4/24/2010, 7:42 pm
The news that Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were using government computers to watch porn sites on the job while the country was sinking into a financial crisis, has caused the national media to stop the ongoing campaign of bashing the bishops and punishing the Pope, and focus on exposing the SEC - an organ largely responsible for enforcing the President's policies of spanking the suspects of banking violations.
The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media. "A dirty mind might call these images sexually suggestive," she spoke into the microphone. "But our staffers merely observed best practices while getting hand-on experience in managing the growing crisis, as well as researching new angles in our handling of the finance industry and stimulating the economy."
Rusty Palms from Human Resources agreed to squeeze an interview into his busy schedule, between faxing Jimmy Dean and meeting with Mr. Thumb and his four partners. He was happy to get a load off his mind: "We're going blind at our computer monitors trying to give the economy a helping hand," he said. "I think the reporters should stop blowing their horns at the SEC and go back to belaboring the obvious. Now if you excuse me I must give someone the John Hancock."
The SEC manager in charge of Kleenex deliveries, Bobby Longfellow, spoke to us in the loading dock while adjusting the antenna on one of his trucks. "All this media ruckus is like going five against one. But working for the government, you get used to it," he said. "At least our work keeps the tissue industry in business."
"I've never been so busy in my life," agreed the SEC garage supervisor Jack McNasty. All I do is change oil, grease the axle, check the hand breaks, wax the car, and fix the pipes. In the end of the day there's no juice in me left even for batting practice with my best friend Shorty."
"Making sense of the economic crisis is like getting your palm read by Mister Softee. We the government employees must simply take matters into our own hands and give the economy a good once over," he added and called down for more mayo to the cafeteria workers who were in the kitchen peeling the carrots, frosting the pastries, stirring the yogurt, unwrapping the pepperoni, and tossing the salad for the upcoming staff meeting.
On Capitol Hill, the Senate is using SEC recommendations to work up a lather on erecting regulatory oversight of the financial industry with the goal of preventing another withering Wall Street climax, like the one in 2008 that gave rise to the U.S. recession. The bill includes a $50 billion repudiation fund created with money from banks and other finance industry corporations to ensure an orderly cover-up of failing and shrinking entities.
"This is far too important to be left hanging," warned Congressional Staffer Johnson Pullins. "We're going to have to act in a bipartisan fashion, reach around, left or right, if we want a happy ending to this sticky issue."
Additional reporting by General Secretary, Snoogie Woogums, Ivan Betinov, and Commissarka Pinkie
... who really know how to turn heads. . --GAIA Minister Neytiri
