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CNN hires psychic to find reasons for low ratings

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Since the debacle of the lowest ratings in the OSCAR's history, CNN's management were reminded to examine their own ratings, which currently parallel those of the Laverne & Shirley reruns on channel 286.

If you have trouble recognizing the name, CNN is a formerly popular cable news channel that specializes in daily groundbreaking news about Russian hookers, American porn stars, and conspiracy theories about Russian spies in the White House and at Trump Tower, bitterly improvised by their cast of sociopathic DNC operatives.

As of today, CNN's stories come from Hillary Clinton's former campaign workers hired by former Obama campaign workers who comprise CNN's management. These stories are designed to keep CNN's audiences in permanent suspense and hoping to see evidence of some evidence, which is just around the corner - tomorrow, or by next Tuesday the latest, as promised by Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) - including but not limited to photos of a naked U.S. President and hookers with full bladders sitting on an effigy of Barack Obama (D-Kenya).

Recent finding, however, indicate that no one believes these stories any longer except for Adam Schiff and The View. Even the comatose, the crack or pot-addled, the Old Left, the New Left ,and the Leftover Left viewers are tuning out.

It doesn't help that prior to these broadcasts CNN's main focus was a disappeared Malaysian airliner hijacked by UFOs, as well as a genuine birth certificate printed by a Hawaiian computer in an age when no computers existed, proving that someone was born somewhere, sometime, some place.

CNN's unnamed source James Comey (D-FBI) told us on condition of anonymity that CNN's middle level staff have recently held a secret meeting at an undisclosed location with Adam Schiff (D-CA), John Brennan (D-CIA), and Director of National Intelligence James Clapper (D-NIA). Also present were Wolf Blitzer (D-CNN), Chris Cuomo (D-Brother of New York's Governor), Leon Panetta (D-CIA), and other Clinton and Obama staff, including John McCain (D-GOP), Jeff Flake (D-GOP), and Jeb Bush (D-GOP).

The meeting addressed a number of issues and possible solutions.

The participants discussed dangerous leaks from their organization, including the one where CNN forbade Adam Schiff from blinking because "blinking gives away that you're lying," and paid for a surgery that brought about his iconic wrinkle-free face with amputated eyelids.

Another leak revealed that former DNC staffers turned CNN pollsters continued with their habit of polling deceased voters, which resulted in them predicting a 95% chance of a Hillary landslide. Some bigmouth also blabbed that CNN hadn't paid its staff in weeks, and that someone stole an irreplaceable stack of Karl Marx-branded Tarot cards from CNN newsroom.

Among other issues was the fact that most Americans don't care for the opinions of college snowflakes, pop singers, and pouting starlets who wobble on their heels because their eyelid mascara weighs forty pounds. Another disappointing revelation was that blinding lip gloss can't make up for harebrained views on national security, the national interest, the intelligence services, drone warfare, foreign policy, military appropriations, international relations, trade negotiations, Donald Trump's hair, and how Melania wears high heels during hurricanes for the sole purpose of oppressing the poor.

Considering that CNN contributors have already reached the end of their wits and creative potential, it was decided that CNN's only chance to stay in business was to fire its current writers and replace them with one unnamed female psychic on 73% of a male psychic's salary.

The psychic, who is said to possess ultra-high intelligence, will be expected to hold séances at board meetings, develop new fascinating narratives, telepathically observe and report on the chaos inside President Trump's head, his family, and in the White House in general, to read minds and extract compelling mental quotes from the unwitting members of the Trump cabinet and unnamed staffers, to summon the spirits of great progressive leaders for morale-boosting pep talks and consultations, and to bring coffee to her male colleagues in the news room.


 
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