US Military To Use Democrat Attack Strategies In Iraq

BAGHDAD - The recent gains by US military in Iraq appear to be the result of a new approach that copies attack strategies used by the Democrats against Republicans in Washington. "Relentless, unprovoked, ungrounded, and indiscriminate attacks for the sake of attacking - whoever, whatever, whenever - have sent the enemy cowering into the deepest holes, immobilized with panic and despair. Impressed by such a resounding success, the Pentagon is now trying to adapt the same strategy to fight insurgency in Iraq," U.S. Lt. Gen. David Petraeus said Friday.

~

The Schumer Gambit is one of the deadliest tactics the Pentagon has learned from the Democrats. It exhausts the enemy by endless baseless allegations, hearings, investigations, and nonsensical press conferences, dragging them on for many hours until all participants lose any sense of reality, become sensory deprived, and drop their guard - at which point the enemy is quickly and ruthlessly annihilated. Senator Schumer shares fighting techniques with soldiers of the newly formed Screaming Schumer's Division. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid: "Karl Rove, we're coming for you next, piggy! Oh, we're coming!"

Experts point out that the Pentagon had been borrowing from the Democrat playbook before. The safe Green Zone in Baghdad, for instance, is an exact replica of the heavily fortified Blue Zone in DC, with a system of checkpoints allowing entry exclusively to the Democrat-friendly journalists, volunteers, and job seekers.

Similarly, the infamous Whack-a-Mole strategy in Iraq was but an emulation of the earlier Democrat approach to hammering the GOP forces - a game of futility that continued until the player got tired and quit or he ran out of money and ammunition. But it only had a temporary effect, suppressing the enemy in one area but allowing the Republicans to regroup and re-emerge somewhere else.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi teaches young Democrats to play Whack-a-Mole with the GOP

The new troop surge doctrine, in essence, emulates the Democrat buildup in Washington in the aftermath of November elections. A surge in Congress enabled the growing Democrat forces to intensify relentless attacks and clear a lot of territory in what was previously considered Republican strongholds. Their successes have sent Pentagon experts to DNC headquarters in an effort to learn how to use these effective fighting techniques on the insurgents.

Democrats don't refuse to take credit where credit is due. "Our new game is called Seal-a-Hole," recalled House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) as she gladly shared best practices with Army and Marine commanders. "It has a very different dynamic from the earlier Whack-a-Mole game. Seal-a-Hole actually has a victory point. When all the holes are sealed, the game is over - and the Democrats have won."

Even though Seal-a-Hole is not futile, it requires a great deal of patience. "There are many, many holes, and each hole has a mole that must be whacked," Pelosi said. "Some of the holes, such as the White House, are very big and will require many mallets to properly seal. We get occasional reports of growing hotbeds for suspected Republican extremists fleeing the Democrat-led security operation in Washington. But if we have the courage and fortitude of our allies in the Iraqi insurgency, we will seal those holes, and we will win.

Among the new military tactics borrowed from the Democrat playbook are the Hypocrisy Maneuver, Bribery Jig, Pork Barrel Ploy, Empty Promises Dodge, Personal Destruction Demarche, Presumption of Guilt Stratagem, and the Schumer Gambit.

Amnesty International and other human rights watch groups have issued warnings indicating that some of the Democrat ruthless take-no-prisoners tactics cannot be used against the Iraqi insurgents as they violate a host of international laws, accepted rules of engagement, and mere human decency.

 

If the Military wisely employs the stratagem codified by The Party(tm), then this war continue on for another 11 years. If not more. From that standpoint The Party(tm) can declare victory........ that is .... a victory for the terrorists. This is BRILLIANT!!!!

Your excellency, HRC,

Did you think this up? Or did Comrade Pelosi? I know it was not Comrade Schumer because we all know he is your bitch boy!


I must know, in order to tell the children. It's all for the children!!! You know their eager young Socialist(tm) minds will ask the question.

--
"Peace through Socialist(tm) Customer Service. We not only bend over backwards for our country's enemies, we bend over forwards as well."

Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Grand Inquisitor and Zampolit for the TRCOLDC (The Goremons)
 

This is bad! Those strategies work! We want the troops to be so crippled by legal rules that they are nothing than sitting ducks. Those attacks are compromising the efforts to lose the war!
 

Premier Betty

Those attacks are compromising the efforts to lose the war!

Premier Betty, I think the Party is compromising needed efforts to lose the war. I recognize that our stooges in the media are hailing Friday's vote as a great victory by a very large margin of six votes, but it's not as much a victory. If we are going to surrender, why do we have to wait until 2008 to give up and bring the troops home? Let's learn from the masters of surrendering. Did the French wait a year to surrender to anybody? NO! They surrendered immediately. But the Party's bill, that Great Leader HRC has vowed to pass in the Supreme Senate, requires surrender by 2008! That may give Bushitler time to snatch victory from the jaws of surrender! By the way comrades, let's not label the spending projects for spinach included in the bill as "pork." This labeling will be offensive to our beloved freedom fighters who secured our win.
 

What my esteemed colleagues lose sight of is that there is no reality outside the Beltway. There is no Iraq. There is no Texas. There is no Kansas. Sometimes there is Los Angeles and New York, when celebrities come to visit. So who cares about Iraq?

So it doesn't matter what happens. And after we suborn Diebold and other voting machine makers, and make their usage mandatory, and after we figure out how many votes that we need, the way led by Mayor Daley and Landslide Lyndon and Boss Tweed, then there is no more fear. Just give the proles what they want to hear, and take the money. Do away with the soldiers, or have them work on my cotton fields and Meow's gardens, and tell their families that they died from the hand of the Bushitler.

