How to Make a Butt Bomb: Al Qaeda Training Video

UPDATE: Anal Jihad Exposed: Life Imitates The People's Cube - Again!

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT

On the heels of a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official by an al-Qaeda operative who had a pound of explosives stuck up his rectum, comes this latest al-Qaeda training video. We have obtained the full transcript.

Ass-Sahab and Purple Jihad present

GET LUCKY WITH A BOMB UP YOUR BUTT

Al-Qaeda Training Video

FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Are you a sexually frustrated young man? Then you've come to the right place. Hi, I am Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's backdoor man. You may remember me from such instructional videos as "Five Terrific Reasons to Blow Yourself Up" and "Al Qaeda Martyrs' Excellent Retirement Plan." But today I want to talk to you about creating butt bombs.

Did you know that the word "ASS-ASS-IN" comes from the Middle East? What social loser wouldn't like to take one in the ass for Allah? Become a butt-bomber in five easy steps with this butt-stuffing video. Have your butt buddy "get you off" with a text message while you have your final orgasmic experience of a lifetime. 'Ass-ass-ination' will never feel the same again.

Al Qaeda: We shove bombs up our butts!

Step 1: Explosives.

If you have been watching my series you know how to make explosives. But because this one will go up your butt you must mix it with polymers to stiffen it up for ease of insertion, and mold it into the only shape that Allah provided to get the job done.

Make it smooth, textured, or lovingly bumpy, but make sure it is a perfect fit for you. Before you decide on the width and length, insert a vegetable, like carrot or cucumber up your bung and walk with it. Don't be afraid to play Goldilocks and try different sizes. Something too long may create the tent-pole phenomenon in the back of your pants.

When you make calculations, don't confuse the circumference with the diameter. We don't want you to become jaded and go on a mission with a defeatist attitude or with impossibly high expectations.

Step 2: Lubricants.

KY Jelly or rendered rancid sheep fat? Hmmmm... You may find that KY dries rather rapidly. Of course use rendered rancid sheep fat! That way there will be no unfamiliar smell to give you away. It will also throw off the sniffing dogs. It is safe unless the airports start fluoroscoping all travelers with Preparation H.

I knew a butt-bomber, a very sweet young man, who went for spicy cinnamon oil to avoid the bomb detectors. But they spotted him because of the squirming. The bomb was withdrawn prematurely.

Some believe that petroleum-based lubricants offer the best secondary explosion, but that is an old wife's tale. Even water-based brands contain ingredients to enhance the incendiary effect, with or without the warming sensation. Glycerin can be found in KY Jelly, Sylk, Astroglide, Probe, and Aqualube. But be careful because the sugar can encourage yeast growth. Stop using any product that causes skin irritation.

Step 3: Preparation (stop worrying and learn to love the bomb)

Find yourself a butt buddy. For starters let him send a gerbil up your bung through the cardboard tubing from a paper towel roll. It will widen your bomb-storage facility and make you accustomed to the pleasure and accept it as desirable.

Then take turns practicing with Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket. It always hits my sweet spot. But of course modern technology has created masterpieces that rotate, vibrate, thrust, jiggle, wiggle, squirt, and simply bring out a wilder side to anyone who uses them. Be creative. Some use al-Qaeda anal beads, but they're not for everybody.

When you get good at it, proceed with Allah Fisting! Show your dedication to Allah by opening up to Him! But tell your butt buddy to remove his ring.

Make it closer to field conditions by inserting a telephone set on vibrate. You'll find it fun once you get past the buttons. Or is it the other way around? It's undetectable and hands free. You can even learn to send and receive secret messages. How do you think I have avoided the CIA for so long?

The possibilities are endless! Do you see my AK 47 rifle behind my back? No? I didn't think so. It fits completely, but it takes time to pull it out. In my other videos I have bookshelves in the background. I could pull them out too. Maybe for the next video. I like to keep my Koran and Hadith handy, so to speak.

Step 4: The big O.

A wise man said, go West, young man, and blow up with the country! By all means! Stick the bomb up your butt and go! The thought of a butt bomb can be scary to some. But you will find yourself having a fun time if you follow my advice.

Think of it as a blind date. Don't be late. Check your calendar. Remember that the Ramadan Fast provides us with extra bomb storage. Cancel all appointments and keep the phone lines clear. Pray to Allah that no one will text you a random joke and your Mom doesn't call you to ask about the condition of your butt itch.

Play it safe by going off in a public place. Wear clothes that give you confidence. Carrying penis-shaped explosives in your butt can be stressful enough, so you better feel like you're at the top of your game. Choose a location that is free of mushy memories. And you don't want a spot where you might run into an old friend from school or a relative. This can make things awkward, especially if you start exchanging phone numbers. They may try to test it and send you a text message. That could be embarrassing.

