Before adjourning for Christmas, Congress voted unanimously to recognize August 13th as National Left-Handers Day. The day has been unofficially celebrated by the National Left Hander's Club since 1996 and is also observed by several progressive evangelical denominations as the Feast of Leftus.

At a hastily convened news conference, Club spokesperson Ian Radburn hailed the vote as a symbolic but significant first step in raising awareness of Right Privilege, the difficulties and inconveniences of living in a right-handed world, and coming of age in a right-dominant culture and society.

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On this day - a non-religious, non-offensive, non-appropriated, seasonal holiday when all the stores are closed for some reason and everyone is off work but we don’t know why - let us reflect on something... or someone... that may or may not have meaning to you, depending on your level of privilege.

It is that time of year again, when we discuss how brown Jesus was and if he was an illegal immigrant. Comrades, this time, we have been vindicated. Earlier this year, a group of forensic medical artists, from the Progressive Institute of Fictional Biblical Technologies, decided on the definitive appearance of Jesus.

To our delight, Jesus is now determined to have been a scruffy, deep olive-skinned man of about 5’1” height...

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How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The People's Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas.

© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.

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Snopes.com, which brands itself as "the definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation," has recently made a claim that any stories about its alleged ties to the White House, as well as to Democratic activist groups and donors, are nothing more than "urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation." Snopes.com representatives made this statement at a recent meeting with Democratic activist groups and donors that happened at the White House.

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Michael Moore picketed Donald Trump's New York tower with a sign, 'We are all Muslim,' then published a letter criticizing Trump for his call to ban Muslims from entering the U.S.

Donald Trump later joined the picket with his own sign, reminding Moore that, first off, they are both millionaire property owners.

When asked whose message they find more appealing, most passers-by sided with Trump, saying that they'd rather be millionaire property owners than Muslims.

A media poll taken five minutes later shows that Trump's rating has grown to a new record high because of this interaction.

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I recently came across this photo of Obama in the wilderness and it reminded me of a classic 1872 painting titled "Christ in the Wilderness" by Ivan Kramskoy (from the Motherland, of course). The similarities are striking. But the striking similarities also point to striking differences. 

- Christ looks unglamorous, disheveled, and doubtful - while Obama looks sleek, glamorous, and determined.

- Christ loves mankind and quietly suffers for its sins - while Obama hates mankind for its carbon emissions and publicly suffers for the environment...

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Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, formerly known as Boris and Natasha, had changed their looks, names, and religion to make a new future and escape the harassment by Rocky and Bullwinkle. The Fearless Leader joined the U.S. Department of Justice, making sure that Rocky and Bullwinkle be held responsible for disrupting any of Syed's and Tashfeen's activities. 

Syed became a government health inspector to pay the bills, since bomb-throwing didn't bring much income. That allowed him to inspect many soft targets in the area unobstructed. Tashfeen stayed home making bombs, plotting, and communicating...

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President Obama addressed the nation today from Chipotle Grill, stating that "viruses and bacteria are woven into the fabric of our country since founding" and asking Americans to restrain from Virusophobia. "If we begin to complain about vomiting, if we hate diarrhea - that's not American. That's not who we are," the President said, pledging to bring thousands more viruses and bacteria into American neighborhoods by the end of his presidency.

Speaking to the audience at the Virus and Bacteria Advocates' dinner, Lynch said her "greatest fear" is the "incredibly disturbing rise of anti-Virus rhetoric" in America and vowed to prosecute anyone guilty of advertising anti-bacterial hand soaps, bleaches, and other household cleaners.

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Reminiscent of Richard Nixon's "I am not a crook" statement, President Obama's "I am not insane" address to the nation was meant primarily to reassure Americans that he is not, in fact, insane.

The President delivered his "I am not insane" speech days after his prior inadequate address to the nation had failed to calm the country's fears of the terror threat, but instead had caused many Americans to doubt President Obama's ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.

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Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live on in our memories with hashtags, awareness ribbons, and candlelight vigils - America was attacked. While we haven't yet ruled out the naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan, we must be careful not to jump to hasty conclusions for what might have been an act of workplace violence.

We were at peace with Japan and, at the solicitation of its government, we were in conversation with them looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the U.S. and his colleague were negotiating a performance of James Taylor's You've Got a Friend with Secretary of State Kerry. While this may appear suspicious, we must not blame the entire Japanese Empire for the actions of a few...

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UPDATE: now debunked by Snopes.

A Charlie Brown Christmas, a recent holiday tradition with strong Christian undertones, celebrated its 50th Anniversary on ABC Family last night. The program suffered low ratings, as it has for the past few years, but that is not what has upset many watchdog groups that frantically blew their whistles shortly after the start of the 50th premiere.

Before the opening scene and after every commercial break, ABC Family used a disclaimer warning audiences of potentially "offensive and dangerous" religious content found in the dialogue of the program, similar to the disclaimers seen on adult shows that warn viewers of graphic content...

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Confirming the suspicions of the world's intelligence community, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced today that it had completed work on a doomsday weapon capable of destroying the world. Revealing the weapon on the ISIS Twitter feed, the terrorist group included a picture of what appeared to be a makeshift coal-fired power plant, along with the caption "All will come to Allah or go to Allah."

Asked about the credibility of ISIS threats to unleash the weapon that can result in a world-wide famine, drought, and the drowning of coastal cities...

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Meeting with his supporters this Tuesday, the self-proclaimed socialist Bernie Sanders who is running for president on the Democratic Party platform, told the audiences that his policy of confiscating money from the richest one percent of Americans will allow him to fundamentally transform not just the United States but the entire world, including the Moon.

"Obama's mistake was that he started his fundamental transformation with America, when he should've started with the Moon," said Sanders to a thunderous applause. "We are not going to repeat the same mistake again."

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While Donald Trump was likely exaggerating the number of Muslims celebrating at one event, it doesn't change the fact that 9/11 celebrating happened, people saw it, and police investigated. Even one celebrator is one too many. However, the combined stories indicate that altogether there was much more than one. 

A former FBI agent states that he received "stacks and stacks" of complaints about Muslims celebrating. (By the way, defenders of Islamic Thinkers Society call stomping of the flag "free speech," but so is "celebrating from the rooftops." Why would progressives be concerned about debunking the latter, but not the former?)

Let's analyze the larger point that Trump was trying to make...

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8 things that work better than thoughts and prayers

Every time we suffer the consequences of climate change and hateful GOP rhetoric, Republicans always respond by offering "thoughts and prayers." The Party has decreed that Thoughts and Prayers do not address the problem, and only highlights how little Republicans care about anything.

So what does work more effectively than Thoughts and Prayers? Presented below, for your consideration, are just a few of The Party's tried and true methods for showing how much more we care than they do. 

1. Awareness Ribbons: 

Wearing an awareness ribbon shows everyone how much you care. When you see someone wearing an awareness ribbon, you know they care. 

Awareness ribbons come in different colors for different issues. Don't know what issue...

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Fellow Jihadists - are you lonely?

Want to meet that special person who you can die with in a glorious suicide in order to bring about the Caliphate?

Please download the new Islamic State approved dating app now.

Praise be Allah! Death to Canada!



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While in France today to tackle the real threat of global climate change, Team-Obama announced a new strategy that will immediately deal with serious issue of global warming and the less serious but more exaggerated threat of world-wide terrorism.

The Department of Defense along with the State Department has been working on a new weapon of war that will be deployed to the Middle East. The weapon, code named OBAMA-TONE, is the strongest sunscreen repellent known to man.

Hundreds of thousands of bottles of OBAMA-TONE are to be airdropped by American bombers into ISIS-held territories as early as next week. If the operation goes as planned the administration fully expects ISIS fighters to lay down their arms and lotion up their arms with the new global warming strength sunscreen.

Administration officials believe that glaring rays of uninhibited UV radiation have so angered those in the world's hottest regions that outrage over dark tan lines...

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Ex-scientist James Hansen, who abandoned science as "just another corporate lie" and resigned from NASA after his plan to send cats to the center of the earth was shot down, has published a new, shattering, on-the-eve-of-the-Paris-conference government-funded study in which he argues that Barack Obama is an all-wise ancient space alien sent to Earth many thousands of years ago by an all-wise race of ancient space aliens. 

"He is here from ancient alien space to save humanity from climate change at the Paris climate conference," said ex-scientist Hansen. "Just listen to the man talk...

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In a surprising but long overdue move, New York City Department of Education has decided to eliminate the teaching of English and English literature in the interests of Diversity™ and ensuring a Safe Learning Environment™ for The Children™. 

