An Interview With Bin Laden's Personal Psychic

So is Osama bin Laden dead or alive? On January 19, 2006, Al-Jazeera provided another clue, airing a new audiotape purportedly from bin Laden, who offered the U.S. a truce, while also threatening to strike again.

CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio. Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements.

Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source.

Miss Courvoisier, the self-described High Priestess of Ishtar in the Temple of the Sacred Harlots of Brooklyn, New York, has a long-standing reputation as an exhaustive researcher and thorough fact-checker.

Her psychic booth is strategically located between the boardwalk and a liquor store on Coney Island, where she practices necromancy from noon to 8pm seven days a week. The back room contains a Yamaha audio recording ministudio. The sign over the entrance says, "We speak Spanish and Russian."

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I Made Bin Laden's Tape!

Exclusive Interview With Bin Laden's Psychic

PC: Do you also speak Arabic?

Miss Courvoisier: Do I look like a translator to you? The deceased, you know, speak in all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. But I only speak English - translation costs extra.

PC: How come your tape wound up at Al-Jazeera first?

Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. After I recorded it in November, I gave it to my regular client, who's a strategist at the Democratic National Committee. She said she'd pass it on the right people - and what do you know - the next day Jack Murtha gives a speech and recites half of the tape word for word. Then Howard Dean goes on record and recites the other half. I've been hearing excerpts of it on TV all month - the Senate Democrats ripped it off as if there's no tomorrow, long before Al-Jazeera even knew about it.

PC: How did it get from there to Qatar? Is there a DNC leak of sorts?

Miss Courvoisier: Not really. I gave a copy of the tape to Abdul, who sells liquor next door. He must have passed it around.

PC: Why didn't bin Laden choose to go to a Muslim necromancer?

Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from, necromancy is not allowed. People get killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of laxer policies on summoning the dead.

PC: But why did he choose you, a US citizen, and an enemy infidel?

Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics. Besides, he's got unfinished business to take care of.

PC: What kind of unfinished business?

Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way he died. He'd been sitting in his cave, half-dead from diarrhea, when a US bomb hit and blew the remaining crap out of him. So the biggest question on his mind right now is what really killed him. Was it the bomb? If so, he died a hero and a martyr. Or was it the dysentery? If so, let's just say there won't be 72 virigins waiting for him. In his culture it's a raw deal, but who are we to judge his culture?

PC: The transcript doesn't mention that.

Miss Courvoisier: It's where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt. The translators have totally missed the point. He's looking for answers, and the answer lies with the US Armed Forces. So naturally he's asking for a truce.

PC: Did you ask him questions on intelligence? Names, locations, phone numbers?

Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my aura a bad vibe in the astral and thwart future attempts at contact. One must block out all political affiliations and show no hint of bias when communing with spirits. We necromancers are very similar in that respect to ACLU lawyers and CNN reporters .

PC: Would it be possible to wiretap a psychic session?

Miss Courvoisier: I'm not answering that. We've got enough problems with the NSA's domestic surveillance. If the word gets out that the NSA might be listening in to my conversations with the dead, I may lose all credibility with my customers. All I can say is that there has been no recent increase in "chatter" among the dead terrorists apart from the welcoming messages to new arrivals. They just keep on coming!

PC: How did your contact with bin Laden happen and what did you experience?

Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying. I started with the pendulum and then switched to the Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!

PC: Tell us about your tools of the trade.

Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have always worked for me, but on occasion I also use a Ouija board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment. I tried video, but even these new megapixel cameras aren't sensitive enough for that. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured with only a built-in mic on any boombox.

PC: US officials did mention that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much better than the one from November, 2004.

Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In 2004, I used my daughter's Pink Kitty boombox. Not this time. See this? It's a Yamaha's Audio Workstation with a hard disk recorder, DVD burner, sweepable high-pass filter, compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously operable! This 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone digital ministudio includes mixing, automation, sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up to 7 PCM expansion boards, 96 MB of sample RAM, and 256 MB of waveform data. Its dynamics processing and parametric EQ...

PC: That's quite enough, we get the picture.

Miss Courvoisier: Quite a bang for the buck, right?

