Hillary's Presidential Message (Reading Btwn The Lines)

Edited for people with impaired ability to read between the lines.

Highlights:

• Every American deserves a free rationing coupon
• One sack of beets and potatoes a month for the middle class
• It's not your money, it's the government's
• The Constitution doesn't cut it anymore
• Put an end to Bush's economic boom
• We need Central Planning and one-party rule
• You will love my five year plans
• Terrorists? Let's chat
• Reduce dependence on foreign oil by making domestic pixie juice
• I'll do all the thinking for you
• I'll tax you into prosperity
• I'll be respected abroad and feared at home
• Send me CA$H and get Bill Clinton as your next co-president ABSOLUTELY FREE!
• Power to the Proper People!

 

I deserve 2 ration coupons because I said so.
 

Right so. And that is the only real criteria of determining our needs. Whatever you feel you need is what you're entitled to. Take chairman Punchenko. In addition to a ration coupon he also needs a limo with a private chauffeur, a golden door to his apartment, and a pair of expensive hookers at least three times a week. That is his lifestyle and changing it will make him a sad Chairman. We are not here to judge. Instead, we must pull all our resources to provide him with his needs at the expense of those who are willing (or forced) to sacrifice for the Common Good™.

That is the fairest system one can imagine. This is what our progressive leaders mean when they speak of Social Justice™.
 

<curls bottom lip> You don't want to make me sad now, do you Premier?:-(
 

Do not be fooled, my friends, by Hillary's words. She can talk up a good five-year program or two, but the truth is revealed at Counterpunch:

Quote:

As Sen. Clinton embraces Israel's violence, as well as AIPAC's duplicitous Iran position, she simultaneously ignores the hostilities inflicted upon Palestine, as numerous Palestinians have been killed during the recent shelling of the Gaza Strip. Over the past weeks Israel continues to mark the occupied territories (they call 'buffer zones') like a frothing-mouth K9 on the loose.

Hillary Clinton's silence toward Israel's brutality implies the senator will continue to support AIPAC's mission to occupy the whole of the occupied territories, as well as a war on Iran in the future. AIPAC's right -- even President Bush appears to be a little sheepish when up against Hillary "warmonger" Clinton.
 

Your Excellency!

I just LOVED your rendition of the Angry White Man Song... especially when you kind of rolled your eyes during the "home of the brave" line.... it was exquisite!

(can I borrow some $oft-ca$h? I have a bookie who wants to break my legs)
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

<curls bottom lip> You don't want to make me sad now, do you Premier?:-(
OoooOoooh! Poor Chairy-wair-man... It's oookay... Nobody wants to make you sad.  Just put the Hot Pocket down and let that last Stoli and mint schnappes Jell-O® shooter settle first... that was a good dessert, wasn't it!?.... There's a good Meow... neither the Dachels nor the hookers want to see you sad, and Pravda and I have had just about as much puke as we can handle until the opening of business on February 1st... we've run out of dry cleaning ration coupons for January just getting your new curtains cleaned... again.

... Here's a good Chairman... feet up... swippers off... no more pouting... smile for Sister... all snuggled up and tucked in and warm?  Good.  I'm going to read you a bed-time story about how everything has a happy ending because the Nanny State looks after all of us and gives us everything we need and the pixies make us juice and nymphs in diaphanous slips skip around tossing ration coupons into the air like confetti... it's kinda like Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but there are no abused non-union Oompa-Loompas and all the candy is free... The heroines name is Hillary, and she's the most Beautiful Red Queen in all the land... ... ...

<quiet zzzz... zzzz... zzzz... zzzz... zzzz>

Aww... he's so cute when he's drunk and asleep in bed rather than a puddle of his own sick... How can you not love him?
 

Zzzzzzz....Zzzzzzz.....Zzzzzzzz...mmm $oft-ca$h.....Zzzzzzz.....Zzzzzzzzz
 

Prof Peter Kurgman, PhD^3

Do not be fooled, my friends, by Hillary's words. She can talk up a good five-year program or two, but the truth is revealed at Counterpunch:

Quote:

As Sen. Clinton embraces Israel's violence, as well as AIPAC's duplicitous Iran position, she simultaneously ignores the hostilities inflicted upon Palestine, as numerous Palestinians have been killed during the recent shelling of the Gaza Strip. Over the past weeks Israel continues to mark the occupied territories (they call 'buffer zones') like a frothing-mouth K9 on the loose.

