The People's Valentine: Safe Guide to Dating Dictators

Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.

• Pay your own way. Ignore the traditional rule of the tyrant feeding his subjects. Most dictators tend to think that just because they bought you a meal with other people's money, you owe them something at the end of the night.
• Define the degree of your compliance with his authority. Let him know if you find his dictatorial methods unacceptable; if this angers him, mark this as a red flag.
• Do not rely on the tyrant for transportation - you may wind up in a boxcar or in an armored vehicle, being interrogated by a dictator you don't really know that well.
• Don't get high. In all reported violent revolutions, drugs and alcohol were a major factor. So for the first couple of dates, discuss the greater good of subjugating the individual to the state authority in a non-alcoholic setting. In addition, leaving your drink unattended around a dictator may lead to a speedy confiscation and redistribution of your property.
• Don't let your guard down. It doesn't matter if the dictator seems nice - keep an eye on your belongings. Watch your purse, wallet, tax records, and bank accounts. Being overly trusting may signal an easy target to a dictator with dictatorial intentions.
• Withhold personal information. Don't divulge your ethnicity, political leanings, or if you have wealthy bourgeois relatives. Only after you have collected some compromising info on him is the dictator worthy of your trust.
• Keep a thorough, detailed record of your date - in writing, or with concealed audio or video recording equipment. Having incriminating evidence hidden in a safe place will help to ensure a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Clues For Spotting Maniacal Dictators On Dating Websites

The internet can be a rewarding place to meet great people, but there's also the chance of meeting some who aren't so great - who signed up with a status of "benevolent ruler of all people" when in real life they are power-grabbing sociopaths only one mass murder away from a documentary on the History Channel.

To avoid falling into the hands of a megalomaniac tyrant, watch for the following signs:

Clue #1: His profile is littered with oil portraits of him wearing a uniform with plenty of medals, holding weapons, or riding a horse. The majority of narcissistic tyrants pose for pictures with an upturned head, staring dreamily above eye level into the distance. (A dictator who allows himself to be photographed as a mere human is just asking for a coup d'état).

Clue #2: He will tell you not to call him. In most cases, autocrats are the ones to initiate contact. A lot of dictators tend to look for someone who seems submissive, trusting, naïve, and easily manipulated. They will seek out such vulnerabilities by sending you frequent emails with requests for donations and links to their web pages, where you must fill out forms and answer various questions so they can determine just how easy a target you are.

Clue #3: Even if you have his number but wind up leaving a message or speaking to his underlings, this can be a sign of trouble. When he finally calls you back, there is always some bizarre story about one or another urgent show trial or a botched assassination attempt. Of course, there is a chance that he really is busy - instigating wars, running guns, or executing enemies of the state - but you don't deserve that kind of unpredictability. There is always another, kinder, gentler, more predictable dictator just waiting to oppress you.

The People's Cube is committed to safe dictator-dating and actively promotes it by being a go-to guide for all those in the totalitarian dating community.
________________________
Credit for the above image goes to Nolan Beck, who, in the spirit of V-Day, brought different socialist dictators together in one Valentine package. We just edited it a bit to fit our format.


 

Comrade Red Square has always been the authoritarian oppressor of my dreams.

I knew it the minute he ordered me at gun point to pick up a shovel and dig a trench along the beach at sunset.

Then we monitored the bourgeois beachfront properties. He brought his night-vision goggles, and I brought bail money.

It was an unforgettable, romantic evening, and I have the mug shots to prove it (framed and laminated).

And all thanks to the People's Guide to Dating Maniacal Dictators. It changed my life! Being Mrs. Red Square, I now have permission to carry only one log instead of two.
 

 

Why aren't there more women dictators? I'm really offended. Shouldn't there be as many women dictators as male dictators? Hey wait. It just struck me. All those Date the Dictator sites are for women to meet the big powerful male dictator. You know, there's something really really fishy about that. There aren't any women dictators! Dictatorship is a man's club! There aren't any women dictators!

Ohhhhh.... I see. I see. Ohhhh.... This is all about male power and oppression. Right down to the Date the Dictator thing. Ohhhh...
 