The Chancellor explained the move as an effort to eliminate an egregious and inherently offensive instance of Cultural Appropriation™. She said that on a recent Fact Finding™ mission to London, England, many of the English people she met stated that it was offensive to them that the language spoken in NYC was described as English and that to listen to it was akin to root canal surgery, with no anesthetic...

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In response to the latest string of terrorist attacks in Egypt, Paris and Mali, President Obama has vowed to "never, ever, ever" discuss terrorism anymore, stating that "if we acknowledge terrorism exists, then the terrorists will have won."

Speaking from the White House Press Room, the President gave an example of the Eagles of Death Metal, an American rock band whose concert in Paris became a scene of a bloody terrorist attack earlier this month.

"Those folks should have kept playing," he said. "When they stopped playing and ran for their lives, the terrorists won. I am encouraging all citizens: if you see anything suspicious, just ignore it and keep doing what you’re doing, or the terrorists will have won."

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These posters and stickers were plastered all over five major American campuses in the second week of November - two universities in D.C. and three in Southern California - making fun of local anti-Israel groups, Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) and Muslim Students Association (MSA), pointing out their support for Jew-hatred and violent jihad.

While the identities of those who designed the posters and put them up around the campuses can be neither confirmed nor denied, the responsibility for the campaign was claimed by the David Horowitz Freedom Center. In addition, FreedomPost.us posted a one-minute video with the posters (below) in their story, If You're A Hamas-Supporting Anti-Israel College In SoCal Or DC, These Posters Are On Your Campus.

The University of California Los Angeles newspaper, THE DAILY BRUIN, responded with an article, Offensive posters targeting SJP resurface on campus for third time. The UCLA couldn't wait to reveal its bias and went for the jugular already in the first word of the title. Rather than attempting to look into the MSA and SJP who like to harass Jews at UCLA, the article offered them the pulpit from which they predictably gunned for the messenger.

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These four older ladies who lived near Kiev, Ukraine, always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger. One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.

Never having been to, but having heard all about America, they just happened to click on St. Augustine, Florida. They read all about the Fountain of Youth. They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water.

As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed. The rest of this story will make you a believer, because here they are today...

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The following songs have been approved by Islamic State.

WARNING: Please keep in mind that you are not allowed to enjoy listening to these songs.

"The Great Allah Has Decided That I Am Unworthy Due to My Questionable Attire"

"Our Children, Our Future, Our Body Shields"...

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Our long-time friend Daniel Greenfield, aka Sultan Knish, emailed this picture to us with this comment: "Someone is selling this t-shirt, not sure if ironic or insane."

We are not entirely sure either, which is why we'd like to summon the kollektive brainpower of our Groupthink which by definition is infallible because the kollektive can never be wrong.

Take the poll above; post expanded answers below.

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Clinton's campaign went after L. A. Laugh Factory comedians for making fun of her, demanding the personal contact information of the performers and threatening to put the famed comedy club out of business if it doesn't take down the blasphemous online video with Hillary jokes.

In a new development later that night, Hillary campaign staffers organized a protest outside the comedy club, demanding to punish those responsible for insulting their prophet. Armed with RPGs and rocket launchers, they overpowered the scheduled performers, burned the Laugh Factory logo, and put Hillary Clinton on stage with the microphone...

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WASHINGTON, DC - As hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees are looking for a place they could run to from the war, many countries are closing their borders, resorting to a racist vetting process. President Obama, on the other hand, speaking from within the White Fortress, has promised to open America's gates to these unfortunate Mohammedan souls.

Just in time, a government-backed survey has determined that U.S. homeless shelters have long been abused by the country's poor, mentally disabled, drug and alcohol addicted, as well as by some war veterans, who have long overstayed their welcome.

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Why, it's such a smashing success that I can't help myself—I simply have to gush and gloat over the brilliance of it by recounting how it all came about! 

As you know, comrades, it's that time of year when people eat and spend money more than usual. When evils like exclusion, greed, acquisition, excess, family and unfairness—all couched between giving thanks to a mythical being and observing the birth of that mythical being's progeny—become the order of the season. 

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Speaking from the Kennedy Space Center, Bolden explained that the mission would be a bold attempt to accurately measure the geology and climate of the solar system's innermost planet. "I wish I could take credit for spearheading this initiative,” said Bolden, “but the mission specs came directly from the White House."

Comparing the sudden presidential interest in space exploration to President Kennedy's moon-landing speech, Bolden noted that high-level executive officials "have already provided an Atlas V rocket, fuel, and a capsule capable of sustaining an astronaut on the journey to Mercury."

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Barrow, AK - VampCon, an annual convention of the world's leading vampires, was disrupted today by activists from Blacula Lives Matter. Formed following the decapitation of Tara "True Blood" Thornton by Swedish vampire hunters outside of a St. Louis nightclub last April, Blacula Lives Matter often draws attention to black vampire slayings by interrupting accursed gatherings.

Dracula: Prince of Darkness, dressed in a black Armani suit and silk cape, was concluding his lecture on professionalism and decorum when the activists began yelling from the audience. As he admonished younger vampires for wearing excessive glitter lotion...

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We hope this chart will help the kollektive to overcome stage fright and become more successful in the climate debating scene. Let us reiterate the talking points:

1. Weather is what we can see and feel; climate is what the state and the prog-media tell us we ought to see and feel.
2. Weather is measured in traditional layman units; climate is measured in Progressive Thermal Units (PTU).
3. Weather historical data is public knowledge; climate historical data is classified, restricted to trained state climatologists only, and is subject to change without notice.

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In order to accommodate a growing population of religious minorities in America who engage in underage marriage, the children's toy store chain will offer a wedding registry service. The decision comes after toy maker Mattel announced its decision to begin supplying head coverings with next year's Barbie lineup.

"A company like Toys 'R' Us must remain nimble enough to adapt to a changing culture." offered the company's CEO. "We are simply trying to meet the demand of a growing segment of our population that does not adhere to traditional American mores...

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Democratic Party strategists will be pleased to know that the new update to ClintonOS is slated to be released before the start of the first CNN debate. The news comes as a sigh of relief for users who were worried about vulnerabilities in the previous version, which included numerous freezing issues when accessing accomplishment memory and making unfunny jokes that not even grandma would be stupid enough to crack. 

Over a third of the fixes found in the new update apply to speech and facial articulation software, filtering out ...

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New York, NY - The Rockettes have announced their intention to comply with the recent Supreme Court's ruling that exemptions must be made for employees whose religious obligations may conflict with employer dress code policies. 

Handed down earlier this year, the Supreme Court verdict required Abercrombie and Fitch to make a religious exemption for an employee who wished to wear Muslim garb in the form of a hijab, despite the fact that the company's policy explicitly prohibits the wearing of any headwear not sold by the chain of fashion outlets.


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A magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Get a free lifetime subscription today courtesy of the Democratic Party and the federal government!

IN THIS ISSUE:
· What, Me Responsible?
· Making Victimhood Pay Off
· Tricks for Turning Dislike Into Hate
· Making Your Behavior Immaterial
· It's the Society's Fault!
· Blame Your Parents? We can Help!
· Top 10 ways to get even

- Is everything sexist? Ask an expert!
- The Next Big Thing: Microaggressions

- EXCLUSIVE: Bryce Williams, 41, laments about his lack of sex and reminisces about his days as a $2,000-a-night gay prostitute.

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Is there life on Mars? If so, there are too many questions we must answer before we contemplate going there. Tough, progressive questions.

- Is there social justice on Mars?
- Is there an economy on Mars and if so, does it need regulating?
- Is there a community on Mars and if so, does it need community organizers?
- Are there genders on Mars and if so, is there gender equality for all 58 of them?
- Is there private property on Mars and if so, is there redistributive justice?
- Is there illegal immigration on Mars and if so, are there sanctuary cities?
- Is there Al Sharpton on Mars? ...

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I was hired as a graphic designer and I did my job well, recycling the original revolutionary poster by Dmitry Moor, one of the founding fathers of Soviet agitprop. Now that the book is out, here's my two kopecks.

This book has a lot of valid, factual information. At the same time, I remain skeptical about the theory that the breakup of the USSR was only a show so that the communists could take over the world by other means. Not that there aren't powerful forces bending the civilized world towards what they call "progress" (and what I call collectivist barbarism), but those are different people and different movements with different goals. I generally don't believe in conspiracies that require the presence of an undying, eternal, all-knowing, and superhuman brain - or in this case, community organizer.

