Yes, but...

Trump is a rogue President. Pence is a rogue Vice-President, McConnell is a rogue Kentuckian Senate guy, Bill Barr is a rogue AG and Trump voters are rogue voters.

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Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read it and weep.

IN THIS ISSUE:

- Lisa Page complains about challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. "Competition is fierce."
- They hate me just because they know me.
- Trump stole my tiny violin and the mofo can't even play!
- Fairness means that I dish it out without having to take it.
- Trump faked my orgasm. Didn't even sound like me, ask anyone at the FBI head office.
- Text yourself into victimhood with this weird trick.
- Is Santa Claus a Russian operative? Ask Hillary.
- The Next Big Thing: Impeach Santa.

Get a free lifetime subscription courtesy of the Deep State

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To be named Time's Person of the Year, Greta Thunberg needed to pass Uncle Joe's smell test - or that's what he wanted her to believe.

Greta's win has angered the Orange Man, who tweeted: "So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!"

Greta's handlers quickly changed her Twitter profile: "A teenager working on her anger management problem. Currently chilling and watching a good old fashioned movie with a friend."

Guess which friend took Greta to a good old fashioned movie to chill.

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I want a new Drudge
One that ain't losing clicks
One that wont make me gnash my teeth
Or cater to ... old peaceniks
I want a new Drudge
One that wont be misled
One that wont be all filled with lies
And make my eyes see red

One that'll be impervious
To Deep State point of view
One that makes me feel like
I'm dealing with real news
And I'm disowning you

I want a new Drudge
One that won't bail...

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As Democratic candidates drop out, others join the fray, and today a new candidate enters the field of fledgling fighters vying for the chance to win the Presidency in 2020.

Billing her-or-himself as the mystery candidate whom no one knows at all, "so there is no baggage that can drag me down like those other losers," he or she vows "to fight for you, the common everyday people."

The candidate of mystery with no prior history of anything that might bog down his-or-her campaign has a wonderfully infectious high pitched laugh and piercing words of enthusiasm for America, and the chance to be your President so that "the country can get back on its feet after the last three years of depression and heavy drinking."

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Here is a real, undoctored photo of Joe Biden sucking on wife Jill's finger as she speaks to his potential voters at a campaign stop in Iowa.

Given that Biden's campaign poster in the photo says "No malarkey" and his campaign bus is also named "No malarkey," it is safe to assume that all of this is somehow connected.

Is Joe suffering from malarkey-deficiency? Is he sniffing every girl's hair to detect the presence of malarkey? Is his campaign slogan a complaint about the lack of malarkey? Is it a promise to bring malarkey to every American home?

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PROG OFF -- In the last few days, media talking heads have been saying the word "CrowdStrike" a lot, defining it as a wild conspiracy theory originating in Moscow. They were joined by Chris Wallace at Fox News, who informed us that president Trump and his ill-informed fans believe in a crazy idea that the DNC wasn't hacked by the Russians but by some Ukrainian group named CrowdStrike that stole the DNC server and brought it to Ukraine, and that it was Ukraine that meddled in our 2016 election and not Russia.

A crazy idea indeed. Except that neither Trump nor his fans had ever heard of it until the Democrat-media complex condescendingly informed them that these are their beliefs...

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President Trump has tweeted a picture he is representing as himself with his shirt off. Many concerned citizens have asked if this is in fact an actual picture of the President. The People's Cube assigned its resident internet pictures scholars to find out the true facts. They have found this claim to be false.

"This is NOT an actual photo of President Trump with his shirt off. 97% of international experts agree that this picture was doctored by Trump in an attempt to falsify his record as the worst president by pretending he actually played Rocky in the award-winning movie. Nobody except his cultist followers will believe that he was in that film. Another day, another impeachable offense..."

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Teach your kids socialist values with this play kit. Includes Barbie and Ken in the kitchen of a Soviet communal apartment, with a realistic look and feel of the era, circa 1970s or 1980s.

Guaranteed to turn all children into Bernie-voting socialists when they grow up.

Just tell them that in Soviet Russia, dolls play you!

