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Che Guevara Christmas Greeting

Ernesto Che Guevara sold 100,000,000 T-shirts this year alone! He's world's greatest T-shirt salesman. Come on, trust-fund college kid! Be a non-conformist because everybody else is! Being popular is so elfin' hard. Che shirt = instant recognition.

Viva la merchandise!

Who's your daddy?

Have yourself a nice progressive Christmas!


Holiday Greeting From The National Lawyers Guild & ACLU

In the true spirit of Christmas collectivism we decided to lift off this traditional holiday greeting that for a few years was being shared equally by the multitudes of Internet users, courtesy of an unknown progressive member of the National Lawyers Guild or the ACLU or both.

To be a true progressive you have to believe that no idea can be called good, bad, new, old, or stolen, since all ideas reside inside our common collective consciousness which belongs to no one in particular and to everybody at once - an entity also known as The People™.

So if you already saw this greeting before, go ahead and refresh your memory; if you're seeing it for the first time - enjoy!


The Mental Illness Of Useful Idiots

It was all "for the children"

Our progressive contributor Alva Goldbook has posted on his Nitwit Blog a clever diatribe titled The Mental Illness Of Conservatism in which he took a long statement by Hitler, substituted "Jews" for "Liberals," "Germany" for "America," and "Fascists" for "Conservatives," and asked us to guess which conservative pundit wrote that.

Alva forgot that, in our definition of Hitler in the People's Glossary we had set a strict rule stipulating that "any such discussions should only be allowed to Party-approved professors of progressive science," so that untrained puny-minded weak liberals (UPMWL) wouldn't trespass into an ideological minefield and blow up the carefully constructed progressive defenses - which is what Alva just did, being the aforementioned UPMWL.

So we asked Alva a follow-up question: Which socialist pundit he thinks said this....


Wedding Bells & Whistles (Literally Wedding Them)

Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions.

"This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get my toaster registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," Punchenko says.


Latino Groups Praise Taco Bell For E. Coli

Activists of several Latino advocacy groups hailed the recent E. coli outbreaks at Taco Bell restaurants as "the biggest success yet in reclaiming Aztlan culture on the territories occupied by the American invaders."

Groups as La Raza, MEChA, Organization for the Liberation of Aztlan, and other advocates for the restoration of a legendary Chicano country called Aztlan, are celebrating victory.

"Mexican people across North America can finally get fast food just like back home," said Margarita Cagada, executive director of the New Jersey state chapter of La Raza. "On behalf of all Hispanics everywhere, La Raza praises Taco Bell for its loyalty to diversity and the promotion of Chicanismo within the community."


When Parkinson's Just Isn't Enough

It is an undeniable scientific fact that the pro-embryonic-stem-cell spot that Michael J. Fox did for Missouri Senate candidate Claire McCaskill was effective in the case of at least one person - Claire McCaskill - who has made medical history by winning a seat in the Senate because of it.

Now it's time for the Democrats to return the favor and arrange a sweeping victory for the funding of embryonic stem cell research. It is especially important because now Fox has apparently decided that settling for Parkinson's alone is for wimps, and if he wants to be a truly progressive victim he also needs the brain tumor that embryonic stem cells create.

Recall that Parkinson's patient in China, whose brain after being implanted with embryonic stem cells began to develop bone, skin, and hair - until an entire Siamese twin grew in his head, killing the host.


ISG: Improvisational Sellout Gala?

The bipartisan Iraq Study Group (ISG) has finally released a report, suggesting that the best way to end the Iraq War is to throw a "marvelous international party" where all sides of the conflict would have "a rocking good time together in an intimate setting" and a chance to mingle.

"If we must try something new, why not make it fun while we still have time?" says James Baker, a former Secretary of State. "We simply must get the disco ball rolling by New Year's Eve," agrees his co-author Lee Hamilton. Both Baker and Hamilton emphasize that if one party can't solve Iraq's problems, it would be irresponsible to dismiss the idea of a series of parties.


Muslim-Friendly TV Line-up & Permissible Music

Once the Democrats take charge in January, bring the troops home, and appoint Jimmy Carter to keep America safe, we must be prepared to submit to Sharia Law pretty quick.

It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up: MORE

Embarrassing Faux Pas at the Bush White House


The New Progressive Bible

  • The Organic Garden of Eden
  • Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
  • What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
  • Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
  • Jonah Saves the Whale
  • David Appeases Goliath
  • The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
  • The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
  • Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
  • Judas The ACLU Lawyer
  • Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
  • Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sophisticatest American Speaks

As if our earlier research of the Progressive Brain and the Capitalist Brain was not convincing enough, our progressive comrades continue to provide us with more evidence. Gwyneth Paltrow's recent statement about the inferior nature of American work-centered dinner talk, followed by a seminal philosophical inference that the British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans, has prompted us to start a new "Brain Matters" series. MORE

Thanksgiving With A Space Alien

Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.

His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization."Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"


Muslim imams call for boycott of U.S. Airways

A huge victory for progress! The media highlights the need to consider the sensbilities of Muslims - while nobody highlights the need to consider the sensibilities of American passengers who can't shake off the visuals of 9/11 every time they board a plane. The country will soon be ours!


Free Bryan Hathaway!

Let's face it - a caring and loving relationship with a consenting dead animal on the side of the road is a constitutional right of every American regardless of ethnic, religious, or economic background.

Bryan James Hathaway is a young minority activist from Wisconsin who has been on the forefront of progressive struggle for the liberation of inanimate objects, plants, animals, and household appliances. His selfless devotion to fighting speciism and necrophobia in our society has led him to be brutally persecuted, tortured, and incarcerated - all for a laughable "crime" of "sexual gratification with a dead deer on the side of the road." As if his prior conviction of "horsing around" had not been enough, the bigoted ruling class is once again making him the whipping boy of their own suppressed anxieties, fantasies, and desires.


Rangel: Let's Give al-Qaeda a Fair Chance

RANGEL: there should be an equal representation in the armed forces of the wimps, the nerds, and the computer geeks.
In a new display of fairness and lack of partisanship, Rep. Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting against the U.S.-led coalition in the region.

"We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said.

Michael Moore's Pledge - Revised and Improved

Having read Michael Moore's pledge to disheartened Conservatives, we felt that its seemingly unthreatening tone might anger our radical base. They didn't endure all the fighting and the sacrifice so that they could watch a millionaire barrel of lard doing curtsies to the class enemy. The People have spoken out - and they want blood! They have spoken out for purges, show trials, long prison sentences, and mass deportations. They want shakedown, expropriation, and redistribution.

Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside.

Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™.

Therefore, we hereby announce
for the translation of Michael Moore's Pledge
into a language that the radical masses can understand

Saddam Follows OJ Example, Writes Book 'If I Had WMDs'

"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows it the way I know it," Hussein writes in the publisher's release.

Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed his icon's example, releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's removal from power surfaced again this week when, just in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part Fox television special and release a book that will give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian intelligence.


Miracle of Erosion Discovered in South Dakota

Rock formations resembling the faces of U.S. presidents evolve from the effects of erosion in South Dakota.

