11/20/2006, 10:45 pm
Bring a bit of progressive cheer to your ditch this Thanksgiving
Ahh, it's almost Thanksgiving and nothing sends goose bumps down my spine more than the thought of Puritans, Colonialism, and Meat – not to mention those yet to be denounced family members who will demand me to feed them.Yes, it's that time of the year again, when we all gather around the table to feast like decadent barbarian harlots on the sacrificial flesh of an innocent Turkey. But I urge you comrades not to rush to judgment on this most heinous of Holiday's, for I Meowsevich S. Punchenko, in all my wisdom and creativity, will help you bring the progressive spirit to this tainted celebration of the slaughter of indigenous peoples. We are after all progressive Democrats; let's celebrate this year in a Party-approved fashion.
Ditch Décor
When decorating your ditch this Thankgiving – be sure to line the entrance of your dwelling with the freshest of soiled diapers. This will not only provide adequate nourishment for the many insects who starve and freeze this time of year—but it will also signal that you are celebrating the holiday as a progressive.Progressive Flare Tip:
Use a line of multi-colored Holiday lights to string up your soiled diapers, the heat alone from the burning bulbs will help accentuate the already pungent smell of poo which will deter any well-wishers from next door.No ditch is complete without the various campaign signs from yester year. So feel free to litter your yard (and neighbor's yard) with old McGovern or Dukakis signs, and while you're at it—be sure to also scatter plastic baby dolls around your dwelling to inform your troubled family that you are a pro-choice activist and will not tolerate their kids eating your food or breathing your air.
Progressive Flare Tip:
Always be sure that your piles of scattered plastic baby dolls have shaved heads and are missing at least one eye. This special effect sends a message of solidarity with other pro-choice activist within your community.Cooking the Tofu Veggie Turkey
You know friends, using any means of fire or heat contributes heavily to the catastrophic calamity that is Global Warming, so this year remember the slogan, "If its cold its gold, if it's cooked you're booked." That's right friends, this year the ACLU and PETA will be going door to door to inspect your Tofu Veggie Turkey to be certain that you have followed the many important guidelines outlining proper Tofu Veggie Turkey etiquette. Failure to comply with the guidelines will contribute greatly to Global Warming and ultimately your own demise—not to mention the end of Mother Earth as we know it.Progressive Flare Tip:
Always, and I mean always, set your Tofu Veggie Turkey in a pan of rubbing alcohol. This will kill what germs may be lingering and save the State millions of dollars in health-care cost. Would you really allow yourself to get sick when there is millions of illegal migrants dependant of free health-care coverage? I think not.Setting the Table
I know as a progressive it's always hard to find a table-cloth that doesn't reek in bourgeoisie extravagance, so this year I personally decided to use old issues of The New York Times. Yes friends, The New York Times doesn't only make for good reading while sweating on the toilet like the filthy Amerikan's that we are. No, it also makes for good reading while stuffing your face full of an uncooked Tofu Veggie Turkey! That's right; sew together those old issues of The New York Times to impress your guest with your progressive elitism—not to mention your sense of style.Progressive Flare Tip:
The New York Times makes for good conversation during supper. I know I enjoy reading the countless tales of Maureen Dowd and the latest lambaste of the Bushler Administration will give you hours of politically-correct fun and entertainment! How else will you drive your warmongering Aunt Florence mad without the incoherent ramblings of Frank Rich?Because silverware is wrong, immoral and a sign of western civilization, it is more acceptable for you and your guest to just use your hands when eating. Who are we to judge when our primate ancestors millions of years ago used their own hands? That's right; you can't judge them because you too believe evolution as the only solution for our existence. So be free and let it all hang out when you take your sweaty unwashed hand and grab a helping of potato surprise!
Progressive Flare Tip:
DO NOT WASH YOUR HANDS! Just imagine all the precious water that would be wasted if you were to do so, think about the environment, think! Shame on you to contemplate for a second that it would be acceptable to wash your hands, shame! Besides, we are primates and they didn't wash their hands, did they? No, they didn't! So just keep your damn hands where the sun don't shine and keep it out of water!Welcoming Your Guest, Family and Elitist Friends
In my dwelling, it is always customary to greet the spouse, life-partner or appliance of another with a long passionate kiss. Yes, it may seem foreign to you, but that is why I am coercing you to follow my example—because it's foreign and we know that is always good.Progressive Flare Tip:
Hellos are important—but so aren't goodbyes. When sending your guest off with the proper cheer, be sure to send them off well with a much needed post-dinner orgy. Yes, sometimes a progressive has to be a more than a gracious host(tess) by sharing everything with his/her guest—which includes but is not limited to—our own bodies. So be a proper progressive well-wisher and give yourself to the collective carnal delicacies that we so highly advocate. We are primates aren't we? You know that answer by now.Dealing With Your Guest, Family and Elitist Friends
I know from time to time we get the occasional party pooper who doesn't want to conform to our narrow view of ideological excellence. This is not unexpected phenomena and I am more than happy to help you with disarming these warmongering seekers of profit.When confronting these bigots, always do so in a stern condescending voice backed with progressive truth, "Oh yeah, well the Bush economy is killing countless numbers of workers, children and kittens—haven't you read that yet on your side of the table-cloth? You cannot hide the truth!" Already your thought-criminal guest is peeing in his/her pants after you slammed him/her with that bit of truth. Just imagine what would happen if you told him/her we were fighting a war against the peaceful practitioners of Islamofascism!? They would be devastated, devastated I tell you!
Progressive Flare Tip:
Sometimes we are confronted with warmongers that are unmoved by our progressive truth, these murdering genocidal maniacs have to be confronted with more extreme measures. So I use poop, yes, my own in fact that I keep securely in a bowl under my chair. Whenever one of these liars declare, "The economy is booming" or "We are fighting a war against people who want to kill us", I just carefully reach into my hidden bowl, grab a big clump of my own excrement, and fling it across the table to watch it smear all over his/her face!The look is priceless as they drop to the floor stunned and in a state of total humiliation. It is also recommended when they make their way to the door in absolute disgust that you shout, "Don't let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out you murderous Zionist loving warmonger! Oh, and by the way, Merry Christmas you knuckle-dragging redneck peon!"
At that point the door will slam shut as your guest or relative marches toward his/her mini-van with their stupid puke kids. It is also well advised to include your elitist friends in the poo-flinging, they too can help put an end to diverse opinions around the dinner table.
I hope this issue of Ditch Living & Collective Gardening was helpful to you comrades and I wish you a progressive Thanksgiving Day Celebration of State-Sanctioned Healing and Remembrance for the War Crimes Commited Against Indigenous Peoples!
Cheers, *Clink*
Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko
