Greatest Hits

The People's Classics

A collection of more equal political satire editorials in no particular order

Flat Fatima - Revolution In News Photography

Having learned of the growing trend at Reuters, BBC, and other progressive media to doctor photographs, stage events, and use choreographed footage in the best Pallywood traditions, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment center decided to make it even easier for news organization to re-educate their audiences and advance the Greater Good™.

Laminated on 5mm corrugated plastic board
Water resistant, durable for short term outdoor use
Great for quick mounting in the ground
No Photoshop required!
Fits most popular models of travel bags

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Fun With Quotes: Interactive Collective Quiz

Warning: some questions are more equal than others, and some answers will make you want to slap yourself upside the head with a shovel.

TAKE THE QUIZ >>

Historians: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Was Overreaction

Europe 's view of the present Israeli offensive against Hezbollah as an "overreaction" and "disproportionate use of force" is rooted in relatively recent history, say progressive researchers. In 1943, Europe itself suffered from a similar Jewish overreaction to some controversial German policies, in an event known as the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, when Zionist radicals attacked the National Socialist German Workers Party that was loved by the German people for its far-reaching educational and social welfare services. In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government.

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The Socialist Brain of a Liberal Democrat

As promised in the previous post, Republicanism Linked To Disorder, we have prepared a composite sketch of a healthy Socialist. Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican .

Click on the map to see larger image!

Republicanism Caused By Disorder, Mutation

This composite sketch is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative mutation.Scientists have finally identified a fatal disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies. After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican s for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happen s to a that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment.

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"Offended Muslim Syndrome" Symptoms & Self-Help Groups

Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality. This has led to the creation of support groups and social networks that help followers of the Prophet Mohammed cope with the agony of learning about life outside of their immediate environment, offering assistance with technical resources, practical guidance, and strategies for early intervention and punishment of those who offend Islam.

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Anthropogenic Continental Drift: An Incoherent Truth

Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again. A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.

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Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End

Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct."Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week."

"My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago."

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Jihadists Against Bag Searches

If you want to print this picture click here for a bigger and cleaner version.A new civil rights group is fighting a shameful practice: bag searches in the New York City subways that are infringing on the rights of suicide bombers to kill and maim hundreds of New Yorkers. The group that calls itself Jihadists Against Bag Searches distributed flyers today to straphangers (image, left), warning them of the erosion of civil liberties in America.Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?"

"They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties...

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Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities

In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty years ago, Congress has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities. The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state.

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BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan

Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by "accident"? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?
Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!

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ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off

When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off?Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition...

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New Spirit of Municipal Randomness

Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness

New York firefighters randomly douse one house per neighborhood per week. Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions. Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves."

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Most people know that Americans benefit from

high taxes
powerful unions
limited consumer choice
strong government control

But most people lack the training to fully understand why we derive benefits from these policies, and why government control over public anything results in unsurpassable quality (transportation, education, health, etc.).To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.

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We at the People's Cube have developed a technology that emulates the thinking of the NYT writers. With just one mouse-click, without paying a dime at the newsstand, you can now generate an instant NYT headline that will brighten your day and ruin it for the capitalist pigs. Just look at this list of Top 10 NYT Headlines we have generated with this technology:

Click here to generate your own progressive NYT headline >>

The Alternative Secret History of the World

On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.

Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.

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The picture above, taken off the government website EarthDay.gov, documents the punishment that a coalition of progressive activists imposed on the neo-imperialistic criminal George Bush as part of International Earth Day celebration April 22nd.
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In related Earth Day news:
Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press

Following up on our earlier interview with Al Gore, a TPC correspondent went to Moscow and met with the reanimated Leader of Workers and Peasants, Vladimir Lenin.

Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window.

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US Military To Use Democrat Attack Strategies In Iraq

BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday.

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Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!

It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog

Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.

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Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution

Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites: Corn ethanol based GLOBAL WARMING VODKA!

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Rush Limbaugh Discovers Tomb of Rugged Individual

On the heels of James Cameron's discovery of a tomb with the remains of Jesus came an announcement by talk radio host Rush Limbaugh that he had discovered a coffin with the remains of another historical character that many social scientists consider a mythical creature - the Rugged Individual. But while Mr. Cameron's findings strike at the heart of the basic tenets of Christianity, Mr. Limbaugh's discovery is meant to strike at the very heart of progressive faith that denies the existence of a self-sufficient Individual who can survive without the government handouts, regulations, and oversight.