I follow the developments in Russia very closely and one thing today's Russians couldn't care less about is Communism. To be sure, the Communist Party still has a strong presence there, but that's mostly because Putin is feeding the communists in order to appease the nuts and the old-timers. That is also part of Putin's strategy to shape and maintain his own opposition...

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A new study published by the country's #1 rank school of clinical psychology, UCLA's Dept. of Psychology, suggests a link between the high rate of suicide among alleged rampaging mass murderers and the stigma of being labeled, by mass media outlets, as a "crazed gunman."

The study shows that close to 100% of those who are labeled as a "crazed gunman" commit suicide within the first 24 hours after their alleged rampage and, very often, within the first 60 seconds. Some, it is suggested, commit "suicide by cop" in inexplicable and "out-of-character" gun battles with law enforcement.

The study suggests that fear of being stigmatized leads many of these alleged felons to end their own lives before...

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Six days of stock market losses that have erased trillions of dollars of global wealth are being taken as a sign that the Third Coming of Bush is nigh. Those gifted in the dark art of political prognostication have reportedly been awaiting this omen for many months.

Well-known oracle Karl Rove was the first to recognize the significance of the financial portent, tweeting "As it was in 1987, as it was in 2000, so will it be in 2016. Let the Third Bush come forth and the world tremble at his glory!"

David Brooks, Chief Conservative Augur for the New York Times, elaborated...

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THE HACKERS BEHIND the Ashley Madison breach have been contracted by the FBI to retrieve Madam Hillary's 35, 000 yoga emails that were scrubbed from her personal server. 

On the heels of being stonewalled and lied to by the former Sec. of State, the bureau has determined that a bigger batch of deletions were unretrievable unless true experts, such as the Ashley Madison hackers, were contracted to retrieve the wiped correspondences. 

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While the FBI is still at a loss regarding the content of Hillary Clinton's e-mail cache from her days as secretary of state, one thing they have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the Democratic presidential frontrunner is a diligent distance-education yoga student.

Emailing yoga routines are standard practice in distance education, said Mrs. Clinton's online yoga instructor Maha Bharata through an interpreter. He claims that over the years he has sent her over two hundred thousand Hindu-language emails with pictures of yoga poses, which constitutes 90% of the data that had been wiped clean from Clinton's personal server.

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A child has grown up not how you envisioned? An elderly parent becoming a burden? Have you considered a post-birth abortion? Scientists at the Barack Obama Women's Health Research Center have made an epic advancement in women's health, and the right to choose. 

Scientists have developed a method to allow abortions past the third trimester, as explained by the project's lead scientist, Dr. Hillary Sanders: "Until now, women were limited to aborting only their own fetus, and only during the first three trimesters before birth. Our laboratory has pioneered...

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Everybody knows that the People's Cube is gloriously red, which is politically correct and compliant with the Current Truth. It's impossible to imagine today what it would look like with all the confusing unequal colors. Imagining such a thing is inadvisable. All you need to know is that it's equally red.

All squares are equal, and all players are equal. Nobody is too smart, nobody is too slow. Guaranteed equality of results. A symbol of fairness and painless existence. Nobody's a boob with the People's Cube!

But it hasn't always been that way. In progressive humanity's past there was a hateful moment when a thoughtcriminal named Erno Rubik took the red Cube and colored every square unequally...

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Following the ratings success of Fox News in its presentation of the first Republican presidential primary debate, CNN has decided to mirror the GOP debate's formula and tone when it hosts the first of six Democrat Presidential debates in October.

Jeff Zucker, president of CNN, tipped his hat to Fox: "I have to admit that they did a fantastic job and really held the candidates' feet to the fire. I saw the numbers like everyone else did, and I want those ratings for CNN."

In a surprising twist, Fox News debate moderators threw hardballs...

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Snopes.com editor attacks messenger, shoots pianist, leading police to discovery of corrupt and fraudulent practices inside the organization.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Snopes.com owners were detained by police today after an unrelated investigation of a Snopes.com editor lead police onto a paper trail of corruption, bribery, and fraud at the very heart of the fact-checking organization. 

Evidence obtained by police has revealed that Snopes.com, which markets itself as "the definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation," has a history of accepting money and favors from left-leaning and pro-Islamic political groups for helping them to rig public discourse with selective fact-finding...

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A Polish town has recreated a statue of Vladimir Lenin, but with an unexpected twist: the leader of the world's toiling masses is shooting out a stream in what can appropriately be described as the People's Fountain of The Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

Let's call it a commie relief.

Of course, the leader of the proletariat is not always firehosing like a superhero, he can also be modest and rather democratically slow down his stream to the level of the average toiling worker and peasant.

Notice the concentrated look on his face: the Leader of the World Revolution seems to care very much about what he does and how he does it.

That reminds us of Dear Leader Obama's upturned face with his half-closed eyes focusing on the invisible stars above whenever he is on stage, as if he is mentally...

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A federal judge in San Francisco blocked the release of recordings made at meetings between Planned Parenthood and the Center for Medical Progress, an anti-abortion group that previously revealed secretly recorded videos which have sparked a heated national debate on the ethics and legality of destroying the chances of future Democratic candidates to make abortion a winning election issue as they have in previous presidential races.

Obama-appointed judge in, William H. Orrick III, issued the temporary restraining order on Friday, granting a motion filed by the DNC just hours before...

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GAINESVILLE, FL – Reading reports from a conference on white privilege held at the University of Florida, local immigrant Diana Yahaira Vasquez Alban, couldn't help but empathize with the pain and suffering of minority students and academic staff in American colleges, which appeared to be much worse than the poverty and crime she had experienced in her native South America.

"I had no idea that such discrimination existed in this country, and I feel bad for these poor people," said the 26-year-old Green Card holder from Peru, who was moved to tears by the coverage of the event in the UF's online student news...

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Usanga and Isranga were two villages deep in the heart of a dark continent. Usanga was a large village, much larger but some distance from the smaller village of Isranga. Usanga, being the larger village by far and filled with kind and compassionate villagers, protected the smaller but distant village of Isranga. Protection was necessary for the smaller Isranga because all around the countryside and completely surrounding the small village lived wild cannibals who insisted the people of Isranga had no right to exist and they tasted good.

The larger Usanga helped the smaller Isranga build and maintain a wall around their village to keep the cannibals at bay...

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Rudolph Hoess, family man and commandant of the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp, has been desperately trying to restore the camp's reputation after some damaging remarks by one of its doctors, Joseph Mengele, were caught on tape and posted online.

Dr. Mengele, who oversees medical services at the camp, was recorded casually speaking of a girl who was suffering complications as a result of HitlerCare. The girl, Eva Mozes Kor, complained of fever, trembling, and swollen limbs that resulted from a series of free government-funded injections. Mengele is seen on the tape laughing off the matter...

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DEARBORN, MI - The Muslim-majority City Council of Dearborn has quietly passed a new ordinance to ban the sale of alcohol within the city limits, also making the very possession of the substance a crime with a mandatory one year jail sentence and $6,000 fine if convicted.

The new law has been passed after years of pressure by the local Islamic community who have claimed that the very existence of such products is offensive and infringes on their religious and personal freedoms. Soon after the law passed, local Muslim community leaders declared the passing of the law a "victory over the Western oppression of Islamic culture." 

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People ask me all kinds of questions and I give them all kinds of answers. It is time I have my own "Ask a Comrade" column. Let's begin.

Q: Why does the Supreme Court decide what a recently passed law means? The people who wrote and passed the law are still around, why don't the authors get to say what it means?

A: That's just the American constitutional process. Which the framers didn't know about until the very first Supreme Court divined it hidden in the Constitution. This is called a ruling by divined right. Only judges, or better yet justices, can decipher the true meanings because they're encrypted in what they call the legal code. 

Then there's the Constitution. Being a living document, it needs doctoring.

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In the wake of embarrassing missteps by Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley on the campaign trail, the DNC announced that it has recruited the perfect candidate, one that can both mobilize the entire Democratic Party base and destroy any Republican that dares challenge.

The newcomer to the race, 42-year-old Geralda Hernandez-Brown was born as a male child to undocumented immigrant Maria Hernandez and a Georgia native, Theo "Pookie" Brown. In 2005 Gerald Hernandez-Brown underwent a sex change operation and now considers xyrself gender-fluid. 

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Planned Parenthood activists were reminded today of their organization's pro-Nazi roots when an unexpected supporter arrived today to join their rally, introducing himself as Adolf Hitler.

Sporting an iconic "drip pad" mustache, Mr. Hitler unfolded his hand-written sign in support of Planned Parenthood's founder, Margaret Sanger, assuring everyone that he is fully on the side of weeding out the unfit in order to create a cleaner race.