But we're losing sight of the most important thing: the truth will set them free. So never use it.
 

My gardens do need a good weeding... so do my ranks at HQ. <sigh> My only hope is that we will lose this war in good time and that our lose will signal the end of all wars and the embrace of international socialist slavery. Honestly, comrades - the troops don't want to be in any kind of conflict, period. No, our armed forces instead want Green Welfare... you know, join the military to stay here at home, collect wages and watch the Eastern liberators bring the fruitful culture of Sharia Law to our decaying, evironmentally destroyed shores. I mean really now, the poll numbers never lie, folks! THE TROOPS DON'T WANT THIS IMPERIALIST WAR FOR BLOOD AND OIL, WE SUPPORT THE TROOPS! THE REPUBLICANS DON'T! SOCIALIZED NANNY-STATE CONTROLLED HEALTHCARE WORKS! JUST LOOK AT WALTER REED! GAAHHHH!

Hopefully, with the help of our media and our subversive front groups (paid in full by the DNC, right Gloria!!??) the troops will come to their senses and wage a war worth fighting... that war being against capitalist and other undesirables we can think of ( I personally have a distrust of school buses... oh, and clowns... we need to rid ourselves of the scourge that is clowns - but not the mimes, they're on our side, right Mikael?!?)

END THE WAR FOR THE SAKE OF SOCIALISM! A CENTURY OF FAILURE PROVES NOTHING! LOVE US, DAMMIT! WE INVENTED TETRIS! YOU HEAR ME, WE INVENTED TETRIS!!!!!!!
 

Listen up!

I want everyone to line up - single file - for the ritual ass kissing ceremony. *I*, in all my greatness and grandmotherlyness have delivered a decisive blow to the war machine... and now I want my ass kissed. Glory be my name since I have ended the war! The sun shall never shine again and the darkness shall encompass the globe! Gahahahahahahahahhaaaa <cack> <cough> hahahahaha! Commissar Theocritus, you shall be the first to kiss my ass... oh, and by the way; I haven't showered in four weeks... good luck! Meow! Get back in line! There will be no running off this time... I don't care if you do have a cold sore; I GOT 'EM EVERYWHERE MYSELF! Gaaaahaaaahaaaaa! Oh, Lupe, quick, get the camera... I want everyone to have a souvernier! I want to see the looks on everyones faces... like the log flum ride - but better! Oh yes, much better!!!!
 

Chairman Meow, you are as always first in my thoughts, except for my strange lust for Direktor Irena and my admiration for our Many Titted Empress, but much as I esteem you, let me repeat: Screw the polls. Screw the voting.

All we need do is impose the Fairness Doctrine and pump a few hundred million into Air Amerika, and we could silence Limbaugh. And with Net Neutrality we could silence the conservative blogosphere.

So we inherit everything without the need to win elections, conduct polls. Make sure that all education is given trillions more for "self-esteem" which will be needed when we fail to teach children to read and write. Ignorance is strength!

And if they don't agree to be happy, we'll award them with a free vacation to one of our vacation camps. I'm already planning a takeover of Merck for the production of sodium pentathol, and Dr. Menegle's son, who was never caught, has perfected his skills in Brazil--no one cared about those Indians that disappeared. The fools thought they died in the sugar plantations but it was in Dr. Mengele's experiments. I have a sure-fire formula of how much pentathol it takes for body mass, but the one variable that is hard to control for is IQ and the buyout of Gillette was a ruse to get control of a knife factory for the production of millions of lobotomy blades. You need a variety--Slavic skulls, being larger, need longer ones, and brachycephalic skulls, in general quarrelsome Mediterranean ones, need flexible blades for the nose-support structure is large. But all shall be served. And Walt Disney has been employed, owing to their expertise in moving people in Disneyworld, to construct a moving line of treatment chairs, all staffed by graduates of the Texas A&M veterinary school of medicine.

So. Screw the polls. Screw the media. You and I, Meow, and perhaps Hillary, if she'll shave her legs--too hairy for even me--can rule the world but we have to get those who might try to get in on the act stopped. And I've had the foresight to procure a small re-education line already.

You will submit.
 

Nancy, if you want someone to kiss your ass, get Bonnie Fwank. He's more your speed. I'd kick him out of bed. And what is your head doing out of your ass at this time of night? Don't you need at least a good eight hours of sleep in your bat cave every night?

You can't intimitate ME! I'm in tight with Hillary, and Meow and I have entered into an agreement (I'm sure he'll agree with me--or else) that we'll take over and then Hillary's days are numbered. When she's annointed President for Life, I shall have her tour an Armour meat-packing plant and she just won't come out but the tins of ham will wriggle on their own volition and emit a dull roar.

You think you're something, you bitch! If you saw what I did to that bug-eyed queen in the El Paso hotel room you'd be nice to me! You're in the bush leagues now baby, you bush!

Oh. Sorry. Been channeling Stalin using the Ouija board that comes with the Gold DNC card. Sorry.
 

How dare you speak to me that way! HOW DARE YOU! Lupe, fetch me a bowl of your award winning chili and some tabloids... I believe we have a piggy that doesn't want to tow the Party line... oh yes; my cellulite will make this piggy squeal, that, and of course a  steaming Pelosi puddin-pop!

And Meow...

You take a wonderful picture! My goodness, the expression on your face was priceless! The curled lips, the turned up nose, the gasping for breath... priceless, absolutely priceless! Well now, this picture is going straight to my office and will hang right next to the shruken Krissy Keefer head.
 