Just "Biden" my time till you're all mine...
 

Stop pounding your Boehner,
and be my Valentine!
 

Valentine,
I love you more
you mean more to me
you mean as much to me
you mean almost
you are a really nice

have the kitchen staff keep this coming...
 

Axe me and I'm yours.
 

Margaret

Why aren't there more women dictators?

ThePeoplesComrade

Axe me and I'm yours.
Thank you for reminding us of our old friend, Yelling Yelena.


 

 

Comrades,

This is Perfect People Guides to finding Korrect Match! Tears are rolling down this Cockled Roosters Cheeks.... Love comes in many forms, but there is nothing like Love For The Common Good.

[Prog Off]

I em dyin over here....

[Prog On]

Yellena Be Mine!!!!
 

 

Uncle Adolph's card seems a bit sparse. Perhaps the caption should be "Don't say Nein, Schatzi, be Mein."
 

Okay here it goes...goin' for broke here...strapping on my helmet...screwing up my courage...or maybe just screwing up royally...

Don't say no
Or even say maybe
Pinkie, won't you be
My Red Diaper Baby?

(I really hope this shatter-proof glass is really shatter-proof.)
 

We're gonna miss ol' Ivan...

I want his vodka ration.
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Thank you Comrade for including the Dear Liar in the group, his exceptional work at destroying freedom and capitalism more than merits his inclusion in that august crowd.
 

 

My card finally arrived!!!






 

 

 

 

 

This story hit the top of The Washington Times this morning...


 

 

Ivan Betinov

Okay here it goes...goin' for broke here...strapping on my helmet...screwing up my courage...or maybe just screwing up royally...

Don't say no
Or even say maybe
Pinkie, won't you be
My Red Diaper Baby?

(I really hope this shatter-proof glass is really shatter-proof.)

How do I denounce thee? Let me count the ways...

WHACK!!!

My headscarf is red,
Democrats are blue,
Republicans are toast,
And so are you.

WHACK!!!

A shovel by any other name
Would hurt just as much
As long as it's wielded by Pinkie.

WHACK!!!

Wilt thou be gone, Betinov?
It was my shovel, and not Mrs. Red Square's log
That pierc'd the fearful hollow of thy jar
Where in brine soaks thy brain.

WHACK!!!

Now, Betinov, can you think of any other ways in which I might denounce you?

Any?

Anything, Betinov?

Anything at all?


 

Ahhhhh, Valentine's Day on TheCube™ - it's a Beautiful Thing!

And Pinkie's love whacks - to die for!
 

Greetings dear collective, from the socialist utopia of Down Under.

As a member of the Glorious Green party I am unable to take part in any activities which may lead to unauthorised propagation of the humyn species. My heart belongs to nature, and in particular very hot, er, endangered marsupials.

However I do take great pleasure in seeing the love blossoming between our two dear leaders, seen here as they educate the toiling masses on the patronising, barbaric ritual that is competitve ball sports.
 

 

 

 

Your heart is mine for the take
I'd kill an Ambassador for your sake
I'm a lesbian
What difference does it make
 

Thank Lenin Dear Leader got me ObamaCare for Valentine's Day. Thank Stoli Pinkie was more than halfway soused by the time she got to the bunker tonight.
 

On Valentine’s Day, the Proletariat will strut,
Like subsidized animals, always in rut,
On a day like no other, pathologies are glut,
Yo it's Sandra Fluke, the Peoples Slut.


 

Brain-In-Jar, she surprisingly cute when the beet vodka has had its way with her, da? And surprisingly lyrical and romantic, too!
 

Comrades, comrades! Please don't let me post the picture of Pinkie in the Bunker from last Valentine Day!
 

But Comrade Red Square, you must! The people demand it!!!! The collectives are collectively summoning the will of the people for this audacious display. After all, what does a "Pinkie in the Bunker" look like?
 

Red Square

Comrades, comrades! Please don't let me post the picture of Pinkie in the Bunker from last Valentine Day!

Don't. You. Dare.


 

Oh dear.