"I admire Margaret Sanger enormously, her courage, her tenacity, her vision," Hitler told the stunned onlookers. "Mrs. Sanger was a huge proponent of the forced sterilization program of the Third Reich...

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HARRISBURG, PA - On the heels of the Confederate flag controversy, the City Council of Harrisburg voted to permanently close the doors of the Civil War Museum last week.

This decision resulted in hiring a small workforce tasked with packing the delicate artifacts that have been held inside its walls for decades. The new temporary hires, however, were infiltrated by a group of activists disguised as workers, who took it upon themselves to destroy what they called "shrines to racism, bigotry, and hate."

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WASHINGTON D.C. - Dr. Reichlinger, the Obama-appointed czar of mental health, has released a paper suggesting that conservatism may be a form of mental illness, describing the observable symptoms of various mental disorders that blend together to create a conservative.

One such symptom, which resembles Tourette syndrome (TS), causes conservatives to blurt out racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and otherwise offensive ideas with little or no concern to the feelings of those who may potentially read their statements on the Internet or watch them later on YouTube.

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Following Barack Obama's official greeting to all Muslims wishing them a happy Eid-ul-Fitr, marking the end of the Muslim holiday Ramadan, we would like to also congratulate the Islamic lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two spirit, queer and intersex community (LGBTTSQI) in the U.S., around the world, and especially those living in Muslim countries.

This year the holy month of Ramadan coincided with the historic Supreme Court ruling instituting same sex marriages, which President Obama and the entire progressive community celebrated as #LoveWins...

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WASHINGTON D.C. - In light of the recent nuclear deal with Iran, President Obama has said that the event has sparked hopes for a peaceful resolution in Iraq and Syria with ISIS. Experts believe that this statement contains the language and aspirations that suggest the President thinks of the Caliphate as a legitimate nation. Obama even went so far as to take responsibility for its creation, saying that he succeeded where George W. Bush had failed - namely, he facilitated the building of a powerful new government in the Middle East.

"Putting aside some instances of violence and so-called extremism, the Caliphate has created a strong government...

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CHATTANOOGA, TN – Four United States Marines were killed when an apparent lone wolf gun attacked two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday. According to the FBI, the gun also murdered 24-year old peace-loving resident and sometime neighborhood dog walker Mohammod “Mo” Youssuf Abdulazeez.

Government sources confirmed that the gun was not on any watch list, and does not appear to have been aided. Investigators "have not determined whether it was an act of terrorism or whether it was a criminal act," FBI special told reporters...

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In addition to offering 51 gender options to its users, Facebook is also changing its male, female, and group icons in order to bring more fairness and equality among the 51 aforementioned genders. Thus, instead of the female appearing behind the male's shoulder, she is now in front of the male, which makes hers a more equal gender.

The female's new hairdo makes her look less like Darth Vader, and the group icon now features a third, metrosexual-haired silhouette that can be one of the remaining 48 genders. The Washington Post happily reports this revolutionary development as an important step towards eliminating cultural biases that have contributed to gender inequality.

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Please update your Bibles: Jesus loved the proletariat revolution and economic equality so much that he died on the hammer and sickle for our collective salvation from the chains of capitalist exploitation. His second coming is at hand; he will smite the bankers, the CEOs, and the money managers, and he will establish a workers' paradise here on earth, free of money, which is the devil's dung, and based on the materialistic principles of redistributive justice and the dictatorship of the proletariat.

Pope Francis calls profits "the dung of the devil." Do not believe capitalist propaganda that devil's dung can be fertilizer, but don't hesitate to grab it when it drops on your lap. 

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The Florida academic community was horrified by the incident and demanded that Johnson be kicked out of the university for his cowardly behavior. However, not everyone shared the same sentiment. A feminist group who call themselves "Radical Feminists of America" publicly defended Johnson, claiming that he is obviously someone who overlooks gender in his decision-making, as evidenced by the fact that he punched a 21 year old female, who was out celebrating her birthday, just as hard and with just as little restraint as if she were a man.

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Lawrence Williams, the African-American owner of Tasty Treats Bakery™ near Marietta, Georgia, has found himself in legal trouble for refusing to bake a cake for two gay customers. "It's not only against my religious convictions," said Williams, "but I can't bring myself to bake a Ku Klux Klan themed cake festooned with Confederate flags. I told them firmly, but respectfully, that I couldn't serve them, but that they should be able to find another bakery in the area that would."

However, that answer wasn't good enough for gay Confederate Civil War reenactors Chester McElroy and Delmont Elkins. "I can't tell you how hurt we was," lamented Chester. "All we wanted was a cake to celebrate General Forrest's birthday comin' up next week, and he done turned us down flat."

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We knew that Prague hosted a glorious Museum of Communism, but we didn't realize those comrades were also good at generating humorous propaganda similar to what is being heroically produced by the People's Cube Department of Visual Agitation.

The images were scattered all over the Internet, so the boys down in Visual Agitation spent quite some time collecting them from various sites and bringing them up to standard. This may well be the most complete online collection so far.

The museum's theme is "Communism - the Dream, the Reality, and the Nightmare." The immersive experience includes a historical schoolroom, an Interrogation Room, state-run factories, or the video clips in the Television Time Machine.

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Though months have passed since the Congressional Committee on Benghazi has subpoenaed Hillary Clinton's personal email servers, only to discover that they had been wiped clean, a team of national top experts in retrieving deleted digital information has now been able to restore much of the lost data, which, in addition to the evidence on Benghazi, resulted in other unexpected discoveries.

One gruesome find was an extremely disturbing email exchange between Mrs. Clinton and one Doctor Klopek, which prompted an independent criminal investigation leading to a discovery of a vast international crime ring.

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In a landmark 5-4 decision today in Obergefell v. Hodges, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation, have the constitutional right to marry, but limited the scope of its decision to only Americans with something to offer a partner. 

Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy noted that "by virtue of their exclusion from [the] institution [of marriage], same-sex couples are denied the constellation of benefits that the States have linked to marriage. Today we hold that such benefits may only be denied to pathetic single losers that don't deserve them anyway."

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HOUSTON, TX- Smoke choked the streets of the city of Houston yesterday as Islamic protesters gathered to oppose the Supreme Court's decision upholding gay marriage. Throughout the day members of the Muslim community prowled the city streets, tearing down LGBT flags from public buildings and private residences. A large pile containing hundreds of LGBT flags was burned later during a massive anti-gay-marriage rally.

Terrified residents hid in their homes and workplaces as a giant mob of over 3,000 Muslim men and women marched through the streets while pointing their fingers...

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Within 24 hours of the Trans-Pacific Partnership being signed into international law by Barack Obama, the The People's Republic of China has filed a 580 billion dollar lawsuit on behalf of National Lead Mining and Industries Association of China (LMIAC) against numerous American corporations and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, claiming that the ban on using lead in exported paint, children's toys, and pet food has caused billions of dollars in lost revenue in the past 37 years since lead was frivolously banned for use in products in the United States in 1978.


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Gettysburg, PA - Every year at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, thousands of reenactors gather at the hallowed battlefield to commemorate the turning point of the Civil War that lead the Union to victory over the Confederate States of America. Spectators from around the country come to see battles be authentically portrayed to honor the veterans of the Civil War.

But during the reenactment of the 152nd anniversary of the battle, members of a Confederate reenactment group were publicly ridiculed and physically assaulted by an organized flash mob of protesters...

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During an early morning interview on a southern California radio talk show, Senator Dianne Feinstein managed to outrage both the conservative and liberal parties when she made a questionable statement regarding medical marijuana and veterans of the U.S. Armed Forces. As a result, her approval rating has dropped an unprecedented level in only a single day.

Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Lexington, the host of 'Morning California' on PBS of Southern California, discussed current...

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On the heels of the removal of the offensive Confederate battle flag in South Carolina and elsewhere, let's take a closer look at South Carolina's offensive state flag as well - and at all the offensive flags in many other states that comprise the highly offensive United States.

Some moderates among us may settle for a compromise and propose to revise all these flags based on the former Soviet republics model, with hammers and sickles on the red field. We reject centrist solutions and demand that these flags be eliminated altogether, while the corresponding states merge into one...

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DEARBORN, MI - Following months of obstruction by state officials, the federal government intervened on behalf of a Muslim group who is outspokenly supportive of the Islamic State, to open the doors of a new Islamic youth outreach center in a lower-income area in the city of Dearborn. The facility will be run by Syrian-born Aisha Hani-Salaam, a recent immigrant and unapologetic supporter of ISIS. 