Nancy, my goon squads are waiting and just for you. I have rented Madison Square Garden and I'm going to have on the marquee "Hillzilla vs Peloskithra"; I'll have both of you dressed in black leather--ought to take two herds for Hillary, but not that much for you once I finish braiding your flabby skin.

And I'll teach you about party line. You just think that you've got balls. I know balls. You don't have balls. You're a screaming piss-pot of boiling estrogen! And you don't know shit about the party line. You told the truth about your name. (It is your name, isn't it?) Bill Clinton lies to keep his hand in and it's not even his real name. Hillary's very farts lie. Harry Reid doesn't have a brain but his eyes lie. Joe Biden steals other people' lies. Bonnie Fwank lies out his ass! Pat Leahy is a mole rat. Jay Rockefeller got the Disney animatronics that were rejected by that robot Algore!
 

Comrade Pelosi,

Remember who pulls your strings.  You are but a puppet of Glorious Uber Comrade HRC. Don't think you can grow a spine and order about members of the Inner Party or you just might have that spine ripped out and banished back to Compton where you can ladle out soup to the unwashed masses.  

We are watching.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

Nansky, my little commie tchotske, O'Brien is being generous when he says that you're a puppet of Our Glorious Many Titted Empress HRC. If you don't toe the party line, you'll find out about real hurt. Ask Algore how it feels with an arm up his ass to the elbow 24/7. He has to have that big, fancy Cadillac with a cut-out seat for the #300 Igor to sit behind him, his arm up Algore's ass, telling him what to do, and his balls are in a radio-controlled vice with HRC pushing the buttons.

And every time that HRC thinks that Algore needs to have a little animation, Igor puts on his Harvard class ring. Wouldn't want to be nice to Algore by having a Yale or Vanderbilt one, would we? But then he flunked God at Vanderbuilt and took a dive on law, not even meeting the minimal standards of Jerry Rivers, sorry, Geraldo Rivera, whose career went from gang member to lawyer to talk-show host to chasing people down the street with a microphone. Now there's a real example of how to fail up.

For you, my little commie tchotske, we'll put your titties in a wringer, and that will be controlled by Our Empress Sow HRC. Ask Katie Graham how it feels to have her titties in a wringer; I bet she's still rubbing salve over them after Watergate.
 

Quote:

You are but a puppet of Glorious Uber Comrade HRC.

Quote:

a puppet of Our Glorious Many Titted Empress HRC.

Ohhhh!
Ohhhh!
Yes! Yes! Nancy darling, more....more...faster....faster...
Yes!
Ahhhhh.....
That little counter-clockwise swirl at the end was just purrrrrrfect.

Sorry guys, I don't think so, it depends on your definition of (finger) puppet.
We were listening to the Beatle's "Penny Lane" and things got a little out of hand, but mostly hand.

That was Dinah Moe, let me tell you.
Nancy, you're one hot GILF.

xoxoxoxo

Hillary '08
 

My empress. I had no idea that you would grace us here, considering all of the stepping on people's necks that you do. It's a 24/7 job keeping the lower orders in line. Me, sometimes I have to get up at, oh, 10 AM and crack the whip before lunch is served by my coterie from Gold's Gym--bearing huge trays of fruit.

It is my understanding that SMO has recently revamped the Hildo 7.0 for double-action, but this one requires a three-phase motor and comes with its own power truck, the one that the Stones sold because it got to be too big for them. But it's just right for you, my favorite CILF and Nansky, your favorite GILF.

But tell me, when Nancy tells a particularly big lie, does her nose grow enough to satisfy you? I suppose not; no human lungs are powerful enough to draw air through something that big, except of course yours, My Many Titted Empress, when you're in full throttle.

By the way, there is a rumor that the Loma Prieto earthquake was caused when you and Nanski were canoodling when the earth moved, the earth moved.

Is there any truth to that?
 

Quote:

By the way, there is a rumor that the Loma Prieto earthquake was caused when you and Nanski were canoodling when the earth moved, the earth moved.

Is there any truth to that?


No, we just came back from a Japanese junket.
 

Hillary

Sorry guys, I don't think so, it depends on your definition of (finger) puppet.


Glorious Uber Comrade HRC,

Humbly meaning that Comrade Pelosivich lives by your whim and your whim alone, and that is something that she needs to remember.  She may be the current handmaiden of your gloriousness, but that does not make her your equal, and (mayhap I am mistaken) her actions of late have caused one to believe that she intends to take on the Throne.  Your throne Glorious Uber Comrade HRC, and as a rabid W.H.O.R.E it is my duty to ensure those that try to take on The Throne disappear not only from sight, but from memory.

Your Obedient Servant,

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

HAIL GENERAL PELOSI! In your brilliant vote on the war, you have proved to be the greatest general for progressivism since General Zhukov single-handedly defeated the George Bush of his day! I look forward with eagerness when our dear leader, HRC occupies the Red House, giving General Pelosi orders on which capitalist countries to liberate!
 

Why thank you, Comrade Branish! Your enthusiastic pledge of unwavering support excuses you from having to kiss my ass! Congratulations! O'Brien, you're a different case... now march your ass over here to kiss mine while I still have my panties down... oh, and be quick; I don't want it to chap up again (among other things).