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PROG OFF. Well, well, well. The US-Ukraine corruption turns out to be much more than just one Biden. It's a huge multi-level money laundering scheme in which the Bidens are a tiny cog. When the Dems want us to leave Biden alone, they're protecting many other, yet unnamed players.

They have no choice but to protect Biden by claiming he can't be investigated because he's Trump's political opponent. This may be the reason why Biden is in the race in the first place, against his will. It's their angle. If he drops out, Dems will lose their major angle. So Biden will keep running until this matter is resolved one way or another, or until he simply drops dead between...

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It seems that Mr. Vindman is now on his way to join the pantheon of heroic prog-martyrs, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Christine Blasey Ford, Jussie Smollett, and others.

Let me respond with this prepared, prog-off statement:

As another immigrant from Soviet Ukraine: Vindman, you're a windbag. I shouldn't even call you a fellow immigrant. You were brought to the US by your dad with a cushy refugee status and government assistance, living among welfare sponges on Brighton Beach. You didn't know the hardships of living in the USSR...

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If your mailbox is getting filled with emails promising lucrative money transfers from Eastern Europe to your personal checking account coming from "Hunter Biden, son of the ousted Vice President Joe Biden, do not respond.

Thousands of people in Eastern Europe and around the world have reportedly been scammed by such proposals in recent years. The emails usually contain urgent business proposals, from shipments of thermal blankets for the military to wiring millions of dollars to your savings account for a 30% portion of the amount...

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And now all our "Epstein didn't kill himself" images are on one thread.

The first post has our originals, then pictures by others follow in the comments.

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The plot is set in Venezuela, an oil-rich country in a terrible economic and political crisis. As a savvy consumer of progressive news outlets, you are puzzled as to why the formerly richest country in South America has sunk into poverty, crime, and corruption. Don't fret, our Hollywood comrades will unpuzzle you.

You see, Venezuela is collapsing because it has elected a "nationalist" president. That's right. His policies are as nationalistic and capitalistic as those of Trump and Hitler before him. This has plunged Venezuela into a dark, Orwellian hellhole. Not only does this story explain recent history in easy to understand terms, it also serves as a dire warning: if we don't overthrow Trump...

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Comrades, join the new people's pastime: History-Is-Repeating-Itself! Called HIRI™ for short, the rules are simple.

1. Find a character from history that nobody likes.
2. Find a similarity between that character and Trump. Extra points for squeezing in words like Orwellian and Eerie.
3. Declare, "History is repeating itself!"

For example, if comparing Trump to Hitler is too cliche, then compare him to Adolf Eichmann or maybe Jefferson Davis or Alexander Stephens. There are so many unlikable people to choose from like King Herod, Nero, Ivan IV, or Nancy Pelosi.

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A progressive answer to Atlas Shrugged

Who are the most essential people in our nation? The deep state bureaucrats. And yet they are vilified and forced to limit the scope of their important work because of archaic legal and constitutional constraints and some worrisome growing calls for greater accountability.

But what if they all suddenly disappeared? What if the deep state were to go on strike and vanish without a trace to some secret location, so remote and hidden that not a single leak points at its existence?

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Tiny bits of ISIS: Gunpowder flavored dog food. For happier, healthier dogs. Hellfire-smoked Bag-h-dadi. Can be used as training treats.

---

This was originally a comment on another thread, but given an overwhelming response on social media, I made it into a standalone topic.

Trump shares image of Laika the Space Dog getting a medal

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If Mitt Romney were to take paid lessons from Carlos Danger, he couldn't have picked a more upright Twitter handle than Pierre Delecto, which is Latin for "Delightful Peter."

The clues were all out there, we just didn't know how to look. Observe these headlines from recent years:

- Mitt Romney's Porn Star Endorsements
- Mitt Romney and a porno spoof
- Romney's Secret Life as a Pornographer
- First Lady of Porn Endorses Mitt Romney
- Marriott, Mitt Romney, and porn

These are the same organs of the elites with whom Romney has been trying to get in bed. By doing so, he has admitted everything they'd ever said about him was true...

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Notice how not a single one of the mainstream media headlines about Hillary accusing Tulsi of being a Russian asset include the two words, "without evidence."

Instead, Tulsi Gabbard, without evidence, falsely accuses Hillary of being queen of warmongers, embodiment of corruption, and personification of rot, etc.

