Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution

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When a commissar knocks on your door at 3:00 in the morning and you need to get ready for a long boxcar trip to Siberia, nothing will wake you up better than a hot cup of strong Marxism Coffee! that published this image points at "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." This coffee mix from a Korean shop in China, however, is neither humorous nor is it a mistake.

We at the People's Cube have been using Marxism Coffee Mix while writing our materials since the site's inception and couldn't be happier (thanks to our contacts at the Chinese Politburo). Now, would you also like to see the other side of the package? After a heated editorial debate, we decided on full disclosure in the spirit of our commitment to educating the oppressed masses.

ImageClooney: I didn't think much of class struggle until Warren Beatty introduced me to Marxism Coffee Mix. Now I'm hooked! Marxism was everybody's drink of choice on the set of Syriana and Good Night and Good Luck!

Hillary Clinton: Marxism Coffee helps me think. Here's what I came up with yesterday after a cup of this classic lukewarm, unsweetened beverage: if people deserve universal health insurance, then they also deserve universal coffee insurance. If it works for healthcare, then it must also work for coffee.

Ward Churchill: Drinking Marxism Coffee is a requirement in my class. It promotes a healthy anti-capitalist worldview, suppresses natural curiosity, and stimulates conspiratorial paranoia. Our Marxism blend has proven to block most BS detectors in college adminstrators. We are now distributing a petition demanding government subsidies to make Marxism Coffee Mix available for all students on campus!

Image Our chief story editor after drinking 1/2 gallon of Marxism Coffee Mix


Wake up to the delicious aroma of class struggle!

Try other distinctive flavors:

  • Red Army jackboots (to give you a kick start)
  • The iron fist of the people (comes with the buzz)
  • Gunsmoke sensation (the ringing won't stop!)
  • Great purge (your hands may shake)
  • Black Maria trunk (sharpens senses, boosts memory)
  • Morning in the gulag (go with the flow)
  • Cattle prod (makes you work faster)
  • Lost in a mass grave (caffeine free)
  • Castro's mustache (for you lonely feminists)
  • Million men march (don't mind the aftertaste!)
  • Jungle fever (feel like Che Guevara being chased by a mob of angry Bolivian peasants)
  • A riot in Paris (so strong, you'll want to open your windows)

Now comes in Domestic and Export varieties!

DOMESTIC: for proletarian consumption in the people's republics of China, Cuba, and North Korea
  • Roasted barley: 15%
  • Generic Ritalin: 20%
  • Generic Zoloft: 20%
  • Mind Controlling Substances: 25%
  • Pine needles: 35%
  • Aspirin: 5%
No agitation, no excitement, no discomfort! Great savings in lobotomy costs for the government-run healthcare system.

EXPORT: US college campuses, Starbucks, coffee machines at the New York Times, etc.
  • French roast: 15%
  • Crack cocaine: 15%
  • LSD: 10%
  • Collectivist hormone enhancements: 20%
  • Revolutionary fermenting agents: 40%
Better conversion rate than Kool-Aid! Guaranteed 50% increase in useful affiliates. Preferred drink of Hollywood celebrities and San Francisco city supervisors.

Feeling particularly slow today? Try our new Premium Cattle Prod™ blend.
Professor Kurgman: We need Universal Coffee Access legislation modeled after the Canadian healthcare system. Everyone will pay a new tax so that coffee will be provided for free, with retailers selected by Congress and compensated according to rates that are determined by the Senate Coffee Access Commission. This will ensure free coffee for everyone, everywhere. Once that is achieved, turning Marxism Coffee Mix into the only available state-approved brand is just a matter of time.

Comrade Square!
Is that a Marxism Coffee Mix mass-capacity feed tube flowing directly into Pple'sC Chief Story Editor's cranium?
If so - will such a device be available at the village dry goods co-op for the average proletariat or is it reserved for hi-ranking aparatchiki only?
In reverent and humble perpetual progressive proletariat prostration,

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Marxism Coffee - the blood of the revolution! This from MosNews: Voronezh Scientists Turn Blood into Coffee, Milk, Chocolate

Try a cup of Heros of the Revolution. It's like Soylent Green only even more delicious.

