11/15/2005, 1:06 pm
We can withstand your guns and tanks, but please, kill us all before you inflict more sensitivity training!
After recruiting women for a suicide mission, you must have your "diversity recognition application" updated
Affirmative-action violators wait for hours to file "special exception" and "mitigating circumstances" forms
Vagina monologues: a dress rehearsal by "Diverse Baluhistan" theatrical troupe
Insurgency leaders wait for instruction at the new union-built diversity training compound in Falujah
"The Americans let us go because we are inclusive of gays - and also of transgendered Bashira here on my right."
"So it's true that you used hurtful language while raping that Italian journalist?"Inspired by this success, the US Senate voted 90 to 9 in support of Sen. McCain's bill to ban inhumane treatment of captured terrorists. Echoing that decision, Pentagon officials also released a new directive on Defense Department intelligence interrogations, mandating that all questioning of detainees in U.S. military custody include "humane" treatment and that interrogators can no longer "inflict suffering, harm, pain, or any kind of inconvenience on enemy combatants."
The directive ostensibly reduces the military's tactics to what the ACLU has called "progressive engagement similar to what one would expect as a disinterested actor." Although this directive is incoherent, a majority of lawyers believe that it means, "enemies must be treated as though they are United States civilians."
Despite grim predictions by Republican politicians and conservative pundits, the new progressive tactics have turned more effective in defeating the enemy than conventional combat had ever been. To wit, most radical Islamic groups in Iraq and Afghanistan have surrendered to the United States after being compelled to live under U.S.-mandated "progressive" laws.
Jihadis in sensitivity training must read excerpts from Maureen Dowd and Bob Herbert
Free to fight: A progressive military contingent has female representation
Hakim obtained a lucrative truck bomb-building contract by claiming that his son Abdul (left) was a Puerto Rican.In fact, Diversity requirements have been among the most effective weapons wielded by the Americans. An army officer pointed out, "The enemy needs to understand that they must meet our goals and timetables.
That is, if you're a terrorist and you shoot at us, we're gonna speak with you. And if your terrorist group doesn't meet our minority-and-women representation requirements, you're gonna be filling out forms for the rest of your days.
"We also check for other signs of discrimination. Were the correct percentage of your weapons built by approved minority vendors? Were your explosive belts manufactured by non-union labor? Were you using hurtful language while you were tossing grenades at us? Is everyone in your death squad being treated equally? These things matter more to us than whether you kill our troops."
"You see, individuals are replaceable, but our progressive philosophy is sacrosanct. And if you attack our philosophy, you're going to be explaining yourself in remedial education sessions and you're going to be doing a lot...and I mean a lot...of writing!"
The war is not over, though, as Osama bin Laden is still in hiding. In a taped message, he said, "I will surrender if the United States promises to overlook my family's lack of compliance with WBE and MBE requirements in their construction business."
However, military experts believe that is an irrelevant point. Said one, "We don't care about his family. But he has led an organization that is guilty of de facto religious discrimination. If you're going to butcher Americans, you had better do it with a diverse group of murderers. Al Qaeda is comprised only of Muslims, and that's wrong. We're going to find Mr. Bin Laden, and he will definitely learn what it means to meet diversity goals."