Step 5: Paradise.

This is the part where you stop worrying. Your training has prepared you for an eternity of pleasures. Meet the 72 houris. Allah willing you won't be fit for any other recreational activity. There may not be any lubricants, but there sure will be plenty of sand. With your extra-wide rectum you'll be one happy martyr. Others will not be so lucky. And that is the whole point of becoming a butt bomber.

Good luck! And please support our sponsors:

Purple Jihad - Dye for Allah - Color-coded beard dye formulas.
It's Just for Men! Females caught using it will be severely punished!

Sodom Tourism & Culture Society invites you to visit the ancient Arab city
and explore its roots in a romantic getaway for two or more.
Sodom: the backdoor entrance to the Middle East.

DISCLAIMER:
Richard Gere took no part in making this video. Special thanks to Barbra Streisand for the fabulous music. (Music score: "How lucky can you get" by Barbra Streisand followed by an explosion).

"Law enforcement officials have to be lucky every time. Terrorists only need to be lucky once."

_______________
Extra vodka rations to all comrades who contributed their lines to the collective effort. You know who you are.

 

GLORIOUS WORK COMRADES!

Dibbs...
 

This is an exceptionally equal production. I would bow before the equality of it, but given the circumstances, I'm going to go for a polite wave from across the room.
 

While I would love to join in the Islamic tradition of glorious martyrdom, getting anything past these hemorrhoids already takes more than a half-assed attempt. Maybe further tips will be in the next training video?
 

Most Glorious! Most Instructional! Most Inspirational! I must learn to put my feelings aside and face the truth: Putting bombs up their butts makes them most equal. Perhaps our most worthy comrades from San Fransisco and West Hollywood can ASSist our fighting brethren in the East in packing more Bang for their Butts....
 

Don't forget your AMB before your date with Allah!


 

Congratulations Red Square, the Cube has finally grown beyond adolescent content to adult content. I eagerly await the arrival of geriatric content.

As for the butt bomb, wouldn't females be better equipped to do the dirty deed? I mean they could carry twice the payload. Just sayin'

And I have a great formula that solves the lubrication problem. Simply mix vaseline and potassium perchlorate until it's like bread dough and insert along with a blasting cap. The petroleum grease and potent oxidizer provide a balanced redox that detonates like ANFO.
 

Komrades! This is a beautiful expression of the platonik love a terrorist has for his bomb. Thank Marx for this.

(out of karacter)
I was laughing for a good fifteen minutes after this ended.
 

hello for the very first time Komrades!

this is truly a glorious new development for internally cleansing the MOVEMENT!
 

in fact movement is critical and anything that internally cleanses the saudi royal pain and aleviates the movement of another jihaadipation is a win win situation
 

my only concern is if the brother of the movement offset his explosive rectal relief with carbon credits from fellow traveler algore
 

We must have our Progressive members in Congress appropriate money for plastic explosives and detonators for these freedom fighters and martyrs.

Bawney Fwank would be most sympathetic to this idea, wouldn't he??

Well done, Comrade Red Square!!
 

Excellent work, Red, very nice. Might I suggest something that I've heard about? Take an implement from Doc Johnson and take the windshield-wiper motor from an old car. Which goes back and forth. Put the two together and let the butt bomber get practice on the insertion of the butt bomb. First start out on slow intermediate, and then faster and faster. After a while Mo will have no trouble at all.

And as far as females, Sharia decrees that a woman's word is worth half of a man's word so double load would be single load. If the automated butt-bomb practice machine is used enough, the butt bomber can work up to this:
[center]
9" long[/center]
Which should be able to bring down a medium-sized office building.
 

I have received a new memorandum from the Ministry of Truth FactCheck.org:

You are all no longer authorized to use the colloquial phrase:
“When the Fecal Matter hits the Osculating Air Circulation Device”


(“When the Sh*t hits the fan…” if you are crass public indoctrinated educated proles)

Rather you are forever after required to use the new phrase:


“When the Fecal Matter hits the Improvised Explosive Device”


(“When the Sh*t hits the IED…” if you are crass public indoctrinated educated proles)


That is all.
 

Oh! An associate of mine who managed to escape Obamugabe's Socialist Peoples’ Utopia had this to add when I related the recent tactical innovation of the Al Qaida terrorist organization freedom fighter collective manmade disaster engineers trade union:
“What a shitty way to go...”
This is perhaps the most effectivelaxative suppository yet developed (despite obvious side effects)! I predict that Al Zawahiri and Osama Bin Laden will win the Nobel Prize for Medicine!

Hey! It is certainly the logical extension of the The Great One’s (apuH) glorious achievement: the winning of the Nobel Peace Prize.
 