Hillary Clinton's silence toward Israel's brutality implies the senator will continue to support AIPAC's mission to occupy the whole of the occupied territories, as well as a war on Iran in the future. AIPAC's right -- even President Bush appears to be a little sheepish when up against Hillary "warmonger" Clinton.

Professor Kurgman,

As I was sitting at home this morning, minding my own business, bread started to suddenly fall from the sky.... bread... and bread pans, but never mind those... It came to pass that I turned on a news broadcast to discover that a freedom fighter had entered a Patisserie in Eilat and self-detonated for the greater good of the tartines... (and I do love tartines... con confiture d'abricot, and a well-barrista'd cafe au lait... sitting out on the patio of a little Parisian cafe, watching rioters run by carrying flaming debris to light the next Deux Chevaux... the romantic mystery of the screams emanating from the acrid pall hanging over the street and wafting by like so much mist... but that's neither here nor there) and of the Burekas... really good potato and onion Burekas...

But just imagine!  Pain!... Bread!... The very essence of life... falling from the sky like so many baguette missiles... Manna, for goodness sake... and all because Sa Grande Majesté wisely - in her infinite and breathtaking wisdom - refuses to cut off our bread (and bread pan) rations by prematurely involving herself in what is a complicated situation beyond even your doctored understanding... It's not that she's hardened to the suffering of the poor downtrodden Palestinean whin... umm... martyrs... She clearly has a well-considered plan and were I to guess (though I couldn't begin to come close to the Byzantine pathways her genius must travel) I would say that she is orchestrating a win/win situation... the Palestineans are allowed to keep advertising their cause on the world stage by self-detonating in far flung bakeries throughout the Zionist abomination, and we, on the other side of the globe, are the recipients of her heavenly rations...

Where is the trust?!?  WHERE IS THE TRUST, PROFESSOR!!!
S.M.O.
 

Is there anyway to download this for mysocialistspace.com upload?

I need this on myspace to fight fascist propanda machine.........

Comrade Hening
 

Hening

Is there anyway to download this for mysocialistspace.com upload?
Click on the video (will take you to YouTube), find "Embed" and click on the code next to it. Then post that code in yoursocialistspace.com page.

-- Propaganda Department
 

Myspace is the devil! I mean, the Bush!
 

Hillary

I want that idiot who left my mic on fired now!
Ever thought of recording duets with William Hung?

Here's something to fall onto if Presidency doesn't work out... Oops... Did I just commit a thoughtcrime? I knew flattery could take me far, but digging ditches in the tundra is not exactly what I had in mind...
 

William Hung is so last year! I haven't heard about him for almost several years now.
 

Thank you, Comrade.
Let the 'add to friend's list in order to bash video offering' begin!!!!


Comrade Hening
 

Premier Betty

William Hung is so last year! I haven't heard about him for almost several years now.
Too bad. I had a nice fundraising activity in mind involving Alva Goldbook and his band. Imagine them and Hillary singing together.

I hear Hung made a lot of ca$h with his "special olympics" singing style. Come to think of it, it's really unfair that only people with the so-called "musical ear" get promoted in the music industry. We need to break the glass  ceiling for the "tone-deaf" and Hillary was born to do it. She will be the first woman in history to record an album while "tine-deaf." And you WILL ALL BUY IT dammit! Just like you bought her best-selling book and pretended to read it!
 

We MUST tear down AmeriKKKan Idol! You have no idea how many self-esteems they ruin in the course of an hour... NO IDEA!

AmeriKKKan Idol - The Party is putting you on notice!
 

Quote:

I hear Hung made a lot of ca$h with his "special olympics" singing style.


The song "Special Olympics" by Stephen Lynch rivals that of the great Wierd Al.
 

Premier Betty

I deserve 2 ration coupons because I said so.

Red Square

Right so. And that is the only real criteria of determining our needs. Whatever you feel you need is what you're entitled to.
I need a soft-serve hot fudge sundae...

Quote:

Take chairman Punchenko... That is his lifestyle and changing it will make him a sad Chairman.
Now.

Quote:

We are not here to judge. Instead, we must pull all our resources to provide him with his needs at the expense of those who are willing (or forced) to sacrifice for the Common Good™
Where is my sundae?  Are you judging me?