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Wow, now I can get my daily prescription of Zoloft AND Ritalin by just drinking that stuff. My skool administrators will love this!

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God's Favored Coffee?
Coffee is the opiate of the toiling masses? You betcha!
Have a Cup Today!
Or it's Gulag Tomorrow.

Marxism....because you belong to the state!

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The Coffee Machine .........How Marxism is made..............................

Don't forget to click on "APRI" !!!

COFFEE MACHINE ... 404_01.swf

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We will not allow leaks in our organization. This is not the White House. This technology is classified information. But now that the secret is out, a disclaimer is in order: this monkey has been fed all the right ingredients prior to brewing a perfect cup of coffee that's good to the last drop.

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Is Marxism made with the purest of proletarian sweat? I need to know because I have become pretty accustomed to the dirty brown water the Party provides me already....

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I just thought of a great idea for a product jingle. It goes, "The best part of gulag work is Marxism in your cup."

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Wait... we give the re-education workers free coffee? Isn't that a waste of The Party's™ money? Or is it for the soldiers who patrol the gulag and make sure everyone's doing their job, and the administrators who keep it running at full power?

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The New York Times has finally spilled the coffee beans... (ushanka tip to SMO)

This is where Marxism Coffee apparently originates.

We went inside and took some snapshots...

The latter must have been left behind by the Commissar of Wet Works and Housekeeping (SMO's colleague).


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(crackling and .. tuning... )

This is most korrect Comrade Peoples Direktor, The Great incarnadine Trapezoid (but as you have stated it, it could not possibly be otherwise)...

I am almost finished my sojourning on behalf The Party™, but thought I would send a few fotos back as my media cards were all getting rather full and the only ones available here are shi... are sub-standar... are pirat... chea... crapp... are very valuable proletariat-made knock-of... fak... reproduktions of the originals that I would not want to over-spend The Party's™ valuable resources on, and so I am unloading a few to make a bit more space for to dokument my fakt-finding mission...

Yes... I found this marvelous kavateria and kommisary during my travails... no... I am sorry for inkorrekt spellings... during my travels... yes, travels and researches on behalf of The Party™ and so very very excited was I that upon securing my Jew ears under my ushanka I immediately walked in and said, "Hello Comrades!.." and when the bullets had stopped flying, I continued, "Please, I would like to order a fragrant steaming pile of hot Marxism, to go... with a little extra hot pickled cabbage on the side, and some of those cruncy noodles..."

It was one of the most satisfying meals I have ever consumed, and the bacteria from the chicken only seemed to effect me on and off for, well... I am still taking the medicina and I may be quarantine for typhus for some time, but that remains to be seen... I will bring back the recipe...

Someone is coming and so I must be gone, like a dissenter in the night...

I live to serve. I serve to live...
Sister Massively Opiated
Kommissar of Housekeeping, Disappearances, Composting and Limo Services... Oops... forgot Dissektion... damn... always forget Dissektion... well... not forget... only forget in title... am always Dissekting.... sorry... medicina for dissentry make Sister babble sometimes, BUT NEVER REVEAL PARTY™ SECRETS!
Somewhere On The Road To Nowhere (exact lokation Party™ Secret) on Behalf of The Party™

(crackling and ..)

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(crackling and .. tuning... )

I dispatched interloper... okay, so... I just wanted to add, if it pleases our Great Red Square, Sister would very much find it useful to have option of inserting... em... no... of placing the above warning sign in question, when necessary or in order to keep, for examples, small childrens from accidentally stumbling into inappropriate circumstances, should they wander away from, say, The Party™ creche, or from serving Meow his dinner... this sort of thing...