Comrade Whoopie:

There will be NO "geriatric content" on the Cube... We will ALL remain forever young in The Great One’s (apuH) socialized medicine utopia.

Please refer to previous references to the "Complete Circles of Life(TM)" program which will soon be mandatory:

- http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=4084

- http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=4128

So, you can see… juvenile and adult content are most apropos, but there will be NO "geriatric content." It is FAR too inappropriate in this forum...we have a certain level of decorum to maintain.

You will only be issued a warning for your ThoughtCrime…. this time.
 

Since we've cleared this area to adult content, can I post the other spy photos from the ACORN/SEIU vanguard operation in preparation for the impending invasion of Brazil....Please? Please? Pretty Please?

(For context, please refer to: http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=4130)

I have it on good authority from a comrade in the Ministry of Peace that they are seriously considering deploying several of these Bum Bombs in a central role….they will easily be able to infiltrate the enemy ranks in Rio de Chicago.

 

If this is so well-received, and if time permits, we can make a series of similar al Zawahiri videos promoting various benefits of Sharia law to infidels, starting with forcing women to wear burqas and then expanding to other areas, like the dangers of rational thinking, the virtues of anti-Semitism, etc.

In fact, he can narrate our earlier People's Cube stories concerning Islamist worldview.

Post your suggestions here.
 

Excellent work comrades.
Have always wanted to know how Ass-bomb were made.
Am sure terrorist lock in prison will enjoy most informative video and will inspire them to experiment with other inmates.
Have question though. Was not mentioned how to keep contracted the sphincter ani externus to keep bomb from slipping out.
Was going to ask if this may cause problem with prostrate cancer but figured really no need if becoming ass-bombing martyr.
Please refer to diagram here: http://tinyurl.com/2yjn9j
 

Okay, I have no business in this discussion. After all, I am a lady, albeit a bearded one.

However, for your entertainment and enjoyment here are some Japanese women dancing to Celia Cruz's song "Mi Bomba Sono" (My Bomb Sounded Off). Lamentably, the Japanese seem to be one of the few people who appreciate salsa.


 

Leninka

Okay, I have no business in this discussion. After all, I am a lady, albeit a bearded one.

However, for your entertainment and enjoyment here are some Japanese women dancing to Celia Cruz's song "Mi Bomba Sono" (My Bomb Sounded Off). Lamentably, the Japanese seem to be one of the few people who appreciate salsa.
Thank you for nice Cuban music done by little Japanese girls, Leninka.
Make me want move to Japan. Little Aisha girl OK for Muhammad then teenage Jap gorls must be OK for al-Kidya, no? Perhaps not. Wife like monogamous sexual relation. Besides I'm too old dance like they do and like vodka too much. Make damn fool of myself. Stupid Chechnyan a-hole wife says. Should go back to Cuba. Nothing like good cigar with Russian vodka.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Excellent work, Red, very nice. Might I suggest something that I've heard about? Take an implement from Doc Johnson and take the windshield-wiper motor from an old car. Which goes back and forth. Put the two together and let the butt bomber get practice on the insertion of the butt bomb. First start out on slow intermediate, and then faster and faster. After a while Mo will have no trouble at all.

And as far as females, Sharia decrees that a woman's word is worth half of a man's word so double load would be single load. If the automated butt-bomb practice machine is used enough, the butt bomber can work up to this:
[center]
9" long[/center]

Which should be able to bring down a medium-sized office building.

Very, verrrrry good! Windshield wiper motor that go back and forth work good.
And taper on nine inch ass missile work to keep sphincter tight so bomb not slip out during salsa dancing with teenage Japanese girls. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
BTW. Teenage salsa dancing Japanes girls thank you too!
 

Comrade al-Kidya,

Thank you Comrade al-Kidya. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Comrade Theocritus,

If you listen carefully, you will hear Celia mention dancing to the Tico Tico.
 

Most excellent work Comrade Red Square!

I should add that it is possible to create a "dirty bomb" version of the Butt Bomb.

Real simple. Create and ingest the recipe as follows immediatly after insertion of the Butt Bomb:

1. 24 White Castle Hamburgers (substitute Tobassco for mustard).
2. 1 Qt. Metamucil
3. 48 ex-lax® Maximum Strength stimulant laxative pills.
4. 30 oz. Baked Beans.

After ingestion of the dirty bomb ingrediants allow 48 hours prior to the detonation time for the chemicals to fester activate.

The concept is that in addition to enhancing the bombs effects upon detonation, the dirty bomb can also serve as a "backup" in case the primary Butt Bomb fails or only blows up the brainwashed loser martyr. Those surviving the effects of the dirty bomb will wish they were dead and likely commit suicide.