PC: Is there anything else that you would like to tell our readers?

Miss Courvoisier: Whatever you do, never try to summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank you.

If he is dead, I don't think there will be 72 virgins waiting for him.

Unless the virgins are male and gay.

Can I have his 72 virgins? but only if they are female... and hot.

The "I Made Bin Laden's Tape" is classic!!!!!!!!

Osama went to his final reward in the Heaven of Islam.

He met James Madision who kicked him in the stones.
He met Robert E. Lee, who kicked him in the stones.
He met George Washington, who kicked him in the stones.
He met Patrick Henry, who kicked him in the stones.
He met Stonewall Jackson, who kicked him in the stones.

Osama asked "Allah, why is this happening?"

Allah answered. "These are some of your 72 Virginians. Did you think I said something else?"

We Muslim, we keen to die more than you are keen to live in this world.sooner or later you will be destroyed by forces of Islam, such as Alqaeeda. The cartoon which danish newspapers printed and called it Mohammad, was offensive to Muslims and they will be punished very soon.

kabir suleyman wrote:...we keen to die more than you are keen to live in this world.

If you're so keen to die, then go hang yourself and leave me to my Honey Nut Cheerios. If you are too timid to do the job yourself, then I'm sure the Marine Corps will help to facilitate your early retirement from this terrible world.

-Mikhail

Guess whose quote this is:

A known politician wrote:There will be peace in the Middle East when Muslims and Arabs love their children more than they hate the Jews.

So now we also have to adjust it to Kabir Suleyman's quote:

"There will be peace in the Middle East when Muslims will stop being keen to die more than non-Muslims are keen to live."

There's also a quote about the spreading of a murderous death cult disguised as a peaceful religion, but I'm too lazy to look for it now...

Red Square wrote: There's also a quote about the spreading of a murderous death cult disguised as a peaceful religion, but I'm too lazy to look for it now...

Where was it from? T3h Bible? T3h Nostradamus? T3h McDonalds?

You may hear it if you play Green Day's "American Idiot" backwards.

That hippie band? What are they doing putting the truth into their propaganda?

The key word here is "backwards."

It's similar to how you play a country song backwards - first you get out of jail, then you stop drinking, then you get your girl back, your dog survives the fire, you get a job and a house, you win big in Vegas, and you live happily thereafter with the girl and the dog in that nice little house of yours.

With progressive bands it's a similar concept, only when you play their songs backwards the story is about how America is a free country where people have the opportunity to pursue happiness, how it treats everyone fairly, and only someone with a twisted mind of a spoiled brat, or a distorted perspective of a Marxist, of a brain-dead terrorist could hate this country for what it is. It's called hatred of the good for being the good. But some Americans understand what's at stake here, and so they don't sit idly and go out and kick the terrorist and the Marxist butt.

The backwardness described in the above example is the opposite of progress. But this is what you get if you play progressive rock backwards.

Ahh... I have experienced such things... I think.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=he6ADh-za2Y

kabir suleyman wrote:we muslim, we keen to die more than you are keen to live in this world.

What the--? If you want to die more than I want to live--meaning you really, really want to die, while I really, really don't want to live--then doesn't that mean both of us want to . . . ?

Oh wait, I get it now! This is one of those word play riddles!

As I was going to St. Ives
I saw Abdul with seven wives.
Every wife had seven kids,
Strapped on each kid were seven bombs,
To blow up seven synagogues.

For every synagogue that's bombed,
The Left asks seven times, "What's wrong?"
For each and every time they ask,
Seven more Abduls repeat the task
Seven times.

How many innocent people died
Before the Pope spoke and decried,
Calling on the Christian God,
Prompting seven new jihads?

Rinse and repeat seven times.

Wow, Pinkie! I think this poem deserves to be showcased in its own thread!

Any of the graphic-oriented comrades wants to make an illustration? It would have to be a good one to match this instant classic.

Did she actually write that?

In addition to my other hidden talents, Betty, no one will play this video game with me because I beat them every time.

And you thought all I could do was hit people with my shovel.

Wow. That's an old game. I don't think I've ever played that game. However, I just got this which I think is better than the Crash Racing games.