Orientation Training for Newly Arrived Thoughtcriminals


The bus will take you to the Karl Marx Treatment Center where those who survive will begin to get in touch with their "Inner Comrade."

How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade
Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow, deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general.
Keep digging until the need for self-sacrifice overwhelms you. Breathe out selfishness, self-esteem, personal responsibility, and any thoughtcrimes that may have been haunting you. Allow shame, despair, guilt for your very existence, and blind faith in the Party doctrine to spread from the top of your head, all the way down to the tips of your fingers and toes, erasing every curvy line in your brain. This should take about five hours of uninterrupted self-criticism.
Look at your own miserable reflection in the Commissar's new, shiny jackboots, and ask yourself: if you were him, what would your reaction be to such a sorry excuse for a human being with a shovel?...
- Would you be disgusted and feel an urge to squash this human stain for the common good?
- Would you denounce him/her/it as Enemy of the People and end his misery right there with a quick shot in the back of the head?
- Will you want to promote him/her/it to the rank of your assistant in charge of composting Enemies of the People if he/she/it denounces a comrade digging the next hole?
- Will you reward him/her/it with an extra rationing coupon if he/she/it denounces his/her/its entire extended family - or will you on a whim squash him/her/it anyway?
Once your feet turn cold with fear and you feel an irresistibly urge to fall on your knees and announce the advent of the New Leader, Friend of People, and Father of Nations, your self-criticism session is complete. You have discovered your Inner Comrade™
UPDATE:
Multiplicity of Inner Comrades is a mandatory thread in this re-education session.




--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita, Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor, The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremons)










Border Collie Patrol
As newly whelped comrade, I respectfully ask that paws may take place of shovel? I have great skills in digging up and gnawing on dissident bones, then covering up the deed. I have also been sheep dipped and lack cooties in any significant amount.Welcome Comrade Border Collie! I can see we will get along wonderfully! I can issue you a license to use your paws, but of course you will need to fill out Form SH4526-457s, in triplicate, using a #2 pencil. Of course this must be received on a Wednesday, morning, with coffee and a nominal fee. which of course I will decide if it is sufficient when I see it. Though I really do not see why you should have any problem with a shovel. I had no problem with my shovel, or blockhead for that matter.



I shall endeavor to search for my inner Comrade. As I dig I shall be reminded of that great quote from a Imperialist Marine, “you can beat me, whip me and run me into the ground, just never bore me.” Can we not use the people’s Cemtex to create the hole that never ends and use our shovels to rise up against those who wish to repress us?
.
Semper Gumby


As for my Inner Comrade, he ran into my Inner Child (who was an irritating teenager at that time) and strangled him. Since having been liberated from the misery of selfhood, I have found true enlightenment and inner peace. That, and a generous ration of catnip, have kept me near the top of the Party since Mao thought he'd like a cute kitten to help engineer his Cultural Revolution. The rest is history.
Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!




I will honored to provide necessary & required paperwork, coffee & fee. Speaking of paperwork, among the many skills I can bring to the Glorious cause is that I am also housebroken and have availed myself upon many a fishwrap of MSM.
In addition, I am Gender Neutral, having been 'fixed' some time ago, so none of those pesky urges to grab a leg, will get in way of duties.
Picture from National ID Card will be forthcoming.


I have read this wonderful exercise in reaching for my Inner Comrade from the beaches of Rio de Janeiro on my approved solar power Blackberry, while enforcing the proliferation of thongs. Proliferation of Thongs are my way to help in konservation of fabric for uses by those less fortunate. Less fabric on beaches means more buns, which is more bread for bread lines, and produces surplus fabric for comrades to mend sweaters and make gloves for shoveling. I notice yesterday that our Dear Leader used this proliferation word frequently in address to masses - it is approved word, no?
It is back to work for me on beaches. I walk the sands barefoot to better understand my comrades who cannot afford the evil capitalist Havaianas Designer Brazilian Flip-Flops. The sun baked granules roast my feet and produce sores of empathy.


Comrades, I hope you will all support me in my power struggle against my Inner Comrade. Anyone who does so will get extra beet rations and a


General Mousey-Tongue
Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!Much groveling & thanks for guidance to keep from straying off collectivist path by committing crime of individual. I will still provide Marshall Pupovich with coffee & TYS notes so as to keep my


Quote:
As for my Inner Comrade, he ran into my Inner Child (who was an irritating teenager at that time) and strangled him.I got in touch with my inner child once. He's a vicious little bastard. I also got in touch with my feminine side. Unfortunately, it was a bad touch and now I am the subject of a restraining order that requires me to remain 150 feet away from myself at all times. That's where this brain inna jar bit comes in handy.




