Cindy Sheehan Loves America

I love America - but not the filthy rich capitalist society it is now. That America is inherently evil, it has been killing people on this continent since it was started. As if that were not enough, it is now spreading the cancer of Pax Americana and imperialism in the Middle East. No, the America that I love is the non-polluted, sparsely populated country of five hundred years ago, with its various tribes free of capitalist exploitation, breaking each other's skulls with stone axes, shitting in the woods and getting eaten by wild animals.

We want our country back!

To revert to that idyllic state we must work together on dismantling this America and letting nature take its course. But we can't pursue our noble cause while that maniacal Bush is standing in the way of progress. He's taking away our freedom to destroy this country. Bush must go! And if we have to jail everybody from George W. Bush down to the person who picks up dog shit in Washington, we will jail all those people. Progress needs sacrifice. It's worth dying for. And then we will destroy the war machine that builds bombs, guns, and bullets and everything, so we will never have to fight again and will never be afraid of anybody.

Look at major media networks following me! They can't say it themselves, so they use me as a proxy to hammer a progressive message into those murky American skulls!

I don't care if this results in thousands of Iraqi families being slaughtered by the Jihadists. They shouldn't have believed Bush's lies about freedom and democracy, cuz it's bullshit. Nobody in the world wants freedom and democracy. It's a big American lie.

The ensuing bloodbath should be a good lesson to everybody who still believes in America! The Jihadists will only be killing collaborators, so I'm not worried. It's their own fault. Instead of waving US flags they should've been stabbing Americans in the back, like those true Iraqi patriots who killed my son Casey. But I'm not angry with them cuz they are killing their own children too - like they did with those 24 candy hogs that were swarming around US troops. These children were collaborators, just like my son Casey, who instead of destroying America joined the Army to implement the neo-con PNAC agenda.

And to all those Iraqi kids still alive and preparing to go to school I would like to say this: stop raining on my parade! Cuz, you're not freer. Can a terrorist strap himself with explosives and walk into a US base without fear of getting killed? No. And if the terrorists aren't free it means nobody is free. The Iraqi mass-grave diggers are much worse off than before we meddled in that country. And here's a short message to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi whom I never met but always admired from a distance: Keep up the good work!

I firmly believe that only the Baathists and the foreign terrorists have the right to speak for the Iraqi people - not the millions of stupid idiots who voted while risking their lives to get a taste of democracy. Cuz democracy is bullshit. I hope the true Iraqi patriots will trace them all one by one, and cut all those ink-stained fingers off - just like in the good old days of Saddam when everyone was freer and happier, united by their hatred of imperialist America. I shared that sentiment back in the days when I carried the sign "US out of everywhere!"

And when we succeed and America finally pulls out of everywhere, and the Jihadists will have the Middle East all to themselves, they'll force Israel to pull out of Palestine as well. At that point, the Jihadists will only be killing Jews, so I'm not worried. The world will be better off without those troublemakers. And when the Jihadists come to America we, the progressives, will be waiting for them with funds, tenures, and ACLU lawsuits against the US government.

So I feel I am doing important work here stalking our president. If I leave now it would send a terrible message to the terrorists. Here's what I want to tell Bush as a mother: You don't have my permission to defend 300 million Americans from death, torture, and mutilation!

My opponents might say I'm just some crazy hag ranting in a ditch - but look at these major media networks lining up to interview me! That means they'd all love to be able to say what I'm saying - they're just afraid that if they do so openly, stupid Americans will stop buying their papers and will tune off their networks. So the media elites use me as a proxy to hammer a progressive message into their murky skulls. Cuz unlike them I am immune to criticism. As Maureen Dowd of the New York Times writes, I have an absolute moral authority.

Observe the roll of politicians who support me: former presidential candidates Dennis Kucinich and John Kerry, Senator Ted Kennedy and John Edwards' wife Elizabeth, also Senator Barbara Boxer and Congresswoman Maxine Waters, Congressman John Conyers, and my favorite, David Duke. And there would be many more if Bush hadn't taken away our freedoms.

But with Bush gone, we will all create a great multicultural society where Whites, Blacks, Asians, Latinos, and Arabs will join together and go hand-in-hand to beat up the Jew. That will mark the end of oppressive, conservative America. We will be free at last - to destroy the war machine, burn down the cities, and start shitting in the woods and getting eaten by wild animals. Now, that will be an America worth dying for.