Poor Hillary, everyone is against her. Nobody lets her do anything. There's a vast rightwing conspiracy against her. There's a vast leftwing conspiracy against her. All everybody else in the world does is obsess over Hillary and how they can hurt her. Poor Hillary. Poor, poor, poor, Hillary.

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I didn't watch tonight's Democratic Debate because of some urgent Party business I had to attend to with Ivan the Stakhanovets at Tractor Barn #2. The plan was to play a drinking game while watching the debate, but we started practicing a bit too early and I passed out before it began.

The last thing I remember seeing on TV was a gigantic flying saucer hovering over the stage, so I missed the part where the candidates descended from it onto the stage, or were beamed up to it afterwards, as well as everything in between.

So I was hoping my comrades here could fill me in about what happened.

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This list has been shortened for brevity. In real life, each of these statements ends with "Stop spreading conspiracy theories, you racist nut."

As of this writing, Hunter Biden is resigning from the board of the Chinese company, Barack Obama is in hiding to avoid unnerving questions, and Joe Biden himself is calling for Trump's impeachment and uses big words about patriotism, democracy, and the Constitution.

This should be your first clue, because when you hear Democrats talk about patriotism, you can bet they've stolen something and are about to be exposed...

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On this "Indigenous People Day" (formerly known as "Columbus Day"), we celebrate our post-Columbian Wokeness:

Being Woke to the fact that "indigenousness" means "innateness, inherentness or naturalness," the Indigenous People of Wokedom are demanding that all discoverees are entitled to recover honors stolen by their so-called discoverers.
included...

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- North Korea publishes satellite image of California at night
- CALIFORNIA STRONG: "Five dollar a gallon gas is no big deal 'cuz there's no electricity to run the pumps anyway."
- DEPORTATIONS ARE COMING: California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Russian kulaks, vows revenge.
- CLIMATE STUDY: "There's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist."
- NBA replaces U.S. anthem with China's, encourages players to kneel.

This and other latest truth from around the world in today's Daily Fail.

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I have recently discovered a Facebook feature that allows us to have "shops," where FB can process online payments and transfer them to our bank accounts. So I happily set up a shop for just one item - the red People's Cube - and started waiting. Today I discovered that Facebook has banned our product on the grounds that it might be an adult item.

I tried submitting an appeal form but Facebook responded by saying, "Your Request Couldn't be Processed."

This leaves me with no choice but to add a few more paragraphs to my original appeal and post it in our glorious Party Organ.

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By "People's Will," I mean one of the revolutionary ancestors of the Bolshevik Party. People's Will was formed ostensibly out of compassion for the conditions of workers and peasants during the reign of Tsar Alexander II.

Alexander is remembered for his role as the Great Liberator, the tsar who ended the practice of serfdom in Russia.

One would have thought that the People's Will would have rejoiced to see Alexander using his royal authority to end serfdom and make a way for improving the lives of Russia's peasants. What they saw instead was a threat to the existence of their party...

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It appears that the list of 27 Russian individuals and companies that have been indicted, pleaded guilty, or been convicted in Special Counsel Mueller's probe, contained the name of Laika the Space Dog, whose aliases also included "Friend of People." 

According to documents obtained by us through a FOIA request, the notorious space canine has long been on the Mueller team's radar over suspicions that she and her associates may have colluded with Donald Trump to sway the results of the presidential election of 2016.

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I've always thought that the Democrats and the Left in general would make the best Bond villains.

When I first came to America and began to look around trying to learn its popular culture, I was surprized to find that just about every critically acclaimed book or movie was about exposing the evils of capitalism.

The villains were always rich entrepreneurs, US military, or the CIA. In other words, those who build, improve, and defend this country were immoral, shameless criminals, while the heroes of our time were leftist activists who opposed them - anti-corporate outcasts, ACLU lawyers, or victims of American foreign policies. 

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Try as we may, we cannot migrate by illegally crossing GoDaddy's firewall, so our status will have to be documented. That means running into expenses. We urge our faithful readers to donate their arm and a leg, sell a sister, and help us carry the people's load. You won't need money in the Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

DONATE HERE

BUY THE PEOPLE'S CUBE

BUY HOTEL USSR

BUY SHAKEDOWN SOCIALISM

Visit the People's State Store #86
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Never go full Fredo.

