Since the initially successful effort by academia to ban US military recruiters on campuses has had frustratingly little effect on the overall recruitment numbers, the non-partisan organization "Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices" (PAURP) is pushing for a change in strategy to undermine the US military in wartime.

The so-called "Academia's New Iraq Strategy," designed to boost morale and guide activist professors out of an apparent quagmire, calls for a surge in numbers of "terrorist" recruiters on campus, as well as extending invitations to representatives of the Cuban, North Korean, and Venezuelan militaries.

"Our Universities are a public trust; they're learning laboratories where students should be exposed to as many ideas as possible - provided they don't promote the harmful notion of American military victory," said Dr. Winston Palimpsest, history professor at UC-Boulder and chairman of PAURP, which now boasts chapters on more than 200 colleges campuses nationwide.

"If Bush is sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq, how can the enemies of neocolonialism compete with those numbers without a fairness doctrine when it comes to recruitment?" Dr. Palimpsest said at a fund-raising event held yesterday in Seattle.

"My colleagues in the academy are worried that their students are only getting one side of the story. In the interest of tolerance and diversity, as well as leveling the playing field - or should we say battlefield - we must redress the recruiting balance by boosting the numbers of recruiters from various so-called 'terrorist' organizations, communist regimes, and any group that opposes and resents American capitalist success."

Mr. Sayf Hazem, a representative of Hezbollah and the biggest donor of the Seattle fundraiser, says it's about time.

"We've been discriminated against for too long on the college campuses of America," Hazem stated in a phone interview.

"We know thousands of American students are depressed and suicidal. If we can get them to take a few Jews with them when they off themselves, then it's a win-win."



The more enterprising militant Islamic groups have hired U.S. marketing firms and are developing aggressive strategies and slogans to rival those of the U.S. military. Here are a few of the snappier ones:

• "Islam is the Shizlam!"
• "For you, we'll make it 73 virgins!"
• "Martyrdom is the new black!"
• "We're all about some collateral damage, bitches!"

As eager as ever to augment their numbers, terrorist groups are focusing on the skills and experience that their recruits will acquire. Such skills, Hazem argues, will prepare young jihadis for future careers in many fields, especially those involving the handling of explosives, making devises that require timers, crop dusting, cargo container inspection, hazardous material truck driving, and pharmaceuticals, to name a few.

Man in the street interviews:

To protest military recruiters is just silly. If you really believe that the country should have no army, you have the political means at your disposal, to promote and elect those representatives who would pass such a bill and vote on it. Disbanding the army would, of course, endanger all the other citizens, so such a measure would never get passed. That's because the Founding Fathers have given us the greatest fool-proof political system that protects us from this sort of inanity. And that is why these nutjobs want to change our system through non-constitutional means.

---

If you think logically, these protests can't be about gays in the military. They're about crippling America's ability to defend itself in a time of war. They think if America is hit hard enough they'll be able to change our system - at the cost of many thousand American lives. That's a criminal intent.

---

The "anti-war" label is misleading. These people aren't really against war - they're against America winning a war. With their Che Guevara shirts and all, they'll surely support a war that suits their ideology. Incidentally, a war that suits their ideology would be a war against America.

---

 

Excuse me comrades in the Propaganda department, but don't you mean, "Colleges to Allow FREEDOM FIGHTER Recuiters on Campus?" What would comrade Moore say if he were to hear of his Minutemen being called terrorists? After all what about the state sponsored terrorism of blah, blah, blah, etc.?
 

The "scare quotes" around the word "terrorist" are there if you look hard enough, comrade.  Surely you see them, don't you?  Or, perhaps, your vision is failing you because you're observing from beyond the grave, no?  Please report to Room 101 for an exam; O'Brien and Dr. Fuku will make sure you see things correctly.

On a side note, Dr. Fuku should be credited with developing Michael Moore's trifocals, which enable him to see his Big Macs in the past, present, and future.
 

I am thankful to see our comrades in academia launching a new campaign the same time as the Party is in Congress. During the prelude to the November 7th revolution, the Party kept announcing a need for such nonsense themes as "bipartisanship" and a new strategy in Iraq. Now, with McHalliburtonBushHitler proposing additional imperialist troops in Iraq and a new "strategy," the Party is standing as a glorious obstacle to a new strategy with partisanship! I hope this alliance and mutual offensive is a major step in the destruction of the U.S.!
 