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Al Gore's Oscar/Nobel Acceptance Speech (Draft)

The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech:

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One Man's Reuters Is Another Man's Al-Jazeera

Who hasn't heard that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - a relatively moral axiom employed by Reuters and other progressive news agencies? Very few, however, realize that it was modeled on an earlier idiom - "one man's trash is another man's treasure" - which, being a legitimate pearl of people's wisdom, lends some of its gloss to Reuters' counterfeit product. We like to call it "truth by association": if it sounds like what we believe is true, it probably is true. The propaganda value of this logical device cannot be overstated - but it must be handled with caution, lest someone writes: "one man's Reuters is another man's Party organ" or "one man's head is another man's hole in the ground." That's why, as a public service, we are offering an exercise designed to teach the masses to generate quality "truths" in bulk and on the fly, without thinking. One man's truth is another man's invention, everything is a matter of opinion, and one man's opinion is another man's truth.

PLAY THE GAME >>

Hillary's Presidential Message (Reading Btwn The Lines)

Highlights:

- Every American deserves a free rationing coupon
- One sack of beets and potatoes a month for the middle class
- It's not your money, it's the government's
- The Constitution just doesn't cut it anymore
- Put an end to Bush's economic boom
- We need Central Planning and one-party rule
- You will love my five year plans
- Terrorists? Let's chat

WATCH VIDEO >>

Colleges to Allow Terrorist Recruiters on Campus

Since the initially successful effort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime. The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries.

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Wedding Bells & Whistles (Literally Wedding Them)

Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions. "This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get my toaster registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," Punchenko says.

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Latino Groups Praise Taco Bell For E. Coli

Activists of several Latino advocacy groups hailed the recent E. coli outbreaks at Taco Bell restaurants as "the biggest success yet in reclaiming Aztlan culture on the territories occupied by the American invaders." Groups as La Raza, MEChA, Organization for the Liberation of Aztlan, and other advocates for the restoration of a legendary Chicano country called Aztlan, are celebrating victory. "Mexican people across North America can finally get fast food just like back home," said Margarita Cagada, executive director of the New Jersey state chapter of La Raza. "On behalf of all Hispanics everywhere, La Raza praises Taco Bell for its loyalty to diversity and the promotion of Chicanismo within the community."

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Muslim-Friendly TV Line-up & Permissible Music

Once the Democrats take charge in January, bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to Sharia Law pretty quick. It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up:

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The New Progressive Bible

The Organic Garden of Eden
Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
Jonah Saves the Whale
David Appeases Goliath
The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
Judas The ACLU Lawyer
Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes

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Thanksgiving With A Space Alien

Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.

His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.

"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"

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Michael Moore's Pledge - Revised and Improved

Having read Michael Moore's pledge to disheartened Conservatives, we felt that its seemingly unthreatening tone might anger our radical base. They didn't endure all the fighting and the sacrifice so that they could watch a millionaire barrel of lard doing curtsies to the class enemy. The People have spoken out - and they want blood! They have spoken out for purges, show trials, long prison sentences, and mass deportations. They want shakedown, expropriation, and redistribution.

Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside. Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™.

Therefore, we hereby announce People's Contest for the translation of Michael Moore's Pledge into a language that the radical masses can understand

Purported Democrat Tape Vows To Continue Jihad

WASHINGTON, DC (TPC) -- A purported audio recording by a Democrat chieftain vows to step up the group's fight against the GOP, saying, "We haven't had enough of your blood yet." The 20-minute recording was posted Friday on a Web site used by Democratic activists and the speaker is identified as Nancy Pelosi, who takes over leadership of the US Congress after Dennis Hastert resigns in January. Calling President Bush a "lame duck" the speaker tells Bush not to "run away as your lame defense secretary ran away," referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who resigned Wednesday.

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BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff

The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts.

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Apple Mecca: Open Letter to Radical Muslim Politburo

Dear radical Muslim comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could ever have in the great patriotic war against American Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship, even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate insult to Islam (because it resembles your big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane, it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how good allies treat one another. Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions.

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Polish Comrades Modify The People's Cube To Their Needs

Our site has received an angry letter from Poland complaining about the unnecessary complexity of the People's Cube puzzle. "Despite your claim that this 'ultimate egalitarian tool' guarantees equal outcome for all players, after two weeks of strenuous efforts we gave up resolving the puzzle," the letter states, concluding that "something must be fundamentally wrong with the puzzle itself." The letter, signed by Slawomir Sierakowski, editor-in-chief of the Polish "Krytyka Polityczna", organ of the progressive wing of the Communist Party of Poland, indignantly criticizes us for misleading the masses into a "sinister bourgeois trap" of believing in a "competition with a human face."

