Orientation Training for Newly Arrived Thoughtcriminals

Welcome to the Cube, comrade. You may collect your blunt shovel from the guard and get in the line to the left. You will be washed down in the People's Shower to rid you of any possible"bugs," and undergo initial capitalist delousement. The bus will take you to the Karl Marx Treatment Center where those who survive will begin to get in touch with their "Inner Comrade."



How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade

Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow, deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general.

Keep digging until the need for self-sacrifice overwhelms you. Breathe out selfishness, self-esteem, personal responsibility, and any thoughtcrimes that may have been haunting you. Allow shame, despair, guilt for your very existence, and blind faith in the Party doctrine to spread from the top of your head, all the way down to the tips of your fingers and toes, erasing every curvy line in your brain. This should take about five hours of uninterrupted self-criticism.

Once you feel totally guilty, worthless, and fearful, visualize yourself kneeling in front of a powerful Commissar in charge of purges, disappearances, and composting.

Look at your own miserable reflection in the Commissar's new, shiny jackboots, and ask yourself: if you were him, what would your reaction be to such a sorry excuse for a human being with a shovel?...

• Would you be disgusted and feel an urge to squash this human stain for the common good?
• Would you denounce him/her/it as Enemy of the People and end his misery right there with a quick shot in the back of the head?
• Will you want to promote him/her/it to the rank of your assistant in charge of composting Enemies of the People if he/she/it denounces a comrade digging the next hole?
• Will you reward him/her/it with an extra rationing coupon if he/she/it denounces his/her/its entire extended family - or will you on a whim squash him/her/it anyway?

Once your feet turn cold with fear and you feel an irresistibly urge to fall on your knees and announce the advent of the New Leader, Friend of People, and Father of Nations, your self-criticism session is complete. You have discovered your Inner Comrade™

UPDATE:
Multiplicity of Inner Comrades is a mandatory thread in this re-education session.


 

Mighty and exhilarating are the things that The Obamessiah™ demands from his servants, the Proletariat.

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita, Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor, The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremons)
 

As newly whelped comrade, I respectfully ask that paws may take place of shovel? I have great skills in digging up and gnawing on dissident bones, then covering up the deed. I have also been sheep dipped and lack cooties in any significant amount.
 

Pup? One of your relatives is here!
 

Comrade Border Collie! Whatever you do, regardless of your gender and sexual orientation, stay away from Chairman Punchenko. Don't ask.
 

After rigorous applications of the above regime I have found my inner comrade and he is a scary cynical sadistic little bastard with white hair and no eyeballs!


 

Border Collie Patrol

As newly whelped comrade, I respectfully ask that paws may take place of shovel? I have great skills in digging up and gnawing on dissident bones, then covering up the deed. I have also been sheep dipped and lack cooties in any significant amount.

Welcome Comrade Border Collie! I can see we will get along wonderfully! I can issue you a license to use your paws, but of course you will need to fill out Form SH4526-457s, in triplicate, using a #2 pencil. Of course this must be received on a Wednesday, morning, with coffee and a nominal fee. which of course I will decide if it is sufficient when I see it. Though I really do not see why you should have any problem with a shovel. I had no problem with my shovel, or blockhead for that matter.



 

I thank you Komrade Red Square for your warm welcome to the People’s Cube.

I shall endeavor to search for my inner Comrade. As I dig I shall be reminded of that great quote from a Imperialist Marine, “you can beat me, whip me and run me into the ground, just never bore me.” Can we not use the people’s Cemtex to create the hole that never ends and use our shovels to rise up against those who wish to repress us?
.
Semper Gumby
 

A splendid tutorial indeed, Glorious Red One! This has been greatly needed in these heady days, as the unwashed masses flock to enlightenment under our Great Society of Obamaness.

