Conflict in The Middle East: Progressive Solutions

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Now that we have identified the problems of the Middle East, it is now time to present high-powered academic solutions to this crisis. And whereas the average policy maker is hard-pressed to find a single solution, I, with my vast intelligence, have developed eight solutions:

1) Establish Scientific Socialism.

The tranquility of the late Soviet Union can be easily moved to the Middle East -- with the assistance of a violent revolution to terminally smash the ruling class and establish a workers' paradise where everyone will be the equal of everyone else, and everything we need will be free. Why can't the entire Middle East be like a People-of-Color version of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea? There are no wars among the Korean people!

2) Establish an Islamic Caliphate.

Is there anything more peaceful than the sight of devout Muslims kneeling on their prayer mats, praying for World Peace? Imagine a world where the entirety of Palestine is legitimately occupied by millions of people who spend all of their time praying for World Peace. The force would be deliciously irresistible, and would spread throughout the world. Eventually, the entire planet will be occupied (in the best sense of the word!) by people who do nothing other than pray for World Peace.

3) Human Extinction.

IMAGINE: A peaceful Arab cultivates fields of his Socialist Islamic Motherland at the "Wives of the Prophet" Collective Farm in Saudi Arabia.Image
The true war is between Earth and its rapists; i.e., the human species.

Extinction will save us all.

The remaining solutions are not as powerful, but will nevertheless solve the problem

4) Zionist Surrender.

It takes two to fight, and I therefore declare the Zionists "guilty as charged" for not surrendering. Total surrender and an iron-clad promise to never attack again (accompanied by a UN-enforced demilitarization of the Zionist state) would end this conflict forever.

5) Sue the Zionists in International Court.

I have already lodged several lawsuits against the Zionists for their disregard of international law. In particular, I have demanded that all Zionist generals (and Arial Sharon - no, I did not forget you) be airlifted to The Hague, where they can be tried under U.N. auspices, and hanged, for mass murder. Think: If everyone in the World Community sued a Zionist, we could have years of delightful litigation imposed on this illegitimate state. And come to think of it, wouldn't it be even more effective to simply file lawsuits against every Jew in the world? That would put a quick stop to their crooked lobbying efforts!

6) Defeat Amerikkka.

Amerikkka is Israel's puppet. Or do I have that backwards? I mean to say, Israel is America's puppet. (See how crafty they are? Even I, with my legendary cognitive powers, cannot escape from the slimy ooze of the deceptive Zionist snake!) But one is always behind the other -- plotting and conspiring to unleash their blood-drenched war-mongering upon the most vulnerable amongst us. Amerikkka needs to be defanged, and fast. Wake up, peeps, and crash the gate!

7) Return Iraq to its rightful ruler, the Hon. President Saddam Hussein.

Image Saddam Hussein knew how to handle Amerikkkans

(And charge Zionists Cheney, Rumsfeld, etc. with war crimes at The Hague before they too are hanged by EU observers.)

What do you think my fellow progressives and I are yelling about when we take to the streets in defiance of the Iraq War? When we say that Amerikkka had no business going in, we mean that everyone was far better off with Saddam Hussein in charge.

Remember, President Hussein was a calming influence in the Middle East; he knew how to handle Zionists: "For years Hussein wrote checks in the sum of USD 25,000 to the families of Palestinian Arab suicide bombers."

8) Annex Amerikkka to Iran.

In my learned opinion, I think that the nation of Iran could easily absorb the entirety of Amerikkka. The result would be a true global-spanning Iran with the Amerikkkan military at its disposal to quickly terminate all conflict in the Middle East. Overnight, the Zionist-Occupied Amerikkkan War Machine would become the Iranian Peace Machine, and that dumb fascist monkey Bush-Hitler would finally be reigned in and replaced by a caring leadership that has repeatedly demonstrated that they know what the word "restraint" means.

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Professor Kurgman, I have many professors that are blessed with the same insight you have on international politics and fighting for social justice. Yet I find it hard to believe everything I hear from those who have not stepped outside the hallowed walls of academia to really experience what they rail against. This troubles me, and I denounce myself. Therefore, I will enroll next semester in a comparative religion and re-visionist history course to further re-educate myself to toe the Party line... I also sentence myself to 450 days of non-stop 24 hour viewings of the hit TV sitcom Roseanne to further feel the plight of the working class.