From left to right, many unsophisticated Americans claim to see the resemblances of white, male oppressors G. Washington, T. Jefferson, T. Roosevelt, and A. Lincoln

Geologists are thrilled with the remarkable discovery, calling it the most impressive achievement of natural history to date. Progressive scientists and academics insist the likenesses are not portraits, but merely the appearance of portraits.


Borat And Iranian President A TV Spoof?


It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism."

Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"


More bottom news of the day...

Kazakhstanis Against Borat


New Slogans For A New Era!

We have been asked by Howard Dean to develop some new catch phrases for our party and could use some help. Please add to this list:

If it ain't easy, it ain't workin'!

Why is everyone else so stupid?

We have all the easy answers - just ask us!

Blame Bush!


Al-Qaeda Leader Welcomes Democrats For Lunch

Abu Ayyub al-Masri

Three days after a midterm election that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch, saying he looked forward to working with them in a bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan jihad."


Purported Democrat Tape Vows To Continue Jihad

WASHINGTON, DC (TPC) -- A purported audio recording by a Democrat chieftain vows to step up the group's fight against the GOP, saying, "We haven't had enough of your blood yet." The 20-minute recording was posted Friday on a Web site used by Democratic activists and the speaker is identified as Nancy Pelosi, who takes over leadership of the US Congress after Dennis Hastert resigns in January. Calling President Bush a "lame duck" the speaker tells Bush not to "run away as your lame defense secretary ran away," referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who resigned Wednesday.





See on the People's Blog:

Victims of Greater "Strategery"

(Could our victory be just one of those Rovian tricks?)

November Revolution - Victory!

(People's art and miscellaneous agitprop)

Ministry of Truth Decree

(We will be watching you)

Democrat Victory A Great Leap Forward To Workers' Paradise!

The reactionary neo-con parasites are on the run! Now smoke them out of their caves and bring them to revolutionary justice!

We decree that November 7 and 8 become government holidays, celebrated in centuries ahead by spontaneous street marches of correctly educated proletarians chanting Party-approved slogans, peacefully hurling bricks at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie, and vigorously consuming quantities of inexpensive People's Cube sugar beet vodka!


Vote In 5 States Or Get No Potatoes In The Winter!

All party members must vote at least 5 times in 3 different congressional districts or else no potatoes in the winter. Using necro-proxies or undocumented workers counts as well.

Vote often for the party of your choice - as long as it is the Democratic Party.

Going forward, since we know that everyone in their right mind wants to vote Democrat anyway, why don't we just forego elections and appoint the Party into the proper offices. Those who refuse to vote Democrat must be mentally incompetent, so instead of wasting people's resources on counting their votes, we should ship them off to the re-education centers where they can redeem their failings by hard corrective labor for the benefit of the Party!


Dems Focus On Dead Voter Turnout, Rally Graveyards

In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party.

According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead.

"Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."


Party-Approved 2006 Election Slogans & Buttons

The 2006 Election is a battle in the culture war that we, the Progressives, can't afford to lose! We must stay the course at any cost! If we cut and run now, the right-wingers will follow us home and we will have to fight them on our own soil - in public schools, academia, news media, Hollywood and TV!

So gear up for the Great Patriotic Elections, comrade, with bumper stickers, election buttons, and lawn signs! And don't forget - one must mark ALL of his/her/its ballots for Democrats on November 7!

We strongly advise you not to use any slogans or jokes that do not carry an explicit rubber stamp of the Propaganda Department. Let John Kerry's demise be a lesson to all of you Party soldiers who believe you can think for yourselves. You can't.

If you would like to use a phrase that is not listed below, we urge you to post it here first for our review.


How To Kiss Up To Hillary And Save Ass During Purges

Hillary-Kissing for Idiots

...and a reference for the rest of the village

From today's New York Post

POLITICAL PLANT: Closer . . . closer . . . kiss. Andrew Cuomo lines up Hillary Rodham Clinton for a peck she doesn't expect yesterday.


Amber Alert: John Kerry Story Missing From Front Pages

At 7am this morning the story of Senator John Kerry appeared to be missing from the front pages of all major newspapers.

The story can be recognized by three major attributes: (1) Sen. Kerry claims that he is smarter than the troops, (2) Sen. Kerry claims that he is smarter than their Commander in Chief, and (3) Sen. Kerry claims that not only he is smarter than the troops and the President, but that the American people are also incredibly stupid if they think Kerry would ever question their intelligence.

POSSIBLE LOCATION: The missing Kerry story is suspected to be hiding in the same cave as Osama bin Laden story, together with the record high Dow Jones story, low unemployment story, increased government revenues story, and positive changes in Iraq story. If not found within the next 24 hours, it'll disappear forever as expected (unless it contains the word "Foley").


AP Admits Tampering With Paris Muslim Protest Story

A French man sues AP for putting the wrong ideas in his head
Claims that Associated Press editors habitually slant facts in AP stories have recently been substantiated by a complaint from an AP writer whose report on last week's demonstrations in Paris was changed to a complete opposite of what she had written.

"When they changed 'Muslim hoodlums' to 'disaffected youths' I thought they were improving on the sentence flow and prose styling," says AP reporter Ellen Stanley. "When they changed 'violent gangs' to 'violin fans' I thought they were making a joke. When they changed 'assheaded socialist policies' to 'inspiring government programs' and 'appeasement' to 'solution' I thought they were being sarcastic. Taken together, however, all these small edits changed the meaning of my report in its entirety.


The Wonders of Makeup

"Makeup is a great American tradition. I use it all the time, especially when it comes to health care statistics, economics, cattle futures, land deals, strange suicides, my residence, my real motives, etc." - Hillary Clinton


Two New Gulagosphere Websites Launched!

Your central clearinghouse for all the ultra-top secret plots, schemes and conspiracies as brought to you by the Illuminated Neocon Zionist Elder World Dominion, LLC.

BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff

The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments.

A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts.


Apple Mecca: Open Letter to Radical Muslim Politburo

Dear radical Muslim comrades! While you are the best allies the Left could ever have in the great patriotic war against American Capitalism, there are limits in every relationship, even the most intimate one like ours. Thus, your latest allegation that the Apple Mecca Store in New York amounts to a deliberate insult to Islam (because it resembles your big black Ka'bah cube in Mecca) is not just inane, it's an unprovoked stab in the back. This isn't how good allies treat one another.

Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions.


Comrade Mr. Snuggle Bunny joins the People's Collective!

Comrade Mr. Snuggle Bunny is a graphic artist who works in Five-Year Plans, completing them all way ahead of schedule (as every Hero of Socialist Labor should)

Comrade S. Bunny's 5-Year Plan #1

Comrade S. Bunny's 5-Year Plan #2

Let's give him our warm collectivist welcome!

How To Fight Capitalism By Photoshopping Michelle Malkin

To silence Michelle Malkin is the idea whose time has come. A nonstop depiction of her on mainstream websites as a rabid right-wing Neocon Zionist extremist and especially as the radical right's Asian pitbull did stimulate certain neurons in progressive pleasure circuits, but did nil to propel this truth into the murky skulls of the brain-damaged general public.