As for my Inner Comrade, he ran into my Inner Child (who was an irritating teenager at that time) and strangled him. Since having been liberated from the misery of selfhood, I have found true enlightenment and inner peace. That, and a generous ration of catnip, have kept me near the top of the Party since Mao thought he'd like a cute kitten to help engineer his Cultural Revolution. The rest is history.

Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!
 

Actually, I'm not a new comrade anymore. But, I still need help and getting in touch with my Inner Comrade(tm), so this guide helps. I believe it should be printed and hanged around the streets, to spread our progressivism.
 

Thanks Comrades! For most warm welcome to collective & appropriate advice on how to think and act within. I should also mention besides digging myself into holes on regular basis, I am most excellent herder of Sheeple.

I will honored to provide necessary & required paperwork, coffee & fee. Speaking of paperwork, among the many skills I can bring to the Glorious cause is that I am also housebroken and have availed myself upon many a fishwrap of MSM.

In addition, I am Gender Neutral, having been 'fixed' some time ago, so none of those pesky urges to grab a leg, will get in way of duties.

Picture from National ID Card will be forthcoming.
 

Bem Vindo (welkome!) Comrade Border Collie Patrol! I too am new at this collective participation, and look for guidance.

I have read this wonderful exercise in reaching for my Inner Comrade from the beaches of Rio de Janeiro on my approved solar power Blackberry, while enforcing the proliferation of thongs. Proliferation of Thongs are my way to help in konservation of fabric for uses by those less fortunate. Less fabric on beaches means more buns, which is more bread for bread lines, and produces surplus fabric for comrades to mend sweaters and make gloves for shoveling. I notice yesterday that our Dear Leader used this proliferation word frequently in address to masses - it is approved word, no?

It is back to work for me on beaches. I walk the sands barefoot to better understand my comrades who cannot afford the evil capitalist Havaianas Designer Brazilian Flip-Flops. The sun baked granules roast my feet and produce sores of empathy.
 

I tried to contact my Inner Comrade but he refuses to speak to me. I left a number of msgs but he hasn't gotten back to me. I fear he is going to denounce me to the Politburo as a thought criminal. To retaliate, I am going to denounce him as a counter-revolutionary and a closet imperialist. That will put me in the lead, two denounciations to one.

Comrades, I hope you will all support me in my power struggle against my Inner Comrade. Anyone who does so will get extra beet rations and a previously-owned new shovel. Hopefully, I will prevail and my Inner Comrade will be sent to the gulag; with the Politburo's help, I can prevent him from taking all the party organs with him. Thank you.
 

General Mousey-Tongue

Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!

Much groveling & thanks for guidance to keep from straying off collectivist path by committing crime of individual. I will still provide Marshall Pupovich with coffee & TYS notes so as to keep my brownshirt brown nose skills well honed.
 

Quote:

As for my Inner Comrade, he ran into my Inner Child (who was an irritating teenager at that time) and strangled him.


I got in touch with my inner child once. He's a vicious little bastard. I also got in touch with my feminine side. Unfortunately, it was a bad touch and now I am the subject of a restraining order that requires me to remain 150 feet away from myself at all times. That's where this brain inna jar bit comes in handy.
 

I denounce my inner comrade for not being the dominant personality already!
 

My inner Komrade Socialist has been fighting my inner Decadent Imperialist for days now and I am not a happy camperSocialist. My only hope is to contact Komrade the One, the great Obamasiah to ask for his guidance, and a little bail out money wouldn’t hurt either. If that doesn’t work I shall take up my Imperialist black rifle and find the local Bastille to storm. Of course with the new porkulas stimulus bill that may become the savior of our Glorious Socialist Nation, I may contact that glorious Socialist group ACORN help.

Viva la Revolution

Oh, and yes I also denounce all my inner selves for not conforming to glorious Socialists Socialisum and shall take up my shovel to dig to the glorious Leader.
 

I tried and tried to get in touch with my Inner Comrade and I succeeded--and heard such a lot of whining and moaning that I immediately presented myself to a Jifi-Lobo(tm) for treatment. And no more Inner Comrade. And not a lot of thinking either but then as a Commissar that is not required.