For those not familar with White Castle Hamburgers, or live in an area where they are not available ... Google is your friend.

Commissar Theocritus

Excellent work, Red, very nice. Might I suggest something that I've heard about? Take an implement from Doc Johnson and take the windshield-wiper motor from an old car. Which goes back and forth. Put the two together and let the butt bomber get practice on the insertion of the butt bomb. First start out on slow intermediate, and then faster and faster. After a while Mo will have no trouble at all.


Commissar Theocritus,

Actually there are many high tech accessory options that can implimented with the Butt Bomb.

http://www.rectaltronics.com/

http://www.rectaltronics.com/rcompat.htm



http://www.bdgsales.com/electric2.html


 

One question that remains unasked, and thus unanswered, is does one wear a rubber when inserting a butt bomb? Perhaps one laced with acceleratents?
 

Colonel 7.62

One question that remains unasked, and thus unanswered, is does one wear a rubber when inserting a butt bomb? Perhaps one laced with acceleratents?

I would suppose the answer to that question would depend on if the Butt Bomb had ever been installed previously and not detonated, perhaps if it was just used in training before.

YUK!!!!

Actually I think I should wear a rubber just coming here and posting in this thread.

 

Right, perhaps Mr. Zawahiri should've expanded a little more on the question of sharing butt bombs by al Qaeda members and what view Sharia scholars have on this subject.

The Koran does prescribe the shaving of body hair in the nether regions and gives precise instructions on that. Is this a coincidence?
 

Castrate, why do you think that you need a rubber to post here? Once 20 years ago I called Sona live on CNN at noon, when P. J. O'Rourke was one answering etiquette questions. He had come out with his etiquette book. I said that I was at a friend's house and when everyone had passed out from the party, he came over to me and made a pass at me. What should I do?

P.J. said, "That's when I recommend the full-body condom."

I have pondered that for a good long while, and think that the full-body condom is a good choice for any interactions between Made Progs and Comradette Nanski or Our Many Titted Empress. I love them dearly--there was never a dime that they didn't have better uses for--but have you ever been in their aura? If you want to keep your Hummels, you'll wear a full-body condom.
 

Comrades, I must say I am glad that the phrase "rubber" is being employed, as it is green if it's real rubber from a tree. Tapping trees isn't quite murder, but it comes close; however, it is better than a nasty chemical latex good. I think we need a Prophylactic Czar who will promote rubber rubbers or else tied-off and well-rinsed animal intestines. "Sheaths" as they were once known.

You're going to feed your accidental spawn organic anyway, so why not make the accident organic, too? Make Al Gore smile!
 

I denounce Infidel Castrate as not coming from Cuba but is a Jersey Boy!

Yes!
Jersey Boy!


{Progoffovich}

My spousal unit and I are big Smithereens fans. Once, back in the early 1990s (or was it late 80s?) we had front row at Metropol for a Smithereens show. We were dancing and she had her eyes closed in bliss while they were jamming White Castle Blues and then Jim Babjak put the guitar right in front of her nose. I nudged her and yelled "Open your eyes" and Jim handed her the pick and she strummed out the power chords in perfect time while he worked the frets....friggin' awesome.

We thought "White Castle" was a Steel City thing because they were all over the 'Burgh.
The Smithereens were surprised Pittsburgh was full of them too, being from Jersey. They are all closed now, but you can still get them in the freezer section at the supermarket.

Who needs AstroGlide when you got White Castle?
If you run out of White Castle, there's always Hot Pockets.
 

(Out-of-Karakter)
Can anyone link me to information about the real butt-bomb? I can't believe Al-Qada stoop so low to put bombs in their ass.
"That ass is a bomb" is now literal.
 

( Squirts eyes with isopropyl) " This is wrong! ......WRONG!!
 

Commissar Theocritus

Castrate, why do you think that you need a rubber to post here? Once 20 years ago I called Sona live on CNN at noon, when P. J. O'Rourke was one answering etiquette questions. He had come out with his etiquette book. I said that I was at a friend's house and when everyone had passed out from the party, he came over to me and made a pass at me. What should I do?

P.J. said, "That's when I recommend the full-body condom."

I have pondered that for a good long while, and think that the full-body condom is a good choice for any interactions between Made Progs and Comradette Nanski or Our Many Titted Empress. I love them dearly--there was never a dime that they didn't have better uses for--but have you ever been in their aura? If you want to keep your Hummels, you'll wear a full-body condom.

OK, I'm safe now ...


 

I've always wondered if it is acceptable for a vegan to "swallow".
 