Hani-Salaam's frustration can somewhat be justified by the failure of his American neighbors to understand his clear and sincere message: convert, submit, or die by the sword. Time and time again...

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Jane, whose recollections of the fundraiser have been confirmed by other guests, says that Hillary Clinton blamed the impending overpopulation on "uneducated, lower-income families of everyday Americans who breed like rabbits without regard to the impact on society or the environment."

Quoting a leading American feminist and founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger, Mrs. Clinton promised the audience of affluent donors to "stop our national habit of human waste" and institute compassionate, pro-choice policies of eugenics to extinguish "the rising stream of the unfit" with mandatory, federally subsidized abortions among those everyday Americans whose combined household income was less than $75,000 a year.

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A dangerous new fad called the "Railroad Sign Challenge," where individuals steal a railroad crossing sign and post 'selfies' with it on the Internet, has been gaining momentum recently.

A growing number of people have claimed that the warning signs alerting drivers of a railroad crossing ahead "bare too much resemblance to the Confederate flag" due to the large 'X' in the design. The general purpose of this movement is to persuade Departments Of Transportation in various states to come up with a less offensive warning sign.

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Atheist activists have filed a lawsuit through the ACLU against the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) last week to have the Declaration of Independence removed from public viewing at the Capitol Rotunda. The activists maintain that a document with multiple references to God in its text prominently displayed on government property is completely 'unconstitutional' in addition to being highly 'offensive.' 

The claimants, a newly registered non-profit group, Organizing for Secular Justice, have issued a press-release with this explanation: "For far too long...

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Several special interest groups have come together to protest Father's Day as a day of discrimination, as it allegedly stacks the deck against those women who are unable to become fathers, as well against those men who have chosen not to. 

"It's like an annual poke in the eye," said one concerned citizen, who did not wish to be self-identified as a member of any particular orientation nor gender. "As Michelle Obama recently said, the time has come to reconsider our traditions...

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Today the Vatican released a highly anticipated Papal encyclical containing a carefully worded prediction of the imminent destruction of Earth's environment at the hands of wealthy countries and individuals. Titled "Laudato Si," ("Be Praised"), the new encyclical leaves little doubt that its author, Pope Francis, is attempting to bridge the widening gap between the boring and preachy Epistle of Jude and the still popular and hardcore Book of Revelation, while also courting a younger, progressive generation of Mother Earth worshippers by adding a cool new "Horseman of Global Warming" to the existing Doomsday scenario, bringing the total number of Horsemen of the Apocalypse to five.

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Naomi Friedan, who teaches science in a Sacramento high school, has published a guest article in The Washington Post, arguing that her students shouldn't learn about Isaac Newton because he's a dead, white male with questionable political views.

According to the teacher, she feels uncomfortable teaching Newton's laws of motion, universal gravitation, optics, and calculus because her minority students shouldn't be expected to study inventions of a "a long-dead, British guy" (Friedan herself is white). And while Newton is widely...

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Immediately following her interview, in which Miley Cyrus confessed to being "the least judgmental person in the world" and "understanding and accepting of everyone," she started her next show by setting a Bible on fire.

In an opening act for her recent concert in Los Angeles, Cyrus walked out onto the stage and held the Bible out to the crowd saying, "Here is a tribute to all you Jesus-lovers out there." She then set the pages on fire and yelled "Hillary '16!" before dropping the book to the ground. As the music started, Cyrus began to sing while squatting over the burning Bible...

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The U.S. Cyber Command and Director of the National Security Agency, Admiral Michael Rogers, released a statement this morning informing the public of a massive security breach after a group of hackers broke into the NSA's secure network.

The leak was discovered when the NSA employees' personal emails ended up going viral on social networks like Facebook and Reddit, revealing damning personal details about a number of NSA agents. The NSA statement included a complaint from the victims who "felt violated when they learned that someone they didn't know was going through their information without their consent or knowledge."

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Let's give plaudits for House Democrat Rep. Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.) for her plan to require criminals to buy gun insurance. I'm afraid it won't be enough, though. Violence isn't always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc. 

So there has to be a better solution to the country's rampant violence problem, and not just locking up perps - what is that going to do? We propose a Federal system whereby criminals will be required to purchase Federal CRIME insurance before they commit any violence:

CRIME: Commonsense Redistributional Income Mandated Equality...

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Since there have been ever-increasing reports of rogue directors deciding to create their own forms of media, it's important that we establish proper guidelines for writing Party-Approved Narratives. Fortunately, the Progressive Institute for Societal Speech and the Center for Revision of Articulation Platforms have come together to release a helpful go-to guide for just this sort of thing.

If you're hoping to present a script to your locally designated media official, be sure that it first receives an acceptable score on the test below.

Total scores will be tallied and judged. You have been warned.

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PORTLAND, OREGON - Members of P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have successfully lobbied to outlaw outdoor barbeques within city limits and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. The ban was based on a P.E.T.A. claim that the smell of cooking flesh is highly offensive and no one should be forced to endure the fumes from what they call "a crime worse than the Holocaust." Under the new law, individuals caught cooking meat outdoors can face a $2,000 fine or one day in jail.

The group has spent the past few months patrolling neighborhoods and protesting outdoor grilling by raiding family picnics, while screaming "murderers" and "animals deserve justice" at the families and individuals who have been caught cooking meat...

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HOLLYWOOD, CA - The silver screen's most elite names gathered last night to discuss their disastrous participation in Michael Bloomberg's first annual Gun Violence Awareness Day on June 2nd. The stars had every reason to be concerned after their collective wearing of orange shirts to commemorate all those who have lost their lives to gun violence went largely unnoticed.

The celebrities came to a consensus that the best way to raise awareness for the victims of gun violence was to erect a statue of an unarmed man with a flashlight and a bag over his shoulder, climbing through a window.

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On May 12th I was invited to speak alongside Governor Rick Perry at a Lincoln Dinner organized by Okaloosa Republican Executive Committee in Fort Walton Beach, FL.

I was supposed to warm up the crowd for the Honorable Rick Perry, but the order of appearances was switched at the last moment; Perry gave his keynote speech first, and then I stepped in, thanking the Governor for warming up the crowd for me.

WATCH THE VIDEO:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an early morning press conference with MSNBC reporters, President Obama privately announced reaching a deal between the U.S. and the People's Republic of China, which will allow the Chinese Special Operations, an elite military unit, to guard the interior vaults containing the gold in Fort Knox, the U.S. bullion depository.

"We as a nation owe China a whole lot of money," stated the President, "and I'm glad we finally found an amicable way to resolve issues with Chinese leaders who no longer trust us with our money. Placing our gold reserve under Chinese supervision will benefit both our nations and I'm...

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President Obama's recent commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, in which he called climate change "a serious threat to national security" and linked bad weather to terrorism, revealed a pattern that some analysts say is very similar to the President's earlier speeches, in which he linked terrorism and major security threats to quite different things and events, such as, a YouTube video, Republican budget cuts, the previous administration, and George W. Bush personally.

This has led experts to believe that there exists a speech-making template...

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Hillary Clinton released an announcement over Memorial Day weekend on her Facebook page, saying that what we may think of as "free speech" can be hurtful towards other Americans, and we should put more effort into monitoring what we and others say to avoid painful dialogues, especially on the Internet.

"There is a problem in this country when people, mostly right-wing bigots, can easily inflict pain and suffering..."

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STAGE 1: Identify the issue. 

Any Progressive can make an issue out of anything. That's the Power of the People! Just name it and blame Republicans. Many issues never go beyond Stage 1 because they are so readily and widely embraced by the masses. Examples include free cell phones, free gas, and free Obama money from his stash. Whatever the issue, throw it at the wall and don't worry if it doesn't stick—there are at least six more ways to make sure it does!

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I humbly write today to denounce subversive and counter-revolutionary activities of certain botanical bullies, which you may know as "trees." Each spring they discharge their filthy male gametes in the form of pollen all of the property of the Collective, most notably, the People™, thus exemplifying reactionary biological functions, promoting male chauvinism, furthering the relentless Republican War on Women, and sabotaging the glorious economic recovery of your making.

As such, in all justice and right reason, "trees" ought to be banned by law...

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WASHINGTON, DC - During the President's tour of Washington D.C.'s historic homes yesterday, the President had a six-year-old Yorkie named Pandy taken from its owner Martha McBride, 78, and put down at a local veterinary office after the dog, who was female, growled and snapped at him during his tour of a home that was once owned by Ulysses S. Grant. 