But I suggest that when you get in touch with your Inner Comrade you not do it in a room with mirrors. How do you think that Bruno got to be the way he is: staring for hours into his reflection? You really have to be careful: Inner Comrade can lead to Max Factor.
 

KomradeGunny N Wyominstan

Oh, and yes I also denounce all my inner selves for not conforming to glorious Socialists Socialisum and shall take up my shovel to dig to the glorious Leader.

KomradeGunny! My paws tingle in anticipation of participating in the Great One's Shovel Readiness! As well as great chest swell of pride knowing evile CEUs will be redirected and reborn through just cause of Acornholiness.

I was once detainee of Wyominstan, but have escaped to more progressive Nevadagrad where Fearless Leader Scary Deed will no doubt requisition many shovels for the cause.
 

Commissar Theocritus

How do you think that Bruno got to be the way he is: staring for hours into his reflection? You really have to be careful: Inner Comrade can lead to Max Factor.

I thought he got that way from watching La Cage aux Folles too many times.

--
 

Border Collie Patrol

General Mousey-Tongue

Comrade Border Collie, welcome to the Collective! You will find Marshall Pupovich well-meaning but misinformed about a wide range of subjects. Yet on the topic of digging he is actually correct. You don't need to use those paws! A shovel, a cold gray day, and an empty mind are the essential ingredients for reducation. You dig with your claws, and you might think you did something YOURSELF. On your OWN. That would be ThoughtCrime!

Much groveling & thanks for guidance to keep from straying off collectivist path by committing crime of individual. I will still provide Marshall Pupovich with coffee & TYS notes so as to keep my brownshirt brown nose skills well honed.

Welcome Comrade Border Collie, your innate skills will indeed come in handy in future dealings with the sheeples. Be wise and heed the words of General Tongue. Afterall, has any friendly feline advice ever led you astray? (no pun intended)

Your fellow worker and furry friend,
Reiuxcat
 

Hmmm, after much meditation on the infallible wisdom of Pupovich, taking in the useful parts of The Black Book of Communism, as well as His O'liness' voluminous tome of Hallmark-grade proverbs (AKA Borscht for the Proletariat Soul), I have found my inner comrade!

He walks around intruding your privacy in a black leather overcoat and poofy '80s hair.


 

I denounce poofy 80s hair. Modern shaven skulls make all comrades more equal. While watching La Rêve by Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas I noticed that all the men had shaven heads. The people dive in and out of the water in the Wynn Theater all the time.

Shaven heads makes us more equal because they make handsome men look less so and plain men more so. And are brutal.

Viva la Revolucion!
 

Citizen's

In the 17th century, the French philosopher René Descartes came up with the "explanation for it all": "I think, therefore I am". Today, liberals philosophers opine, "I think and therefore I am ....... guilty of something! Thank you DeMAOcrats for setting back mans intellectual development 4 centuries!


Publius
 

I stink, therefore I'm Spam.
 

I sink therefore

(Gauss-Ostrogradskian)
 

Rex, I am impressed. Three whole integrations over V, which I assume is Latin for vulgaris, of the common people.

I cannot believe that Comrade Gauss was so forward thinking. This may almost rescue him from Gaussian distribution, which first states that all people are not created equal. Some uncharitable people have suggested that integrating Gaussian distribution to find that it is 1 is the same as saying that the probability that someone has an IQ is 1.

I know this is not true. Consider Comrade Nansky. Or Jay Rockefeller, a senator of such limited lucubrative abilities that the most monocular, sunken-chested, barefooted backwoods WV hillbilly can look down on him. From of course his monoscopic vision.
 

Commissar Theocritus

I denounce poofy 80s hair. Modern shaven skulls make all comrades more equal. While watching La Rêve by Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas I noticed that all the men had shaven heads. The people dive in and out of the water in the Wynn Theater all the time.