I can feel the love from here!!
 

Red, is that the one with the counter-rotating tassels, or the one with the one with midget on a unicycle in a clown suit with a whip?
 

Wait a minute - the midget balancing Pinkie on his head while he rode the unicycle was TWO years ago, wasn't it? And then she fell into that vat of chocolate pudding?
 

talk about viral! that's the one that brought me to the cube...
 

Couldn't have been viral. 30,000 units of penicillin cleared it right up.
 

Sorry,

I don't care if don't ask don't tell has been repealed, I'm just not going to respond to this Valentine card.


 

 

In view of dictator succession, we must update the North Korean Valentine card.



You’re the kim Jong Unnest!
 

I liked this line from a comment on our Facebook page, so I made a KGB Valentine Card...



Nothing says "until death do us part" like a KGB bullet to the skull in the wee hours of the morning...
 

Comrades,
A punch is to like someone, but beating someone up shows how much you love them. Since we need to spread the love and cannot give love to individuals, how will we match our quota?
 

Did you know, Comrades .... Whenever Our Dear Leader wants to serenade His significant other, he frequently resorts to this love ballad, which I'm told is his favorite song

The first time ever I saw My face
I felt the oceans SLOW .. in their rise
And the Earth and sky would begin to heal
Were the gifts I gave to Me, O Self
The gifts I gave to Me

The first time ever I heard My voice
I felt a thrill MOVE down My leg
Like the trembling bladder of a media puke
Who would grovel to My commands, O Self
Who was there at My command

The first time ever I thought of Me
I felt the Earth's fate enclosed with Mine
And I knew My essence would fill the world
And last till the end of time, O Self
And last till the end of time
 

Callmelennie

Whenever Our Dear Leader wants to serenade His significant other, he frequently resorts to this love ballad, which I'm told is his favorite song

The first time ever I saw My face
I felt the oceans SLOW .. in their rise
And the Earth and sky would begin to heal
Were the gifts I gave to Me, O Self
The gifts I gave to Me

 

Eagles are dead,
Bats chopped up too,
Windmills of my heart
Are turning for you.
 

.
.
Your. Poem. Moved. Me.
.
.


 

Comrades Diaperette and Putout, I am in awe of the sheer VD beauty of your posts.

I think I may have felt a tingle.

Maybe not though.
 

.
.


.
.


 

 

 

 

A few days late, but this reminds me of why I heart the Cube so much XD <3 !
 

It is that time of year comrades.
 

Hammer and Loupe

It is that time of year comrades.

Ah, yes.

The power of bromance:




 

Gummipuppe

Hammer and Loupe

It is that time of year comrades.

Ah, yes.

The power of bromance:




Later on Air Force 1...



 

Some more Kim Jong-Un's. I hope my efforts have been productive.









 

 

Since Comrade Spykman seems to be getting us into the "dirtier" side of things...




 

Comrade Stierlitz

....Later on Air Force 1...



RINO Komrade Provincial Minister Krisp Kristie Kreme came to discover that bromance with Komrade Glorious Leader involves a lot of rough foreplay.
 

 

Red Square

This story hit the top of The Washington Times this morning...

        Mystery item No. 1

TWT_Valentine_Scrn.jpg

      Hide it back  (Turn mouse upside down and click. If that doesn't work, try standing on your head)

AWESOME!
 

Comrade Putout

.
.
Your. Poem. Moved. Me.
.
.
poet-laureate-new.jpg
That was (sniff, sniff) really beautiful, Comrade Putout. Seriously. He is one romantic, handsome, dude. (sniff, sniff)
 

Hey, Comrades,

I found the love of my life (Comrade Tovarich) right here on The People's Cube™. And, all I had to do was login!
 

 

UPDATED CURRENT TRUTH:

Valentine's Day is coming up




 

 

It’s that time of year when The Cube™ falls in love,
Every thing in life seems to say: Merry Christmas Happy Cubist Day!



Tonight is the first time I heard this. I love it. Had to share it with you.
 

