Thought Police:

In the future everyone will get canceled for fifteen minutes

Biden proposes bill to spend two trillion dollars on more money printing factories

Social unity: They pretend to hold elections and we pretend we voted

Immigrants to Texas and Florida from New York and California break down and cry when they realize all their sacrifices for a better tomorrow were based on lies

China anal swabs detect new 'silent but deadly' transmission of covid-19 variant

Social science breakthrough: 'White' is the new way of saying 'Bourgeois'

Biden administration swat teams make sweeping arrests of underground female-only track meets

'Green energy' to be renamed 'blackout energy' for easier comprehension of climate complexities

New children's game: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Science

Texas: Biden administration sends emergency wind turbines to help fight the blackouts

BREAKING: Biden signs executive order canceling the number 45

ATTENTION: It is your duty to report anyone who says this is no longer a free country. Fact-checking commissars are monitoring all state-approved social media platforms for your convenience

OUT: If you don't vote, you can't complain!
IN: If you didn't vote Democrat, you can't complain!

Social media justice: followers removed from pro-Trump accounts will be added to Biden's Twitter account

Fact check: a democratic election is the one in which votes are counted until Democrats win

JUST IN: China bans Twitter for being too totalitarian

Pelosi introduces new House rule to replace 'gender' terms like mother, daughter, father, son with the word 'comrade'; the only acceptable pronoun will also be 'comrade'

Sources: Biden transition team demands access to White House basement to begin renovations

BREAKING: President Trump pardons America for its past

Prime Minister Modi: to avoid accusations of racism India will change its name to Cleveland

Biden creates Antifascist Librarian Justice Committee; the first book scheduled for burning is Fahrenheit 451

Media study: 148% of Americans believe voter fraud doesn't exist

2020 Election forecast: if Joe Biden emerges from the basement on Election Day and sees his shadow, expect four more years of Trump

BREAKING: President Trump pardons Corn Pop

Toobin, though on administrative leave, is still pulling for Biden

Chinese whistleblower: Biden-20 was genetically engineered in a Wuhan lab

Nancy Pelosi sponsors a bill to create the office of removal of the President

New college humanities major: Critical Trump Studies

Opinion: Joe Biden is just an idea

CNN: Biden took a solid second place in the debate, while Trump only came next to last

Having ordered that all Californians switch to electric cars by 2035, Gov. Gavin Newsom follows up by mandating them to have electricity by 2035

Election 2020: Joe Biden pledges to a peaceful post-election transfer of power to George Soros

Out: Flatten the curve. In: Flatten the country.

Breaking: the Democrat Party has finished transitioning from being the party of JFK to being the party of Lee Harvey Oswald

Paradigm shift in Chromatics: Study shows Indigo (#3F00FF) mixed with Jamaic (#C0FF01) yields Black (#000000)

Study: the trouble with wokeism is eventually you run out of victims

Stacey Abrams refuses to concede to Harris; declares herself Biden's VP

Election 2020: Spunky former presidential candidate wins VP slot by a head

Churches in many states to hold services in opened up pubs and bars

Election 2020: Xi Jinping still undecided on vice president for Joe Biden

Reports: Republicans pounce on 'Republicans pounce' reports

Minneapolis launches online looting app to combat Covid-19

DNC study finds lockdowns no longer necessary as the economy is now being destroyed more effectively by looters and rioters

With America in lockdown, China offers to host Democrat primary

Bernie Sanders tests negative for President

In related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe Biden

New York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a job

Biden commits to picking a woman as running mate as long as she passes his sniff test

Joe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them

Russian lawmakers warned that the American Democrats are meddling to re-elect Putin

Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies

Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote

Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box

BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch

Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead

Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."

Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'

Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash

California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit

BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican

California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge

Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir

Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record

Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist

Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative

Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations

Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama

NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy

HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack

Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth

Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"

Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached

Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated

International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men

Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry

AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation

Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected

West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia

BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan

DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls

Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm

Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones

Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists

Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America

CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees

Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school

Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen

Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires

San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws

Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk

With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity

California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints

Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco

Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming

Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies

San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag

BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism

Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution

BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer

IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case

Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"

Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry

Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion

MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border

BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania

Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations

Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional

New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name

Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens

Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead

Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritas™ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'

TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist

RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma

Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble

This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding

Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline

Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'

Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles

Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows

Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system

DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights

Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure

Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump

Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia

CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes

ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers

When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was

CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry

Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'

BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.

DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'

Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago

Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same

BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private

DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia

BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia

Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds

Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses

BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton

University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved

Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day official holiday

Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do

Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face

Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?

Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate

Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated

Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens

Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play

"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"

Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in

"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists

Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"

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