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Merry Kwahaneidmas, Breast Cancer, and Domestic Violence!
A snapshot of the poster we took with our own camera at the local post office.
The suspicious Madonna stamp on the poster may seem like a weak compromise, but we believe it's a wise move to soften the blow and to ensure a smooth transition to a new progressive era.
Stalin's half-man, half-ape super-warriors
The Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents.
Stalin to scientist: "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."
Gay Dentist Movie a Critical Success
"It breaks all stereotypes," says student John Welshman. "I always thought dentists were straight! Boy did this open my eyes!"
The Gay and Lesbian Association of Dentists (GLAD) applauded the movie as "groundbreaking." Howard Fine, President of GLAD, could not be happier. "Over 80% of dentists are really gay. The rest are sadists," Fine stated bluntly.
My American Revolutionary Kicked Your Commie Revolutionary's Ass
INTERNATIONALE (Rap Version)More revolutions per minute than any capitalist label!
NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FROM PROGRESSIVE SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS!
Socialized Healthcare: No Drugs For The Useless!A foreign report from Dr. Fuku, on assignment in Europe
Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs!
As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way...
Kazakhstanis Against Borat
The fact is, Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action against comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport.
Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism
We can withstand your guns and tanks, but please, kill us all before you inflict more sensitivity training!
One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." Even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!"
Let's Do Empire Right!The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake ofour boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan!
Jewish Terrorists Misfire
Miami Beach-based Militant Zionist Octogenarian Terror Group most likely responsible
Operating on the mistaken assumption that engaging in terrorism can win sympathy for Jews the way it does for Muslims, two Israeli men opened fire on Palestinian civilians in separate incidents last month. But even though attacking the World Trade Center and the Pentagon four years ago turned out to be the best public relations move for Muslims yet, the two Israeli settlers misfired in their petty, low-key attempts to duplicate that successful strategy.
Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others
Hare Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks and dissing while working our asses off at major airports for little or no pay. Enough is enough! We demand state-enforced conversions and equal redistribution of faith and donations!"
As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents.
ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split?
* * *
From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda Headquarters
In your videotaped statement broadcast by al-Jazeera Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri looks like a respectable statesman who appreciates reasonable dialogue. As such, we hope you will address our grievances for the sake of our common goal, which we know you still believe in...
To have a public enemy of your choice indicted you must first give a contribution to the Democratic Party campaign. Terms of confinement may vary. Not valid in all Red States.
God Yields to Angry Left, Distributes Disasters Equitably
Scare those annoying unaborted fetuses with real monsters!
Did I miss anyone?
Post them here! >>
Exactly one year ago the progressive world of the dead was preparing to vote for John Kerry:
International Coalition of Dead Voters Endorses John Kerry
What Would Che Say?
Ernesto Che' Guevara signing order to arrest and shoot everybody at Cafepress.com.
And this is exactly what he would say in this case as well. Shoot the photographer who took the famous picture and all of his family members who hold the copyright to that image. The same goes for the Cafepress.com executive board, their lawyers, programmers, designers, mail room clerks, and the poor Albanian cleaning lady - for being capitalist pig-dog profiteers, the "Little Eichmans" in Ward Churchill's words, who dare make a living byexploiting Che's image, his life, and passion. They explicitly or implicitly participate in the running of Che' through the grinds, the gears, and the conveyer belt of the hated capitalist industry which Che' sought to destroy.
Hillary-Guevara '08 shorts, anyone?
In our previous story we described how Cafepress.com censored our "Che is Dead" design with a hairy skull in a beret on a vague pretext of copyright infringement - while they turned a blind eye on other shopkeepers who blatantly used corporate logos and trademarks in designs that denigrated American corporations and capitalism in general.
10/18/05 - 1:30pm
Last night I went on Cafepress and created the "Che is dead" shop again, to see what happens. It has been up for more than 12 hours without purging and sold 3 "Che is Dead" shirts! Looks like our satirical attack worked!