So when Ms. Malkin made another hurtful attempt to stop progress by writing a column about the "slutification of young girls," progressive truth-seekers had no other choice but to photo-manipulate her face onto the body of a young, nubile lusciously delectable, sumptuous (ahem... excuse us) college co-ed, and to use the result to expose Ms. Malkin as the biggest hypocrite who has ever lived.


Mark Foley Falls Victim To Fitter Species

In today's evolutionary struggle we liberals are the fittest species. Conservatives are so easy - accuse them of committing a sin and they resign and disappear from public sight forever. We in the progressive community are much smarter - we don't believe in sin. It makes us invulnerable to criticism. That's why we're taking over this stupid country.

However crazy, irresponsible, and outright criminal our behavior is, you can't call us sinful because that would be forcing your values on us.

You can't call us hypocrites because we never said we were perfect. You can't say we've lost shame because we can't lose what we don't have. Human imperfection is our standard, our goal, or breeding ground, our primordial soup if you will.

We stand for nothing and have no values except those that may hypothetically exist in a distant socialist utopia that may or may not happen.


New Posters, More Visual Propaganda

McCain Surrenders To Torture Bill After Torture

Despite vociferous claims that torture never works, Arizona senator John McCain helped to pass Bush's new Torture Bill that will allow the CIA to continue violating the Geneva conventions by torturing innocent political prisoners who happen to be Muslims.

What did the Bush administration do to break John McCain that a North Vietnamese prison camp couldn't do?

A recent leak from the White House establishes beyond doubt that the supposed change of heart came after one of the closed door sessions, at which George W. Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist subdued the maverick senator with a headlock, tied him to a chair, and violated his humanity by subjecting him to cruel and degrading treatment with loud Eminem music, sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and waterboarding.


Polish Comrades Modify The People's Cube To Their Needs

Our site has received an angry letter from Poland complaining about the unnecessary complexity of the People's Cube puzzle. "Despite your claim that this 'ultimate egalitarian tool' guarantees equal outcome for all players, after two weeks of strenuous efforts we gave up resolving the puzzle," the letter states, concluding that "something must be fundamentally wrong with the puzzle itself."

The letter, signed by Slawomir Sierakowski, editor-in-chief of the Polish "Krytyka Polityczna", organ of the progressive wing of the Communist Party of Poland, indignantly criticizes us for misleading the masses into a "sinister bourgeois trap" of believing in a "competition with a human face." <


Byzantine Emperor Apologizes to Muslims For Quote

In the view of some historians, the Pope's recent apology to enraged Muslims over use of a quote written by Manuel II Palaeologus in 1391 bears a striking similarity with a similar apology delivered more than 600 years ago by Manuel II Palaeologus himself to offended Muslim armies after they ransacked his Christian country, converted its citizens to Islam, and beheaded or enslaved those who resisted the forced conversions.

In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity."

MORE (and don't miss our 3 min video at the bottom)

Prominent Muslims: Why Do They Hate Us?

by Dr. Salima al-Kurgman
Muslims protesters: "Is it because we didn't support Ned Lamont? Is it because our lousy plastic recycling program?"
Ever since the confrontation between the West and Islam began, the question "Why do they hate us?" has been topping the Frequently Asked Questions charts among Western leaders and intellectuals, tormenting minds and souls of the Western populace prone to introspection. Considering the magnitude of the problem, we have assumed that the same question similarly torments the minds of prominent Muslims in the lands of Islam.

And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?"


NEW SECTION: FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

While it is true that different sets of FAQ exist for various practical purposes, a study conducted at the non-partisan Karl Marx Treatment Center has shown that if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must look exactly as follows.

(It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.)


McCartney Apologizes For 9/11 Song "Freedom"

Songwriter in 'ongoing self-criticism' after apprehension on suspicion of pro-Americanism
New York -- Giving in to public pressure, singer and composer Paul McCartney issued a statement on Monday, apologizing to the progressive artistic community for his "pro-American lyrics and compulsive right-wing behavior" in the days immediately following the 9/11 attacks in New York City, when he organized Concert For New York and performed the "ill-conceived" patriotic song called Freedom.

"I don't know what came over me," says McCartney, 64, who was widely criticized by peace activists as a "pro-war Beatle" for writing and singing a jingoistic tune containing such lines as "I will fight for the right to live in freedom. " In his statement, McCartney acknowledges that he had been experiencing "right-wing sentiments" for several weeks following 9/11. "Please know from my heart that I am not a patriot. I am not a even an American," he said.

9/11/2006 - All You Need Is Love (And Vote Democrat)

It has come to our attention that this year the City of New York is planning to commemorate 9/11 by playing the French national anthem. At 2pm sharp, at Ground Zero and all over New York's five boroughs, dozens of local bands will be playing "La Marseillaise" in honor of France's contribution to the War on US Imperialism.

Technically, the bands have been booked to play "All You Need Is Love" which begins with "La Marseillaise" (from the Beatles' psychedelic Yellow Submarine album and cartoon) - a choice made by Commissioner Kelly's wife who's in charge of the musical part of the project.

The City officials are expected to be joined by a large "9/11 Truth" peace rally which is in part sponsored by Yoko Ono, who has written a testimonial haiku poem for the occasion and is donating a number of materials promoting her current world tour exhibition, "Imagine Peace."


Khatami In Harvard: Mullahs and Liberals Not That Different!

While former Iranian President Mohammad Khatami's visit to the land of The Great Satan is welcomed by all progressive sleeper cells inside this country, his message of tolerance and moderation has become an object of vicious attacks from such hate groups as the Episcopal Church, the Jewish Community Relations Council, and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's office.

The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater GoodT.


Media Saddened As Ernesto Fails To Liberate Property In Florida

As widely anticipated hurricane Ernesto disaster failed to materialize, media networks are growing increasingly frustrated with the Bush Administration's handling of everything. "I prepared a perfectly credible report on the connection between hurricanes, Global Warming, racism, and Prescott Bush," says devastated CNN newsman Lou Dobbs. "What am I to do now? Report on how Karl Rove's weather machine stopped the hurricane to help Republicans win elections and lower oil prices? Uhm... gotta write that down."



the best thing that happened
to the Democratic Party
since Jimmy Carter's presidency!


(read the headlines of the time in the right-hand column)


The People's Glossary: New Entry


A process whereby evil murderous thugs are turned into everyday heroes by an overzealous mainstream media. Hezbollize (verb) Assign great social importance to gangsters, treat them as celebrities (Hez-boll-ized, Hez-boll-iz-ing, Hez-boll-iz-es)

Example 1: "Cross burnings bring warmth and comfort to homes without central heating, as caring KKK activists distribute clean white clothing among impoverished kids.

"Example 2: "Crips, Bloods, MS 13 organize daily after school programs, engage minotiry children in pharmacological economics and ballistics training."

MORE People's Glossary definitions

The New York Times: Pluto Crisis Edition...