Hillary my love,

I'm so glad you enjoyed the Kung-Fu Swing that I learned from some corporate friends while vacationing in Thailand (business trip, you know, cheap labor for my sweatshops). I practiced hard for eight weeks learning how to do that number... even broke my pelvic bone to *perfect* it, its all for you Hill! And since you're gracing us with your divinity... why don't you pull your briefs down and make everyone kiss your ass as well. I mean, everyone is here, single file and ready to go... why not? Make the little peons kiss for their supper! Meow, front and center and smile again for us when you make contact. Lupe, get the camera... I want a picture of him kissing Hill's ass too.

Commissar Theocritus

If you saw what I did to that bug-eyed queen in the El Paso hotel room you'd be nice to me!

Who, John Waters? Is that the bug-eyed queen you're refering to? I heard he has a show on Court TV now, you must have worked wonders on him!
 

No, not John Waters although the appearance is similar. Eyes that burned with hatred so much that a (straight) friend and I called them Star Wars--this in the days of the ogre Reagan. You could see them roll under closed eyelids. But oh, the pleasure of sitting on that queen spitting spite and hatred, spread-eagled on the floor, hands of hair, ripped out, on the floor, like a scene from The Exorcist, all because it was a liberal Democrat. This was in the days before I saw the light and went to Cambridge. And before my days of being bicoastal--Cambridge and Berkley where I dine with Jerry Brown,

I warn you, Comrade Peloski, that although you might enjoy it, you do not have the mass--I had muscles before they were legally required. But our Many Titted Empress, now there's another thing. With her divine haunches, which could take simultaneous kissings from the 3rd Army--HRC could sit on a bug-eyed queen, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, and it would look like a transparent bean bag chair on a broom. And the picture could serve as training in medical school for dermatologists or for Domino's on how not to make a pizza.
 

HILLARY IS NOT FAT! She is just big boned... which reminds me; I have a luncheon appointment with Janet Reno tommorow at the Pussypalace...err... I mean Shoneys... yes, Shoneys. I think Maureen might be there too... not sure yet, she has a yeast infection (I told Lupe to whip up her famous cheese dip to ease the infection). Hey Hill, you want to do lunch tommorow with us? The bill will be on the San-Franny board of sups, oh, and some Hollywood donors will be there... I heard Mindy is dancing tomorrow... dammit... I mean I heard Mindy will be serving us tomorrow (wink wink, nudge nudge) at Shoneys.. All you can eat salad bar, your fav. Hill! Maybe we can get Ellen to do some comedy while we dine. Lupe, get on the horn to Ellen... I wish to be entertained with humor tomorrow... Oh, pack my spare set of dentures too... Lenin knows I choke on salad without them.
 

No, no no, whatever you said, Nancky. She's not fat in the slightest...Jeez put some dope in this bimbo's Geritol, won't you, Alex? She's really on the rag now...turn Slick Willie queer if you can stand the idea of that...

Nancy, dear Leader, I love to dine with humor too. On St. Patrick's Day I was in an Irish pub with Craig Livingstone, Bernie Nussbaum and Robert Reich. Craig got shit-faced and started threatening the waitresses that if they didn't show him a little compassion he'd get their FBI files and Reich was looking up their dresses, and he was standing up at the time. Craig suddenly looked down at Reich and said, "Goddamn it! There's a leprechaun!" and grabbed him by the beard and said, "Gimme me your pot of gold! Bernie, help me with this!" The nut tree was too busy passing out cards marked Barratry-R-Us to bums on the street to bother with it, and finally Reich, about 1/6 Livingstone's size, all that beer and Big Macs, you know, said that didn't carry cash but that he was in charge of all the union slush funds and had Jimmy Hoffa on a chain in the back yard. About this time the nut tree came in and said he had an IM from Goldfinger about Fort Knox. A good time was had by all.

Nancy, did you chip out your teeth on the Hildo 7.0? I hear it works on Vista now but that whenever our Many Titted Empress was getting close to the money, it stopped and asked, "Pleasure request. Accept or deny?" and her fingers were so slippery with the Teflon-based lube that her trotters kept slipping off the button and so she flew to Redmond on her Hoover and Bill Gates won't be having any more children. But Linda thought that the pool boy had a bigger package in the flesh, not in practice, and so she took to him but the foolish woman didn't know that Paolo isn't that dependable. Just as she was getting into it, someone, like, well, I hate to brag, shouted, "La Migra!" and Paulo left the bush for the bushes.

And that reminds me, if Meow doesn't tender me that apology--I forget what for, I'm just pissy, all Progressive People are like that--I'll go to his plantation and yell, "American Idol" and all his proles will run, whether to or from, I don't know, but he'll have to peel his grapes himself. Serve him right.
 

Call off your Advocate attack dogs, Theocritus. I know you sent them... they broke into my Dacha last night, re-decorated the living room and left a rather nasty note written in pink lipstick and smothered in glitter. HA! "American Idol"?? My proles don't have televisions and my fields are free of thought criminals... speaking of which, I need to get with SMERSH on what to do with the bullets. I refuse to foot the bill for the bullets used... I REFUSE! Now then, I will remind you that Yuri is ready and willing to waltz down to your fields with a truckload of "product" to sabotage your operations... and when I say "product", I am refering to hair care and moisturizers... which, within minutes, would disrupt your fairy proles from working. They will swarm to the "product" like drunken sailors in a Panama wanna-hump bar. Can you handle that, Theocritus? Huh... well, can ya? And so help me, I will even pull out the nuclear option and have Yuri scream "sale at Bloomingdales" for all to hear... so help me, Theocritus, I will do it!

Call off your attack dogs and we will work something out. Here, take this coupon to Olive Garden  to ease your pain and as a token of my goodwill.
 