McBride, who is white, was a civil rights activist during the 50s and 60s, having participated...

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TIMES SQUARE, NEW YORK CITY- The feminist group "Radical Feminists of America" rallied in Times Square today to protest "False male dominance on American currency" by burning $100,000 in twenty dollar bills throughout the day. 

Feminist activists were seen burning single bills and even handfuls of them at a time, while spitting at male passers by who walked by the scene on their daily routine. There have been several outbreaks of fighting between the feminists and some homeless men who attempted to salvage the burning cash from burn-buckets and the hands of protesters.

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President Obama announced today that in light of the recent Amtrak accident he is calling on the Congress for bipartisan action on Physical Law Reform, and if they don't act, he will. Mr. Obama stated that if the Congress refuses to change these laws, he will sign an executive order repealing the laws of physics outright and implement reform on his own. "Reforming these so-called 'Laws of Nature' is the right thing to do; it will help working families and keep them safe."

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One of the perks of converting to Islam is that it puts me on the inside track to privileged information. For example, you might recall the latest death threat from Islamic State and their claim of 71 soldiers to carry out their attacks, especially against Pamela Geller.

Well, wouldn't you know it, I was just talking to a brother at Starbucks. While we were discussing how much we detested American coffee, "Achmed" handed me the rough draft of the latest IS threat, and asked me to proofread it.

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Impending cuts in your social security benefits? Can't afford erectile dysfunction medicine, Cadillac payments, lottery tickets, trips to Vegas, expanded cable service, gifts to grand kids, and veterinary care for your two dogs and five cats?

Sign up for Al-Aqsa Retirement Plan! Yours shall be an abode with a dome of pearls, aquamarine, and ruby, with 80,000 servants and 72 virgin wives. Can your American social security give you such an abode?

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WASHINGTON, DC - The White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, confirmed today that the President has signed off on the construction of one of his several retirement estates in preparation for leaving office in 2017.

Located in Pennsylvania, this particular estate has raised controversy with some far-right patriotic groups because it will be positioned directly on the historic site of the Battle of Brandywine, in which America lost to Great Britain with heavy casualties in September of 1777 during the Revolutionary War

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MANHATTAN -- The NYPD is reporting that shots were fired at 230 W 49th St. this afternoon into the front of the Eugene O'Neill Theatre, which is the site of the Tony-Award winning Broadway musical, The Book of Mormon. It is unclear whether anyone was injured in the attack, but witnesses saw a pair of young men in white short-sleeved shirts with neckties fleeing from the scene on bicycles. It is being speculated that they were angry Mormons expressing their outrage at the show's producers. 

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You may have heard wondrous stories about how prepubescent girls touched by Mohammed instantly transformed into mature women by developing secondary sexual characteristics in a blink of an eye, how Mohammed once defeated Chuck Norris in single combat; or how Mohammed had his socks catapulted into a besieged fortress, causing the enemy to panic and beg for mercy. Some of that can't be true simply because Mohammed never wore socks, or because even he wasn't foolish enough to challenge Chuck Norris - otherwise Islam may have turned out to be a completely different religion.

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We are now in an environment where it is no longer safe to openly blame the perpetrators of violent acts committed by religious extremists. The official Party narrative is that the victims are responsible for provoking their attackers.

Viewed in this light, it is time to rethink whether we should allow our women to venture out into public alone, not accompanied by a husband or other male relative, especially those without a head-covering.

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DETROIT, MICHIGAN - Post-May Day depression is a growing malady that affects many progressives and pro-Communists each year, usually beginning late in the afternoon on May 1 and continuing until the morning of the next May Day. For some, it is a result of too much sign-making and short-range marching with very few people giving a crap. Many left-wing agitators in the United States and other free nations have mild symptoms, but others are subjected to an almost paralyzing agony.

This article shows how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.

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A model worker for the Motherland's agitation and propaganda television (English-language Russia Today) by the name of Paulina Leonovich was performing her international duty of furthering the narrative about the lawless American police and the glorious struggle for liberation and justice in the streets of Baltimore, when she was suddenly mistaken for a privileged white oppressor and robbed by the very heroic protesters she had been lionizing.

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Comrades! Perhaps all of us, while debating the enemy, have been subjected to accusations of logical fallacies. Ignore such accusations. The non-concept of "logical fallacy" is a tool of capitalist propaganda, designed to expose us to a retrograde pre-twenty-first century mindset, which may cause the weakest of us to question their allegiance to Progress. But that is the enemy's mindset; it no longer applies to the new era. Progress calls us to destroy the straightjacket of linear thinking. There are no absolutes...

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CHICAGO, IL - A public relations nightmare ensued today after Vice President Joe Biden visited a prominent preschool in the greater Chicago area that enrolls the children of Chicago's elite citizens, while being heavily intoxicated. Despite the pleas of his security detail, Biden refused to cancel the reading of Of Thee I Sing: A Letter To My Daughters, a children's book written by Barack Obama. 

Teachers at the school said they saw Biden stumble and lean against the wall as he made his way to the library where the event was held...

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CHAPPAQUA, NEW YORK – More proof of Hillary Clinton's compulsive presidential aspirations was revealed today by a former aide, Tyrone Gibson, who stepped forward to confirm the existence of a realistic replica of the Oval Office housed deep inside the Clinton compound in Chappaqua, NY, complete with high-definition virtual reality LCD "windows" that display views from the real Oval Office, including real-time weather and even the time of day.

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On April 9th, after a 24-year delay, the Ukrainian parliament (Rada) has passed a legislation banning communist propaganda along with its symbols, from street names and flags, to monuments and plaques. The new legislation, passed by 56% of parliamentarians, declares the communist government that ruled Ukraine during the Soviet era a criminal regime that conducted policies of state terror. The ban similarly extends to Nazi propaganda and symbols, even though unlike Communism, Nazism has hardly had any following in a country that was hit hard during WWII and the Nazi occupation.

With urgent and serious problems facing Ukraine, what was the sudden rush?

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On this forty-fifth birthday of the first annual Earthday, which was first commemorated on the one-hundredth birthday of Vladimir Lenin in 1970, let us revisit some of the predictions made on that glorious day. 

Remember comrades, it doesn't matter whether the prophecies came true, but whether they affected change that leads to the equality to be found in the Glorious Utopian World of Next Tuesday. Let us applaud these brave scientists who have sacrificed their credibility in pursuit of socialist agenda.

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Rosie O'Donnell was a guest today on David Bender's "Politically Direct," a progressive radio talk show on Air America, discussing her recent decision to get the ISIS flag tattooed on her lower back. Even though the idea has become controversial even among some of her liberal colleagues, O'Donnell said that she was willing to take the heat in order to raise awareness about the Islamic State's struggle against Western imperialism.

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Comrades, Earth Day™ is just around the corner. We're not talking about Christmas or Easter or Yom Kippur, we're talking about Lenin's Birthday!

Now some outdated, religious traditions include themes of guilt and forgiveness. On the other hand, Earth Day is so progressive that it offers guilt and more guilt! See, in this advanced, highly evolved, and inclusive belief system, you are guilty before Gaia for exhaling and destroying her atmosphere, turning it into an “open sewer” to quote the Prophet Algore (PBUH)...

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IRVINE, CA -- Hillary Clinton's speech at UC Irvine today was met with profound enthusiasm from students and educators who came out in droves to hear her talk about such controversial subjects as free speech and patriotism on campus and beyond.

Mrs. Clinton's own patriotic support for the U.S. military was in full display on stage, with dozens of uniformed soldiers lined up behind the Democratic presidential hopeful at the podium. One of the men, wearing the uniform of a Marine with the stripes of a Master Gunnery Sergeant, later took the microphone and introduced himself as Navy Seal General Elmer Dud. He thanked Hillary Clinton for her service to the country and told the audience that he fought in Benghazi and saw everything with his own eyes.

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Welcome to the People's Official Rand Paul Denouncement Thread™, where comrades are cordially invited to smear, trash, bash, revile, excoriate, and otherwise assassinate the character of GOP Presidential Candidate Rand Paul. We want you to have fun, and all we ask is that you do not say anything nice about him, mainly because there is nothing nice to say.

Bad. Dangerous. Evil. Stupid. Liar. Bloodthirsty. Vile. Hypocrite. Villain. Scum. Monster. Traitor. Tyrant...

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NEW YORK CITY - Members of the feminist group "Radical Feminists of America" performed a series of orchestrated raids in public buildings, smashing urinals with sledgehammers at random locations in New York City.