Laika the Space Dog

{Progoffovich}

My spousal unit and I are big Smithereens fans. Once, back in the early 1990s (or was it late 80s?) we had front row at Metropol for a Smithereens show. We were dancing and she had her eyes closed in bliss while they were jamming White Castle Blues and then Jim Babjak put the guitar right in front of her nose. I nudged her and yelled "Open your eyes" and Jim handed her the pick and she strummed out the power chords in perfect time while he worked the frets....friggin' awesome.

We thought "White Castle" was a Steel City thing because they were all over the 'Burgh.
The Smithereens were surprised Pittsburgh was full of them too, being from Jersey. They are all closed now, but you can still get them in the freezer section at the supermarket.

Who needs AstroGlide when you got White Castle?
If you run out of White Castle, there's always Hot Pockets.

Yes those sliders will certainly suffice for AstroGlide. As most progressive youth understand White Castle is likely the only place open after the bars close down ... especially in seedy progressive neighborhoods.


 

Here in Texas we have Whataburger. Extra mustard and onions and you can ask to have the onions and jalapenos grilled for you.

And I'm getting the willies over your full-body condom. Isn't that rubber just a little bit big for the man? The only place he could go with that would be to our Many Titted Empress.
 

Colonel 7.62

I've always wondered if it is acceptable for a vegan to "swallow".

Hmmm, I don't really know but did turn up some intellectual postings on the subject.

http://www.vegetablekillers.net/forums/veg-food/701-do-vegans-swallow.html

http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/man/episode-13-do-vegans-swallow

http://board.deathvalleydriver.com/index.php?showtopic=9815

Actually I think that substance that is to be swallowed ... it should be saved and collected as an alternate to AstroGlide[sup]tm[/sup], if there are no White Castle franchises around.

I do find your question to be most interesting however, so I emailed to the experts. I will let you know their reply.

http://www.veganvixens.com/index.php
 

Commissar Theocritus

Here in Texas we have Whataburger. Extra mustard and onions and you can ask to have the onions and jalapenos grilled for you.

And I'm getting the willies over your full-body condom. Isn't that rubber just a little bit big for the man? The only place he could go with that would be to our Many Titted Empress.

Yes, perhaps it is too big for "the man", even a bit large for the Great Castrate[sup]tm[/sup] whom is legendary.

I did almost approach fulfilling the potential of the body condom though, those ButtBomb accessories I linked to ... I tried the RS232 interface model with audio input, I was using the Messiahs inaugural speech as the audio input stimulation, and just as he was shouting "Yes we Can" "Yes We Can" I was nearing my socialist euphoria ... then all of a sudden my PC locked up and I could not complete my mission. Bad PC peripheral driver or something I guess.
 

You know, the holidays are right around the corner, and this might make the perfect gift!

 

The Great Castrate[sup]tm[/sup] is pleased to announce a new product for use with the Butt Bomb[sup]tm[/sup].

Use it after Butt Bomb[sup]tm[/sup] insertion or after a failed detonation.


 

Castrate

I tried the RS232 interface model with audio input, I was using the Messiahs inaugural speech as the audio input stimulation, and just as he was shouting "Yes we Can" "Yes We Can" I was nearing my socialist euphoria ... then all of a sudden my PC locked up and I could not complete my mission
It's so hard. I too have been near nirvana, listening to the dulcet tones of Dear O'Leader. I don't care what he's saying--which means that I could get a job with the MSM--I just am in love with the sound of him saying things. And it's a good deal easier not to worry about what he's saying because if I did I'd have to figure out that he is nothing more than a hand puppet for his TelePrompTer and Rahm Emanuel.

And what he says doesn't matter. If Charlie Gibson and Brian Williams and the Couric Head don't care about anything but their paychecks and preening and posturing before a camera, why should I care about anything? It's not like that there was anything to care about, is it? After all AmeriKKKa is just a pimple on the road to that perfect totalitarian state that dear Nansky and Barry O want so much. So I'll just squirm with pleasure as I try to be the best little Made Progressive on earth.

I'm a Butt Bomber for Barry O!
 

Comrade Theocritus,

Really, you are ripe for an appearance on Oprah.

"Im here today, with a very special guest. I can't tell you how much he has inspired me, and we have brought in students from Miss Robinson's 4th grade class in Chicaco, because I know he will be an inspiration to them, too. Children, I want you to pay close attention to Theocritus. No one is more dedicated to our president than he. Welcome, Theocritus."

"Thank you."

"Tell us how you came to be a Butt Bomber for the president . . ."
 

Aha-aha-ha-ha-ha!!! This greatest Peopre's Cube thread ever! You got me raughing so hard my sides are spritting. Stop, stop or I have you arr shot! Aha-hahaha!

