Anal Jihad is in the focus of reluctant public attention again, three years after a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official with a pound of explosives stuck up a jihadist's rectum. Back then we made a parody of an Al-Qaeda training video titled, Get Lucky With A Bomb Up Your Butt. Among other useful butt-bombing tips, the video encouraged Jihadists to find a butt buddy in order to widen their bomb-storage facility and make them accustomed to the pleasure of martyrdom. Unfortunately, life has the nasty habit of imitating our parodies.

Raymond Ibrahim reports about a new fatwa that explicitly legitimizes sodomy and even makes it obligatory if it helps to wage Jihad on the unbelievers. An Arabic news video is making the rounds on the Internet, in which an Islamic scholar earnestly, almost word-for-word, restates the People's Cube points, informing jihadists of an "innovative and unprecedented way to execute martyrdom operations: place explosive capsules in your anus. However, to undertake this jihadi approach you must agree to be sodomized for a while to widen your anus so it can hold the explosives."

See for yourselves. (WARNING: ADULT CONTENT)

FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Are you a sexually frustrated young man? Then you've come to the right place. Hi, I am Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's backdoor man. You may remember me from such instructional videos as "Five Terrific Reasons to Blow Yourself Up" and "Al Qaeda Martyrs' Excellent Retirement Plan." But today I want to talk to you about creating butt bombs.

Did you know that the word "ASS-ASS-IN" comes from the Middle East? What social loser wouldn't like to take one in the ass for Allah? Become a butt-bomber in five easy steps with this butt-stuffing video. Have your butt buddy "get you off" with a text message while you have your final orgasmic experience of a lifetime. 'Ass-ass-ination' will never feel the same again.

Al Qaeda: We shove bombs up our butts!

Step 1: Explosives.

If you have been watching my series you know how to make explosives. But because this one will go up your butt you must mix it with polymers to stiffen it up for ease of insertion, and mold it into the only shape that Allah provided to get the job done.

Make it smooth, textured, or lovingly bumpy, but make sure it is a perfect fit for you. Before you decide on the width and length, insert a vegetable, like carrot or cucumber up your bung and walk with it. Don't be afraid to play Goldilocks and try different sizes. Something too long may create the tent-pole phenomenon in the back of your pants.

When you make calculations, don't confuse the circumference with the diameter. We don't want you to become jaded and go on a mission with a defeatist attitude or with impossibly high expectations.

Step 2: Lubricants.

KY Jelly or rendered rancid sheep fat? Hmmmm... You may find that KY dries rather rapidly. Of course use rendered rancid sheep fat! That way there will be no unfamiliar smell to give you away. It will also throw off the sniffing dogs. It is safe unless the airports start fluoroscoping all travelers with Preparation H.

I knew a butt-bomber, a very sweet young man, who went for spicy cinnamon oil to avoid the bomb detectors. But they spotted him because of the squirming. The bomb was withdrawn prematurely.

Some believe that petroleum-based lubricants offer the best secondary explosion, but that is an old wife's tale. Even water-based brands contain ingredients to enhance the incendiary effect, with or without the warming sensation. Glycerin can be found in KY Jelly, Sylk, Astroglide, Probe, and Aqualube. But be careful because the sugar can encourage yeast growth. Stop using any product that causes skin irritation.

Step 3: Preparation (stop worrying and learn to love the bomb)

Find yourself a butt buddy. For starters let him send a gerbil up your bung through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll. It will widen your bomb-storage facility and make you accustomed to the pleasure and accept it as desirable.

Then take turns practicing with Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket. It always hits my sweet spot. But of course modern technology has created masterpieces that rotate, vibrate, thrust, jiggle, wiggle, squirt, and simply bring out a wilder side to anyone who uses them. Be creative. Some use al-Qaeda anal beads, but they're not for everybody.

When you get good at it, proceed with Allah Fisting! Show your dedication to Allah by opening up to Him! But tell your butt buddy to remove his ring.

Make it closer to field conditions by inserting a telephone set on vibrate. You'll find it fun once you get past the buttons. Or is it the other way around? It's undetectable and hands free. You can even learn to send and receive secret messages. How do you think I have avoided the CIA for so long?

The possibilities are endless! Do you see my AK 47 rifle behind my back? No? I didn't think so. It fits completely, but it takes time to pull it out. In my other videos I have bookshelves in the background. I could pull them out too. Maybe for the next video. I like to keep my Koran and Hadith handy, so to speak.

Step 4: The big O.

A wise man said, go West, young man, and blow up with the country! By all means! Stick the bomb up your butt and go! The thought of a butt bomb can be scary to some. But you will find yourself having a fun time if you follow my advice.

