ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off

When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off?

In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition.

In January of 2003, thirty human shield volunteers and three double-decker buses left London to pick up other volunteers throughout Europe on their way to save the Iraqi dictatorship. At their peak in Iraq, they numbered approximately 500, proud of their role as sacrificial offerings on the altar of diversity, anti-Americanism, moral relativity and the advancement of Islam.

Amnesty International: And we even supply the so-called 'prisoners' with rusty saws!

William Schultz, the head of Amnesty International - USA, remarked that, "President Bush has declared a so-called War on Terror, and we have declared a War on Torture. When the Taliban complain about broken air conditioning in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off? And we even supply the so-called 'prisoners' with rusty saws! Our sacrifices have begun to reinforce the spirit of our guests at Guantanamo, and more importantly, have raised their self-esteem."

ACLU leader: I can't get enough of the beheading videos. Every time I replay them, The Greater Good™ gets closer and closer. It's such a turn-on.

"We believe in human sacrifice," an unnamed volunteer told PC. "Although it might look absurd to the unenlightened, any sacrifice - whether we sacrifice ourselves or others for that matter - results in bringing The Greater Good™ one little step closer. The gorier the details, the more excruciating the pain, the closer it brings us to The Greater Good™. In this sense, the sawing off heads is an unprecedented opportunity. I can't explain it rationally but this guy at the International Socialist Party said so. Now I'm the enlightened one."

Nadine Strossen of the ACLU agreed, but had some reservations. "With so many of our lawyers going under the rusty blade, we run the risk of diminishing our ability to provide our Guantanamo customers with the quality legal services that they deserve."

The solution might lie with the United Nations, as Secretary-General Kofi Annan has asked the world community to supply volunteers for this mission - which was met with considerable success. Of particular note is the proposal of French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin to offer his own throat to the victims of America's gulag. "This would be one more step in restoring France to its true place in world affairs," Mr. de Villepin said.

Another point of optimism is that United States Senator Richard "Dick" Durbin has enthusiastically volunteered to have his head sawed off. "Not even Pol Pot denied his victims three telephone lines in each room, secure remote printing, ergonomic chairs, a microwave, and a whirlpool. Not even the Nazis denied their victims in-room movie channels. Therefore, as a gesture to our guests, and a symbol from America to the world, I will proudly march into a cell and plead with the guests to please saw my head off. They are our customers, and our customers are always right."