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Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote

In the view of some historians, the Pope's recent apology to enraged Muslims over use of a quote written by Manuel II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a striking similarity with a similar apology delivered more than 600 years ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself to offended Muslim armies after they ransacked his Christian country, converted its citizens to Islam, and beheaded or enslaved those who resisted the forced conversions. In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity."

MORE (and don't miss our 3 min video at the bottom) >>

Prominent Muslims: Why Do They Hate Us?

by Dr. Salima al-Kurgman

Muslims protesters: "Is it because we didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because our lousy plastic recycling program?"Ever since the confrontation between the West and Islam began, the question "Why do they hate us?" has been topping the Frequently Asked Questions charts among Western leaders and intellectuals, tormenting minds and souls of the Western populace prone to introspection. Considering the magnitude of the problem, we have assumed that the same question similarly torments the minds of prominent Muslims in the lands of Islam. And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?"

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Frequently Asked Questions

While it is true that different sets of FAQ exist for various practical purposes, a study conducted at the non-partisan Karl Marx Treatment Center has shown that if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must look exactly as follows. (It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.)

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McCartney Apologizes For 9/11 Song "Freedom"

Songwriter in 'ongoing self-criticism' after apprehension on suspicion of pro-AmericanismNew York -- Giving in to public pressure, singer and composer Paul McCartney issued a statement on Monday, apologizing to the progressive artistic community for his "pro-American lyrics and compulsive right-wing behavior" in the days immediately following the 9/11 attacks in New York City, when he organized Concert For New York and performed the "ill-conceived" patriotic song called Freedom. "I don't know what came over me," says McCartney, 64, who was widely criticized by peace activists as a "pro-war Beatle" for writing and singing a jingoistic tune containing such lines as "I will fight for the right to live in freedom. " In his statement, McCartney acknowledges that he had been experiencing "right-wing sentiments" for several weeks following 9/11. "Please know from my heart that I am not a patriot. I am not a even an American," he said.

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The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition...

Lack of federal funding leads to downsizing of Solar System
Small planets helpless against competition
Growing disparity among planets raises moral questions
Pluto & Me: Michael Moore stands with the little guy
Most "dwarfs" will not survive harsh winter
Republicans deny aid to Pluto amidst growing concerns for the future of trans-Neptunian objects
Poll: Most Americans think that black holes are discriminated against

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Conflict in The Middle East: A Progressive History

From the beginning of time, there was a place called "Palestine" which was inhabited exclusively by the biggest gift to humankind: Palestinians. Their culture flourished, their peaceful people prospered, and their model nation was to become the jewel of the world. Their language was Arabic, their religion was Muslim (pronounced "MOOZ-lem"), but regrettably, all evidence of their governments, their currency, their laws, their scientific, technological, philosophical, and artistic accomplishments were destroyed. By whom? Keep reading.

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Homeless Depot: A Moral Alternative

Home Depot, the nation's largest home-improvement chain, was accused in a Federal lawsuit today of discriminating against the homeless. "The very existence of Home Depot is offensive to the sensitivities of people without homes," says Nadine Strossen, head of the ACLU who filed the case, adding that the word "home" itself smacks of racism, bigotry, and intolerance and thus should be treated as hate speech. The suit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of seven homeless people, some of them of color, squatting in an abandoned building next to the Home Depot parking lot in the Coney Island area of New York.

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Al Zarqawi: Advancing Progress No More

Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration.

RECOMMENDED HEADLINES
FOR PROGRESSIVE MASS MEDIA:

Why right-wing extremists cheer Zarqawi's death
Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many think so
Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly - what have US marines done wrong lately?
Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum to open in University of Colorado at Boulder
FCC bans "dancing Zarqawi" iPod commercial
Cameron Diaz gets a cool Zarqawi tattoo

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Who Are They?

They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat...
They crossed the border risking life and limb...
They get paid peanuts...
They do jobs others refuse to do...
Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect...
They live crammed together in substandard conditions...
They rarely see their families...
They have to learn a foreign language and culture...
They recognize only one flag...

WHO ARE THEY?

CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT >>

Jorge Washingntonez Crosses The Rio Grande

The flag-waving U.S. traditionalists suffered yet another setback in the so-called "culture wars" last week, when a group of recording artists announced that they had produced a new Spanish-language version of "Star-Spangled Banner." Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place.

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Kids-4-Gas: Trade Your Nagging Brat For A Full Tank

Abu Salim, Exxon station manager: "Moms have no problem dumping off one of their kids in return for a month of fill ups."LOS ANGELES -- Since local gas stations began accepting children as payment for a month's worth of gas last Saturday, thousands of enthusiastic moms have already dumped off their annoying kids at the pump and took off to the mall with tanks full of gas. The new Kids-4-Gas program, successfully introduced by LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, is meant to ease the burden on poor families while simultaneously fix most logistical problems related to overpopulation.

"With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska."

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Skools: Insider's View of the Revolution

Real pictures taken by a real student at Marilla Carillo High School in Santa Rosa, Ca. (at the corner of Calistoga Rd., and Montecito Blvd.)

Written and photographed by Comrade Betty, a bona fide student of that school

I am your average revolutionary public skool student who dreams of living in equality with everyone else in Amerika - never worrying about finding a job, or advancing my career, or being fired - just like the French. I owe much of my aspirations to my teachers who have enlightened me and shown me the way to the glorious servitude of communism. The best part of it is that it requires absolutely no thinking. Who needs thinking if the entire universe has already been revealed to me, conveniently sliced and packaged, in my teachers' easy, educational bumper stickers? Memorize them all - and you're ready for adulthood. I even took some pictures to share with you - and also to keep them with me after I leave skool, because if I forget what they said I'll be left without any moral guidance, and that's scary.

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April 15th Is Near! Have You Claimed Your Penguin As Your Dependent?

This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.

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Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution!

When a commissar knocks on your door at 3:00 in the morning and you need to get ready for a boxcar trip to Siberia, nothing will wake you up better than a hot cup of strong Marxism Coffee! Engrish.com that published this image points at "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." This coffee mix from a Korean shop in China, however, is neither humorous nor is it a mistake. We have always been using Marxism Coffee while writing our People's Cube reports. Now, would you also like to see the other side of the package?

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Immigration A Class Struggle; Assimilation A Thoughtcrime

There are many excellent ways for us to destroy capitalist America - and progressive immigration policies are among the best ones. The key word is progressive. The traditional, non-progressive immigration of bourgeois wannabes and capitalist bootlickers will only strengthen this last refuge of world capitalism - just like traditional education, media, and economic policies will make it stronger. Only progressive immigration, education, media, and economics will help us achieve the cherished goal of America's demise.

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Islamic People's Fools Day

The Party frowns on political humor and satire unless it (1) help advance class struggle (ridicule the enemy and reveal the follies of capitalism; and (2) help the masses resist oppression while raising awareness (see Doonesbury, Jon Steward, etc.). While joking, one must always err on the side on caution - for "humor" is, by its nature, connected to the archaic bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox thinking." Humor is often indistinguishable from lies - and we know that the concept of lies was invented by the ruling class of oppressors as a tool to deceive and exploit the oppressed (see Karl Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses").

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Lenin Beats Up Protesters In Belarus Capital

MINSK (Reuters) - Belarussian police on Friday broke up a days-old opposition rally mounted in protest against President Alexander Lukashenko's re-election, detaining about 200 demonstrators in an early hours swoop.

We can tell you privately on condition of absolute confidentiality that Comrade Lenin is currently traveling in Belarus collecting information on the successes of building communism in this last Soviet stronghold of proletarian dictatorship. Judging by this news, progress is being made every day as more enemies of the people are getting arrested. Remember - the fewer people remain at large, the larger slice of the common cake the remaining ones will get. This alone is a good incentive to denounce counter-revolutionary neighbors and colleagues.

Have you beat up a protester today, comrade?

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Google Purges The People's Cube Worldwide

Open letter #2 to Google from the People's Cube
(posted on Google.com Help Center at 8:30pm on March 10, 2006

Dear comrades at Google:

At some point, quite recently, our popular site "The People's Cube" (ThePeoplesCube.com) was purged from Google search results. MSN , Yahoo and other search engines still have it - but Google has erased/blocked any link to the site in its database. One can still find links to us from other sites - but not even one from Google to ThePeoplesCube.com. We tried American, French, German, British, Australian, and Russian versions of Google - they used to give us traffic only a few days ago - but all we got was the same line in various languages...