Shaven heads makes us more equal because they make handsome men look less so and plain men more so. And are brutal.

Viva la Revolucion!

I concur!!!



--
ZB
 

MY barber is Wahl.
 

I was born with no inner child. Every day since my birth has been a constant struggle to deal with a reality that did not match my expectations. Now that the revolution has swept our land, reality has met my expectations. Now my struggle will be to construct my inner comrade so that I might fully appreciate the fruits of the revolution. My glass is no longer half empty, I have no glass and have no expectations that it would have anything in it were the Party to issue me one.
 

Red Jim, that is the perfect attitude for a good comrade. For we are nothing without the Party. See Boxer in Animal Farm. Oh, and don't read the last chapter when he works himself to death and only the donkey, and the pigs, can read on the side of the van that comes for him, "Knacker."
 

Commissar, I have learned that life and death are alien concepts. Death shows that one profited from having life. I have learned that life is being useful to the Party and death is when the Party no longer has any need of you. I hope that the Party will continue to find me useful.
 

Comrade Red Square-

Is there a way to automatically redirect proles to this page as soon as they register?

-OV
 

Rejoice Comrades! Fearless Leader Scary Deed is making valiant effort to direct evile CEUs into most worthy shovel ready project! Will prove most useful for transportation of sheeple to gulag & make work camps.

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/dec/22/governors-agree-back-fast-train/http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/dec/22/governors-agree-back-fast-train/

Am trapped in Capitalist ridden province of northern Nevadagrad which not yet fully integrated with correct group thinkers. Must concentrate all efforts on escape to more progressive south for honor of partaking in glorious endeavor!
 

Of course, Red Jim, and the more useful you are the more use you will be allowed to make of other commissars not as advanced in the ways of lying, deceit, skulduggery, framing, finger-point, leveling false accusations, presenting false choices, and all those other little tricks that successful Made Progressives, like moi, adore and use.
 

Red Jim, remember the dead are the Party's most significant voting bloc. It is in the Party's best interest to grow in this area. Particularly effective at turning rethuglicans and conswervatives to the Party line.
 

Reiuxcat

Welcome Comrade Border Collie, your innate skills will indeed come in handy in future dealings with the sheeples. Be wise and heed the words of General Tongue. Afterall, has any friendly feline advice ever led you astray? (no pun intended)

Your fellow worker and furry friend,
Reiuxcat

Most grateful for welcome, fellow four footed one!

Only some not so friendly felines have led me astray, but that was when I was a young and fool hardy pup. I have since learned how to wag my tail and roll over for proper authorities.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Of course, Red Jim, and the more useful you are the more use you will be allowed to make of other commissars not as advanced in the ways of lying, deceit, skulduggery, framing, finger-point, leveling false accusations, presenting false choices, and all those other little tricks that successful Made Progressives, like moi, adore and use.

Commissar, I await your orders.
 

Representative Pelosinski

Red Jim, remember the dead are the Party's most significant voting bloc. It is in the Party's best interest to grow in this area. Particularly effective at turning rethuglicans and conswervatives to the Party line.

Then it is possible never to outlive my usefulness to the Party? Then truly we have achieved a Workers Paradise!
 

Border Collie Patrol

... Am trapped in Capitalist ridden province of northern Nevadagrad which not yet fully integrated with correct group thinkers. Must concentrate all efforts on escape to more progressive south for honor of partaking in glorious endeavor!


You could take a shortcut west to the PRK (Peoples Republik of Kalifornia) and bathe yourself in the progressiveness here.

If you can afford the offensive patriotic taxes, that is.
 

Red Jim

Commissar, I await your orders.
Oh, just the general stuff. No matter what you do, it's not your fault.

If you do something really nasty, there are extenuating circumstances.

There is no accountability. And this means you. Reality is a construct.
 