Which means we are capable of defeating the leftist obstructionism if we just show a little effort. I encourage all our comrades to do the same everywhere. Speak openly, be persistent, be unafraid. We shall - how you say it - overcome?MORE
Cafepress.com Censors The People's Cube
I understand and respect the copyright law, but did I really violate it? Here's my letter to Cafepress.
Dear Content Usage Associate,
A picture of a hairy skull in a beret that I drew myself as an artist can not be an infringement of anyone's copyright. I assure you it isn't even Che Guevara's skull...
Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End
Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct."
"My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people ofthe world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago."
Let's Do Imperialism Right
As every right-wing fascist knows, democracy is cumbersome and inefficient. Try to get something accomplished and you find yourself butting heads with every unwashed, uncouth commoner who has no conception of what's good for Class, Empire and the world...
Utopia Bay Beach Resort: Paradise for Weary Activists
Attention progressive, socialist, liberal, pacifist, anarchist, feminist, or environmentalist debaters! Whether you are fighting class enemy over the Internet, in school, or at your parent's house over dinner, this tool is for you. No more awkward mumbling or looking for the right word! Just enter your ideological opponent's name and generate a Progressive Truth that will render your enemies speechless!
This research is ongoing. We encourage you to submit your favorite debate framing elements for the following groups: "adjectives," "nouns," and "'because' statements" here >>
Mother Moonbat: The Movie. Don't miss It!!!
On Sunday, Sept. 18th, when a huge full moon shone over the city and miasmic odors oozed quite appropriately from disturbed sewage systems, Cindy Sheehan's bus stopped at Lafayette Ave. Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn, letting out a small pack of moonbats. Out trusty camera captured the event in a night-vision mode, complete with the sermon and a short interview with Mother Moonbat herself. She was apprehensive at first, but when we said we represented a socialist Karl Marx TreatmentCenter, she smiled and relaxed...MORE
Million Moonbats March
Who let the gays out?
"Southern Decadence" in New Orleans, Sept. 5, 2005
Words fail to describe this tragedy
Iraqi Looter Turns Up in New Orleans
The donkey-cart Baghdad looter, whose image was lovingly reproduced by worldwide media networks two years ago at the start of the Iraqi war, has turned up in New Orleans this year with colleagues
Commander In Chief
Howard Dean's Constructive Solution: Even Killing Field
Dr. Dean: "To rectify the situation,all those whites who evacuated submerged homes must be returned to those homes and drowned immediately."
Tired of hearing that the Democrats are a party of baseless finger-pointing without constructive solutions, the former presidential candidate Howard Dean offered an undeniably constructive solution in his Wednesday speech in Miami, Fla....
Katrina Reporters: Act Locally, Think Globally
As events unfold in New Orleans, the Third World watches in astonishment
In Mogadishu, militants laughed and fired guns in the air after watching CNN reports on looting in New Orleans. "With American citizens like that, who needs enemies!" laughed Sheikh Hassan Dahir Aweys. "I was going to infiltrate America and blow myself up in a shopping mall, but I'll take my chances here, thank you very much!"
America Strikes Back At The Environment
Coalition of the Gloating: No Hurricane Relief for USA!
Vengeful Science Sends Fire and Brimstone on Bible Belt
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. promises hell to unbelievers unless they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due with the hand of humility. "Lo! Science is Forgiving, Merciful!"
"Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty last night as the hurricane approached, it would have been turned aside, for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared the ultraprogressive pulpiter who is sometimes criticized for interpreting scientific texts too literally. "But Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour went against science, they sealed their ears to Science's prophets, and for that Science unleashed its wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall be their home: an evil fate!"
"It is a mortal sin to think that Science is open to interpretation, that scientific phenomena can mean more than one thing, or that Climate Change has a million factors! That would be just as bad as the ludicrous literal interpretation of Scripture by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight those who do not profess the true faith! Remember that Science gives firmness to the believers, and it instills terror into the hearts of the unbelievers!"