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Case Of Backward Evolution: New Hope For Democrats

Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend overProgressive researchers and politicians alike are encouraged by last month's discovery of a genetic mutation that reverses human evolution to its starting point. Those affected by the Backward Evolution Syndrome (BES) walk on all fours and speak a primitive language. The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong.

"Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes."

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Bush Finds Cheap, Non-Addictive Energy Source

Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States.

The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.

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Iraqi Group Demands Withdrawal of Western Moonbats

In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell."

The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.

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Socialized Healthcare: No Drugs For The Useless!

A foreign report from Dr. Fuku, on assignment in Europe

Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs!"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our Cities? As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way...

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Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism

We can withstand your guns and tanks, but please, kill us all before you inflict more sensitivity training!The War on Terror has entered a new successful stage once the US field commanders began to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the US Army increasingly faces on a daily basis.
One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." Even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!"

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Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others

Hare Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks and dissing while working our asses off at major airports for little or no pay. Enough is enough! We demand state-enforced conversions and equal redistribution of faith and donations!"

The French Muslim riots, caused by an uncontrollable reaction to poverty, racism, and a profound sense of alienation from the larger society, have recently inspired some American groups who share very similar grievances, to use mass violence as a means of gaining recognition and respect.

As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents.

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ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split?

Rumors of a possible split between leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been fueled by an increased chatter level over the past few weeks, as follows from these interoffice memos obtained by our field operative at ACLU headquarters, 125 Broad Street in New York.
* * *
From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters

Dear Sir:
In your videotaped statement broadcast by al-Jazeera Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri looks like a respectable statesman who appreciates reasonable dialogue. As such, we hope you will address our grievances for the sake of our common goal, which we know you still believe in...

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E-indictments

E-indictments are sweeping the nation! Criminalize your neighbor, spouse, boss, co-worker, or a mere stranger with E-indictments! Most cards are free, some are reserved for Party members only. Every card sent helps eliminate an enemy of the people. Note: cats, dogs, and most barn animals cannot be indicted. To have a public enemy of your choice indicted you must first give a contribution to the Democratic Party campaign. Terms of confinement may vary. Not valid in all Red States.

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God Yields to Angry Left, Distributes Disasters Equitably

"The vigorous campaign led by human rights groups accusing God of favoritism towards Western countries and of unfair distribution of natural disasters that targeted minorities has caused God to reconsider His ways," God's spokesman announced yesterday at a press-conference held by an international clergy group representing Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. "This summer's unusual flooding in Europe and two devastating hurricanes in the USA serve as a proof of God's reconstructed, more equitable, and politically correct approach to weather patterns," the spokesman said...

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Cafepress.com Censors The People's Cube

On Oct. 9th I created a section in my Cafepress.com online store with T-shirts featuring a black and white picture of a hairy skull wearing a beret and a caption saying, "Che is dead, get over it." On the following day Cafepress removed these products from my store even though someone has already ordered and paid for a shirt. They referred to copyright infringement as an excuse.
I understand and respect the copyright law, but did I really violate it? Here's my letter to Cafepress.

Dear Content Usage Associate,
A picture of a hairy skull in a beret that I drew myself as an artist can not be an infringement of anyone's copyright. I assure you it isn't even Che Guevara's skull...

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Let's Do Imperialism Right

$.$. Halliburton's simple plan to continue Imperialism apace, strengthen Capitalist class at the expense of the oppressed, ensure its political hegemony, and put a damn pretty penny in each and every one of his bank accounts.

As every right-wing fascist knows, democracy is cumbersome and inefficient. Try to get something accomplished and you find yourself butting heads with every unwashed, uncouth commoner who has no conception of what's good for Class, Empire and the world...

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Attention progressive, socialist, liberal, pacifist, anarchist, feminist, or environmentalist debaters! Whether you are fighting class enemy over the Internet, in school, or at your parent's house over dinner, this tool is for you. No more awkward mumbling or looking for the right word! Just enter your ideological opponent's name and generate a Progressive Truth that will render your enemies speechless!The People's Research Institute (PRI) has found a way of stopping right-wing ideology in America and ending our losses at the ballot box: we need to face our opponent's "facts" and "logic" by learning how to frame the debate. The Progressive Truth GeneratorT will help you to set the terms of debate on issues in your favor and quickly terminate all discussion!
This research is ongoing.

We encourage you to submit your favorite debate framing elements for the following groups: "adjectives," "nouns," and "'because' statements" HERE >>

Global Warming: Alaska Needs More Air Conditioners

Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day.Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism.

"Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!"

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Iran Nuke Destroys Cleveland, Nobody Cares

Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city."With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things.

"Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"

In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..."

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Chairman Dean's Message: Turn Up Volume

A careful analysis of today's political scene shows that people are not hearing the Democrat Party's message. "Our message is right there, people just aren't hearing it," says the Party Chairman Dr. Howard Dean. "It's in our speeches, political ads, sympathetic radio and TV programming, friendly newspaper publications, progressive blogging, and mass emailing campaigns. Our (Democrat) message is clearly the only one that makes sense. So if we're still losing at the ballot boxes, that must only mean people aren't hearing us. Therefore, we need to make the same points, but make them louder."

Millions of dollars spent by the Democrats have done surprisingly little to familiarize Americans with their program....

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Jury Finds U.S. Constitution at Fault for Everything

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year."In the largest class-action suit ever, a federal jury has found the United States Constitution at fault for every problem faced by everyone, everywhere. The award, for over $2,000 billion, is equal to the entire federal budget. Of this, $500 billion will be for punitive damages - but most of it, $1,500 billion, will be for mental anguish suffered by the rest of the world.

"Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property...

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America Last!

Interview with Abdul Mendel, America Last League (while wearing a non-programmable tin hat)

"Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners."

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Public School Student Fails to Hang Himself

"Not enough funding," says teachers-union president

Schoolmates describe Joe as an impressionable 15-year-old New York kid with a heightened sense of social justice. So nobody was surprised at his yesterday's attempt to take his own life. "We live in the worst country of the world, ever!" says Joe's best friend Michael. "We kill, steal, enslave, and torture everybody! The ozone hole is growing and the rainforest is dwindling. If we don't suffocate and die of skin cancer by the age of thirty, global warming will finish us up anyway. The Western civilization did it, man. There's no point in anything anymore. When I come home from school I often want to kill myself too. I once tried to eat some deadly pills in my mom's medicine cabinet like I saw in a movie, but I couldn't read the labels."

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Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book

Violent protests erupted yesterday among faculty members on American and European campuses, accompanied by massive looting, flag-burning, and clashes with riot police, after Newsweek magazine published a report stating that a U.S. interrogator desecrated Das Kapital. The holy book of an estimated 1.5 billion world's Marxists was allegedly flushed down the toilet in order to humiliate and demoralize a progressive human rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne Stewart.

Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest...

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It is a matter of common knowledge that the path to a better future lies trough the creation of a gigantic number of progressive organizations, groups, fronts, initiatives, leagues, unions, centers, and movements. The number of existing ones is not nearly sufficient. Why? The logic is quite simple. If they were numerous enough, we would already be living in a better future, now wouldn't we?

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Adventures of Lenin in 2005, Part I

What does Lenin say to another Lenin when they meet in the time-space continuum? "My mummy can beat up your mummy!" Just kiddin', Vladimir. But seriously, remember what Herbert G. Wells told us in 1920 in the Kremlin as we discussed how time travel could help the revolution? He said, meeting your own self during time travel can be fatal. But hey, would you trust a Marxist? My guess is as good as yours. I say, screw the time-space continuum!

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International Workers Fools Day

Back in the 16th century, progressive French pagan and atheist activists who attempted to celebrate New Year in April, were ridiculed as "fools" and harassed by the reactionary Christian Church. A few dark, oppressive centuries had passed before the winning Marxist ideology unveiled the reality of April Fools!
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Flat Gareth

Unlike most high school students in his native Brooklyn, New York, Gareth knows exactly what he wants in life. Since the beginning of the war in Iraq, Gareth has joined every socialist, pacifist, feminist, pro-abortion, environmental, vegetarian, civil rights, or communist group on the Internet. He travels extensively to participate in as many anti-capitalist rallies as his modest student budget allows.

Conservatism is a fluke. But the liberal Left has opened before me an unlimited diversity of options. Any age, size, race, sexual orientation, you know? Teens, grannies, shaved, hairy, white, yellow, red, black, or brown. Wow!!!~ Gareth

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The Lumpenwagon: People's Housing and Locomotion Unit

We in the spirit of Socialist competition have liberated the People from the oil-carriages that the exploiters use to keep them in submission. The Lumpenwagon need only the fervent energy and motivation of the proletarians to propel it towards greatness!
We humbly petition The Central Committee to alter the next Five Year Plan to build these Universal People Transporters and free State resources for the armed struggle against war and imperialism.

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