Ha! Meow, I see that my ruse has taken you in. You think that I would employ the weakings of The Advocate? Once I was fool enough to employ them and someone whispered, "Barbra is in the house!" and the ones who fainted were trampled to death by those rushing to see her. She wasn't there, of course; someone had put some excelsior on top of a hatchet but the resemblance was enough to cause a queen panic. So I no longer use them. And you cannot believe the sight of twenty queens in a barrack lip-synching to "Memories." I almost did away with my own troops. The air grew black, my vision hazy, and jars of honey materialized in the air and dropped on the head of everyone, who were expected to pay $300 each for them.

No, I use only people forced out by "Don't ask, don't tell"--a lot of them speak Arabic by the way and the CIA needs them--and they read Soldier of Fortune and as for Bloomy's? I snap my fingers at that prole place. Some of the display rooms still are done in peach and gray! So 80s. No, I have a PX with fatigues that really do fit and alterations are a specialty. After it's all done, with the bulges all arranged and displayed, we call the result Cammo Ammo.

You think that the words "American Idol" won't fetch your proles. Of course you don't give them television but I have smuggled in samizdat pictures of Our Many Titted Empress on a 10' silver charger, an apple in her mouth--it cuts down on the vibrations which were shaking the camera--her collops braided in finger waves, covered by pineapple rings and cherries stuck in with tent stakes. I have told them that that is the American Idol. Considering the meagre calorie rations that you permit your serfs, our Many Titted Empress could feed the entire state of Oaxaca come to cook in the greasy-spoons of New York City but toiling in your fields.

And pink lipstick and glitter? I overheard Nansky making an assignation with Janet and Helen talking about your place. They put a curse on it--the next time that a normal man gets excited, his private parts will become concave, all the better to join in the fun with Nansky, Janet, Helen and the new pledge, Barbara Mikulski. You'd better be nice to me, Meow. After that curse, the only guards that will work for you will be ones very carefully checking the fit of the other guards' uniforms with particular attention to how the trousers fit.
 

Quote:

On St. Patrick's Day I was in an Irish pub with Craig Livingstone, Bernie Nussbaum and Robert Reich


Theocritus! You saw Craig? That's impossible! There's no way. I had him sent to.....to.....the cleaners. Yeah, the cleaners..to....to...to pick up my teal dress.
He hasn't brought it back yet. It's been seven years.
You're lying Theocritus! I want you to pick up my teal dress!

Hillary '08
 

Hillary, my love, Craig came by to see me en route to the cleaner's and I told him to forget the teal dress but to take a certain blue dress to the cleaner's and knowing what a screw up he is, er, was, I was sure that he wouldn't get it to the cleaner's.

So that's why you're not in the White House now. Red will be sorry he let me in these pages for I am triumphant! Pink is the new red!

Bow to me! Press those seams!
 

Quote:

Bow to me! Press those seams!

You can bow to me, then I'll show you how to press seams like a ham sandwich. As a matter of fact, I'll bring the whipped cream and Marachino cherries when you bow to me! Surge me baby! Help me "Seal-a-hole."
Why can't you be a Betterworldhero Theocritus? My husband is!
We're still trying to find a better coloring book artist for my portrait.

 

Would I be the ham sandwich? You forget, I'm already queer. I don't think that Jerry Falwell would like your method of conversion, and even the most libertarian would suggest that I do it within my own species. I'm a fruit-bat, by the way, first cousin to a moon-bat. They're the ones we don't talk about. They were the ones who brought in the Mediterranean Fruit Fly and Governor Jerry Med Fly Brown got in trouble over my distant cousins.

And are you sure that Bill is the father of your child? I always thought that he was schtupping some bimbo in your bed and you came in and sat on the wet spot.

Goddamn it, I'm tired. Why doesn't the sun go down? I ordered it to! Arnold, shoot the sun! Make it go away! I'm sweepy.

Time for my meds like a good progressive. Moonbats unite behind your leader Fruitbat! Where are the pills with the stripe? I like the stripes. Theo wanna jujubees with stripes. Gimme stripe. Arnold! Put some of those pills in Janet's dried-out box and grind them up and dissolve them in widows' tears and give it to me!

Shoot the sun!
 

Nancy

O'Brien, you're a different case... now march your ass over here to kiss mine while I still have my panties down... oh, and be quick; I don't want it to chap up again (among other things).


Comrade Pelosivich,

Unfortunately I only take orders from Glorious Uber Comrade HRC, Lenin, Marx, and Stalin.  Again I would like to humbly and respectfully remind you that 'Love is fleeting....Power is eternal.' Your actions are not going unnoticed and when you are replaced as Glorious Uber Comrade HRC's handmaiden, you will have no protection.  But until that day I bow to Glorious Uber Comrade HRC's wishes that you are her current concubine and 'respect the rank not the person' so to speak.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

O'Brien, I sentence you to the ultimate hell of having to read Hayek--the worst possible punishment for a progressive. If you'd been following this thread, you'd know that HRC is on her way out, squealing, her trotters digging into the turf, and I'm planning on painting a white line from Nancy's house--to the Potomac! She'll fall in and I'll be the only one standing.

Damn. Those pills didn't work. What's that haze in front of my eyes? I know. It's POWER I'm seeing. Red rivers of power!
 

Commissar Theocritus

O'Brien, I sentence you to the ultimate hell of having to read Hayek--the worst possible punishment for a progressive. If you'd been following this thread, you'd know that HRC is on her way out, squealing, her trotters digging into the turf, and I'm planning on painting a white line from Nancy's house--to the Potomac! She'll fall in and I'll be the only one standing.