I listen only to the 17 dominant inner comrades in my head. Comrade #13 tells me that there is no problem a screwdriver to the temple can't cure, while Comrade #9 suggests drinking a large bottle of cheap vodka on an empty stomach. Comrades 1,4, and 17 are engaged in a love triangle, while the rest of the inner comrades are simply drinking the bottle #9 brought.

Here are three of my inner comrades.


 

I love the "special helmets"...

-OV
 

Citizen Vodkavich,

The "stimulus package" that Comrade B. Hussein Obama is pushing contains provisions for ribbed latex "helmets" for millions of African citizens! Isn't that special too?



Publius
 

Comrade7.62

Comrade #13 tells me that there is no problem a screwdriver to the temple can't cure...

Comrade #13 has been watching too much Darren Aronovsky.


 

Speaking of tools to the temple--shouldn't we be rehabilitating Trotsky? After all, a good red is a terrible thing to waste. Lord knows ACORN doesn't.
 

Publius Valerius

Citizen Vodkavich,

The "stimulus package" that Comrade B. Hussein Obama is pushing contains provisions for ribbed latex "helmets" for millions of African citizens! Isn't that special too?



Publius
Comrade Valerius,

That is stimulating indeed! If I remember, Our Dear Leader also mentioned that this package is "just the beginning." Future iterations will no doubt include Planned Parenthood franchises in Africa! Afterall, when we give to other "countries" (as ex-person Palin says of Africa), we stimulate our own.

-OV
 

AbecedariusRex

Comrade7.62

Comrade #13 tells me that there is no problem a screwdriver to the temple can't cure...

Comrade #13 has been watching too much Darren Aronovsky.


Actually Comrade 7.62 saw that quote on a sig line somewhere, and redistributed it for the collective good.
 

Or enough screwdrivers into the cakehole--but eventually you have to wake up.
 

Comrade Sputnik (only crashed once, good as new!) reporting for duty.
 

CrashedSputnik

Comrade Sputnik (only crashed once, good as new!) reporting for duty.

Welcome to the Collective Comrade Crashed Sputnik, which certainly explains why you in particular need to start off your socialist redemption with a shovel.
 

Dear Comrade Obama,

Speaking of "shovels", I presently have a "shovel ready" stimulus job to get the economy going again! My dog Sage has the capacity to keep one unskilled worker completely occupied. Unfortunately this is not a "green" job, it's more like a "brown" vocation. Yes, it does sound very "presidential", and I would have offered the position to you, but I see that you started your "shovel ready" occupation already! Feel free to contact me after your loss in the next election. With your experience "shoveling shit", the position is yours for the asking!

Publius
 

Publius, Obama does not talk to hoi polloi like us, although we are highly placed in the hierarchy of the proletariat, remembering of course that some animals are more equal than others.

Obama talks only to Marx. Never forget that.
 

If he did talk to us I'd ask him if his head was okay after bonking it on Navy One.


 

I'd also ask him if he gets royalties whenever his image is used (cause that would be whack!)



thanks to sneakerobsession.com









thanks to jessica's well for this one (way to go Theo)





etc. etc. etc.
 

Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.

Commissar, it might have been the most accurate representation of the man, you just forgot to bend him to the left. Great, now Im have to go back to the denounce thread.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.

And I saw how some capitalist took your idea and is making a profit off it. Head O State? Remember?
 

Commissar Theocritus

Some while ago I did virtually the only Photoshop thing that I've done, which was to make an Obama dildo. Since it seemed to shock everyone I deleted it. But who knows? Its time may come. The Obama dildo may rise.

Probably a great idea. Unfortunately it would undoubtedly sell.
 

And here is is:

 

I'm feeling the fierce urgency of "yuck."
 

I'm having a Men in Black II flashback.

Theo, Can you attach that to his O'lyness' shoulder?
 

Now all we need is The People's Butt-plug (or PTC Freshness Saver) with the likeness of The One and we'll be GTG!

-OV
 

Ah, yes, Commissar, I remember that thing with tremendous nightmares!
 

