In an unprecedented twist following the Iraqi elections, a newly formed Iraqi resistance group calling itself "Swords of Democracy" has demanded that all Western left-wing journalists and anti-war activists currently in Iraq must cease their activities, leave the country within 24 hours, and stop their incessant anti-American propaganda, or else. The news came shortly after FoxNews Channel broadcast a statement by a 77 years old Iraqi voter, who exclaimed, "Anybody who doesn't appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell."

The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.

"Enough is enough," a masked group leader said to the camera in good English with a soft Iraqi accent. "We have given these clowns a lot of credit in the past. Their premise that we can't govern ourselves without a fascist dictator was insulting to our intelligence, but we forgave them, believing that they were well-intentioned, albeit misguided nutjobs. Their slights were offensive but we thought they had been misinformed about what life had been like under Saddam Hussein. We pitied them because we knew they had been mentally abused by communist professors in college. But how many more innocent Iraqis must die at the hands of Zarqawi and his foreign goons before the spoiled buffoons in the West realize that supporting terrorists and opposing democratic forces is not only diabolically immoral, but also atrociously criminal!"

The leader, who requested that he be called "Ranger of Freedom," took a moment to poke one of the hostages in the head and continued, "We had hoped that our recent democratic election with a 70% participation rate, would finally teach these geniuses that what most Iraqis want is the rule of law and the end of violence. But their subversive activities and mendacious reporting have proved to us that the last thing these kooks want is peace and the well-being of the Iraqi people. They are, in effect, enemies of Iraqis, just like the Jordanian Zarqawi gang. Why are they here then? To advance their political and ideological agendas at the expense of our lives and freedoms? Screw them!"

"In addition to a complete and unconditional withdrawal of all Western moonbats from Iraq, we demand that the liberal Democrats in the US Congress shut up about the rights of al Qaeda detainees. What rights? The scum of the earth who car-bomb our women and children on market squares must burn in hell along with their abettors! Stop hampering the War on Terror, and generally don't say things you can't possibly understand. American TV networks must stop badgering President Bush with phony accusations and, instead, get on the side of progress and liberty with the rest of the American people. The Hollywood degenerates must get a moral backbone, ditch Michael Moore and George Clooney, and start making movies that actually support the spreading of liberty in the world instead of portraying the freest country known to man as the worst and the dingiest place on earth!"

"If our demands are not met," the leader of the previously unknown militant group continued, "we will hand over these hostages straight to the terrorists whom they came here to abet. Such action will be morally justified. If the terrorists cut off their heads with a rusty saw, we will call it poetic justice."

As they did when Islamic militants recently kidnapped some of their members, Christian Peacemaker Teams leaders started writing an urgent appeal to the captors - but quickly abandoned the idea because, as opposed to the Islamic militants, they couldn't hope to establish common ground with this particular group, let alone find a plausible excuse for the CPT activities.

Reuters, whose journalist is held captive, has issued the following statement: "We have always believed in moral relativity, maintaining that one man's "terrorist" is another man's "freedom fighter." Never before in our coverage, even after 9/11, did we use the word "terrorist" without scare quotes. But the action by the "Swords of Democracy" has taught us a lesson in morality. In a moment of moral clarity, we declare that good and evil are, indeed, absolute. From now we will call the strain of political thought espoused by the "Swords of Democracy" terrorism - without any scare quotes around it.

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These guys should be "bargaining" with NYC TWU Local 100. Long live the new paradigm of SOD!!!!

This is what happens when ideologues and greedy sellouts without proper journalistic credentials take on the real journalists at the real newspapers. The Iraqis have been deluged with American propaganda for so long now that they don't know who their friends are. Now they reap chaos and anarchy! When will people see that bourgeois freedom has real-world consequences? Frightening news. Absolutely frightening ...

Absolutely freakin' brilliant.

I think an "urgent appeal" is the kind of thing these people will truly understand. I mean, these people aren't like those Christians who go around cutting off the heads of people who don't believe in their so called "religion". These people just need to understand that the protesters mean them no harm.

Tailgunner Joe, advocating a return to Jim Crow, said:

These guys should be "bargaining" with NYC TWU Local 100.

Excuse me, but if you were ever disrespected, then you would understand that anyone who goes to work (walking, taxi, whatever) during a strike is a scab, and that when you're fighting for your dignity, you do what you got to do.

Comrades, I have just soiled my party issued blue overalls after reading this article. It is clear that neo-cons have taken over Iraq and are butchering our progressive brethren in a bloody violent onslaught or even worse.... forcing them to watch endless hours of Sean Hannity, oh the terror!!! I endorse the use of the "urgent appeal" even though it is harsh and may garner us international criticism from our European masters. However, I think if the situation gets any more gruesome we should send Jesse Jackson to negotiate our immediate surrender. We must all be aware that victory can only be achevied through defeat. Long live the Great Murtha!!

Owww.......my brain hurts, So confused??????
How can I tell the difference between a "Western" Moonbat
and an "Eastern" Moonbat?
Would the 70% of Iraqis who voted be considered an "Eastern" Moonbats?
Is Leonore an "Eastern Moonbat" and Cindy a "Western Moonbat"?
Are there "Midwestern Moonbats" and do they live in Indiana?
Are there "Great Northwestern Moonbats" that live in British Columbia?
Is there a "Spotted Moonbat"?
Is there a "Hairy Chested Nut Scratching Moonbat"?
Are they all protected by The EPA and ACLU?
Maybe the Cube needs to start a 501(3) C tax exempt "Moonbat Preservation Society"?
Help!

How can I tell the difference between a "Western" Moonbat
and an "Eastern" Moonbat?

It's easy, all the western moonbats are just eastern moonbats that mooved out west to build themselves giant homes while they lay back and brag about their trust funds.

are we allowed to not like some things bush has done, or is thought and speech that heavily controlled now? i never get the memos.

reverend gisher wrote:are we allowed to not like some things bush has done, or is thought and speech that heavily controlled now? i never get the memos.

Good question. The answer really depends on who you ask. If you ask an "extremist" like me, the answer is "go right ahead and criticize that socialist nitwit's asinine policies", but if you ask "moderates" (a.k.a. fanatical moral relativists), anything short of sucking off GWB on a regular basis constitutes treason and indicates a strong desire to see everyone in America killed by the Islamonazis.