Think of it as a blind date. Don't be late. Check your calendar. Remember that the Ramadan Fast provides us with extra bomb storage. Cancel all appointments and keep the phone lines clear. Pray to Allah that no one will text you a random joke and your Mom doesn't call you to ask about the condition of your butt itch.

Play it safe by going off in a public place. Wear clothes that give you confidence. Carrying penis-shaped explosives in your butt can be stressful enough, so you better feel like you're at the top of your game. Choose a location that is free of mushy memories. And you don't want a spot where you might run into an old friend from school or a relative. This can make things awkward, especially if you start exchanging phone numbers. They may try to test it and send you a text message. That could be embarrassing.

Step 5: Paradise.

This is the part where you stop worrying. Your training has prepared you for an eternity of pleasures. Meet the 72 houris. Allah willing you won't be fit for any other recreational activity. There may not be any lubricants, but there sure will be plenty of sand. With your extra-wide rectum you'll be one happy martyr. Others will not be so lucky. And that is the whole point of becoming a butt bomber.

Good luck! And please support our sponsors:


DISCLAIMER:
Richard Gere took no part in making this video. Special thanks to Barbra Streisand for the fabulous music. (Music score: "How lucky can you get" by Barbra Streisand followed by an explosion).

"Law enforcement officials have to be lucky every time. Terrorists only need to be lucky once."

If it's for jihad, count me in! I know I won't be the anally, I mean, only one.

Open wiiiide and say "ah" for jihad!

Red Square wrote: ...three years after a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official with a pound of explosives stuck up a jihadist's rectum.

uuuuuuh huhuhuhhuhuhuhuhuh ... he said..huhuhuhuhuhh... "POUND" and "RECTUM"...huhuhuhuuhuh uhhuhhhuhuhuhhuh uhuhuhu....

YEAH! YEAH! Heh heh heh heh THE GREEEAT CORN-HOLEEO! deemands you to POUND thee Reek-toom! heh heh heh heh heh

Death to the West. Death to Capitalists. Death to, well, just about everyone.

HOW RAGE BOY FINDS HIS TRUE CALLING, EXPLAINS WHY ABDUL, THE FAMILY GOAT, IS IN HIS BASEMENT BEDROOM IN QUEENS, AND WHY HE'S GOT HIS FIST UP HIS OWN ASS WHEN HIS MOM WALKS IN ON HIM WHILE BRINGING HIM HIS CLEAN LAUNDRY...

"AN ASS BOMB! BRILLIANT! I KNEW MY FIST WOULD FIND ITS TRUE PURPOSE ONE DAY! I'M IN! OOOH! I'M ALL IN! I'M SO FAR IN, I CAN FEEL PARADISE ALREADY! NOW WHO YOU GONNA CALL FLAT, YOU JIHADIST HATING, ZIONIST MOUTHPIECES! HUH? HUH! I'M GONNA BE FLAT! I'M GONNA GET ME MY 72 VIRGIIINS! AND I'M GONNA BE FLAT ON MY BACK WITH ALL OF 'EM, INFIDEL SUCKA'S! I'M GONNA MAKE MY MAMA SO PROUD AND HEZBOLLAH'S GONNA PAY HER 25G'S! WHO'S LAUGHIN' NOW SUCKAS! I'M GONNA GO MILK ABDUL AND MAKE ME SOME GOAT'S BUTTER AND LET IT GO RANCID FOR A WEEK! THEN I'M GONNA PUT MY FIST TO GOOD USE! I'M GONNA SLATHER IT DOWN AND THEN I'M GONNA RAM IT SO FAR UP MY...

(Whispering and dancing around with his Abbaya around his waist, his boxers around his knees, fist up his own ass, and Abdul starting to butt against the door in panic) "Sh1t! Sh!t! Sh1t!... My Mom's coming downstairs! I told her I was playing Black Ops: Call Of Duty. Sh1t! How am I gonna explain having Abdul in my room!... Again!... Sh1t!... No! Ma! Don't come in... I'm in my... I mean I just got out of the shower! Ma! GET OUT OF MY ROOM MA! I'm almost 32! Can't I have any privacy?!? No wonder I can't find a wife! NO! I did NOT use my right hand! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!

OR NOT... to be cont'd.



[quote="Or to quote The Word-Drum from the "Everyone Loves Ahmadinejad Rally & Fun Activities Thread" who"]My people are beautiful
Stand proud and say it loud
What unites The People?
To stand out in the crowd

Shy Muslims represented
Don't call us demented
That's the only thing not allowed[/quote]

What else is left to say? Really? But, "MOM! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"... and Abdul the Goat is a boy, so what's Rage Boy milking? What's left to say, indeed!