Damn. Those pills didn't work. What's that haze in front of my eyes? I know. It's POWER I'm seeing. Red rivers of power!

Never, Trostky-ite!  Glorious Uber Comrade HRC will reign supreme and the faithful will purge the ranks of turncoats!!

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

You do not know that I have repurposed [sick] the People's Funds to the research labs at Berkley to discover a new heretofore-unknown wrinkle of physics. I noticed that at a press conference in which HRC stood on a podium, people were backing off owing to the sounds of the cracking wood, and to solve this, the next podium was made with I-beams supporting rebar in prestressed concrete. This stopped the creaking, of course, but I, with my eagle eye, which can gauge the carat of a diamond at 300 paces and determine its refractive index, noticed that there was a slight bending of light around HRC's ass.

To that end I have been having Nansky's Lupe go over every night to Uber Comrade HRC's house with a four-gallon pot of beans and home-made tortillas, which she puts into a bespoke Steuben trough. HRC tucks in and only I, who have trawled unspeakable places (no kidding) could remain with my lunch down. So far the doorways of her house have been widened twice, and the wrinkle of physics that I paid Berkley to discover (holding the families of the Asian scientists hostage, of course) is that after her ass reaches two ax-handles in width, she'll disappear up her snatch.

This may also answer where the teal dress and Craig Livingstone went to.

And explain the dull roar that accompanies here everywhere.

I shall prevail. I always do. I spent 50 years pretending to be normal and now everything is out in the open. I can give rise to my true feelings as Protector of the People. All Hail Me!
 

Comrades!!! Comrades!!!

While the current round of Party(tm) discord is most entertaining! You are doing such awful things to the Party(tm) that George W(easel) Bushitler and his Nazi Party can only dream of!!!

We MUST unite behind Uber Comrade HRC in her quest to conquer ... er ... lead the USSA. Given how wide her ass is, there is plenty of room for all of us and then some!

Comrade Theocritus, do not make the mighty hand of Stalin's ghost smite thee for such heresy! Here, take the Red Pill. If you refuse, you will be sent to Simon Cowell's re-education camp on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, CA for a full body waxing. A full body waxing that would take several days!!! Sanjaya will be his assistant.

Comrade Pelosivich ... ... hmmmmmm... ... You are bordering dangerously close to committing a Thought Crime on the magnitude of unforgivable!!!!!! Do you want to spend time inside the Jane Fonda Research Center for Anti-Socialist Disorders? Look what that place did to Jeane Kirkpatrick! I know what goes on in your little 150 room dacha. I have informants on your staff. You can't even take a shit with out me and a Milk-Of-Magnesia suppository being present!!! So, get your tuchis back in line unless you want to hear a little knock on your door and having someone throw you to the floor, put an AK-47 up you, and yell "Say hello to my leetle freend!!!".

Dear Leader, HRC!!! I join with your devoted Comrade, Chairman Meow S. Punchenko. I pledge my undying support to you and the revolution! You have nothing to fear! Except for that yeast infection that Comrade Pelosivich can't seem to get rid of.

COMRADES! PULL TOGETHER!

Do it for The Party(tm)!!! Do it for The Revolution(tm)!!! And do it for The Children(tm)!!! That's what we doing it for!!! What about the children???"

Besides, I'm out of beer and popcorn from watching this show for such a long time! LUPE!!!!!!

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
 

Party discord!?! What "discord" are you speaking of? THERE WILL NOT BE ANY DISCORD! Now come over here to Granma Nancy, children; I baked cookies for everyone... and brownies for the older comrades. Wheres Jerry? Jer Bear? Where are you, hun? Mama Nancy needs a baggy  of your finest... pronto!

OK, phew... I see everyone is hot and bothered right now, maybe a little antsy because they haven't soaked their hands in the tears of the accused. This worries me... and gives me cramps and mild itching which my doctor told me was perfectly normal for a womyn my age. So, Hill darling - maybe its time... time... FOR THE PURGE OF OBAMA THE WICKED! I can't stand him, Hill. Like, the media swoons over him and...and...and it hurts, Hill! It really, really hurts! Like the time you heated that glass Hido in that pizza oven and shoved it up where the sun don't shine... that kind of hurt.

Oh please, Hill! I want a purge to be our anniversary gift to each other! How romantic it would be to sit on the bench together... a vibrating bench that is... while watching our arch political nemesis writhe under the revolutionary justice of The People/Children! Ohh! We can get the grandchildren to pull the switch when all is done and said! Oh Hillary! Please let me use my gavel to condemn him! Oh I beg of you, please Hill, please!

Hillary/Reno '08
 

Nansky and My Many Titted Empress, by all means use all the appliances that you want but bear in mind that if you use them you'll have to pay a royalty. And if you use Helen the toaster, it will be pigamy. (Quit groaning. You deserve worse and by Alexander the Great, you're gonna get it.)

I hope that you realize that since I've acquired control of Merck that all research on medicine for yeast infection has been stopped, and you are SOL with your Clap of Doom. I've put the scientists to figuring out a chemical to be put in tap water which utterly destroys the brains of those who drink it, making them slaves to whoever tells them to get pissed off. In this way everyone will become a Progressive. Oddly enough, Party Members can stay safe by drinking only bottled water and carrot juice because there's no need to waste this wondrous drug, with the working name of Rockefeller 1.5, on the people who normally refuse to drink anything but bottled water and carrot juice because their damage is already done.