Viva la Revolution
Oh, and yes I also denounce all my inner selves for not conforming to glorious Socialists Socialisum and shall take up my shovel to dig to the glorious Leader.


But I suggest that when you get in touch with your Inner Comrade you not do it in a room with mirrors. How do you think that Bruno got to be the way he is: staring for hours into his reflection? You really have to be careful: Inner Comrade can lead to Max Factor.


KomradeGunny N Wyominstan
Oh, and yes I also denounce all my inner selves for not conforming to glorious Socialists Socialisum and shall take up my shovel to dig to the glorious Leader.KomradeGunny! My paws tingle in anticipation of participating in the Great One's Shovel Readiness! As well as great chest swell of pride knowing evile CEUs will be redirected and reborn through just cause of Acornholiness.
I was once detainee of Wyominstan, but have escaped to more progressive Nevadagrad where Fearless Leader Scary Deed will no doubt requisition many shovels for the cause.


Commissar Theocritus
How do you think that Bruno got to be the way he is: staring for hours into his reflection? You really have to be careful: Inner Comrade can lead to Max Factor.I thought he got that way from watching La Cage aux Folles too many times.
--


Border Collie Patrol
General Mousey-Tongue
Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!Much groveling & thanks for guidance to keep from straying off collectivist path by committing crime of individual. I will still provide Marshall Pupovich with coffee & TYS notes so as to keep my
Welcome Comrade Border Collie, your innate skills will indeed come in handy in future dealings with the sheeples. Be wise and heed the words of General Tongue. Afterall, has any friendly feline advice ever led you astray? (no pun intended)
Your fellow worker and furry friend,
Reiuxcat


He walks around intruding your privacy in a black leather overcoat and poofy '80s hair.


Shaven heads makes us more equal because they make handsome men look less so and plain men more so. And are brutal.
Viva la Revolucion!


In the 17th century, the French philosopher René Descartes came up with the "explanation for it all": "I think, therefore I am". Today, liberals philosophers opine, "I think and therefore I am ....... guilty of something! Thank you DeMAOcrats for setting back mans intellectual development 4 centuries!
Publius





(Gauss-Ostrogradskian)


I cannot believe that Comrade Gauss was so forward thinking. This may almost rescue him from Gaussian distribution, which first states that all people are not created equal. Some uncharitable people have suggested that integrating Gaussian distribution to find that it is 1 is the same as saying that the probability that someone has an IQ is 1.
I know this is not true. Consider Comrade Nansky. Or Jay Rockefeller, a senator of such limited lucubrative abilities that the most monocular, sunken-chested, barefooted backwoods WV hillbilly can look down on him. From of course his monoscopic vision.


Commissar Theocritus
I denounce poofy 80s hair. Modern shaven skulls make all comrades more equal. While watching La Rêve by Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas I noticed that all the men had shaven heads. The people dive in and out of the water in the Wynn Theater all the time.Shaven heads makes us more equal because they make handsome men look less so and plain men more so. And are brutal.
Viva la Revolucion!
I concur!!!

--
ZB










Is there a way to automatically redirect proles to this page as soon as they register?
-OV


http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/dec/22/governors-agree-back-fast-train/http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/dec/22/governors-agree-back-fast-train/
Am trapped in Capitalist ridden province of northern Nevadagrad which not yet fully integrated with correct group thinkers. Must concentrate all efforts on escape to more progressive south for honor of partaking in glorious endeavor!





Reiuxcat
Welcome Comrade Border Collie, your innate skills will indeed come in handy in future dealings with the sheeples. Be wise and heed the words of General Tongue. Afterall, has any friendly feline advice ever led you astray? (no pun intended)
Your fellow worker and furry friend,
Reiuxcat
Most grateful for welcome, fellow four footed one!
Only some not so friendly felines have led me astray, but that was when I was a young and fool hardy pup. I have since learned how to wag my tail and roll over for proper authorities.


Commissar Theocritus
Of course, Red Jim, and the more useful you are the more use you will be allowed to make of other commissars not as advanced in the ways of lying, deceit, skulduggery, framing, finger-point, leveling false accusations, presenting false choices, and all those other little tricks that successful Made Progressives, like moi, adore and use.Commissar, I await your orders.


Representative Pelosinski
Red Jim, remember the dead are the Party's most significant voting bloc. It is in the Party's best interest to grow in this area. Particularly effective at turning rethuglicans and conswervatives to the Party line.Then it is possible never to outlive my usefulness to the Party? Then truly we have achieved a Workers Paradise!