Osama to Cindy: Will You Be My 37th Wife?
In what may well become known as the world's most romantic marriage proposal, Osama Bin Laden, president of the al Qaeda network, stumbled in the midst of his latest fatwa against Western infidels, then produced a small box from the folds of his robe. He fell to one knee and, looking straight into the camera, uttered in perfect English, "I love you Cindy Sheehan. Will you marry me, baby doll?"...
Hurricane Shield Revisited
Kerry To Build Hurricane Shield If Elected
Clearly, if America had elected John Kerry in 2004, none of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina would have happened. This is what we said almost exactly a year ago in a story below - and we stand by it!
It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...
Marx, Jesus, Iraq, Moonbats, and MSM: It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world!
Thanks to our trusty Dr. Fuku who posted these images here. We thought they were too good to be buried in comments, so we made this collage.
Poor Casey would fit in the top picture, but there's no place for him in the bottom one. If he were to come back to life they'd bury him again.
Global Warming: Alaska Needs More Air Conditioners
Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day.
"Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!"
Iran Nuke Destroys Cleveland, Nobody Cares
Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city."
"Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?"
In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..."
Neocons Imprison Mick Jagger Without Trial
It's liberty for all,
Democracy's our style,
Unless you are against us,
Then it's prison without trial...MORE
Cindy Sheehan Writes A How-To Book
Respected mainstream liberal groups descended on the White House to investigate the latest allegations. The New York Times' Liz Bumiller is investigating the claim that Bush caused Sheehan's mother's stroke through secret operations.
Sources from MoveOn.org confirm that Bush had a crack team of specialists induce a stroke in Cindy's mom to sidetrack the noble anti-Bush cause....
Chairman Dean's Message: Turn Up Volume
Millions of dollars spent by the Democrats have done surprisingly little to familiarize Americans with their program....
Jury Finds U.S. Constitution at Fault for Everything
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year."
"Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property...
Cindy Sheehan Loves AmericaBy Cindy Sheehan (edited for language by Red Square)
We want our country back!
"DQ Mom" Blames Elders of Zion, Finds Audience
"We will catch that Zionist Dairy Queen whoever she is, then we will rape her, and Allah willing, we will remove her head with a rusty saw."
When asked what relevance Israel had to her son tripping on a Dairy Queen product, she started to tremble and then wailed, "Shaddup, you filthy mother-disrespecting son of a bitch!"...
Nebraska Mom Demands Meeting With DQ CEO
"We've hated Dairy Queen for a long time, but now they've gone too far with their Chili Lime Chicken
In Wipeit NE, mom Ella Cinder has pitched a tent outside a local Dairy Queen, demanding a meeting with its CEO so he can explain his culpability for her 32-year old son Chucky slipping on a partially-eaten Chili Lime Chicken Strip Basket at the State Fair.
Jihadists Against Bag Searches
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?"
"They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties...
NY Times to Roberts: Why weren't your children aborted?
As is often the case, the original "source" of this "story," the Drudge Report is wrong, overwrought and a gross misrepresentation of what has happened. What really happened is that our reporters, with great care, understanding the sensitivity of the issue, only asked a few legitimate questions.
One of our reporters simply asked, "Are these children really from South America? They look awfully white to me. Are they really children, or are they midgets with severe conservative right-wing agendas? Are these alleged "children" members of the Federalist Society?"
Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities
Kennedy: The Shuttle Doesn't Need To Be Fixed
Kennedy: "The biggest threat to the shuttle Discovery is George Bush and the Republican Party!"
"There is no need to fix the shuttle," said Kennedy. "I categorically reject the deceptive and dangerous claim that there is something wrong with it! The shuttle will serve us another forty years without problem. The biggest threat to Discovery today is not the foam tiles, it's George Bush and the Republican Party."
ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition...
Africa to Hillary: How Much for Your Daughter?
Members of the right-wing conspiracy immediately went on the attack:"Hillary's third world values seem ...