Ali Analy is wrong Comrades. Last bomb on airliner was not made with stiff polymer. Polymer was on outside of nitrocellulose filler which is double base and can be found in most capitalist pig commissariats called stores. Bomb composed in this fashion is called a "diaper". For desired results Jihadists need not stuff anything up poop chute. Just use plenty of ffffg instead of Johnsons on crotch.

Found a link to this thread on a French blog - https://www.dreuz.info/2012/07/le-gay-djihad/ along with this illustration:

From our archives:

Ah, dear Sister, you bring back some memories. Pace the Italian navy.

How do you separate the Jihadi men from the boys? With a crowbar.

If all our Commissarkas here were Hos for Obama, then I fail to see why we can't all be Butt Boys for Mo. Bear in mind that any Semtex in the ass will of course on use completely obviate the need for those pesky laxatives.

And that's a good thing.

Do you know how binding it can be to live on a diet of sheep's eyeballs? Especially when the sheep was married for three hours lest there be charges of bestiality. Do know how, er, shop-worn a sheep like that can be? The eyeballs are very binding. Not to mention the angst which comes from having to murder your favorite playmate. Which is entirely different from strapping the Semtex onto your Down's Syndrome child and sending it into a market to blow up.

So let's hear it for the butthole bombers. And remember, "How do you spell relief?"

"S-E-M-T-E-X."

Comrades,

I was greatly disappointed to find Richard Gere will not be contributing. While he pays homage to that religious rat the Dalai Lama, Comrade Gere was a fine actor in American Gerbilo.

As to Islamic food, there is an alleged Arabic saying: A falling camel catches knives. Properly translated, this refers to a camel failing because it cannot release its droppings, hence the Middle Eastern halal practice of using knives (and, by extension, SEMTEX) to relieve constipation rather than any of the more numerous, costly, and unclean methods for "digging out." In short, it takes an Islamic village to dig a camel out.

Ah, yes, it takes an Islamic village to dig a camel out.

Have you seen the video of Achmed sending his four-year-old girl up his camel's ass with a garden trowel? The child survived but since it was only a female, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Under Sharia, a woman's word is worth half a man's word. So her death would have been like a hangnail on Number One Son.

Once I was traveling and saw an impacted camel. Abu, his lover, er, caretaker, tried to unblock it with an olive-oil enema. It worked, but unfortunately when Abu was walking behind the camel.

Abu suffocated in the camel dung. And with that was born a great recipe: Seven Sands Camel Vinaigrette.

Maybe they suffer from bad constipation. Explosives are the next best thing to Ex-Lax. A Cuban doctor told me it was done all the time there. It gave great relief and helped with population control.

The Brits 200 years ago would dissolve a spoonful of gunpowder in a cup of tea when blocked. This is literally true.

We must have a Cabinet level post of food taster. What if Lord O were poisoned with a teaspoon of old-fashioned gunpowder? Even if he were in Chicago stuffing ballot boxes, voting the dead, you know, community organizing, the Declaration of Independence and Original Constitution would be destroyed.

Oh. That's a GOOD thing. So do it then.

Well if "someone" - "anyone" - were so irresponsibly unable to honor The Revolution by successfully inserting "placing" and "activating" a Society-Buster-Device, well, then maybe his/her family should suffer the consequences...

And regarding the "eventual outcome" of the "device": Well, everything comes out of the end..."

By training I am a mathematician so I always work it out with a pencil.

No comment. I don't want to have to go into hiding.

* eyes the chainsaw *

Rectum? Hell, blew the crap out of 'em.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Comrades,

I was greatly disappointed to find Richard Gere will not be contributing. While he pays homage to that religious rat the Dalai Lama, Comrade Gere was a fine actor in American Gerbilo.

As to Islamic food, there is an alleged Arabic saying: A falling camel catches knives. Properly translated, this refers to a camel failing because it cannot release its droppings, hence the Middle Eastern halal practice of using knives (and, by extension, SEMTEX) to relieve constipation rather than any of the more numerous, costly, and unclean methods for "digging out." In short, it takes an Islamic village to dig a camel out.

Comrade Tovarch, tears of joy is all I can say. Even though Snopes claims no truth to Comrade Gere's having surgically removed a gerbil from his rectum, the mere idea of it is so entertaining, I have registered it as currently true and we are henceforth mandated to remember it as irrefutably factual. We have contacted IMDB to register American Gerbilo into its data base.

--Commissar of Current Truth--