That's what the CNN anchor, Chris Cuomo, did yesterday, when a young man addressed him as Fredo and asked to take a picture. The bespectacled young man must have been listening to Rush Limbaugh, who had been the first to nickname Chris Cuomo "Fredo." The man honestly believed that Fredo was Cuomo's given name.

Instead of correcting the mistake, Cuomo went on a violent and foul-mouthed tirade, which prompted the young man to take off his glasses, anticipating a blow to the head.

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This time, instead of a choir of stray cats, the anthem singer was a completely bald woman in monstrous sunglasses, which aptly foreshadowed the freak show about to unfold. Dee Dee Bridgewater was listed as a jazz singer, but her style was neither jazzy nor classy. It was rather an "I got drunk at a karaoke bar and totally forgot I can't sing" kind of style. 

It seemed that after 60 years of the Democratic one-party rule, the once booming city of Motown had lost not only half of its population and industries, but also all of its legendary performers. And the powerful people on that stage were itching to do the same to the rest of America, only faster.

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Okay, like, I had this totally awful dream last night, okay - in my safe space! It was literally the worst dream I have ever literally had. It went like this:

It was November 3, 2020. Bernie won! It was wonderful that he won because that meant that Trump was gone! My feminist studies professor told me that Trump was literally the worst Republican president since Hitler, and I believe him. Everybody on campus was cheering, hugging, dancing, getting high, and waving rainbow flags while burning American flags. It was the greatest day in our nation's history...

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Trump has so angered the Democrats that the DNC held an emergency meeting on Wednesday to review possible changes to their by-laws which, surprisingly, have no mention of rats. Due to the group's overwhelming sympathy for what Nancy Pelosi described as ground squirrels only dumber, a resolution was brought forward to change the Democrat mascot from donkey to rat.

A heated debate ensued when Representative Nadler pointed out that Trump frequently disparages penguins and that respect for all mammals should be included...

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In the aftermath of Robert Mueller's appearance before Congress, the star of the show, Robert Swan Mueller III, was named as the new face of a nationwide literacy program that encourages a culture of reading and comprehension by working with parents, teachers, and community partners to establish the importance of reading in homes, schools, and communities.

Mueller's performance will be used by the National Education Association to promote phonemic awareness (knowing that words are made up of sounds), vocabulary (what words mean and how to say them), fluency (the ability to read words accurately and quickly), and comprehension (the ability to understand what you read).

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Donald Trump's tweets come to life in this short visualization. The Squad leaves a country they can't stand and everyone lives happily ever after. The end.

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After more than two years of hating on the Russians, the NYT virtue signals the space diversty of the Soviet space program in the wake of the anniversary of the US beating them to the moon...

We know the Soviet Union also championed diversity when it came to who they sent to the gulag.

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Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain nor anxiety."With so many zealots simmering in the anti-American melting pot of "progress," one might think they had already cooked some shared historical narrative in which anti-Americanism actually makes sense and the entire Leftist agenda doesn't appear so absurd. What is it?

Most "progressive" critics either don't think that far, or they don't have the guts to give their views a full exposure. So let's do it for them. Let's connect the dots with logical lines and reconstruct a historical narrative that would validate all the liberal bumper stickers.

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Have you always wanted to have a People's Cube on your desk or your bookshelf as a conversation piece or a meditation item? Have you wished you could use it in a debate as a visual aid to prove your point about socialism? Have you been postponing the purchase because of a high price?

The wait is over! You can now buy one at a 55% discount, for only $10 capitalist exploitation units!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER!

Several special interest groups have come together to protest as a day of discrimination, as it allegedly stacks the deck against those women who are unable to become fathers, as well against those men who have chosen not to. 

"It's like an annual poke in the eye," said one concerned citizen, who did not wish to be self-identified as a member of any particular orientation nor gender. "As Michelle Obama recently said, the time has come to reconsider our traditions...

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After having watched all five episodes of the new HBO miniseries, Chernobyl, we feel it is our duty to denounce this show for its counter-revolutionary agitation and to report its creators for slander and sabotage to the proper authorities. 