Those sirry Isramic terrorists, shoving sticks of dynamite up where sun don't shine and browing themserves up. Puts a new spin on being anarry-retentive, doesn't it? Of course, in my Peopre's Paradise, my Grorious Father Kim Il Sung had arr rerigious peopres shot decades ago so we no have to worry about our disgruntred popuration trying to brow me up. My Grorious Father was smart man; he kept popuration shit-scared, not browing up shit.

[OFF CHARACTER] I have always said that Islam is a devil-worshiping gutter "religion" that's full of shit. Looks like Ass-Dynamite proves it.[CHARACTER ON]

Kim Jong Irrin'
 

I just dust off my ord poriticar science book from my Pori-Sci crasses I took in 60's when I was enrorred at Patrice Rumumba University in Moscow, Union of Soviet Sociarist Repubrics.

I remember one crass in particurar: Tinfoir Hat Conspiracy Carcurations & Formuras. Here goes....

Ass Dynamite = Isramic Fascist Terrorists = Jimmy JJ Warker aka "Mr Dyn-o-mite!" = brack person = Barack person = brack person = Nober Peace Prize = reft-wing riberar prize committee = funded by Nober Dynamite Corp

It arr fits together! Soyrent Green(tm) is peopre!

Kim Jong Irrin'
 

UPDATE: I just came up with a new caption for the lead image which I think is funnier. How could I have missed this angle before?



WARNING: If a stranger approaches you in a public place and asks you to pull his finger, don't do it!

On a different note, I have a question:

If the airport screeners should be on the lookout for someone with a constipated look on his face, would that be considered profiling? Or should they still be checking anal cavities randomly in all passengers by drawing their seat number from the hat?
 

Leninka

You know, the holidays are right around the corner, and this might make the perfect gift!



Leninka,

Does there exist any hardware adapters for that gadget that can adapt to my bong or Nitrous Oxide tank?
 

Red Square

If the airport screeners should be on the lookout for someone with a constipated look on his face, would that be considered profiling? Or should they still be checking anal cavities randomly in all passengers by drawing their seat number from the hat?
I think the airport drug-sniffing dogs could be re-trained. Shouldn't cause too much delay for travelers, when you are told to remove your shoes just drop your drawers at the same time and the dogs can screen out any bombers ... In lieu of that I found a qualified doctor.


 

Red Square - tovarisch, my secret underground bunker is arready turning out compretery trained sniffer dogs to defend Motherrand in case Chinese Uighur peopres with Isramic Fascist terrorist decide to pour across my borders.



They wirr sniff out any Crass Enemies and defend the Peopre's Revorution!

Kim Jong Irrin'
(end transmission)
 

Commissar Theocritus

Here in Texas we have Whataburger. Extra mustard and onions and you can ask to have the onions and jalapenos grilled for you.

And I'm getting the willies over your full-body condom. Isn't that rubber just a little bit big for the man? The only place he could go with that would be to our Many Titted Empress.

Commissar Theocritus,

Seems there is breaking news coming in, it appears that Chechen rebels were able to substitute an improvised version of the Butt Bomb into our Many Titted Empress luggage during her Moscow trip. They found her Instrument Of Pleasure[sup]tm[/sup] and after studying the blueprints for the device, they were able to create a identical version outfitted with a bomb and substitute it.

The plot appears to have been foiled, however, the conspirators were read their rights and of course they immediatly confessed. It was revealed that the plot was to detonate the bomb during a scheduled sexual encounterbriefing with his O'liness.

Now in addition to anal searches at the airport, all woman will now be subjected to a dual cavity search.




 

Infidel Castrate

Leninka

You know, the holidays are right around the corner, and this might make the perfect gift!
Leninka,

Does there exist any hardware adapters for that gadget that can adapt to my bong or Nitrous Oxide tank?

Comrade Infidel,

This may not be exactly what you had in mind, but you might be able to use the device below. I won't go into the possibilities.


 

Red...a quick question: Under the rules of the Geneva Convention, would these be classified as Dirty Bombs, or as Weapons of Ass Destruction?
 

Betinov - I think it's "Weapons of Ass Destruction" because I've seen a dirty bomb and that, sir, ain't no dirty bomb.



On a related note, don't you think that it's high time the EPA forbids pull-my-finger jokes because they contribute to greenhouse pollution and climate change?

I think Congress should pass a special law and environmental activists should put pressure on the communities to stop pulling fingers in the name of saving the planet.

When I have time I should make a special propaganda poster about that. The environmentalist idea that human activities cause global warming is pretty much the same as the idea that pulling a finger leads to flatulence.
 

Kim Jong Illin'

Red Square - tovarisch, my secret underground bunker is arready turning out compretery trained sniffer dogs to defend Motherrand in case Chinese Uighur peopres with Isramic Fascist terrorist decide to pour across my borders.