  • Lack of federal funding leads to downsizing of Solar System
  • Small planets helpless against competition
  • Growing disparity among planets raises moral questions
  • Pluto & Me: Michael Moore stands with the little guy
  • Most "dwarfs" will not survive harsh winter
  • Republicans deny aid to Pluto amidst growing concerns for the future of trans-Neptunian objects
  • Poll: Most Americans think that black holes are discriminated against

Conflict In Lebanon For Dummies

As the great progressive leader Joseph Stalin may have said, "It's not what really happens, it's what we write about it that matters." We can never underestimate the importance of proper screening of individuals who narrate history for the masses - from news services and talk shows to school teachers and entertainers.

To our credit we have a firm grip on all of the above. One of the most prominent members of the academic community in this respect is Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD, who has kindly written for the People's Cube a brief yet masterful summary of the recent conflict in the Middle East. Not only does it correctly capture the way the events were covered by world's progressive media, it is also destined to enter the annals of history as the sole unquestionable resource for social scientists of the future.


'Twas the Night Before Miraj

Gather round Young Pioneers and Little Jihadis and let Aunt Laika tell you a poem.

Now in the decadent West, they have a myth about Santa Claus and Reindeers that can fly. We all know that is not true and even if it was true, Santa Claus would be an enemy of the state because he keeps elves as slaves and beats the Reindeer with whips. The ACLU and PETA would have sued him and his fat, jolly butt would be in the slammer.

Now in the progressive Islamic Republics, especially Iran, there is The Prophet and Bourak. Bourak is half man and half flying horse and the Prophet flies on his back to the farthest mosque (Jerusalem), heaven and hell, and the houses of misery and happiness. This is done on the night as what is known on the infidel calendar as August 22, and true believers call this the Miraj.


Hezbo-Laa-Laa: Cute Little Terrortubby

In an effort to finalize the portrayal of Hezbollah as a benevolent band of misunderstood peasant warriors, and to foster acceptance of other cultures, the BBC retooled its cutest Teletubby character named Laa-laa into Hezbo-Laa-Laa.

Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana with the motto "From cradle to grave" written in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled nails and rat poison, this cute and cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show European and American kids that beyond its desire to exterminate the Jew, Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate that will tend to your social needs through a strong presence in the big, generous government!


More Media Icons Join Struggle To Reform News

Successful field trials of our Flat Fatima product and glowing reports from leading news agencies have prompted us to develop new cutout models to diversify emotional impact of reporting and target broader demographics.

The struggle to revolutionize news media by purging it from such bourgeois concepts as truth and objectivity will now be joined by Jamal Sixpack, Harry Helmet, Charlie Chair, Lou the Looter, Torched Peugeot from the French riots, and other media icons including Che Guevara (monochrome models only).

Generate hard-hitting reporting by mounting Popular Media Figures™ individually or in groups in front of a burning garbage dump and get that Pulitzer you've always wanted!


Flat Fatima - Revolution In News Photography

Having learned of the growing trend at Reuters, BBC, and other progressive media to doctor photographs, stage events, and use choreographed footagein the best Pallywood traditions, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment center decided to make it even easier for news organization to re-educate their audiences and advance the Greater Good™.

  • Laminated on 5mm corrugated plastic board
  • Water resistant, durable for short term outdoor use
  • Great for quick mounting in the ground
  • No Photoshop required!
  • Fits most popular models of travel bags

Historians: Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Was Overreaction

Europe's view of the present Israeli offensive against Hezbollah as an "overreaction" and "disproportionate use of force" is rooted in relatively recent history, say progressive researchers. In 1943, Europe itself suffered from a similar Jewish overreaction to some controversial German policies, in an event known as the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising, when Zionist radicals attacked the National Socialist German Workers Party that was loved by the German people for its far-reaching educational and social welfare services.

In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government.


The Ant Bully: Introduction to Anthill Socialism

CLICK HERE TO VIEW OUR MODIFIED TRAILER (2006) 88 min. D: John A. Davis. Warner Brothers

Wouldn't you want your boy to "discover the ant within" and become a disposable drone in an anthill, sacrificing himself for the Greater Good™ as it is defined by his wise leaders? As a parent you don't have to do anything - your local public school is fully equipped to prepare your child for a life as mote in the vast collective. And then there are animated movies.

Most audiences won't find anything unusual in the new CGI-animated kiddy adventure film The Ant Bully.

A savvy parent might yawn at the routine obligatory condemnation of the Western "every man for himself" society that relies on technological crutches and WMD to oppress and eliminate the weaker, gentler "other" society that relies on collectivist values, magic, and wisdom of a benevolent supreme leader. Been there, done that. Progressive viewers will predictably scoff at the "barbaric" human morality embodied in a greedy, corrupt, militaristic, cigar-smoking redneck exterminator, while wistfully admiring a higher "other" morality embodied in the happy colony of environmentally-friendly comrades concerned with collective welfare and self-sacrifice for the common good.


Mother Of All Emoticons - Mooning Your Opponents Right

And now for something completely different: emoticons. The party has always placed emotions first and rational arguments last. To enable progressive internet users with better means of expressing their feelings online, our Karl Marx Treatment Center developed a new line of emoticons called EMOTI-CAN. It will let you emote on any issue with nuance and versatility of a seasoned diplomat, an award-winning pundit, or a sophisticated "paper of record." It gives the word "moonbat" a whole new meaning!


Conflict in The Middle East: Progressive Solutions

Now that we have identified the problems of the Middle East, it is now time to present high-powered academic solutions to this crisis. And whereas the average policy maker is hard-pressed to find a single solution, I, with my vast intelligence, have developed seven solutions: 1) Establish Scientific Socialism.

The tranquility of the late Soviet Union can be easily moved to the Middle East -- with the assistance of a violent revolution to terminally smash the ruling class and establish a workers' paradise where everyone will be the equal of everyone else, and everything we need will be free. Why can't the entire Middle East be like a People-of-Color version of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea? There are no wars among the Korean people! MORE

Chappaquiddick Triangle Claims Another Victim

CHAPPAQUIDDICK - In a mysterious repetition of a famous drowning car accident, on the same day 37 years later (July 19, 2006), another female passenger drowned as a male DWI driver sent his classic 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont off an angled, unlit narrow Dike Bridge without guard rails, onto which he claimed to have made a wrong turn. The car plunged into tide-swept Poucha Pond and landed upside down under the water, drowning the young woman. The male driver got out of the pond, contacted his lawyer, and reported to the police only twenty four hours after the accident. MORE

Conflict in The Middle East: A Progressive History

From the beginning of time, there was a place called "Palestine" which was inhabited exclusively by the biggest gift to humankind: Palestinians. Their culture flourished, their peaceful people prospered, and their model nation was to become the jewel of the world. Their language was Arabic, their religion was Muslim (pronounced "MOOZ-lem"), but regrettably, all evidence of their governments, their currency, their laws, their scientific, technological, philosophical, and artistic accomplishments were destroyed. By whom? Keep reading.


Martyr Toys For Jewish Kids Set To Win Media Sympathies

Having analyzed world media sympathies towards Muslim radicals who teach their young to lace their suicide belts with screws and rat poison to inflict maximum carnage in a crowd of infidels, a desperate Jewish manufacturer of educational toys has launched a "Jewish Martyr Babies" marketing campaign, which they hope will finally make Reuters, BBC, CNN, and other networks view the Jewish experiencehave more favorably.

