:07 am
Our FLOTUS and Dear Leaderette, Grand Dame Michelle Obama, has pointed the way to our salvation in a recent email. Please read carefully:
The winters there can be pretty harsh, but no matter how snowy or icy it got, Barack would head out into the cold — shovel in hand — to dig my car out before I went to work.
In all our years of marriage, he's always looked out for me. Now, I see that same commitment every day to you and to this country.
The only way we'll win this election is if we can rely on one another like that, all the way to November 6th. Barack is working hard, but he can't do this alone — he needs your help.
Make a donation today to build this campaign — when you do, you'll be automatically entered to join Barack and me for a casual dinner...
If you read between the lines, Dear Leaderette is suggesting the solution to our mess: we must all marry Barack Obama!
If we all marry Barack Obama, it will ensure we will have him in our lives permanently to shovel our snow, run our finances and look out for us. We would no longer have to worry about primaries, campaigns, elections or any related useless rigamarole, for Barack Obama would simply become our husband and father! Chris Matthews would no longer have to stimulate his leg manually! Tom Friedman would no longer need to sit in his mansion and enviously eye those who live under the ruthless Chinese single-payer healthcare system. And Maureen Dowd... well, let's not go there.
In any event, the nation would immediately receive the benefits of hope and change that accompany absolute totalitarian power right here, right now without having to bother with legalistic technicalities like the 22nd Amendment or the Koch Brothers' bought-and-paid-for Supreme Court. The country can simply circumvent the impediments to happiness imposed by the obsolete hunnert year old constitution and embrace Barack as our Dear Leader forever by having everyone marry him!* A splendid time is guaranteed for all.
Indeed, Barack has subtly paved the way for this by his recent endorsement of gay marriage over the objections of the GOP, which was too busy waging a war on womyn to realize the implications. This will enable males as well as females to take Barack as their husband. The Party is sure there will be no objections by males to taking another male as their husband for WE are the party of tolerance and compassion, and after all, it is for the common good!
The Party understands that many are already married and cannot currently marry Barack legally. A solution has been devised for this problem: those affected will simply become Mormons, a religion which accepts polygamy. The reich-wing is always carrying on about the "freedom of religion" constitutional mumbo-jumbo, so they cannot possibly complain about everyone exercising that freedom, converting to Mormonism and marrying Barack Obama. Romney will have been hoisted on his own religious petard.
The most wildly successful movements in history - contempory North Korea, Stalin's USSR and Jonestown, for example - prospered by taking their Dear Leaders symbolically as their husband and father. We will go one step further and become even more wildly successful by making our acceptance legal! And with Barack as our dad, running up credit card bills is no problem - think of the national wedding reception we can have! Be forewarned - we hear that Mrs. Obama can be a bit of a party animal at times.
There is no time to lose - the climate change denial machine has been busily illegally registering Tea Party thugs in all 57 states in an attempt to steal the election this November. What makes this conspiracy even more insidious is that these people all have credentials and ID (many even have jobs!) and are thus that much harder to ferret out. WE can foil their evil racist plan and allow the Party to use the money already raised for the election for vacations the common good if we all simply marry Barack Obama. Let us all go forth and Choose Barack Obama As Our National Husband Now! Remember, summer is an excellent time for weddings!
*Oh, and divorces would still be allowed but punishable by death... did we mention that? Ooops.
All politics aside, this is just about the tackiest thing I have seen in a long time. It reminds me of the radio evangelist on an episode of WKRP who was selling "John the Baptist Shower Curtains" and the "Twelve Apostle Steak-knife Set." The Obamas are supposed to be the new definition of class? They're acting like trailer trash that got famous and are trying to capitalize on their fleeting fame by raffling off "I got raped by a sasquatch" t-shirts.