Komrades, while it IS good to distract oneself while the State passes laws to further help us by controlling our lives even more, we must keep in mind that the State is our One True Love. But keep on giving valentines, it really stimulates the paper market and raises quotas so that Glorious Production can be further emphasized in our "Livin' In the USSA" foreign television, radio, and print ads.

---

Pamalinsky

It’s that time of year when The Cube™ falls in love,
Every thing in life seems to say: Merry Christmas Happy Cubist Day!



C'mon! How could you forget Mr. Nat's classic!?



I dunno about my fellow comrades with a sausage and 2 eggs, but this one's a LOT easier to sing. I don't know what the hell kinda falsetto Dave's singing in but it makes me cough like I took a nice big breath of sawdust.

---

El Presidente

The attachment bill.jpg is no longer available

El Presidente, I believe you have pioneered a new euphemism for "rear-centered intercourse" - The Back Door Humidor!

---

spykmans_fault

Valentine 1:

Reminds me of the old pickup line:
"Hey, does this rag smell of chloroform to you?"

Valentine 2:

Be careful with the term "Social Contract"! Don't wanna give the proles any ideas!
 

Stierlitz! Wake up!

You know, Comrade Stierlitz,

I think you might qualify for the “Point Misser of the Year” Award,” a special award I, personally, give those who offer “competitive” video posts that somehow, wish to trump mine. It’s very irritating since, all I wanted to do was express my feelings about something. I used a video to express it.

While I appreciate the artistic contributions of the esteemed Nat King Cole, I do not consider myself in competition with him in any way. I just wanted to post something that expressed my feelings at the time. There is no competition here. None whatever.

I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate what I posted. Your loss. David Bowie died last week. This video I posted was something I had never seen. I thought it was beautiful, wanted to share. That’s all. If you listen carefully, you will realize his "tone" reflects what was his interpretation of the world at that time. His facial expressions are real and honest.

I also thought my post expressed the loss and confusion of innocence and sweetness of our beautiful country, something I value, and breaks my heart.

I like what she did at the end. She shattered the delusion with a friggin' chair!

That's what I call "Love."

Happy Valentines Day Comrade Stierlitz,

Your pal,
Pamalinsky
 

Pamalinsky

Stierlitz! Wake up!

You know, Comrade Stierlitz,

I think you might qualify for the “Point Misser of the Year” Award,” a special award I, personally, give those who offer “competitive” video posts that somehow, wish to trump mine. It’s very irritating since, all I wanted to do was express my feelings about something. I used a video to express it.

While I appreciate the artistic contributions of the esteemed Nat King Cole, I do not consider myself in competition with him in any way. I just wanted to post something that expressed my feelings at the time. There is no competition here. None whatever.

I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate what I posted. Your loss. David Bowie died last week. This video I posted was something I had never seen. I thought it was beautiful, wanted to share. That’s all. If you listen carefully, you will realize his "tone" reflects what was his interpretation of the world at that time. His facial expressions are real and honest.

I also thought my post expressed the loss and confusion of innocence and sweetness of our beautiful country, something I value, and breaks my heart.

I like what she did at the end. She shattered the delusion with a friggin' chair!

That's what I call "Love."

Happy Valentines Day Comrade Stierlitz,

Your pal,
Pamalinsky

Hey Mate! I was just makin' jokes! Dave's song is good, I was just makin' idle jokin' chit-chat! And thanks for your interpretation, before, and this is no joke, I just saw Dave mingling in a weird party. I guess you can see that I unconsciously stay in the shallow end when it comes to reading into things. Now I've made the connection, and I see what you mean. And I'm shit at reading body language and facial expressions, so that probably wasn't to my aid. Take the face at the 2:16 mark and the dancing afterwards, I'm guessing you see that as a facial expression of love, but I originally saw it as a sassy f-you face. Anyway, thanks for the clarification. I must confess that I, too, have been in your position on some discussion boards, having to explain my sentiments about something that somebody took the wrong way, so I know how you feel, and I apologise for any misunderstandings or insults taken.

FORWARD!
 

It is the time of year comrades. Who will you choose as your oppressor... I mean valentine?
 