They now offer their customers anthrax yarmulke, razor-wire-lined tallit, exploding gartel, strangling attarah, metal-piercing dreidels, and other novelty items that are "fun, educational, and lethal."

A sample lineup of Jewish Martyr Toys and mission statement from the manufacturer's website:


People's Karaoke: Imagine There's No Israel

By John Lennon and Laika the Space Dog
Inspired by the progressive Daily Koz

Imagine there's no Israel
It's easy if you try
No Jews around us
Why can't they all just die
Imagine all the Hebrews
Pushed into the sea...

MORE (with sing along MIDI - turn on your speakers)

NY Times Reporter Body Armor Vulnerability Analysis

Earlier this year the New York Times courageously exposed vulnerabilities of US body armor, accompanying the story with a controversial diagram and a leaked Pentagon paper in a PDF file, identifying the best areas to shoot at.

Today the Pentagon responded by releasing a diagram that details vulnerabilities of the New York Times journalists, which analysts predict is about to become the focus of a new media fury.

"The Pentagon released the results of their secret research despite our strongest objections," said Bill Keller, the executive editor of The Times, in an urgent statement. "It can seriously damage our ability to gather and publish information that is harmful to the United States."


The New York Times Shows Bush Who's The Boss

The Bush administration and The New York Times are again at odds over national security, this time with new exposures of the administration's immoral attempts to protect imperialist America from heroic Islamic freedom fighters.

In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers.

The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come!


Golden Boy Armstrong Showers French with Test Samples

As Reuters reported yesterday, the seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, in the sportsmanlike display of fairness and transparency, showered representatives of French media, the French Ministry of Youth and Sport, and Parisian drug testers yesterday with a convincing stream of "surprise" urine sample, which he explained was a head-on shot to persuade the world that he was clean as a whistle.


New Dem Strategy: Everybody Must Cut And Run

Murtha: To cut and run is every American's right and patriotic duty

Encouraged by the media success of their "Bring the troops home before the job is done" campaign, Democrat leadership decided to expand this strategy to other groups of society.

The new "Cut and Run For America" campaign to send everybody home before the job is done will first be tested on government employees - teachers, doctors, police, firefighters - and later cover the rest of the population.

"Americans need to stop trying," explained the new compassionate strategy Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). "We deeply believe that most people in this country would like to stay low, stop thinking, stop fending for themselves, and just live off government handouts."


Homeless Depot: A Moral Alternative

Home Depot, the nation's largest home-improvement chain, was accused in a Federal lawsuit today of discriminating against the homeless. "The very existence of Home Depot is offensive to the sensitivities of people without homes," says Nadine Strossen, head of the ACLU who filed the case, adding that the word "home" itself smacks of racism, bigotry, and intolerance and thus should be treated as hate speech.

The suit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of seven homeless people, some of them of color, squatting in an abandoned building next to the Home Depot parking lot in the Coney Island area of New York.


Happy Non-Specific Gender Parental Guardian Unit Day!


"Java Only" Developer Faces Discrimination Lawsuit

PHILADELPHIA - Encouraged by the success of a civil rights investigation into a local cheese steak restaurant that posted a sign "This is America - when ordering, speak English," a civil rights watchdog agency opened a similar investigation into one of the city's software development companies, Java Systems, for discriminating against non-Java programming languages.


Al Zarqawi: Advancing Progress No More

Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration.


  • Why right-wing extremists cheer Zarqawi's death
  • Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many think so
  • Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly - what have US marines done wrong lately?
  • Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum to open in University of Colorado at Boulder
  • FCC bans "dancing Zarqawi" iPod commercial
  • Cameron Diaz gets a cool Zarqawi tattoo

Fight US Occupation of New York During Fleet Week!

Local insurgents resist US occupation of New York during Fleet Week

Just as all progressive New Yorkers of good will prepared to celebrate this year's Fleet Week by watching reruns of Battleship Potemkin and dancing to the uplifting sounds of Red Army and Red Navy Choir, their open-minded city suffered a rude invasion by the militaristic US Navy forces.

The boorish US sailors and marines scurried through New York's enlightened neighborhoods without an exit strategy, acting like the occupiers they were - offending cultural sensitivities of the natives by not holding their heads down nor hiding their eyes in fear and guilt every time a faithful native gave them an accusing stare.


Open Letter to President Gore

Your Excellency: I am frightened. Very frightened.

Because I have seen the trailer for your classic film, An Inconvenient Truth. Your cinematic skills taught me that the future is one of "hundreds of millions of refugees," fires, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear disasters, and terrifying PowerPoint slides - all occurring within seven seconds.


Lenin Awards N.J. Mayor With Eminent Domain Medal

Lenin endorses a communist haven in New Jersey

Eminent domain expropriations are sweeping the American motherland like a red tide of Socialism raised by the increasing gravitational pool of Marxist thought. The Mayor of Piscataway, New Jersey, has recently seized the last remaining farm in the area in order to turn it into an empty space - the epitome of Socialist improvement, a.k.a. the Greater Good™.

Upon hearing that the kulaks and other greedy property owners of New Jersey are being liquidated as a class, Lenin resurrected from his Mausoleum - again - to help the revolutionary US peasants confiscate capitalist property and redistribute the bourgeois wealth.

Step one: find the heroic Democrat Mayor of Piscataway and present him with People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation...


People's Karaoke: Star-Spangled Bandido

Yet another version by Professor Palimpsest

Ole'! We will sneak,
'Cross the border tonight.
There's no wall to be scaled,
And your laws aren't worth heeding. We will need no green cards,
Nor a license to drive.
All hail Vicente Fox!
We're here and not leaving. Your family needs an au pair!
And some help with lawn care!
So why put up a fight,
When good help is so rare? Celebrate as our tri-colored banner is raised
Over our new colonies
In the land of the dazed!


Who Are They?

They trekked thousands of miles in searing heat...
They crossed the border risking life and limb...
They get paid peanuts...
They do jobs others refuse to do...
Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect...
They live crammed together in substandard conditions...
They rarely see their families...
They have to learn a foreign language and culture...
They recognize only one flag...



BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan

Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by "accident"? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?

Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!


Patrick Kennedy Crashes Car, Nobody Drowns

An early-morning car crash involving Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.), son of Sen. Ted Kennedy, has brought to the fore the excessive stress associated with being a congressman. At approximately 2:45 a.m. Thursday Pat Kennedy's car, with its lights turned off, narrowly missed colliding with a Police cruiser, then smashed into a security barricade. Patrick exited the vehicle staggering and declared he was a Congressman and was late to a vote. The House had adjourned nearly three hours before the incident.

The physician for the Kennedy clan has determined that young Patrick has been devoting so much time to his job and is so sleep-deprived that he was essentially "sleep driving" when he nearly injured himself in his vehicle.


Jorge Washingtonez Crosses The Rio Grande

The flag-waving U.S. traditionalists suffered yet another setback in the so-called "culture wars" last week, when a group of recording artists announced that they had produced a new Spanish-language version of "Star-Spangled Banner."

Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place.


2006 Annual May Day Communique' From Laika:

To the Workers, Peasants, Unwashed Toiling Intelligentsia, and the Party Privileged: You may now put on your tinfoil hats to receive the transmission.