The group seems to have targeted buildings that have not yet installed gender-neutral restrooms. Witnesses say they heard loud "animal-like screeching" and the sounds of shattered porcelain as the activists battered the urinals and spray-painted "End Sadomasochism NOW" on the walls.

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As LGBTQ has now become the most important victim group for the Party (equal only to Muslims), we need to take it a step beyond mere cake justice.

In a glorious ruling from Chief Justice Comrade John Roberts, we obtained a precedent where every person either had to buy ObamaCare or pay a penalty at tax time. Why not follow it up with a mandatory quota of LGBTQ friends?

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NOTE: hours after posting this story was debunked by Snopes.com as FALSE. Read at your own risk.

WASHINGTON - In a announcement from the White House today the portrait of the sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, was removed from its location in favor of an image of the Obama's Portuguese Water Dogs Sunny and Bo.

The decision was made by The First Lady Michelle Obama, who was not shy in explaining why she had the portrait removed...

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PEOPLE MAGAZINE: Maya Angelou Memorial Stamp Features Quote from a Different Author

Living in New York around 2005, I once saw a flyer advertising Maya Angelou's appearance before NYU students that had exactly the same "bird" quote. The flyer was posted at the entrance to one of the left-wing churches around NYU that lends its space to events held by communists and other progressives, including a party to celebrate the release of Lynn Stewart from prison, which I attended undercover...

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In Dearborn Michigan yesterday during the early afternoon hours a gay couple, who were searching for a bakery that would cater to their wedding needs, was surrounded by a crowd and pelted with rocks and loose bricks until their death. 

The couple walked into "By the Prophet," a well known Muslim-owned bakery and tea house and inquired about a cake with two grooms as the topper...

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On this day, 1 April 2015, the People's Cube is celebrating ten glorious years of unstoppable revolutions. Jubilant masses of correctly educated workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia are coming together in towns and villages around the world, carrying People's Cube posters, peacefully hurling red cubes at the capitalist classes, and spontaneously chanting Party-approved slogans: "Long live the Glorious World of Next Tuesday! Hurrah!" "Cheers for our beloved comrade Red Square, People's Director!" "We need more visual agitation and propaganda to tell us what to think!" ...

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Where would you rather redeem your ration cards - Taco Bell or McDonald's? It's a trick question, comrades, because McDespot leaves you no choice!

When food fight turns into a Cold War, civilians can only pray that won't reflect on the temperature of the served tacos and their tortillas won't taste like poster board.

Read this exemplary article from AdWeek and get your emergency supplies ready.



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Comrades, injustice is afoot! Comrade Bowe al-Bergdhal (who served the Taliban honorably for five years) faces imprisonment in facilities unfit for soldiers of the Religion of Peace.

He faces imprisonment not in the proper luxury accommodations of his peers in Guantanamo, but Kansas. American military captured him from his duty station in Afghanistan, and released five Taliban senior leaders in celebration.

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Welcome to the People's Official Ted Cruz Denouncement Thread™, where comrades are cordially invited to smear, trash, bash, revile, excoriate, and otherwise assassinate the character of GOP Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz. We want you to have fun, and all we ask is that you do not say anything nice about him, mainly because there is nothing nice to say. Bad. Dangerous. Evil. Stupid. Liar. Bloodthirsty. Vile. Hypocrite. Villain. Scum. Monster. Traitor. Tyrant. Just totally, utterly, absolutely WRONG!

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Imagine attending a college where free speech and intellectual curiosity are unregulated, where competing ideas are openly discussed, and vigorous debate not only tolerated, but encouraged. Then imagine being routinely subjected to thoughts and ideas that are troubling, upsetting, and possibly different from your own. Finally, imagine the sheer horror of realizing you can't control the speech, beliefs and ideas of those around you! This my friends, was the terrifying position in which Katherine Byron found herself last fall.

But the spunky Brown University senior, and member of the Sexual Assault Task Force, was undaunted...

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FROM: People's Director
ATTN: All comrades

GLORIOUS ANNOUNCEMENT

On April 1st of this year The People's Cube will be celebrating its glorious 10-year anniversary.

The People's Hospitality Committee is being formed. Candidacies and ideas for celebration are now being accepted on an equal-opportunity basis. 

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Fun camps for adults is an idea whose time has come: that's where Hillary Clinton now wants to send her loyal and disloyal subjects.

In the documentary photo we see one of the fun training activities that American adults can engage in, called "dig in and double down for progress." Let's put our trained minds together and do some kollektive-sourcing. What are other fun activities would be good in adult fun camps?

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In the beginning of the world, there was the Cube. Every Muslim will tell you that, and we are not making this up. They call it Kabah, which is Arabic for "the Cube."

People from all corners of the earth gather to the Cube in Mecca for education and enlightenment. Only instead of rotating it like we do with the People's Cube, they run in circles around it, like the unionized electricians of a certain non-Muslim ethnic minority who rotate the stepladder while changing the light bulb.

Since the rest of the Islamic narrative about the Cube's origin is not in compliance with the Marxist theory of Historical Materialism, below is a korrekted version, developed by the scientists of the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

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Conspiracy enthusiasts - all hands on deck!

A member of the Russian parliament from the Communist Party, Comrade Obukhov, has officially stated that the assassination of Boris Nemtsov is nothing like those of Kirov and Kennedy. That almost sounds nostalgic: they don't shoot 'em like they used to. He should know, since both Kirov and Kennedy had been gunned down by communists. But it could also be sour grapes.

Russia's authoritarianism hasn't been the same ever since the Party had lost its license to kill, but there's still a chance...

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The ballistic missile with Obama's name on it, paraded in the streets of Moscow last Monday, was only an imitation - but the sentiment was genuine.

Looking like a gigantic allegorical suppository for the American president, the green twelve-foot rocket emblazoned with the hammer and sickle over a red star brought up Cold War memories of real intercontinental missiles the Soviet government would parade in Red Square as a vague threat to its enemies. There was no vagueness this time: in large print letters, the message on the rocket said, "To be delivered to Obama in person."

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The boy band craze has come and gone, like new wave, disco, and the Second British Invasion led by Duran Duran. It's time for the Muslim Invasion, with bands like Quran-Quran and a slew of other acts that came over to the States with their polished Sharia-driven performance, charisma and stylish fashion sensibilities. For a young person somewhere in the West, it must have been both shocking and fascinating to see these audacious-looking groups invade their television screens.

"I don't know why that was," says Aludra, one of the three teenage girls from Colorado caught leaving the U.S. in order to become Quran-Quran's groupies. "It was kind of an explosion that came out after Obama swung through America - a whole new generation that was interested in...

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It could be you. It could even be me. Hell, it could even be one of those oppressed members of ISIS who'd certainly stop bombing and burning and beheading people if only someone gave them a job. I know I'd stop whacking proles with my shovel if only someone gave me a job. And a cellphone. And a car. With free gas. And don't forget the free Obama money that comes from - I don't know, I think it comes from his stash.

Just think! Any one of us could easily replace Jen Psaki...

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Having read Phyllis Chesler's article in today's New York Post, titled "Why are jihadis so obsessed with porn?" we decided to give voice to the other side, by interviewing Rabid Habibi, a self-described jihad addict, whom we found browsing the magazine rack at the local adult novelty shop, Sex Toys'R'Us.

Cube: How do you respond to London Mayor Boris Johnson's description of jihadis as "porn driven losers" who have "low self-esteem and are unsuccessful with women"?

Rabid Habibi: Now, that's stupid. How can he say that a man who owns several wives and sex slaves is unsuccessful with women? I call it very successful! It's the London Mayor who has low self-esteem because he doesn't...

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Fifty Shades of Government delivers a classy-looking, in a Cialis-TV-commercial way, story of the American people who have turned over full control of their lives to their government. As their personal stories become increasingly subservient to government-approved media narratives, the film portrays their submissiveness to the government as gratifying and empowering experience.

What the critics say about the film:

Entertainment Weekly: "Losing control of your lives never felt so good."

Hollywood Reporter: "Wonderfully devoid of any conflict, as it should be in real life."

Rolling Stone: "With movable parts like these, who needs acting skills?"

New York Times: "The movie's long, narcissistic speeches may be a downer, but then, no one goes to see it for the dialogue."

MSNBC: "The chemistry between the slavish individual and the dominant government offers a non-stop thrill up one's leg. They truly are the star-crossed couple."

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Most of us have probably seen Obama's recent selfie video in which he makes faces, poses in front of the mirror, blames himself over cookies, and draws a picture of Michelle Obama.