They wirr sniff out any Crass Enemies and defend the Peopre's Revorution!

Kim Jong Irrin'
(end transmission)


Comrade Kim Jong Irrin,

Seems you struggle a bit with English. I recall a rumor that there used to be a Korean lady working for our honorable Colonel 7.62, (Commisar of Time[sup]tm[/sup]). Rumor also is that the Peoples Center For English As A Second Language[sup]tm[/sup] was able to help her.


 

I DENOUNCE THIS COCK FIXER!!! ALL COCK FIXERS NEED TO REPORT TO MY OFFICES TO GET CERTIFIED!

There is no notch record of this cock technicians certification(TM) in my little black book of farmyard escapades The Party(TM) database.
 

Hmmm. I wonder if there's someone else at that shop who does cock repair. I mean, she's cute, but, well, you know...
 

Is it your Cukoo Clock?, or some rooster you met in a bar?
 

bawney fwank like his different c'ocks... certified Master C'ockmaker
 

Question: is a Certified Master C'ockmaker qualified to manufacture exploding c'ocks for Al-qaeda? one certainly could imagine the skillset required for "installation"
 

Comrade Infidel Castrate,

Nitrous oxide? A non-hybrid/non-pedal/non-foot-sole motorhead in our midst? Perish the thought! Or maybe you've been bustin' Whip-Its (if those haven't been banned yet)?
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Comrade Infidel Castrate,

Nitrous oxide? A non-hybrid/non-pedal/non-foot-sole motorhead in our midst? Perish the thought! Or maybe you've been bustin' Whip-Its (if those haven't been banned yet)?

Actually the Nitrous is not to propel my vehicle ... it is to propel me.


 

Comrades,

I believe that nitrous oxide is lined up to be banned in the Cap and Trade legislation, but don't quote me, and, of course, it hasn't been passed into law as of yet.

http://www.mondaq.com/article.asp?articleid=87596
 

Leninka

Comrades,

I believe that nitrous oxide is lined up to be banned in the Cap and Trade legislation, but don't quote me, and, of course, it hasn't been passed into law as of yet.

http://www.mondaq.com/article.asp?articleid=87596

They'll have to pry my nitrous tank from my cold dead fingers.
 

Stay on message, people, stay on message! Lust like the dedicated Iraqi ass-ass-in in this video taken with a US soldier's gun-camera.

WARNING: Not PETA-friendly.


 

Red Square

Stay on message, people, stay on message! Lust like the dedicated Iraqi ass-ass-in in this video taken with a US soldier's gun-camera.

WARNING: Not PETA-friendly.



Prog Off
Holy Shit! All that was missing was that cheesy background music they use in pornos.
 

Comrades,

I suspect that donkey is wishing it had access to nitrous or at least "Rush," or whatever that noxious chemical stench crud in porn shops is sold under. It was rumored to assist backdoor entry, but I only knew it as a cheap buzz (and not worth it). The guys that huffed it in school (often from a jacket's inside pocket) probably huffed ScotchGuard too and 'tussed up (Robitussin, that is).

Does this video disprove Theo van Gogh's appellation for Islamists, or does it reveal them as the closet equal opportunity enthusiasts we know they are?

Comrade Infidel Castrate,

It must be confessed that a few times I had to pry my own soon-to-be-temporarily-deadened fingers from the frozen stem of a thick balloon catching the nitrous blasting in from a cracked Whip-It canister pierced by a screw-together brass gadget (plastic gave too quick and aluminum stripped too fast).
 

Comrade_Tovarich

Does this video disprove Theo van Gogh's appellation for Islamists, or does it reveal them as the closet equal opportunity enthusiasts we know they are?



Prog Off

I keep having "visuals" of that donkey video .. imagine during the early part of the first Iraq war or the 2nd war, where they were showing all the "shock and awe" on CNN. I remember the video coverage where they would show the weapons system camera zoom in then acquire the target and destroy it.

Remember the night vision was so good there was one video where they showed a guy running away just in the nick of time before the "smart weapon" destroyed it's target?

Anyway, I can just visualize Wolf Blitzer giving commentary on this video if it was in the middle of a "shock and awe" campaign. Maybe with Gen. Colin Powell providing the technical commentary as well.
 

Comrade Castrate and the rest of you capitarist roaders making fun of Korean pronunciation of crock, I have you arr SHOT!! I wirr not torerate insubordination!