On behalf of all progressive workers and peasants, we further demand that all digital copies of this muckraking British-American series be destroyed, all digits be scrambled and buried under a ton of concrete like the radioactive dead dogs in Episode 4. All TV schedules must be retroactively cleansed of this title to erase the memory of its existence, and this very report must be also burned after reading along with all the viewing equipment.

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Two out of five is nice, but four out of ten sounds like we are influencing a greater number, so we're going with that. If we can't shame them to come over to the Red side, we change how we count the population. Since numbers in Gulag don't count, we'll rise to majority in no time.

Report your neighbors with cars, nicer things, better shovels, you know the drill. Little Jimmy (or Jamal) goes to school with a government cheese sandwich, but Sally and Chad have chicken salad sandwiches and a bag of chips? Report them to your teacher, and if she doesn't forward the report, report HER!

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Alabama has signed a bill into law which denies women the right to exist and sets the clock back thousands of years. Progressive activists tried to win the argument by posting a meme that showed all the white males behind this bill. But they were told it has been signed into law by Governor Kay Ivey, who is a woman.

Nice try. Everybody knows that white women have no right to comment on abortion unless they're in favor of it, because they don't know what it's like to be a woman. Only progressive women may comment on abortion because they know what it's like to be a woman. The same goes for progressive men who also know what's it's like to be a woman.

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PITTSBURGH — Joseph R. Biden Jr. used his first address as a presidential candidate Monday to sketch out his economic plans, vowing to bring back the economic recession and unemployment of the Obama years, and - with any luck - the Great Depression engineered by the greatest Democrat president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. 

"The only great things about America in my lifetime were the Great Depression and the great presidency of FDR," Mr. Biden told a crowd of union members in Pittsburgh, PA. "The long lines to the soup kitchens had united the nation like never before or after. We were all equal in our misery then."

The former vice president pointed out that the subsequent tax cuts and the cutting of government regulations had plunged the country into the darkness...

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Some people did something in Sri Lanka, and then some people tweeted something about some 'Easter worshippers' who died there. And since no one had heard of 'Easter worshippers' before, no one cared.

The DNC has apparently sent out a memo to make sure all tweets conform to the "gravitas-type" standard of unanimity.

No word on whether the Ramadan worshippers will be showing solidarity by wearing bunny-eared hats to the burials of painted Easter eggs.

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I'm a little bit creepy, old man by your side
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't hand out candy, but boy if I did
I'd drive a van on the street you live

If I was a stalker, but, but then again, no
Or the man who looks in your windows on nights when you don't know
They say it's not much, but it's just what I do
My gift is my touch, and this one's for you

And now watches everybody my little wrong
It may be perverted, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I got on your nerves
How creepy my life is, cos I'm just a perv...

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April 1st in our kollektive is always the day of remembrance and celebration. We honor the unparalleled achievements of our Party organ throughout its heroic existence, and we celebrate all our glorious successes of the past year.

The main Current Truth of the past year was the Trump-Motherland Kollusion. Ending with the Mueller report, all the goals of our Five Year Kollusion Plan have been achieved ahead of schedule: pit Amerikans against each other, demoralize the nation, and portray its leaders as disturbingly vile degenerates. The Kremlin comrades who wrote the Steele Dossier have received government medals and are currently rolling on the floor laughing...

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The most damning testimony yet proving Trump's culpability was Robert's Mueller's recent claim during a CNN interview: "He turned me into a newt!"

A somewhat startled Christiane Amanpour blurted, "A newt!?" Appearing momentarily befuddled, Mueller seemed to recover himself and offer a rational explanation: "Well, I got better," he said to satisfied nods among the press corps.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was deeply concerned by revelations of Trump's magical powers. "If he has power to turn good men like Mueller into a newt, he may have power to cast spells and confuse...

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BYOB: bring your own beets, comrades. Or potatoes, if you're feeling adventurous.

The word on the street is that Schiff is about to demand a special prosecutor to investigate Mueller's obvious collusion with Russia in his investigation of Trump's obvious collusion with Russia.