It is a little known fact, however, that when the President first took the pencil and focused on random visual ideas, he accidentally drew a picture of Mohammed. The filming stopped. The ruined sheet was ripped out of the sketchbook and tossed into the waste basket.

On the second attempt, as Obama sat in front of the blank sheet and tried not to think about Mohammed; his hand moved making random lines, which in the end, taken together, looked like Mohammed. That sheet also went into the waste basket.

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Comrades, glorious news! You can now upgrade your old, outdated Race Card™ to a Gay Card™! What's a Gay Card? Why, it's like the old fashioned Race Card, but on steroids.

You see, the venerable Race Card is starting to lose its edge, and white people are becoming less and less prone to bouts of guilt, self-doubt, and introspective soul searching for deep, subconscious, genetically coded racist tendencies. In fact, some white people even laugh off the Race Card when it's presented.

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Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.

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Comrades, one of our foremost disseminators of the Current Truth™ has come under fire for the innocent mistake of misremembering some trivial details about being shot down in a helicopter.

What's the big deal? Just the other day, my wife asked me how my day went attending to the tractor farm, show trials, executions, etc. I told her that I was driving back to our humble beachfront dacha from Jerusalem and came under fire from Vespasian's XII Catapult Legion. It turns out that actually never really happened! To this day, I don't know what possessed me to misremember something like that, but I feel terrible.

See, comrades? Everybody does it. What have you misremembered recently?

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As everyone knows, the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington is a yearly event designed to put Christians in their place and advance Islam as the national religion. At today's breakfast, President Obama once again met the expectations of the progressive movement by telling off those uppity Christians like a true Muslim would.

Indeed, in these dark times of Christian Extremism, what we need is a president who can inform the world about all of the Christian atrocities throughout history for which currently living Americans are personally responsible.

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Last night I went to see Yakov Smirnoff at the Lakeland Center in Florida. In addition to having discovered America, Yakov has now also discovered personal relationships, and presents his findings the way you never looked at it before. And now he has also discovered the People's Cube.

I spoke with Yakov before and after the show. He was very warm and friendly, and when I gave him the Cube, he immediately figured out the concept and tried to solve it, but failed on the first try. But then, with the words "What would Putin do?" he finally got it right.

When I told him that his name and his jokes frequently come up on our website, he asked me for the URL and promised to check it out. We also exchanged a few words in Russian, but since he hasn't used that language in a very long time (he came to the US in 1977 at the age of 26), we continued the conversation in an equally accented English.

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Full and total equality is probably best achieved through toilet humor. It's equally funny and accessible to all - regardless of race, income, education, gender, or age.

Furthermore, the most powerful leaders are equal to each other and to everyone else when they sit on the toilet, focusing on their daily duty. That is also the only place on earth where a guaranteed equality of outcomes is not just a utopian dream, but a quantifiable reality.

This is roughly the concept (at least in part) of the photomontages made by the Italian digital artist from Sardinia, Cristina Guggeri, titled "The daily duty."

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By Oleg Atbashian | American Thinker

If Ann Coulter were to live in Russia, her writing would probably be similar to that of Yulia Latynina, one of my favorite Russian-language political commentators and critics of Putin's government.

Latynina's latest column, I believe, must be shared with all people living in Western countries, or at least with those not yet trapped inside the intellectual maze of their own invention. In this conflict of civilizations, winning requires clarity of vision -- something the West no longer has due to its postmodernist obsession with recalibrating and redefining itself.

Below is my somewhat loose translation of Latynina's column - "loose" because, as you will see later, precision sometimes is the enemy of clarity.

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The Committee for Symbol Security has released its tentative redesign of the American flag to include the previously unrepresented District of Columbia, which is not part of any of the 50 states. This omission is now rectified by giving Washington, DC, it's rightful place - a super star with the 50 states nestled safely between its legs.

The committee initially proposed the D.C. star be on the far left, before realizing...

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At W.F. Burns Middle School in Valley, Alabama, an administrator wrote a letter requesting that parents send canned food to school. The canned food, she reasons, is not to eat or donate to a homeless shelter, but to stockpile as projectile weaponry against intruders. The canned food will also double as food rations, in case the school wants to keep your children overnight.

As if you needed another reason to send your children to public schools, now you can be even more assured of your decision. No longer will you have to rely on a rogue Republican school official with a concealed carry permit to defend your little ones. Now, your children will have tin cans of food at their disposal...

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MOSCOW - A peculiar bald monkey, born at the Moscow Zoo during the successful annexation of Crimea and invasion into Ukraine, has been named after Russia's enormously popular president, Vladimir Putin. The baby baboon that some believe brought luck to the Kremlin, will now be known simply as "Pootie-Poo."

Since the monkey was born, Putin's approval rating has remained at 86% without any signs of decline, according to zoo officials.

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Instead of a summary of things that didn't happen in the past year, we are offering a list of Top Ten Things To Come in the coming year.

1. Recovery will reach escape velocity and escape the economy altogether

2. All executive orders will be declared constitutional by executive order

3. Robert Kennedy Jr. will apologize for being white and male, blaming his parents

4. The New York Times will cut operating costs by replacing fact-checkers with rubber stamp

5. A Harvard professor will find evidence proving evidence proves nothing

...

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When pinups were on the rise in the States, the Soviet government had decisively excluded such "bourgeois decadence" from the culture of the builders of communism. Instead, Soviet men were encouraged to rest their eyes on the portraits of exemplary workers and collective farmers who happened to be women, painted in the tradition of socialist realism.

Today, Ukrainian graphic artist Sviatoslav Pashchuk is bringing back military-styled pinups - after all, it was during World War II that the pinup culture was born originally, satisfying the need of American GIs to gaze at creatures of beauty in the midst of cruel wartime brutality.

Now that a brutal war is raging in the east of Ukraine, the new series is quickly becoming a hot item among Ukrainian soldiers and volunteers...

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Actually, these comrades in Soviet army hats are not really members of the People's Cube, nor have they ever been. Instead, this is the most acute case of "life imitating the People's Cube" we've seen so far, especially that it happened almost simultaneously with our very own scheduled Show Trial and Raffle.

Obviously, members of the mock show trial are now in need of mock NKVD officers to escort the convicted enemy of the people to the mock gulag - or stage a mock firing squad.

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It's show trial time! Attendance mandatory. Not having seen announcement is not excuse. Absentees will be deemed guilty by implication.

"Whom would Pupovich denounce?"

Feel free to denounce yourselves! The purge will be followed by raffle and baked beet sale. Survivors will attend the after-party behind the tractor barn as usual. Bring a comrade.

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Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself.

The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.

Ahmed Jihad of the Qatar-funded charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly stated that "This is the end of a tenuous peace between Muslims and Infidels, with only the occasional beheading, open market suicide bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."

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Hey, kids, who said History and Geography have to hurt? See how much cooler, more fashionable, and less painful they can be with Harper's new textbook series, where every fact and location have been revised, updated and revisited. Just try these on for size!

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Al Jazeera HQ have now inched across the continent to Vienna, closer to the station's European audiences, in the hundreds of millions. Of course, Vienna has been the mighty capital of the Austro-Hungarian Caliphate since 1683, after the army of the Ottoman Empire and its fiefdoms commanded by Grand Vizier Mustafa Pasha liberated the city from the infidel occupiers who spoke in some gibberish, now-forgotten dialect. Vienna was chosen over the Islamic Republic of al-Andalus (known as Spain prior to 711 CE) due to superior in-house plumbing and more obedient servants...

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This isn't satire and I'm not making this up. When an obscure American satirical blog, The Daily Currant, posted a funny spoof titled, Russia Shoots Down Santa's Sleigh Near North Pole, the story quickly became viral on the Russian Internet thanks to the Russian-language version of the RT website, which translated several excerpts and posted them with some editorial comments.

This is where the "life imitates satire" part begins. While everyone realized this was a joke, many Russian readers, swept by the current wave of militant nationalism, turned the comment sections of blogs and news websites into an anti-American hate-fest, gloating over Santa's death, praising Russia's military, disparaging Western consumerism, and wishing that Western leaders attending Santa's funeral on the North Pole would drown along with St. Nick's dead body. Some even expressed concern that certain nitwits out there may think the story is real and will draw incorrect conclusions about Russia's peaceful policies. All of them unwittingly proved the point of the Daily Currant's satire:

Several ultra-nationalist politicians in Moscow have praised the downing, which targeted a popular Western celebrity. "Santa Claus is a symbol of Western decadence and consumerism," said Alexei Onnatopp, leader of the far-right Golden Bear party. "Whoever killed this fat, corrupt man is a patriot and a hero.

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