Bin Laden's New Tape Narrated From The Astral

"Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics." Miss Courvoisier, Priestess of Ishtar and Sacred Harlot of Brooklyn, in her chambers in Sheepshead Bay (around 1985) "Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of laxer policies on summoning the dead." "It's not easy to videotape a ghost summoned from the astral, but the voice can be captured with a built-in mic on any regular boombox." "The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!"

I Made Bin Laden's Tape!
Exclusive Interview With Bin Laden's Psychic

PC: Do you also speak Arabic?

Miss Courvoisier: Miss Courvoisier: Do I look like a translator to you? The deceased, you know, speak in all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. But I only speak English - translation costs extra.

PC: How come your tape wound up at Al-Jazeera first?

Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. After I recorded it in November, I gave it to my regular client, who's a strategist at the Democratic National Committee. She said she'd pass it on the right people - and what do you know - the next day Jack Murtha gives a speech and recites half of the tape word for word. Then Howard Dean goes on record and recites the other half. I've been hearing excerpts of it on TV all month - the Senate Democrats ripped it off as if there's no tomorrow, long before Al-Jazeera even knew about it.

PC: How did it get from there to Qatar? Is there a DNC leak of sorts?

Miss Courvoisier: Not really. I gave a copy of the tape to Abdul, who sells liquor next door. He must have passed it around.

PC: Why didn't bin Laden choose to go to a Muslim necromancer?

Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from, necromancy is not allowed. People get killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of laxer policies on summoning the dead.

PC: But why did he choose you, a US citizen, and an enemy infidel?

Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics. Besides, he's got unfinished business to take care of.

PC: What kind of unfinished business?

Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way he died. He'd been sitting in his cave, half-dead from diarrhea, when a US bomb hit and blew the remaining crap out of him. So the biggest question on his mind right now is what really killed him. Was it the bomb? If so, he died a hero and a martyr. Or was it the dysentery? If so, let's just say there won't be 72 virigins waiting for him. In his culture it's a raw deal, but who are we to judge his culture?

PC: The transcript doesn't mention that.

Miss Courvoisier: It's where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt. The translators have totally missed the point. He's looking for answers, and the answer lies with the US Armed Forces. So naturally he's asking for a truce.

PC: Did you ask him questions on intelligence? Names, locations, phone numbers?

Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my aura a bad vibe in the astral and thwart future attempts at contact. One must block out all political affiliations and show no hint of bias when communing with spirits. We necromancers are very similar in that respect to ACLU lawyers and CNN reporters .

PC: Would it be possible to wiretap a psychic session?

Miss Courvoisier: I'm not answering that. We've got enough problems with the NSA's domestic surveillance. If the word gets out that the NSA might be listening in to my conversations with the dead, I may lose all credibility with my customers. All I can say is that there has been no recent increase in "chatter" among the dead terrorists apart from the welcoming messages to new arrivals. They just keep on coming!

PC: How did your contact with bin Laden happen and what did you experience?

Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying. I started with the pendulum and then switched to the Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!

PC: Tell us about your tools of the trade.

Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have always worked for me, but on occasion I also use a Ouija board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment. I tried video, but even these new megapixel cameras aren't sensitive enough for that. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured with only a built-in mic on any boombox.

PC: US officials did mention that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much better than the one from November, 2004.

Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In 2004, I used my daughter's Pink Kitty boombox. Not this time. See this? It's a Yamaha's Audio Workstation with a hard disk recorder, DVD burner, sweepable high-pass filter, compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously operable! This 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone digital ministudio includes mixing, automation, sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up to 7 PCM expansion boards, 96 MB of sample RAM, and 256 MB of waveform data. Its dynamics processing and parametric EQ...

PC: That's quite enough, we get the picture.

Miss Courvoisier: Quite a bang for the buck, right?

PC: Is there anything else that you would like to tell our readers?

Miss Courvoisier: Whatever you do, never try to summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank you.