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I just wasn't ready for kittens. Maybe later when things are better and I'm in the right space for kittens, but not now. Why should my life be disrupted by visits to the vet, shots, getting the little furballs spayed and neutered, extra cat litter, and the list just goes on and on. Also, it's the best thing for Athena, my tabby who has a right to choose. I know my cat, and I can tell you she's not ready for kittens, either. So, we decided it's off to the vet to have her litter aborted, and it was such a positive experience.

First, the vet took a sonogram of the little kitty fetuses. I still have the picture, and it's one of my dearest possessions. Also, the vet had a group of interns who had come to see different cat abortion techniques...

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Beto announces his 2020 presidential bid while hypnotizing his dog via the butt-rubbing technique.

Бeto's inspirational poetry is very Maya Angelou-ish. With his cow love obsession and AOC's psychotic bovine hatred, these two should provide the Yin and Yang to the Democratic election process.

Read the entire thread.

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The Democrat Party's quest of finding newer and more diverse faces has gone terribly well during the 2018 midterms, packing the U.S. Congress with record numbers of radically new and extremely diverse persons of gender.

The most drastically fresh new faces, no doubt, belong to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib. The mere sight of this previously unimaginable new generation of leaders fills our heart with awful pride. We can't help but shiver with intense joy from the realization that America's iconic political landscape is about to be fundamentally transformed.

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To all oppressed persons of gender:

Happy International Women's Day!

Islamic Ban on Female Flatulence Benefits Women Worldwide

We're all Women Now!

March 8th - Womyn Day

McDonald's flips arches upside down to celebrate Women's Day

All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE! 

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If you've been concerned about deadly teen crazes with kids eating Tide Pods or snorting condoms, prepare for a new wave of panic. The ominous suicide challenge "AOC" has been spreading on social media, destroying lives, careers, and livelihoods in its wake.

The AOC challenge is associated with the creepy image of a woman with huge bulging eyes and ominous smile - the stuff of nightmares for children and dentists alike. It's as if someone combined a dark-haired Barbie doll with a bug-eyed version of the girl from The Ring and inexplicably decided to make her a congresswoman from New York with socialist credentials.

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Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who is a self-identified hominoid, has a new anthropomorphized advocate on the campaign trail - and Donald Trump Jr. says it's proof that she is struggling to resonate with her homo sapiens base as a bipedal homo erectus.

Warren, who declared her intention to seek the 2020 Democratic nomination last month, has been taking her cis-quadrupedal, self-identified canine companion, Wahanassatta, with her to campaign stops, in order to highlight her secondary anthropoid characteristics.

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I love Jussie. I believe Jussie! The police are lying about him. You know how much police hate black people.

Why, just last night I was in San Francisco, or maybe it was Los Angeles. It was past midnight and I couldn't sleep because it was pouring down rain and soaking thru my cardboard box. So it had to be Los Angeles. Yeah, I'm camping out here hoping to see some of my favorite celebrities on the red carpet for the Oscars this Sunday night. I might even get to take selfies with them. Maybe Brad Pitt will offer to make me his date...

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To the Democrat leaders these amateurs are what suicide bombers are to the leaders of ISIS: disposable human material and acceptable losses in a war for power. Smollett's life may now be in pieces, but he has left a lasting resentful stain in the public square, having earned gratitude from 72 progressive self-identified virgins.

Smollett's name will now be forever tied to all the past, present, and future political hoaxes, immortalized in the Party-approved Pull-a-Smollett game.

Have you pulled a Smollett lately? If so, tell us your story. It may be added as another game card to our stack. hy progdom come!

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Q: What did socialists use for lighting before candles? 

A: Electricity

It's unclear what religion these three are the saints of, but their commandments obviously include envy, adultery, theft, covetousness, bearing false witness, idolatry, and killing babies.

Although these devotional candles have quickly sold out, the photo of the product has taken a life of its own, posted by devout progs on their pages of worship. Thy progdom come!

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A new movement has been launched to make Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a barmaid again. 

Due to her being sent to Washington, she no longer has unfettered access to the tip jar at the Flats Fix taqueria.

If she could get her barmaid job back to supplement her income, perhaps she could then afford the high rent in Seattle.

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Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.

Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.