It is a very useful sign, is it not? I am thinking it is and so am begging Glorious Red Square's special dispensation in acquiring option of placing such sign when necessary to smooth the operations of the Kommissariate of Housekeeping's duties upon my return to the Bosom of The Party™ and The Cube™.... would this be possible, please, without going through Meow's time wasting triplicate forms and whatnot (I will take care of Meow... wait... did not sound right... I will find some appropriate favour to trade with Meow in order to make up for circumventing his tiresome and time-wasting preoccupation with dokumenting everything but his personal kollektion of Hummels and his extensive kollektion of forms of foreign currency... and I will keep Housekeeping from short-sheeting his bed, which is quite a feat really, since it is that travesty of a round rotating water-bed with satin sheets - do you have any idea how hard it is to short-sheet a round bed? Close to impossible, but yet, we manage!)...

In any case, Sister would very much like sign for her Kommissariate's use if it is as all possible this could be arranged.

Shise... someone else is coming! I must go before the pile becomes noticably large...

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,

(crackling and ..)

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Dear Comrade Sister! Your request has been fulfilled using the special stimulus fund reserve set out for extraordinary circumstances. Go to Full Editor (no offence to editors who happen to be overweight), click on CLIPART! and scroll a few lines down. It's the last image in the first section. Just drag it into th posting area.


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First we see Marxist Coffee; but in true Soviet Russian fashion, I give you the Coffee Marxist!

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Dearest Glorious Red Square,

I am thanking you for your most great dispensation in this matter. Even as I type this, I am enjoying my morning Marxist Kava (the special PMO dark roast) with cream and sugar acquired from a very helpful prole who is even now changing into his second pair of underwears (such a wealthy country!)... Took very little persuasion, and his childrens lined up in front of Sister while she was waiting for him to retrieve it, and practiced their speeches denouncing their parents. It was very sweet. I am loving this country!

In any case, the sign will be of great use, and I think I would like to try it out now, while enjoying this wonderful cup'a'uncle'joe and being entertained by these obsequious little future back-stabbing darlings (it leads one to speculate if perhaps Meow has some off-spring that neither he nor The Party™ is aware of)... I have not had so much fun since we had that mock Christmas Caroling and gift giving exercise during the Thoughtcrime™ Seminar, where we were forced to drink eggnog, listen to signing of banned songs, and I even received a lump of very useful coal in my stocking (it was a warm night in the bunker that night!)...

Here I go... Image .... Oh! I very much enjoyed that... and here comes that annoying prole again... I do not think this sign will go to waste for long!

Oh come all ye faithful... just a little closer....

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Are these the beans that, like, pass through monkey butts before they're ready to be roasted?

If so, it would bring new meaning to "smell the coffee."

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Is there a barakracy for this Marxism coffee? I would never be able to drink something I bought from a capitalist institution. I will only pay for it if the company distributes the money equally among all proletariat. Rather than investigate this, I would like to simply trust my money to a coffee barakracy knowing that they will solve the world's problems with what I give them. Better yet, it has been made mandatory via income tax lest I should forget to support the great national state democratic people's representative party.

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For those of you who were blissfully unaware of it, there was once a coffee company trafficking in a brand with the offensive name "Contra Coffee" that was allegedly grown by former Contra exploiters and pillagers who had the gall to claim they were regularly being excluded from Fair Trade firms and denied government aid. As if! All we right-thinking (curses, that phrase!) people know President Ortega is a fine ruler. The Miskito Indians and others got what they deserved for clinging to their backward reactionary false consciousness. The wingnuts lapped it up, like the capitalist running dogs they are.

President Ortega might have some broken some eggs, but he had no huevos, for he had redistributed them among the masses. To great rejoicing.

But I digress.

The other day in a fit of pique, I went to The People's Search Engine and was delighted to find that "Contra Coffee" has apparently gone out of operation, thus sparing millions from physical, mental, and gastronomic pollution.