Border Collie Patrol
... Am trapped in Capitalist ridden province of northern Nevadagrad which not yet fully integrated with correct group thinkers. Must concentrate all efforts on escape to more progressive south for honor of partaking in glorious endeavor!You could take a shortcut west to the PRK (Peoples Republik of Kalifornia) and bathe yourself in the progressiveness here.
If you can afford the


Red Jim
Commissar, I await your orders.Oh, just the general stuff. No matter what you do, it's not your fault.
If you do something really nasty, there are extenuating circumstances.
There is no accountability. And this means you. Reality is a construct.


Here are three of my inner comrades.



-OV


The "stimulus package" that Comrade B. Hussein Obama is pushing contains provisions for ribbed latex "helmets" for millions of African citizens! Isn't that special too?
Publius


Comrade7.62
Comrade #13 tells me that there is no problem a screwdriver to the temple can't cure...Comrade #13 has been watching too much Darren Aronovsky.




Publius Valerius
Citizen Vodkavich,The "stimulus package" that Comrade B. Hussein Obama is pushing contains provisions for ribbed latex "helmets" for millions of African citizens! Isn't that special too?
Publius
Comrade Valerius,
That is stimulating indeed! If I remember, Our Dear Leader also mentioned that this package is "just the beginning." Future iterations will no doubt include Planned Parenthood franchises in Africa! Afterall, when we give to other "countries" (as ex-person
-OV


AbecedariusRex
Comrade7.62
Comrade #13 tells me that there is no problem a screwdriver to the temple can't cure...Comrade #13 has been watching too much Darren Aronovsky.
Actually Comrade 7.62 saw that quote on a sig line somewhere, and redistributed it for the collective good.





CrashedSputnik
Comrade Sputnik (only crashed once, good as new!) reporting for duty.Welcome to the Collective Comrade Crashed Sputnik, which certainly explains why you in particular need to start off your socialist redemption with a shovel.


Speaking of "shovels", I presently have a "shovel ready" stimulus job to get the economy going again! My dog Sage has the capacity to keep one unskilled worker completely occupied. Unfortunately this is not a "green" job, it's more like a "brown" vocation. Yes, it does sound very "presidential", and I would have offered the position to you, but I see that you started your "shovel ready" occupation already! Feel free to contact me after your loss in the next election. With your experience "shoveling shit", the position is yours for the asking!
Publius


Obama talks only to Marx. Never forget that.






thanks to sneakerobsession.com



thanks to jessica's well for this one (way to go Theo)


etc. etc. etc.




Commissar Theocritus
Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.Commissar, it might have been the most accurate representation of the man, you just forgot to bend him to the left. Great, now Im have to go back to the denounce thread.


Commissar Theocritus
Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.And I saw how some capitalist took your idea and is making a profit off it. Head O State? Remember?


Commissar Theocritus
Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.Probably a great idea. Unfortunately it would undoubtedly sell.







Theo, Can you attach that to his O'lyness' shoulder?


-OV




Next is one with an operating system which changes the expression of His O'liness as the action gets hot and heavy.
And I like the idea, Reiuxcat, of attaching them to shoulders. Instead of epaulets in the soon-to-be-required uniforms of the Progressive Goons.




But it might make Media the Lapdog jealous.
Nansky, with that as a horn on her head, would be a double threat at the Rancho you know--the Hildo Hydra 7.0 would get jealous.






What does Hilton Head look like?







Leave your scruples at the door for they are of no use to a Progressive for Progressivism is larger than you.
And the world has a lot more money and power than you do too, and that's why we're all here.

Commissar Theocritus
Welcome, Comrade Reecant. We can use all able-bodied people in the Collective. And people who are not able bodies are of use too. Don't think too much about what that means. You won't find it comforting.Leave your scruples at the door for they are of no use to a Progressive for Progressivism is larger than you.
And the world has a lot more money and power than you do too, and that's why we're all here.
It is true Commissar Theocritus, Scruples are expensive and my rations are stretched, and I need to be getting my shovel fixed, first things first. Will we be holding any meetings in the People's Park? Ah Moscow in the Winter it is like Spring in Siberia.




Yes, Reecant, there will meetings in the Peoples' Park. We love the Peoples' Park. It is very big and has lots of places where you, or we, can lose things.
Just so you'll know.




Since we penguins have created what you humans call Communism (among other things, like monarchy, democracy, rock'n roll, hamburgers, George Patton and the Ford T -the first two were created to simply annoy and confuse the feeble human mind) and we know that, while everyone is equal, some are more equal than others, all the humans who have not yet embraced the true glory of Communism will be forced to shovel with... spoons.
Only if you prove to be a proper comrade you will be allowed to shovel with a shovel.