Comrade Stierlitz

Pamalinsky

Stierlitz! Wake up!

You know, Comrade Stierlitz,

I think you might qualify for the “Point Misser of the Year” Award,” a special award I, personally, give those who offer “competitive” video posts that somehow, wish to trump mine. It’s very irritating since, all I wanted to do was express my feelings about something. I used a video to express it.

While I appreciate the artistic contributions of the esteemed Nat King Cole, I do not consider myself in competition with him in any way. I just wanted to post something that expressed my feelings at the time. There is no competition here. None whatever.

I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate what I posted. Your loss. David Bowie died last week. This video I posted was something I had never seen. I thought it was beautiful, wanted to share. That’s all. If you listen carefully, you will realize his "tone" reflects what was his interpretation of the world at that time. His facial expressions are real and honest.

I also thought my post expressed the loss and confusion of innocence and sweetness of our beautiful country, something I value, and breaks my heart.

I like what she did at the end. She shattered the delusion with a friggin' chair!

That's what I call "Love."

Happy Valentines Day Comrade Stierlitz,

Your pal,
Pamalinsky

Hey Mate! I was just makin' jokes! Dave's song is good, I was just makin' idle jokin' chit-chat! And thanks for your interpretation, before, and this is no joke, I just saw Dave mingling in a weird party. I guess you can see that I unconsciously stay in the shallow end when it comes to reading into things. Now I've made the connection, and I see what you mean. And I'm shit at reading body language and facial expressions, so that probably wasn't to my aid. Take the face at the 2:16 mark and the dancing afterwards, I'm guessing you see that as a facial expression of love, but I originally saw it as a sassy f-you face. Anyway, thanks for the clarification. I must confess that I, too, have been in your position on some discussion boards, having to explain my sentiments about something that somebody took the wrong way, so I know how you feel, and I apologise for any misunderstandings or insults taken.

FORWARD!

Thanks, Stierlitz,
I was just coming back to edit my previous post regarding you when I found this one of yours.
I wanted to say that I knew you were saying your thing as well and, maybe I was being too harsh about it. I don't really think you are a "point misser". Actually, you're pretty smart and make sincere efforts to communicate honestly and do it well. Thanks so much for responding.
Love,
Pammie
 

Be having good Saint Comrade Valentine's Day.
 

Truth Revolt posted our story at the top of their home page -

The People's Cube Valentine's Day Guide to Dating Dictators



 

Margaret

Why aren't there more women dictators? I'm really offended. Shouldn't there be as many women dictators as male dictators? Hey wait. It just struck me. All those Date the Dictator sites are for women to meet the big powerful male dictator. You know, there's something really really fishy about that. There aren't any women dictators! Dictatorship is a man's club! There aren't any women dictators!

Ohhhhh.... I see. I see. Ohhhh.... This is all about male power and oppression. Right down to the Date the Dictator thing. Ohhhh...
Although true, many women having successfully followed the dating protocol, have vicariously achieved Dictatoress status, Such as Indira Gandhi most famous for her State of Emergency. In 1975 Indira declared a state of emergency, giving her dictatorial powers. Civil liberties and democracy was suspended during The Emergency. Opposition leaders were arrested. A controversial family planning program was put in place, which led to many Indians being unwillingly sterilized.

Or Jiang Qing wife of Mao Zedong during the Cultural Revolution, Qing rose to power. She generally took a hard-line stance on policy, opposing for instance economic reforms and determinedly prosecuting her political opponents. She was widely disliked. Then there is Elena Ceaușescu was the wife of Romanian Communist dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu, who ruled Romania during the latter period of the Cold War. Like Jiang Qing, Elena Ceaușescu gained political power and political positions during this period.

Or last but not least Imelda Marcos was the wife of Ferdinand Marcos, who ruled over the Philippines from the 1960s to the 1980s. Like Elena Ceaușescu, Imelda Marcos used her position to gain power and political positions. She was quite infamous for her collection of shoes and for the fortune she gained during the dictatorship.Take heart a Woman my yet achieve the Glorious Standard of Dictatoress for Life and Heroine of the People.