Zampolit Blokhayev, you do not scare me with your threats about Simon Cowell. I am the one who suggested to him that he form Il Divo. Simon and I have arranged to have them perform a New Year's Eve concert at the Hyatt Regency at Crown Center in Kansas City and the treacle will send the kitsch quotient to such a level that everyone will die of insulin shock.

I will be avenged!
 

A purge would be nice. Of course a list of candidates would have to be submitted, stamped, filed, stamped again and then processed by 600 elderly apparatchiks (who work for poligrip... or else!). I do feel as if it is getting a bit crowded in D.C, you know, with all these demagogues running around trying to proclaim themselves the Party Center. Chucky is becoming bothersome... and Howard, sheesh; I would sell my soul again to see him on the chopping block. A little spring purge is never a bad thing, especially when we have all of these people cluttering and gumming up the wheels of revolutionary justice.

Helen is dead, Theocritus. Yuri dumped her in the Potomac along with all the other garbage in my life. Besides, I met a lovely lady with oodles of money and one foot in the voting booth (she’s 93). It's just a matter of getting my name on her will to seal the deal... or "seal-the-hole"... loop-hole that is. I had her adult kids sent to summer camp to get them out of the mansion and away from any lawyers. I know, I know, its not summer yet... nor is it a summer camp where I sent them.
 

How refreshing. Killing a toaster by dropping it in water instead of my usual thing--killing unsatisfactory people I've made use of by dropping a toaster in the bath. They were drugged, of course, by drops in the the liquor stolen from hotel room minibars I've booked under a credit card from Nancy Peloski's identity, stolen, of course, by me.

But be warned, Meow; do not under any circumstances let John Kerry know of your intended. If she has one single penny more than Teri Heinz, then Teri's history and you'll wind up in the Potomac yourself. Don't ever get between a gigolo and some cash. Hell, if John Kerry thought that I had money, he'd offer himself to me. I have on good information that before Secretariat died he offered himself to the horse if he'd get half the stud fees.
 

I'm not worried about non-person "K". He knows better than to stray in unfriendly territory... and Palm Beach is not welcoming of losers (except for me because I told them I was Europeon). Speaking of Europeons, have we lost the war yet? And has Europa fallen to the Eastern liberators? Maybe we could exchange our Democrat trade-secrets with the E.U apparatchiks to help them push their voluntary surrender sooner... March is good for us; it should be good for them as well! The Ides of March would be most appropriate for our surrender date in Iraq and I will write a letter to my Congressperson demanding that our surrender take place on that most holiest of backstabbing days!

Et tu, Chuck Hagel?
 

Et tu, Miaue? I have made alliance with our brothers who were vanquished by Gucci Gorbi when he thought that the Evil Ronald Reagan had something with his SDI. I knew how to prop them up for it hurts my progressive conscience to let 300 million people from under the heel of oppression, er, politically correct thought, but I calculated that if I could use the Reaganauts to destroy the Soviet Union then I wouldn't have to fight them later.

But the hard core is still there, Miau; it is still there. All it needs is a little more time for regrouping, and to receive funds which Nansky is sending them out of the General Treasury under the sow-eyes of Our Many Titted Empress. For Nansky is in truth MY puppet, not HRC's. At a billion a day--"A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking real money. E. Dirksen"--it will take until, I calculate May Day for them to be stong enough to aid us in our putsch.

So I advise patience. By May Day they will be able to help. By the Ides of May, not March, they will have helped and I shall kill them too. Silly fools. To have had hundreds of million groaning under the lash, er, luxuriating in the lap of correct thought and behavior with large and well-staffed spas in balmy Siberia, and to have thrown it away? They have shown they cannot be trusted.

And this revolution of mine was started by a secret meeting at a memorial service for John Rawls, who is to our cause what Foucault is to deconstructionism or Mengele was to medical science.

All hail the people! Yeah. All hail me. Out of my fondness for you, I shall lead you in the ways of a true progressive, to heights of power lust that even HRC can only dream of. Soon I'll have people applying for licenses to breathe, and they'll have to calculate how many breaths they'll need on a given day, and if they have congestion, then they'll turn blue. Tough shit.
 

Someone up the good Commissar's medication... I think he is a little down in the dumps and talking crazy now.
 

Crazy? What bolshie bullshit is this? If I could only get some sleep...the voices....the voices...
 

There, there, Commissar Theocritus <injects ambien> go to sleep now, let the handling of the state rest in the hands of us responsible adults. The ambien will go straight to your head and make you sleepy, all is well... all is well. Here, take your car keys just in case you get the sudden urge to vote. Here's your teddy bear also...

Awwaaah, look at him, comrades, all peaceful and fast asleep. Good, now I can look around and see where he is stashing his ca$h... Hmmm... Where oh where do gay Party members stash their ca$h so that no one finds out... where oh where??? Ohh! Ohh! I know!! THE CLOSET! Mwahaha! Hopefully I will find Grant and my good friend Benny Franklin hiding in there, maybe some Chr***mas presents too!
 

Commissar Theocritus

Zampolit Blokhayev, you do not scare me with your threats about Simon Cowell.

Very Well... then your waxing shall be performed on you by:

Quote:

I am the one who suggested to him that he form Il Divo.

WHAT!  Yooooooouuuuuuu........ BASTARD!!!  How dare you unleash such HORRORS upon the world!!!!   REPORT TO COMRAD PELOSKI's Cubicle of Summary Execution. Wait! Belay that!  Report to Kansas City!!! For to live and die in Kansas City is redundant!!!!!!  You shall burn in Kansas City hell for Il Divo!!!!