Branish

I hope this alliance and mutual offensive is a major step in the destruction of the U.S.!

You bet, Comrade Branish!  "One nation under Allah"...  Islam, however, will only remain the Shizlam as long as it's useful in subverting American imperialist hegemony.  
------------------------

In a related story, House Democrats have just introduced a bill making it a hate crime to use the epithet "terrorist" when referring to members of radical Islamist groups that are bent on the destruction of Western civilization and use lethal violence toward this end.
 

Quote:

In a related story, House Democrats have just introduced a bill making it a hate crime to use the epithet "terrorist" when referring to members of radical Islamist groups that are bent on the destruction of Western civilization and use lethal violence toward this end.

It's about time someone stands up to defend those who want to kill them!
 

Comrades, the freedom-fighter organizations now recruiting on college campuses request your assistance in coming up with new, provocative slogans.

As the story above relates, they've already deployed these four:  

"Islam is the Shizlam!"
"For you, we'll make it 73 virgins!"
"Martyrdom is the bomb!"
"We're all about some collateral damage, bitches!"

It's a good start, but they need some really clever hooks.  Sloganeers, the Revolution is calling!
 

"Who needs women when you've got camels?"

"Islam: Painting the town red with explosives, and ourselves."

"Do not fear us, we just want to kill you!"
 

"Rules of Engagement?  You can't be serious."

"Kill an infidel, for Fidel!"
 

Mark J. Drozdowski writes about college slogans in this article
in which he says,

Quote:

"Also undistinguished are pithy efforts like “Making a Difference” or “A Distinctive Approach.” Anderson University touts its “Excellent Performance” while Bethel College encourages you to “Take the Next Step.” Warner College invites you to “Join a Community” and Calumet College of St. Joseph says “You Can.” Can what?"

These phrases seem pretty applicable here, and as no good comrade should be above a little shameless borrowing here it is...

Jihad!  Making a Difference
Wahab: A Distinctive Approach.
Islamo-fascist freedom bombers: Excellent Performance
Serious about your faith? Take the Next Step.
Mullahs encourage you to "Join a Community "
Terrorism. You Can.
 

Or maybe

qital fi sabilillah.  the only words you'll ever need to spell in college.

 

"Say no to profiteering and yes to Propheteering!"

"Chop heads not tax rates!"
 

Make WAR!  Not LOVE!

 

The soft white underbelly of the vile amerikans can be seen at every learning institution in Amerika. Terrorists, void of any pesky millitary recuiters, can now massage and stroke that underbelly till it responds with compliance and solidarity. As our brethern at the ACLU have opened the door for us we WILL gladly go...

Stoshu
 

"Why be like all the other stuffed suits and carry a briefcase to work, when you could be carrying a suitcase nuke?"

"Boycott 24 - how dare those Zionist bastards portray radical Islamic fundamentalists as intolerant, homicidal zealots?"  

"Double your pleasure!  Limited recruitment special.  Join now and increase your posthumous ration of virgins by 100%!"
 

I propose that we also open Soviet military recruitment centers on campuses.  The left would enjoy the chance to fight for their cause.  We all know the potential of the leftist college student, why not give them a gun and send them to far away places to stamp out capitalism and stop oppression (and integrate them into Mother Russia)
 

Premier Brezhnev

I propose that we also open Soviet military recruitment centers on campuses.

Dearest Premier comrade Brezhnev, would though but that we could. I know, I know... However, we can open Venezuelan military recruitment centers on campus! Millions of young college students would love to become the soldiers of socialism if only but given the opportunity. They would fight any war under that banner.
 

Comrade Otis

However, we can open Venezuelan military recruitment centers on campus! Millions of young college students would love to become the soldiers of socialism if only but given the opportunity. They would fight any war under that banner.

You are correct, Comrade Otis.  Progressive students have raised hundreds of different, subversive banners atop The Ivory Tower, expressing their intention to crush the corporatist fascist state when they grow up.

Professors Against Unfair Recruiting Practices (PAURP) has already extended an invitation to the armed forces of Venezuela, North Korea, and Cuba.  I am pleased to report that recruiters from these model nations will be arriving on our 200+ participating campuses in a matter of weeks.

We also plan to make overtures to the militaries of Iran, Syria, China, Vietnam, and, of course, FRANCE!

