Naval Station Norfolk, VA -- The United States Navy has contracted experts to determine the preferred genders of all its nautical vessels.

For millenia, mariners have assumed ships and boats were female and referred to them as "she/her." As the world becomes more aware that people are actually whatever gender they happen to be thinking of at the moment, a nearly universal outcry erupted that we are assuming the genders of all sorts of objects.

Despite initial objections from some high-ranking Trump era holdovers, the Navy has decided that now is the time to come into 21st century thinking by figuring out what gender each ship actually would prefer to be. This is a new field, but experts from top US universities soon stepped up and were promptly hired.

"Aside from the fact that it is naturally just sexist and homophobic, it is also illogical." says Dr. Indigo Yehuda, a gender studies expert from Brown University who is working on this effort. "We've been assuming since, like, forever that all ships are female, right? But think about it - all ships can't be female, because then where would the little baby ships come from, like that rowboat over there? Duh."

It is expected to take between 2-5 years and cost approximately $123M to fully understand the preferred genders of every vessel in the US Naval fleet. But the US Navy is committed and knows that someday, in the words of one Admiral who preferred to remain unidentified, "when you talk about one of our ships, you'll feel confident you won't offend it or anyone else around by referring to it by the wrong pronoun."

No doubt a non-profit group of lawyers for ship's rights will represent the ships and speak on their behalf. All they need are government grants to pay for their billable hours.

All concerned citizens should send their donations to Ships Have Rights Too.

Panem Et Circenses wrote:...the Navy has decided that now is the time to come into 21st century thinking by figuring out what gender each ship actually would prefer to be.

Was this the initiativer of the same one Admiral who preferred to remain unidentified?

Aye, matey, the USNS Harvey MIlk comes to mind; Xi was a great man and xe's a fine ship. NOT AT ALL NAMED FOR SAN FRANCISCO STYLED LGBT POLITICAL REASONS, no sir...or ma'am, or.......... whatever.

The Village People foresaw this decades ago.



(Tip of the fedora to the good COL, my first 'properly' embedded video.)

I've heard the Germans are going to change all their nouns to be gender-neutral: "Das."

And here all along I thought "Comrade" worked quite nicely.

Das Boot was already there.

...or 'comrade boot' works, too.

Woke Milley's Military: Navy Launches Ship Named after Gay Rights Leader

Rumor is that this new ship will only provide powdered soap to the crew for bathing. I don't fully understand, but I hear it has something about it being more difficult to pick up in the shower...

We didn't have showers in the People's Army when I was conscripted. Back when it was tough.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:Rumor is that this new ship will only provide powdered soap to the crew for bathing. I don't fully understand, but I hear it has something about it being more difficult to pick up in the shower...

My bet is that it will be powdered soap on a rope.