I have to go now and find my shovel and something warm to wear...

Prof. Krugman, I applaud your efforts, even though your name is Jewish, you have not fallen into the Zionist trap. Like many of your great fellow Amerikkka professors you put that silly patriotic ideal aside for the ideals of the true socialistic theory. That Islamic fascism can be won once the Muslims realize that religion is the opiate of the masses and that those who believe in a higher being are to be ridiculed and scorned. That the belief in God or Allah cannot exist in a perfect socialistic world. Only your great minds will be able to reach and teach Muslims that Allah does not exist and there is a better way through socialism.

I admire how many Jewish Americans, like yourself, in Amerikkka do not throw away their votes. How they look beyond the fascist Republican lies of KKKarl Rove and vote for those who do not stand in the way of SMASHING the offending occupier. I am sure if Islam were to spread, against the wishes of Israel and Amerikkka of course, that the brave Hezbollah and Hamas freedom fighters would gladly thank you and reward your courage as you stand with them against the oppressor.

People like Barbra Streisand, Jon Stewart and Chomsky will be welcomed with opened arms by the freedom fighters. In fact I don't even believe the lies Murdoch's Faux News foments that they are Islamofacists. I believe, like many of my professors have taught me, that they are freedom fighters for a greater progressive ideal society. While Israel is an evil tool for Amerikkka aggression against the whole Middle East in its greedy quest for oil.

I want to thank great learned professors like yourself Prof. Krugman who have opened my eyes that were once closed, to suffering that Amerikkka has caused around the world. I know Hama, Hezbollah and Al Quaida will listen to your great mind. Once they do, they will renounce their simplistic archaic religious binds that tie them. Because we intelligent people of a higher level believe that only great open minds like yours can reach them. They will be touched like so many of us have and we will live in peace once Israel is defeated and revolution has occurred in Amerikkka.

I also wait for the day that Gay Marriage will be seen as a right all over the world, including any Muslim country. I believe that great men like yourself can make it happen. Unlike this barbaric Amerikkka that denies that basic human right.

Freedom for Palestine, Bush is the Only Terrorist, and Death to Wal-Mart.

Here's an idea. Stop bombing them.

Mulva is correct, bombing is bad and too expensive, use cheap rocket Katyushas.
It's good for killing Nazis and irony there folks!
It's nice to hear somebody playing tunes on Stalin's Organ again.

We are talking about the same "them", right Comrade Troll?


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Righteous music for the Proletariat!

Troll Rock!

With all the happiness and feel good vibes of Nirvana combined with the smooth stylish vocals of Bob Dylan and the three chord progressions of Alice Bowie (Cheech & Chong's "Earache My Eye") The Cube is very proud to bring you Alva Goldbook! ... g100694166

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The Cube is very proud to bring you Alva Goldbook!

No it isn't! My ears are still bleeding, and this crappy "Peoples Toilet (sand) Paper ©" isn't stopping it!

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Premier Betty!

How can you say such mean things about Hero Troll of the Revolution?
Is it not true about the Federeen and the Reich Wingers?
Is it not true that Bushler is coming for the Muslims, Gays, and activists which is truly 'True Evils". Isn't the Rovian concentration camps overflowing with them?
Is not "Military Secrets" killing us all?
Our troll speaks the "Truth"!
Maybe your ears are bleeding for the love of such progressive genius and intellect? Da!

By the way, where did you get toilet paper? I stood in line for two days for such luxury. Oh, I forgot, you are Premier. Nevermind.


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Oh no, it's not the lyrics, it's that awful sound that is trying to be passed for music like a sloth passes a frozen pop tart. I had no problem with the party-approved lyrics. They were a true inspiration to anyone dumb enough to take it as truth.., I mean... to all that listen....

And don't feel bad about the toilet paper, that stuff would work better as steel wool instead. I have resorted to using the freshly laundered clothes of peasants... I mean "the people".