Besides, arr the ensraved bitches preasure radies from Demokratik Peopre's Repubrik of Korea Srave Rabor Kamp #T89-JK Super Happy Fun Time Resort say their nickname for my big, manry ji-ji is Mr Beefy(tm). I going to carr up my buddy, Chinese autocratic thug premier Hu Jintao and demand he make his Farun Gong Dissidents Srave Rabor Kamp Peopre's Sex Toy Factory in Quanghxzi Province begin making Mr Beefy(tm) sex toys morded from my own junk and start marketing it to mind-numbed remmings Progressive ho's & bitches around the entire pranet.

I bet sares of my Mr Beefy(tm) Sex Toy get extra boost from such eritist shits Progressive ruminaries as Bawney Fwank, Anderson Cooper, Barack Hussein Obama, Hirrary Crinton, Rindsey Graham, Orca Winfrey, Merissa Etheridge, Janeane Garofaro, Birr Maher, Micherre Obama, Raul Castro, Susan Sarandon, Roman Poranski, Orympia Snowe, Nancy Perosi, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Gerry Studds, George Soros, and most of arr Rahm Emmanuer.

I'm Just Chirring,
Kim Jong Irrin'
 

(psst you forgot ben affleck & MATT DAMONNNNNNN)
 

Infidel Castrate

I can just visualize Wolf Blitzer giving commentary on this video if it was in the middle of a "shock and awe" campaign. Maybe with Gen. Colin Powell providing the technical commentary as well.

{prog off}
I think Comrade Bullshitzer would give half-ass commentary.

Hey, bad puns are still allowed in the new utopia, yes?
{prog on}
 

Czar Czar

(psst you forgot ben affleck & MATT DAMONNNNNNN)
Thank you for reminding me. I terr my guards you no get shot........today.

Of course, I shourd have remembered to incrude Ben Affreck and MAATTT DAAMMMONNNN. I arso forgot Arec Bardwin.

Hey, it not easy running a Communist dictator dynasty. I had big shoes to firr from my Grorious Father Kim Ir Sung and I trying to set up my son, Kim Chi Snak to take over ruthress thug dynasty when I die, and rike Communist Utopia, wither away.

I'm Just Chirring,

Kim Jong Illin'
 

We've forgotten Johnny Depp, who promised us if the Bu$hitler were elected he'd flee the country. And he hasn't. What about Susan Saranwrap? Janeane Gawdawfulo is an actress, isn't she? Well, she's not very good at acting (1) human or (2) female but she's an actress, isn't she?
 

I don't know how the timing works on Monsieur Depp, but he did move to France (his (then?) wife was French). Not many months later the "youths" began torching cars and he apparently decided maybe Bu$hitler wasn't so bad after all, because he moved back to the US.

Personally, I'd like them all to move to, oh, Bangladesh. Very poor, very ethnic, very Muslim, very green, very doomed-by-polar-melting-and-rising-seas, very full of very nasty diseases, very poor. But I freely admit every expat Bangladeshi I have met has been a fascinating and friendly person.
 

A vigilant comrade emailed us this observation:

No wonder Islamists would be sticking bombs up their butts if this is what Islamist pussies look like.


 

Infidel Castrate

I think the airport drug-sniffing dogs could be re-trained. Shouldn't cause too much delay for travelers, when you are told to remove your shoes just drop your drawers at the same time and the dogs can screen out any bombers ... In lieu of that I found a qualified doctor...

Is this the same doctor who made uneven nipples after a breast implant in Mexico? And who is soon going to be Obama's Surgeon General?


 

Some might call this a variant of sodomy, but can we market it as Jihad-o'-me?
 

Tovarich, I think that we can sell it in the waiting room of Jiffy-Lobo. Or the recovery room. After all Jiffy-Lobo is perhaps the only concern on earth where the post-op waiting room can move more product than the waiting room itself.
 

I like the waiting room option: It's a great way to handle those rare cases where Jiffy-Lobo doesn't succeed. Jihad-o'-Me would thus eliminate potential malpractice litigation.

Oh, wait, that would oppress trial lawyers. Hmm.
 

We could perhaps give the trial lawyers coupons to Jiffy-Lobo?

Of course we could also merely execute them, by giving them free colorectal exams.
 

Comrade_Tovarich

I don't know how the timing works on Monsieur Depp, but he did move to France (his (then?) wife was French). Not many months later the "youths" began torching cars and he apparently decided maybe Bu$hitler wasn't so bad after all, because he moved back to the US.

Prog Off:

I remember during these riots in France, the female anchor on CNN describing them as "African American" youths.
 

I've heard this too. I've heard the babbling head progs talking about non-American African Americans. Which is even funnier than Peter Jennings talking in a normal voice and then, like a turd in a punch bowl, pulling back the corners of his mouth to say "CHEE-lay."

Next I expected him to say "Les États-Unis." If he were still around, he'd no doubt be saying, "In Washington, capital of the Great Satan..."

Precious fool.