In honor of Dan Rather, Komrade Kenneth will assist Dan in sending the signal. The frequency is now set. Dan, you may throw the switch and begin transmission:

Today Comrades, millions of socialists are taking to the streets of Amerika to advance the cause of the Welfare State! All borders shall be removed! The Mexicomintern Council has been working very hard with La Raza these past few months, blending fascism and socialism to come up a unique brand of progressive thought which is bound to destroy the Evil Gringo Bush and his capitalist knaves. Assimilation? No! Domination? Yes! Free stuff (hospital care) for everybody! We'll march today and get drunk on Friday, Cinco de Mayo! Even the Mexicans have kicked French Ass!


Access Hollywood Diluting The People's Cube Brand

Party disciplines agent for wardrobe malfunction: Tim Vincent to dig trenches in the tundra

According to Laika the Space Dog, The Berlin Wall fell in 1989 - but the Soviet Union NEVER FELL! We are in camouflage. Shhh! Regrettably, some of our overly zealous comrades are breaking the camouflage rules and leaking the truth out. Thus, Access Hollywood's New York correspondent, Tim Vincent, a veteran of the BBC, has repeatedly sported a hammer and sickle T-shirt as he introduced a story (see video). <


Kids-4-Gas: Trade Your Nagging Brat For A Full Tank

Abu Salim, Exxon station manager: "Moms have no problem dumping off one of their kids in return for a month of fill ups."
LOS ANGELES -- Since local gas stations began accepting children as payment for a month's worth of gas last Saturday, thousands of enthusiastic moms have already dumped off their annoying kids at the pump and took off to the mall with tanks full of gas. The new Kids-4-Gas program, successfully introduced by LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, is meant to ease the burden on poor families while simultaneously fix most logistical problems related to overpopulation.

"With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska."


Skools: Insider's View of the Revolution

Real pictures taken by a real student at Marilla Carillo High School in Santa Rosa, Ca. (at the corner of Calistoga Rd., and Montecito Blvd.)

Written and photographed by Comrade Betty, a bona fide student of that school

I am your average revolutionary public skool student who dreams of living in equality with everyone else in Amerika - never worrying about finding a job, or advancing my career, or being fired - just like the French.

I owe much of my aspirations to my teachers who have enlightened me and shown me the way to the glorious servitude of communism. The best part of it is that it requires absolutely no thinking. Who needs thinking if the entire universe has already been revealed to me, conveniently sliced and packaged, in my teachers' easy, educational bumper stickers?

Memorize them all - and you're ready for adulthood. I even took some pictures to share with you - and also to keep them with me after I leave skool, because if I forget what they said I'll be left without any moral guidance, and that's scary.


Taxes, Penguins, and the New American Dream

This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep.

You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.


Spitzer: Operation Corner Office

State police descended on Wall Street early this morning in a major crackdown on money-grubbing capitalist reprobates, commonly known by their derogatory name, "Wall Street CEOs." The massive dragnet, dubbed "Operation Corner Office," was organized and coordinated by a legendary people's New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, whose dedication to class struggle has earned him respect and adoration of all the city's 402,281 welfare recipients. <


Neocon Oil-Rich Theocratic World Domination Mid-Term Report Card

Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution!

When a commissar knocks on your door at 3:00 in the morning and you need to get ready for a long boxcar trip to Siberia, nothing will wake you up better than a hot cup of strong Marxism Coffee! that published this image points at "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." This coffee mix from a Korean shop in China, however, is neither humorous nor is it a mistake.

We at the People's Cube have been using Marxism Coffee Mix while writing our materials since the site's inception. Now, would you also like to see the other side of the package?


Get Yo Self A RaceCard: Free Ride 4 Life

This RaceCard first appeared on - but is now part of a commercial message issued by our friends at (Republicans while Black) - complete with customer testimonials!

Are you Black and got pulled over going 40 in a 25 mph speed limit? Then the RaceCard may be just the thing for ya! Have you ever found yourself walking while Black? Eating while Black? Or perhaps mugging someone while Black? Hitting an officer while Black? If so, child, you have come to the right place!


Immigration A Class Struggle; Assimilation A Thoughtcrime

There are many excellent ways for us to destroy capitalist America - and progressive immigration policies are among the best ones. The key word is progressive. The traditional, non-progressive immigration of bourgeois wannabes and capitalist bootlickers will only strengthen this last refuge of world capitalism - just like traditional education, media, and economic policies will make it stronger. Only progressive immigration, education, media, and economics will help us achieve the cherished goal of America's demise.


Islamic People's Fools Day

The Party frowns on political humor and satire unless it (1) help advance class struggle (ridicule the enemy and reveal the follies of capitalism; and (2) help the masses resist oppression while raising awareness (see Doonesbury, Jon Stuart, etc.).

While joking, one must always err on the side on caution - for "humor" is, by its nature, connected to the archaic bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox thinking."

Humor is often indistinguishable from lies - and we know that the concept of lies was invented by the ruling class of oppressors as a tool to deceive and exploit the oppressed (see Karl Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses").


The People's Cube Is One Year Old!

Oppressed workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia! One year ago today the People's Cube rapidly rose over the virtual horizon like the red sun of the revolution, dispelling the right-wing darkness of the blogosphere. Report to your local Kommissar for instructions about proper celebratory procedures. Join a mandatory spontaneous festival in your designated area. You will be given a Party-approved placard and a handful of rocks to hurl at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie. Consumption of People's Cube sugar beet vodka is optional.


Latte Revolution Video: Decadent Drink Weakens Resolve Of The Masses

All corporations are evil, but some are less evil than others. That's what these protesters had to be thinking when they gathered in droves at Starbucks to drink decadent lattes during the anti-war, anti-corporate, anti-capitalist, and anti-American protest at Washington, DC on March 18, 2006 to mark the 3rd anniversary of Iraqi liberation Imperialist War for Oil.

Unfortunately for the progressive movement, the consumption of bourgeois drinks was caught on tape by capitalist running dogs, thus exposing the soft belly of our class struggle.


Lenin Beats Up Protesters In Belarus Capital

MINSK (Reuters) - Belarussian police on Friday broke up a days-old opposition rally mounted in protest against President Alexander Lukashenko's re-election, detaining about 200 demonstrators in an early hours swoop.
We can tell you privately on condition of absolute confidentiality that Comrade Lenin is currently traveling in Belarus collecting information on the successes of building communism in this last Soviet stronghold of proletarian dictatorship. Judging by this news, progress is being made every day as more enemies of the people are getting arrested. Remember - the fewer people remain at large, the larger slice of the common cake the remaining ones will get. This alone is a good incentive to denounce counter-revolutionary neighbors and colleagues. Have you beat up a protester today, comrade? (OK, we recycled last year's Minsk story, but nothing had changed there. In Belarus, every day is Groundhog Day.

Read regular updates on the situation in Belarus on Lenin's own blog!