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The LGBTQ Commission for the mayor of Baltimore has just fired its only lesbian member, Julia Beck, for using male pronouns while referring to a convicted male rapist who wanted to be addressed as a female. Finding such behavior disgraceful, her former LGBTQ comrades have also denounced her and purged her from their ranks. 

The male convict in question had earlier courageously declared himself a transgendered woman, for which he was cheered on by the progressive local establishment and sent to a female prison. Shortly afterwards he deployed his gender-fluid trans-penis to rape two cisgendered female inmates...

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Trump tres to unite a divided political ruling class.

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Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. "I've been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited" said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that "fashion police authority was just a bonus." 

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American workers and peasants! A danger is creeping over the beloved socialist government in Venezuela. A Yankee imperialist coup is about to overthrow their heroic leader, who has a unanimous support of all progressive celebrities and Democratic Socialists in the U.S. It compels us to produce these Party-approved slogans and visual agitation, to be printed in thousands of copies, displayed and chanted enthusiastically at Party-organized spontaneous rallies in your neighborhoods, schools, factories, and collective farms.

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If you have trouble celebrating, learn these simple but helpful rules:

Always celebrate. No matter what, remain in a celebrating mood. Use Party-approved substances when needed.

Always have a reason to celebrate. Excuses are many, just pick one. Or make one up, as you may have guessed by now.

CARE about celebrating. If your reason to celebrate seems important, don't hesitate to impose it on your comrades.

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New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo continues to make major changes in the name of progress and tolerance. These will appeal to liberal-progressives, and benefit ex cons and mass murderers across the nation. Signing off on these new policies will launch the governor's bid for his presidential run among the 353,739 candidates now on the Democrat ticket.

The governor just signed into law after ending the death penalty, a woman's right to abort about-to-be-born babies who could live outside the womb - up to the moment of birth. 

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From the halls of Maytag-zuma
To the stores of Whirpoolie
I will fight our country's heat waves
From Lejeune to Yuma AZ*
First to check for leaks in Freon
And to keep that coil clean
I ain't proud you learned my title 
Of an HVAC tech Marine

From a brig in Camp Lejeune-ah
To a cell near Orange County
I've defied my unit's standard
By vacating without leave
First to flight from routine duties
Now the Corp's prestige i'll glean
I'm beclowned to claim the title
Of a Recon Range Marine

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Gillette has gotten onboard the anti-white male bandwagon with their new ad to sell razors to women instead.

No more selling razors to those rapey metoo evil white men. They have decided to shame and bully their white toxically masculine customers with a strong message of Social Justice reinforced by the Marxist Armenian Holocaust deniers at the YoungTurks.

Those toxically male evil white HonkeyWhiteyCracker rapist men should really buy Gillette now.

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Comrades, everybody knows that it is now the "in" thing to be woke. Being woke is being korrekt, and being korrekt is being woke. Wokeness has certain markers, and all evidence points to the fact that we at the People's Cube are not just woke - we're still woke, and have always been woke. We were woke before everyone else was woke. We are the forefront pioneers of wokeness. 

The evidence is undeniable.

Attention to current events. Our search for the most current truth never stops. Thus, before Chicago declared Obama's birthday a holiday, we've been drinking beet vodka and throwing cool parties at Tractor Barn #2...

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To compensate for the lack of specifics, the two Democratic leaders tried to appear heartbroken and mournful, which made them look like a couple of Soviet citizens who had waited all day in line to the state-run store to buy toilet paper, only to be told there was none left.

As a result, most comrades remembered their rebuttal not by what they said but by how they looked because, as a wise person once said, and this may not be an exact quote, "it ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it, and the way that you stare into the camera while you're doing it."

Therefore, most meaningful commentary came in the form of pictures...

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The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist. The savage population unleashed its pent-up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

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The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as "chain migration." The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community's assessment, or ICA, was a "sound intelligence product"...

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I'm happy to report that I've just published my second book, Hotel USSR. It's a story of а young man coming of age in a totalitarian state. He wants to be an artist but he isn't authorized to buy paints. He wants to see the world but the authorities brand him as politically unreliable. He wants to get married but the system separates him from his bride. He listens to Hotel California and wishes he had their problems: he himself is stuck in a real-life trap that he "can never leave," and he calls it Hotel USSR. To check out, he must break every rule in the book.

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