A votre sante, mes amis!

--Dr. P
 

Don't forget Belarus, Dr. P!
 

Dr. P, very good news - PAURP has caused The Bulletin of Revolutionary Scientists to advance the inevitable clock of revolution one minute closer to midnight!


 

Good job, Comrade Otis. It is the Bulletin of Revolutionary Scientists at Karl Marx Treatment Center I presume, were you serve under the rank of Doctor of Dictatorship 1st Class? One minute closer to midnight it is! <clink>
 

Spaceba, comrade Red Square. Ambiguity fixed and the guilty going through self-criticism therapy.

It is my privilege to enjoy the Party's trust in that rank you mention. I, though, am but a humble country peasant of no great consequence, of no influence, of no personal ambition, and prefer to be addressed simply by my Party name, Comrade Otis. I find being addressed by Party titles to be ... so ... bourgeois and unsettling. I believe in the great leveling infuence of the Party.

To midnight. <clink>
 

Comrade Otis, you are a paragon of selflessness!  I hope you do not find such praise unsettling.  You are a comrade whose beliefs and actions warrant emulation.  

Imagine if we all gave up our titles and perks - the Revolutionary clock might move another two, or even three, minutes closer to midnight and the dawning of the great socialist New Day.  There would be no more Chairman Meow, just modest ole Comrade Meow - no more Premier Betty, just simply, Comrade Betty - no more Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda, just the unassuming Comrade Pravda.  And I would drop the "Dr." from my name and be a regular Joe, the demure Comrade Palimpsest.  

Hmm...  We don't really want to rush things too quickly, do we?

To midnight, then, when the time is right!  *clink*
 

For the love of Lenin, Comrade Otis, what are you thinking?! We musn't relinquish our titles that were given to us by The People <stuff pockets with cash> to think of such a dreadful calamity <stuffs pockets with expensive O'dourves> its unheard of <stuffs pockets with party favors> uggh, I can't imagine such a thing happening <stuffs hooker into car> never! Never I say! (I'll meet you at the Purple Panda tonight, Dr. P. Bring those graduate students with you - oh, and a crate of Propaganda.)

To progress and the Party! *clink* (ahhh, conflict crystal!)

<limo wheels squeal>
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

(I'll meet you at the Purple Panda tonight, Dr. P. Bring those graduate students with you - oh, and a crate of Propaganda.)

To progress and the Party! *clink* (ahhh, conflict crystal!)

<limo wheels squeal>

I'll see you there, Punchy, old pal.  But tonight, we'll be leaving the graduate students to their studies.  Instead, we have "representatives" of the Venezuelan and North Korean armed forces to entertain, and, let's just say that Hugo and Kim really have fine taste in "commandos of the night", if you know what I mean.

<lights up phat, contraband Montecristo Robusto>
 

Comrade Otis

Premier Brezhnev

I propose that we also open Soviet military recruitment centers on campuses.

Dearest Premier comrade Brezhnev, would though but that we could. I know, I know... However, we can open Venezuelan military recruitment centers on campus! Millions of young college students would love to become the soldiers of socialism if only but given the opportunity. They would fight any war under that banner.

You are a genius!  If they do join the Venezuelans, Soviet advisors would be doing the training anyway.  The Soviets will pick the best of the best and take them to Russia for further training.
 

Premier Brezhnev

You are a genius!  If they do join the Venezuelans, Soviet advisors would be doing the training anyway.  The Soviets will pick the best of the best and take them to Russia for further training.

Dearest Premier comrade Brezhnev, Your keen, lightning quick grasp of the possibilities is only exceeded by your magnanimous, well-reasoned decision to relate your thoughts to those of us of slower mental caliber than you.

Dearest Premier comrade Brezhnev, to midnight! <clink>
 

We need more human shields.
 

A boxcar of these meat shields is on their way. The re-education camps were very gracious in their contribution.
 

See No Jihad, Hear No Jihad

On college campuses news of the terrorist threat is "offensive"
http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/Re ... p?ID=26770

FrontPage Magazine

February 5, 2007
In a decision that reveals the state of denial on American campuses, the editorial board of the Georgica Tech student paper – The Georgia Tech Technique – has rejected an ad from the Terrorism Awareness Project warning students about the threat that radical Islam poses to America. Nor is it the first campus publication to chill open debate on radical Islamic terrorism.