New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
New York firefighters randomly douse one house per neighborhood per week.
- high taxes
- powerful unions
- limited consumer choice
- strong government control
But most people lack the training to fully understand why we derive benefits from these policies, and why government control over public anything results in unsurpassable quality (transportation, education, health, etc.).
To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.
From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.
Bush Nominates Ray Romano as Supreme Judge
Winston Palimpsest Does Tour de France
Newspaper Runs Out Of Anti-Bush Headlines
"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds into the Stone Age in Alaska...
Live 8: A Corporate Conspiracy
Africa must remain poor to avoid MacDonaldizationBy Comrade Smirnoff, our (The People's) political consultant in Edinburgh, Scotland.
Bob Geldof: He may dress like a Maoist, but he doesn't fool us!
"This is not about charity; this is about trying to redress the balance between rich and poor."
-- Elton John.
Right wing cynics will question why we ought to take lessons from Mr. John, a man who lives a life of extravagant, hedonistic luxury (he recently claimed to spend 200,000 pounds per month on flowers) ...
Chomsky, Churchill, Fulani Cancel "Little Eichmanns" Tour to London
The three progressive icons gathered in New York for a press conference, where they stated that "Based on the first reactions out of London, we sense a glaring lack of guilt for being attacked. It is our duty as citizens of this world, to go to Britain and instill an enormous amount of guilt in the government and its constituents. We would like to see the British apologize before al-Qaeda for what happened"...MORE
Pictures From Iraq:Too Shocking & Graphic for The Mainstream Media
Photos that will never make the news...
You will not see these pictures in Time, Newsweek, and the New York Times!
IMAGE: Abdul Mendel, America Last League, wearing non-programmable tin hat
"Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners."
Dick Durbin's Surprise Fourth of July Speech
Dr. Leonid Fuku is an official delegate of the USSA Bureau of Health, and future commander of the United Health Care System of the Americas.
"Clearly, the future is with United Global Front for Healthcare, administered through a centralized offshore office. It will solve all medical issues for all the world's citizens. I, Health Kommissar Leonid Fuku, am willing to address all things medical. Ask your questions, but clearly state your Party standing and location, or answers will not be forthcoming." ~ Doctor Fuku
Dr. FUKU Healthcare Answers >>
Chateau Babeuf: A Model of Social Entrepreneurship
Chateau Babeuf's award-winning
A bottle a day keeps thoughtcrimes at bay
Contains mind-control agents
European Left Helps DNC to Re-Educate America
Supreme Court Ushers in Collectivization; Purges to Follow
The Supreme Court's decision cleared the way for the city of New London, Conn., to seize private homes and businesses against the owners' will, and bulldoze family residences in order to build projects that generate more tax revenue for the Common Good(tm)
Tikritos: Cruel Ranch and Other Progressive Flavors
Our affiliate, Che-Mart superstore, was the first to learn the news from socialist networks: Saddam Hussein still believes he is president of Iraq, is obsessed with cleanliness, makes bad coffee, and loves Doritos, an ex-guard has revealed.
Anticipating a new fad among its progressive consumers, Che-Mart rushed the manufacturing of Tikritos, a new product modeled on capitalist Doritos. In the spirit of socialist competition, the fastest-growing producer of progressive products didn't spare any of its sweatshop laborers in bringing the new favorite socialist flavor to the masses.
Rafsanjani to Penn: "Sean, I am your Father!"
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew itcouldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?"MORE
Public School Student Fails to Hang Himself"Not enough funding," says teachers-union president
Tyson Quits, Has No Stomach For Taxidermists
Looking more like an aging man than the champion who once terrorized the heavyweight division, Tyson complained about being betrayed, threatened, and harassed by everybody, from the print media to communist governments to NAACP to Chinese taxidermists.
"I had made some wrong choices," Tyson confessed, pointing at his tattoos of Mao Tse Dung, Che Guevara, and Arthur Ashe.