Bend to the will of the Political Officer!!! Obey me! Obey me! Obey me!!!

--
Peace through the institutionalized slavery of welfare,
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
 

Herr Politikal Office Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev, Bill O'Reilly doesn't scare me either. He can do nothing to me. Once I cut him in pieces and sewed him back together, but I had forgotten to mark which piece is which. And I got the asshole and mouth reversed and found that it didn't matter.

Nor does Kansas City scare me. I happened to spend Christmas Day in Room 3514 of the Hyatt Crown Center, and used the 4Mb/s speed Ethernet service to reprogram all my minions. It's nice to have the resources of an empty hotel's T-1. And after spending days in the Kitcsh Capital of the World, Kansas City, and Crown Center--supported by Merck and Upjohn to get market for their insulin--I have no fear of anything.

I can walk underneath a B&W 801 Nautilus suspended above me oozing out Perry Como Muzak. It slides right off. I snap my fingers at Cabbage Patch Dolls. I eviscerate Elmos. I crucify Pippi Longstocking. Winnie the Pooh is painted on the bottom of my toilet.

Nothing scares me. But I'll scare YOU. I have 2 GB of photos of the Crown Center Christmas Tree. The star. The escalator. The Link. And Crown Center itself--the Disney Ride "It's a Small World After All" so bad that you miss the singing robots. And with everything closed at 7 PM! And with fat people stupider than cows getting in the way! And with NOTHING THERE.

Aha. Trifle with me, will you? I have seen into hell and Crown Center is it!
 

Commissar Theocritus

Aha. Trifle with me, will you? I have seen into hell and Crown Center is it!

That's just Crazy Talk!

But look on the bright side, when they let you out of the KU Medical Center you can walk just 3 blocks over to Jimmy's Jigger. Late at night they have live Jazz, baby!! It's where the possessed go to mingle!!!

P.S. Bill wants you to put his asshole back where it belongs. He keeps bitching about constipation or something like that. Or.... was it that he said that his lipstick didn't match it??? I forget!

--
Yours in Socialist Dementia,
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
 

Ah yes. How could I have forgotten the splendor of our Many Titted Empress, her hooves laquered with the finest of L'Oreal Paris, with inlays by Faberge stolen at gunpoint, er, graciously given to the People by the Forbes Foundation.

And I humbly aspire to the crumbs from the pickings of her table. For after all, after the First Sow has finished, a few dead people in Iraq will be a mere tarradiddle, for we shall have a holocaust on earth. Pig Power! If we sat up all night we could not hope to replicate the destruction of the Glorious Socialist Revolution.

After all, a few dead bomb-throwers are nothing compared to 100,000,000 million slaughtered by the people I so admire.

W is a piker. Any self-respecting Socialist can do more before breakfast and on a slow day.
 

Theocritus,

I'm sorry, but I will not be able to live a tormented existence on your "ranch", please forgive me. No, I have to make a run up to D.C and snag some appropriations for a nation building project that my firm...uhhh... my charity group, yes, charity group is putting together for the oppressed Lego Peoples of the world. Uhhh.... I think they're handing me roughly 7 billion (suckers!) to undertake this daunting task of liberating these poor, helpless and needy people as they fight a cruel and vicious dictator (names wanted, please). Ummm... yeah... I'm traveling with a delegation of Party faithful including Her Grace, The Right Honorable Madam Speaker, as we survey suitable spots to construct this new People's Democracy (The Syrians are also donating money, suckers!).

Signed in the blood of the murdering imperialist hordes,

M. S. Punchenko
 

Ah Comrade. I see that you too have found the deep, soul-satisfying pleasures of the Green Movement. Ever since Algore started telling those whoppers about global warming, that is alerting people to the crisis which will make Thera and Vesuvius and the Yucatan meteor strike seem like a performance of The Pirates of Penzance, with, of course, Linda Ronstadt performing as her once-paramour Governor Moonbeam stares in the audience. Into the middle distance. As people wiggle fingers in front of his eyes. And it is NOT true that he was using her as a beard. He's as straight as Our Many Titted Empress's wayward husband. Not that Willie's pecker is straight, mind; read Gennifer Flowers.

Not only has Algore found a way to lend his beneficent guidance to the benighted people on this ailing and dying planet, but he has also managed to corner the market on corn for ethanol, causing our neighbors to the south a food shortage, trebling the price of masa, made of corn, used in tamales and tortillas. And since they have no strength to go across the Rio Grande, Algore has solved the immigration problem.

And what matter the misery of third-world countries? They will merely be first to experience the New World Order!
 

Comrade Blue Bell -

As a registered member you are entitled to start your own thread on the People's Blog. Why don't you do start a discussion there? Think of it as a forum. Here, little one: take a rationing coupon as an encouragement. It was good for a kilo of beets last month - but it has my gigantic fingerprints on it; it may come handy when the time comes to prove your loyalty (and/or connections) to the Party.

In fact, I just moved your earlier post and all related responses to a new location
http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1160

Say hello for the Little People for me, will you?

-- Big Red
 

greetings fellow Reds.
hopefully with the new Democratic strategy we will gain more in Iraq.
hopefully that blue zone will work better then a green zone.
only if we could deploy those Democrats.
Yoni from horsesring.com
 

Wow... I leave for a week and this happens..... People, People. please calm yourselves. Take a few shots of vodka for the love of Lennin. All this discord will end when we regain full controll of the USSA (name change pending) and then implement our total control of ALL media.

Then, just like in Bosnia, we can do nothing, tie the hands of our troops (unless they are attacking Right Winger's homes), and claim victory.