Those are going to be in the gift bags for the Oscar judges. Also small ones are being made for swizzle sticks at the next David Geffen party.

Next is one with an operating system which changes the expression of His O'liness as the action gets hot and heavy.

And I like the idea, Reiuxcat, of attaching them to shoulders. Instead of epaulets in the soon-to-be-required uniforms of the Progressive Goons.
 

Why not, instead of shoulders, attach them to foreheads like a sort of unicorn thingummy. Surely Nancy Pelosi would look ravishing with such a protuberance.
 

Rex, I quite like your idea. How about attaching them to the foreheads of all progressive congressthings? That way when they meet they can give a new meaning to sniffing butts.

But it might make Media the Lapdog jealous.

Nansky, with that as a horn on her head, would be a double threat at the Rancho you know--the Hildo Hydra 7.0 would get jealous.
 

And when a new member is initiated into the tribe he can receive his ceremonial headpiece; whereupon all the members will come together and gently touch headpiece to headpiece in a primitive display of rudimentary clannishness. Of course, were two males to argue over an issue they would square off and, rushing together with great velocity, ram their headpieces together repeatedly until the older, craftier beast be driven from the field by the young, more energetic male; whereupon he would be marginalized by the tribe, grow ill, and eventually weeded out and hunted down on the salt flats by Allosaurs.


 

Is that the allosaur pack led by Our Many Titted Empress? She is queen of the velociraptors too, you know. She's trained them to pluck out the wallet before going for the throat.
 

Rex, now that you mention it, those dinosaurs advancing over the plain remind me very much of some Senators when they get into a group.

What does Hilton Head look like?
 

LOL. Ted Kennedy and the other members of congress take down a weary tax payer, next on Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Kingdom."
 

Ah yes. We could have Sigorney Weaver make a movie of the Senators: Gorillas in the Canadian Mist.
 

Comrades my shovel is blunt but I put it at your collective disposal.
 

Welcome, Comrade Reecant. We can use all able-bodied people in the Collective. And people who are not able bodies are of use too. Don't think too much about what that means. You won't find it comforting.

Leave your scruples at the door for they are of no use to a Progressive for Progressivism is larger than you.

And the world has a lot more money and power than you do too, and that's why we're all here.
 

Commissar Theocritus

Welcome, Comrade Reecant. We can use all able-bodied people in the Collective. And people who are not able bodies are of use too. Don't think too much about what that means. You won't find it comforting.

Leave your scruples at the door for they are of no use to a Progressive for Progressivism is larger than you.

And the world has a lot more money and power than you do too, and that's why we're all here.

It is true Commissar Theocritus, Scruples are expensive and my rations are stretched, and I need to be getting my shovel fixed, first things first. Will we be holding any meetings in the People's Park? Ah Moscow in the Winter it is like Spring in Siberia.


 

DANG! Gorky Park. I'd forgotten about that gem.
 

What is that animal on William Hurt's head? I thought that all the armadillos went elsewhere.

Yes, Reecant, there will meetings in the Peoples' Park. We love the Peoples' Park. It is very big and has lots of places where you, or we, can lose things.

Just so you'll know.
 

Yes Commissar, the People's Park has a long history of lost "items." It is almost as "unlucky" as the People's Hotel™, where people check in, but they don't check out.
 

I will not shovel. I have humans do the shoveling.

Since we penguins have created what you humans call Communism (among other things, like monarchy, democracy, rock'n roll, hamburgers, George Patton and the Ford T -the first two were created to simply annoy and confuse the feeble human mind) and we know that, while everyone is equal, some are more equal than others, all the humans who have not yet embraced the true glory of Communism will be forced to shovel with... spoons.

Only if you prove to be a proper comrade you will be allowed to shovel with a shovel.
 

Watch it, Guin, or you'll be shoveling the sea with a spoon. Which will be a hell of a lot better than paying back Nanners' and His O'liness' trillion-dollar Porculus.