McRiots Vs. McDonald's: Franchise Battle

500,000,000 worth of capitalist property damage and counting
The new 'must work for money' rule, introduced by the French government, has precipitated huge street demonstrations in Paris, as student and labor leaders rise against the specter of capitalism, worried that its emphasis on hard work and personal responsibility will ruin their most cherished cultural values of government dependency.

At the famed Sorbonne University, protesters vandalized cars, bus shelters, and shops, including a McDonald's restaurant. Rioters, crying "Vive la Revolution," absconded with a statue of Ronald McDonald and later beheaded it with a makeshift guillotine.

"The new jobs contract is a slap in the face to our youth," an indignant student activist told us as he filled an empty wine bottle with gasoline to make a Molotov cocktail. "Every French child grows up dreaming that the government will give him a non-demanding job that'll pay for his future spacious apartment, month-long vacations, and dinners at Maxim. Now our dreams are shattered! Who can blame us for being angry? I'd like to look that person in the eye and torch his car."


People's Movie Review: "V" stands for "Vapid"

The names of many things start with "V." In fact, one of my FAVORITE things starts with a "V." After watching "V for Vendetta," I felt just like my favorite thing after a wild drunken Saturday night.

How is that, you say? Well, my friends, after watching "V" I felt royally f*cked and violated.

This movie is not just bad, it is worse. I am changing the English language to allow the statement "this is a worse movie," for "V" is and will be worse than any movie anyone anywhere might make in the future.

But enough of the name calling -- let's get to the film (without revealing too many plot details).

In future England (approximately 2015?), the Government controlls the news media, the Koran is outlawed, and homosexuals are wantonly murdered for their sexuality. Terrorists are freedom fighters, military personell are murderers, and mention is made of the Iraq and Afghani conflicts, as well as new ones in Syria.


New Search Engine "" Coming To USA

A powerful search tool, originally designed to the rigorous specifications of the Chinese government, is now available in the USA.

The latest innovations in search technology allow to provide you with search results without even having to type! Just click one button - your search will be returned immediately. Coming soon is the "advanced" mode, where you can actually type in your request! Immediately, your search is refined before even being submitted! No more faulty searches where you have to retype your query! No more "did you mean Cindy Sheehan" when you accidentally typed "Paris Hilton!"


Google Purges The People's Cube Worldwide

Open letter #2 to Google from the People's Cube
(posted on Help Center at 8:30pm on March 10, 2006

Dear comrades at Google:

At some point, quite recently, our popular site "The People's Cube" ( was purged from Google search results. MSN , Yahoo and other search engines still have it - but Google has erased/blocked any link to the site in its database. One can still find links to us from other sites - but not even one from Google to

We tried American, French, German, British, Australian, and Russian versions of Google - they used to give us traffic only a few days ago - but all we got was the same line in various languages...


Case Of Backward Evolution: New Hope For Democrats

Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over.
Progressive researchers and politicians alike are encouraged by last month's discovery of a genetic mutation that reverses human evolution to its starting point. Those affected by the Backward Evolution Syndrome (BES) walk on all fours and speak a primitive language.

The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong.

"Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes."


Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town

We are starting a new section for children - Hammer & Popsickle - where the nation's young ones can get indoctrinated, in an entertaining and subliminal manner, about the romanticism of class struggle and the evils of capitalism.

Our first installment explains why Iran has the right to build nuclear weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate entities, Israel and the United States, off the face of the Earth.

Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town is a sing-along version of the famous carol (with a great rendition playing on the background). The Islamic Republic of Iran's governing council of mullahs and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also believe in Santa Claus - only in their Shi'ite creed Santa is called the 12th Imam, known as the Mahdi....


Angry Muslims Protest Bush-Hitler Comparisons

Muslim protests erupted worldwide this week after a high school teacher in Colorado compared Bush to Hitler. "It is a crime in Sharia law to insult Hitler (PBUH)!" stated Abdul Ali Aziz in a Muslim street interview. "We have been listening to this kind of blasphemy from the Left ever since the Zionist puppet Bush got elected. The infidel teacher must be tortured and beheaded!"

Rage against the besmirching of Adolf Hitler's name poured out across the Muslim world on Saturday, with aggrieved believers calling for the execution of those involved, storming buildings, and setting European and American flags afire. MORE

Int'l Left Takes Over: No 45-Day Postponement

Castro and Chavez contemplate a takeover of yet another Hollywood studio

The uproar over major US seaports falling into the hands of an Arab-owned company has eclipsed a strikingly similar story of major US news outlets, Hollywood, academia, and the Democratic Party itself falling into the hands of International Left groups run by foreign nationals and even hostile governments, e.g., Cuba and Venezuela.

"Even the names of main acting figures are the same," complains Dubai Ports World Senior Vice President Michael Moore. "Unlike the DPW deal, however, the DP deal, and the MSM deal, and the Hollywood deal aren't subject to the same scrutiny and aren't going to be delayed by 45 days - even though they pose a much greater threat to national security than our shipping firm," Mr. Michael Moore said.


Is Cheney the Lone Gunman?

All we want to know is this:

  • Did he act alone?
  • Why was he shooting quail on a grassy knoll?
  • Did he go to a Dallas theater after the shooting?
  • Why was he in Texas?
  • Has he been to Russia?
  • Is a 28 gauge shotgun the same as a Mannlicher-Carbono?
  • Does Carl Rove own a nightclub?
  • What about the "Magic Pellet"?

Bush Finds Cheap, Non-Addictive Energy Source

Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States.

The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power.

As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.


Bush Fails To Prevent East Coast Blizzard

Bush/FEMA Drop the Ball Again: Minorities, Children Hit Hardest

As President Bush and his staff cowered in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African American victims who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida. Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn, and dark rum - so essential to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm - lay in stores undelivered.

"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to buy my damn lottery tickets!" said one D.C. resident from his living room. "Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?"


Jews Riot Over Pictures of Buddhist Symbol

Jewish religious leaders: "We will accept nothing less than cutting off the heads of the perpetrators!"
From synagogues in Brooklyn to cities in Israel to Red Square in Moscow to retirement condominiums in Boca Raton, enraged Jews around the world are rioting to protest the use of swastikas on Buddhist temples. The fury is relentless, as Jewish parents are wrapping their children in Korean and Japanese flags before sending them to self-detonate in front of those countries' embassies.

As explained by residents at one Fort Lauderdale senior-care center, "If you thought that the Burger King's defamation against Islam was incendiary, then wait until you see how vengeance is taken against those who display swastikas. Those torchings of Broward County Sushi restaurants were no accident."

However, when confronted with evidence that the arson attack might have actually come from these senior residents, he offered a different explanation: "It's against the Jewish religion to harm others. We know for a fact that the Buddhist Secret Service destroyed those restaurants in order to make us look bad."


Islam's Struggle Against Cartoon Terrorism

Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.

Ahmed Jihad of the Soros-funded charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly stated that "This is the end of a tenuous peace between Muslims and Infidels, with only the occasional beheading, open market suicide bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."

Considering the current state off affairs in the Ummaworld and the Dhimmiland, we have created a new section that reflects on the struggle of the oppressed Islamosocialists against our common enemy, Western capitalism...