Rangel: Let's Give al-Qaeda a Fair Chance
RANGEL: there should be an equal representation in the armed forces of the wimps, the nerds, and the computer geeks.
"We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agreethat way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said.
Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book
Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest...
Deep Throat Meets All the President's MenMemoirs of Laika the Space Dog
Laika the Space Dog has recently come out with a masterly written suspenseful narrative. Hard To Swallow: Deep Throat Does All the President's Men is jam-packed with riveting revelations, unknown facts, and shocking images.
Below is a synopsis of Laika's new book soon to come out at the People's Book Club...
Bush-Bashing XBOX Ad Proves Marx Wrong
Punch out American President and they'll FedEx you a reward!
The Rosen Trial: Mission Accomplished!David Rosen over Comrade Hillary's fund-raising fraud has ended in total silence, suppression and acquittal.
After Kommander Kenneth and I jammed the media outlets emitting from the future socialist state of Marxifornia we proceeded to make contact with KGB General David Kendall. Once contact was made, Kendall led us to the secret Laurel Canyon hideout of Warren Beatty...
Grade Points: Fair Redistribution Among The Less Gifted
Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed intheir minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie!
Right-Wing Muslims For Bush?
So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with thegood news of a toilet accident at Newsweek.
Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burningAmerican flag...
Chairman Dean Sends DeLay to Gulag, Demands Purges
Social Security: Enough is Enough!
Researchers: shortage of progressive organizations caused by lack of appropriate names
Adventures of Lenin in 2005, Part I
May Day '05 in New York (Soviet Union Square)
Official May Day Address
Annual Transmission to Toiling Masses from Laika the Space Dog, Member of Politburo, Friend of Progressive People, on occasion of International Workers' DayMORE
Fartman: Bush Poisons Atmosphere In Washington
Superhero Fartman questions President Bush at the White House press conference, April 28, 2005 (re-enactment).
Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press
Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window.
Postcards From Red Planet
Young cosmo-pioneers! Join the future here!
The old world of capitalist oppression has failed to give birth to world-wide communist revolution. Well, too bad! We say that world was spoiled goods anyway! You can't bring up the New Man in the immoral bourgeois environment. So let the blue planet rot while greedily consuming the last natural resourses it has left.
We'll build our world on Mars! The Red Planet is not red by accident. It will be a selfless, equitable world based on proletarian morals, with a striving state-subsidized culture, marked by great economic successes and technological breakthroughs - almost like North Korea, only better.
Kerry Exposes US Spy, Gets People's Hero Medal Award
Ask me about technology. No more politics. I have returned to what I love and know best - inventions!
Remember: frequent computer crashes happen because people press the W key too much. Avoid it at all costs! That key had been removed from all White House keyboards on my secret orders! Every time you press a W key George W Bush knows what you're thinking... And don't listen to static in your phone line - you never know who may be playing with your brain. A lot of folks who I know did that wound up voting for W. Enough said.
- Al Gore, inventor
Ask your new Kommissar a question, infidel dog!
Your new Kommissar,
International Workers Fools Day
The Cube Is In Your Corner!
Oppressed workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia of our great American Motherland! The People'sâ„¢ Cube has finally risen over the virtual horizon like the red sun of the revolution, dispelling the right-wing darkness of the blogosphere! This day shall be known as the dawn of Gulagosphere. It shall become a state holiday, celebrated in centuries ahead by spontaneous street marches of correctly educated proletarians chanting Party-approved slogans, peacefully hurling bricks at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie, and vigorously consuming quantities of inexpensive People's Cube sugar beet vodka!
Conservatism is a fluke. But the liberal Left has opened before me an unlimited diversity of options. Any age, size, race, sexual orientation, you know? Teens, grannies, shaved, hairy, white, yellow, red, black, or brown. Wow!!!
The Lumpenwagon: People's Housing and Locomotion Unit
We humbly petition The Central Committee to alter the next Five Year Plan to build these Universal People Transporters and free State resources for the armed struggle against war and imperialism.
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