8/31/2005, 1:38 am
In what may well become known as the world's most romantic marriage proposal, Osama Bin Laden, president of the al Qaeda network, stumbled in the midst of his latest fatwa against Western infidels, then produced a small box from the folds of his robe. He fell to one knee and, looking straight into the camera, uttered in perfect English, "I love you Cindy Sheehan. Will you marry me, baby doll?"
He then opened the box containing a gorgeous four carat spherical-cut diamond ring in a platinum setting, still on the finger of its previous owner.
Said al-Hottub, expert on marriage proposals: "You will not find such a creative proposal anywhere else - trust me, I've looked for them on every Islamic website and in every book of the Hadith. All those marriage proposals have been rather ordinary in comparison to what just unfolded on Al Jazeera between Bin and Cindy. Osama must have read my book, The Jihadist Guide to Popping the Question.
Trust me, these parts of the world are known for the very worst marriage proposals ever. There was a guy who used a beheaded corpse to propose. Also the idiot who used a very foul smelling piece of goat stomach, and the guy who handed his bride a remote control to his suicide belt laced with nails and human feces.
I heard about the proposal that got someone blown up by a rocket-propelled grenade and one that resulted in a public stoning. Read my book and these awful engagement stories will leave you laughing hysterically and will keep you from making the same horrendous mistakes ever again."
This young man proposed in the absolutely most un-romantic place imaginable.
"I missed you when you went away to tend after your mother," the hardened warrior gushed, pausing only to wipe a tear from his eye. "And when you came back I knew I could no longer live without having you always around, saying "Bush this" and "Bush that" - which is like pouring honey in my ears. That's when I told my other wives: make room for Cindy, she's coming to Baluhistan!"
It just so happens that, as usual, everybody was glued to the al-Jazeera broadcast at Camp Casey at the time. Cindy burst into tears and held her face in her hands as well-wishers spontaneously hugged her and expressed their ululated blessings. It has been reported that the organizer of Code Pink, the legendary Medea Benjamin, ran out of the room in tears and wept for hours.
Excited reporters in Crawford rushed to their satellite videophones to spread the breaking news, as Cindy received congratulations from Martin Sheen, Al Sharpton, Joan Baez, and many other celebrities whom she has befriended during her brief stay in Crawford. Barbara Streisand emailed Cindy a recording of her favorite fatwas, dedicated to the two love birds.
Enthralled Democrat pundits consider these developments crucial to a lasting Mideast peace. Sen. John Kerry declared, "should Osama and Cindy marry, a new era of understanding will undoubtedly reign. George Bush should meet with Cindy and Osama, and officiate the ceremony -- or at least give away the bride."
When contacted by Al-Jazeera, Osama stated, "I think she would make a good wife. As for an end to hostilities, I would guarantee a 10% reduction in bombings, with incentives if Cindy puts out." Additionally, Osama demanded a dowry of "two middle-sized American cities and access to a major port."
Cindy has been seen padding around camp Casey in a hijab with a big smile on her face. "Who wouldn't be excited," she declared. "It's not every day you get propositioned by a tall, dark and handsome man with millions of dollars and a mature world-view." When asked about marriage plans, she demurred, "we don't want too much publicity. The helicopters would ruin the ceremony."