DNC Response to Bush Raises At Least One Eyebrow

As most Americans sat down to watch the DNC response to President Bush's State of the Union address on Tuesday night, they did not expect the action to be accompanied by an unusual jumpy creature sitting on the left side of Tim Kaine's forehead. Experts on both sides of political aisle agree that the content of Tim Kaine's speech was completely overshadowed by what media circles are now referring to as "The Eyebrow" ("the eyes have it.")

The Virginia Governor's furry little pet left American viewers adjusting their TV sets, while the makers of Rogaine scrambled to see if a product malfunction had taken place. Sometimes the creature seemed to take on a life of its own, moving independently from the rest of Kaine's head, and at one point even leaving the room for a minute, only to return with a glass of water...


The Socialist Brain of a Liberal Democrat

As promised in the previous post, Republicanism Linked To Brain Disorder, we have prepared a composite sketch of a healthy Socialist brain.

Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican brain.

Click on the map to see larger image!


Republicanism Caused By Brain Disorder, Mutation

This composite sketch is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.
Scientists have finally identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.

After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican brains for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happen s to a brain that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment.


Google's Great Leap Forward
An open letter to Google from the People's Cube

Dear Messrs. Brin and Page:

May we take this opportunity to applaud your decision on accepting technical guidance from the Communist Party of China in your creative Google China project, and to extend our admiration for your recognition that search technologies are best left in the hands of responsible government entities (the U.S. imperialist government doesn't fall into that category, of course). There has been, however, a misunderstanding of sorts, which we must point out to you. To wit - where is this page?


People's Economics Primer

As a special benefit to People's Cube readers, we have arranged with Prof. Dr. rer. pol. hc Paul Kurgman, Ph.D. to have his widely-acclaimed "People's Economics Primer" available here for free. This is a shorter version of the standard graduate-level economics text, and it includes concepts such as

  • Taxes
  • Inflation
  • Unions
  • Anti-trust
  • Monopolies
  • Surplus value
  • Sound financial advice a language for the common man/woman who knows that Progressive Economics (i.e., standard graduate-level economics) is the only true economics -- and yet does not have the cognitive function to understand why this is so without the benevolent guidance of Professor Kurgman.

After humiliating your right-wing adversaries with the devastating rhetorical skills in The People's Progressive Truth Generator, you will be able to impress your progressive allies with the economic knowledge you learned in Professor Kurgman's Economics Primer.


Bin Laden's New Tape Narrated From The Astral

An Interview With Bin Laden's Personal Psychic

"I made bin Laden's audio recording and passed it on to a friend at the DNC," says Miss Courvoisier, psychic worker of Brooklyn, New York
So is Osama bin Laden dead or alive? On January 19, 2006, Al-Jazeera provided another clue, airing a new audiotape purportedly from bin Laden, who offered the U.S. a truce, while also threatening to strike again.

CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio.

Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements.

Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source.

Gangsta-Culture Sensitivity Training In New York

Lesson for New York Mayor: "I have learned that the diverse sign language of the gangsta community could make all of our communications more vibrant and nuanced."
After learning that New York City police officers have been receiving Islamic-culture training, the Big Apple's largest street communities, the Bloods and the Crips, criticized the NYPD and Mayor Bloomberg for discriminating against the gangsta people.

Furious gangsta community leaders demanded that a similar sensitivity training program be created to educate law enforcement members about the intricacies of "gangsta-culture," with its vibrant rituals, traditions, and etiquette.

"The Crips community has been here since the seventies and we don't get no sensitivity program," said a concerned Crips activist who happens to be a minority. "The Muslims just showed up and they get all the respect. Why don't the news people raise awareness about the Crips' traditions and culture? The cops are learning that the Muslims get offended when you show them the soles of your shoes. But what if we in the gangsta community get offended when the cops show us the whites of their eyes? Will they finally quit that sh*t?"

Fund Raisin' Nagin's Nutty Chocolate City

We at the People's Cube have developed a technology that emulates the thinking of the NYT writers. With just one mouse-click, without paying a dime at the newsstand, you can now generate an instant NYT headline that will brighten your day and ruin it for the capitalist pigs. Just look at this list of Top 10 NYT Headlines we have generated with this technology:

Click here to generate your own progressive NYT headline


Saddam Requests Trial Be Moved To Vermont

Saddam Hussein, currently on trial for crimes against humanity (including multiple counts of mass murder and rape), stunned the court today by requesting that his trial be moved to Burlington, Vermont. Mr. Hussein's attorney, Ramsey Clark, later told the press that the former Iraqi dictator decided to seek a venue change after learning that a Vermont judge, Edward Cashman, had given a man who confessed to repeatedly raping a 6-year-old girl a jail sentence of only 60 days.

"That's the kind of deal we could live with," declared Mr. Clark. "My client needs therapy, not prison! A lengthy term will only harden this fellow. Sure, my heart goes out to his alleged victims, but there are other families out there, and there are other innocents who could be victimized if Mr. Hussein doesn't receive timely therapy. I'm trying to take the long view. Moving the trial to the Green Mountain State will ensure that progressive justice is served."


King Kong: The Greatest Remake Ever Made

The huge popularity of our original King Kong review has prompted us to do an immediate remake.

Progressive critics (do we get to read any others?) hail Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong for many good reasons - except for the real ones. Those can only be discussed among the Party elites (and The People's Cube readers, of course).

The strongest subliminal message this movie sends is that of the moral bankruptcy of America 's culture of greed and commercialism and the crushing impact that it has on a heroic giant with the noble heart of a savage. Capitalist exploitation? Absolutely. Devastating effects of globalization? Of course. Western imperialism imposing its cultural hegemony on non-conformist representatives of indigenous cultures? You bet. Animal rights issues? Lots of them. Condemnation of bourgeois anti-bestiality taboos? Sure enough. Humanizing animals while dehumanizing mankind?...


Hollywood's Brave New Era of Remakes

This year's remake of King Kong has brought Hollywood's vibrant Era of Remakes to a supreme climax. It easily beats such recent remakes as The Mummy, The Producers, Planet of the Apes, War of the Worlds, Phantom of the Opera, House of Wax, Dukes of Hazzard, Dawn of the Dead, The Flight of the Phoenix, The Time Machine, The Longest Yard, The Manchurian Candidate, The Stepford Wives, The Italian Job, The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Thomas Crown Affair, The Bad News Bears, The Ring, The Musketeer, The Honeymooners, The In-Laws, The Ladykillers, Thunderbirds, Psycho, S.W.A.T., Bewitched, Godzilla, Herbie, Alfie, Willard, Shaft, SpiderMan, Guess Who, Dark Water, Starsky and Hutch, Pride and Prejudice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Yours, Mine and Ours, Walking Tall, Freaky Friday, Charlie's Angels, Ocean's Eleven...


America Takes Off Gloves, Puts on Brass Knuckles

The United States has often been called, directly or indirectly, the most brutal, repressive, and rapacious empire ever to place its yoke on the shoulders of humanity. But today, in an alarming policy shift that has the world recoiling in horror, the Bush administration, fed up with its critics, announced that the United States will immediately begin to live up to its unflattering, media-driven image.


Iraqi Group Demands Withdrawal of Western Moonbats

In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell."

The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.


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