<whispers...Chairman?  It's not working. Did I use the right tone?  Well, I don't see what Attica has to do with anything... wouldn't a Gitmo-granny chant be better?  Okay... I'll try that...>

Quote:

That is the fairest system one can imagine.
NOW!!!

Quote:

This is what our progressive leaders mean when they speak of Social Justice™.
mmmMMMmmm... s'good...

She's got my vote...
 

Comrades, are we not missing the joyous proclamation embedded here?  Hillary will visit all of our living rooms!!! I find that a very decorous prospect (esp. given the Victoria's Secret specially commissioned statue of our glorious leader without her cute little red jacket!)  I am already planning what marvelous song I will request she sing off key in my living room.  The future begins tomorrow, comrades!  Book your glorious leader living room visit now!


 

Red Square

Hillary

I want that idiot who left my mic on fired now!
Ever thought of recording duets with William Hung?

Here's something to fall onto if Presidency doesn't work out... Oops... Did I just commit a thoughtcrime? I knew flattery could take me far, but digging ditches in the tundra is not exactly what I had in mind...

Now there's an Idea,

Anybody want to photoshop the album cover
"America Loves Hilary Clinton"
 

Or like the Dean Beats, loop it using a media mixer?  That would be cool... that is to say, that would definitely benefit the people's agenda and further the principles of the revolution.  Step forward, humble technological wizards of the republic, and give generously of your talents for our glorious cause!


 

Comrades,

  Hillary, errr Dear Leader, will do what the evil Republikans have failed to do.  She will stem the tide of Illegal immigration.  Besides doing away with the arbitrary concept of a border, she will also impliment her "Universal" Health Care system, whether the sentient lifeforms in the Centauri system want it or not, thus eliminating the need for anyone to migrate to this country.  Why flee your own rotten health care system for some other country's rotten system.  Hillary says, "Let's chat... about misery for all."

When is she going to visit a Mosque for cash?

RIK
 

AbecedariusRex

Comrades, are we not missing the joyous proclamation embedded here?  Hillary will visit all of our living rooms!!!
Why isn't she throwing ration coupons in the air in this picture?  Where are the ration coupons? The propaganda department seems not to be doing its job properly lately... The rules are, nymphs in diaphanous slips skipping and flinging coupons like so many nubile flower girls, OR, Sa Grande Majeste herself, showering her benevolence upon her subjects...

Dammit... who approved this?
 

I WAS PROMISED NYMPHS, FAIRIES, HAPPY GARDEN GNOMES AND, AND, AND RATION COUPONS BEING THROWN IN THE AIR! <crying> Bwahahahaaaaa! I WANTED PIXIE MAGIC FAIRY FUEL! Bwahahahaaa! Damn you Propagandist! Damn you all to Detroit, now get back to work and fix this! (Hillary as the Red Queen of Bleeding Hearts may stay.... EVERYTHING ELSE HAS TO GO!)
 

Hm... did she really say "protect our soldiers"?
I was sure that soldiers have to protect their state...
 

Will this do?  (or do I get purged...)


See larger image
 

As a side note... anyone want a dog?  Good dogs!  Cheap!
http://www.obeythepurebreed.com/downloads.html
 

Comrades! The revolution draws nigh!  The time is almost upon us where we will be free of this capitalist oppression, just hang on a little longer!  
 Comrade AbecedariusRex,  you are absoultly right, it is a great honor to have the great Hillary herself, come to our living rooms though the wonders of The Peoples Technology.  I look foward to her brain washing -err, I mean, great wisdom.
 Now for my list, I want 12 ration coupons, a new sports car, a condo, and since I have been financially challenged in the past, I deserve to not work and live off the rich (through taxes and government assistance of course!) because I have been a subject to this Social Darwinism system for too long!!  Oh mighty Empress! Take your thrown quickly and set me free from this bondage!!!
 

Progressive rodent.... CONSIDER YOUR DEMANDS MET! In good timing... possibly next Tuesday... you will have all the things you envy others having. We shall bridge this gap between the Haves and the Have Nots and forever the Party will be the supreme law of the land and blah blah blah send me a check.

Comrade Abcedariusrex has redeemed himself and will be given an extra beet ration (I cannot guarantee it will be a fresh beet - but a beet is a beet and be happy you have something to eat this month.)
 

Thank you, oh chairman, thank you.  I will love this beet and hold it and caress it and I will make for you a special cup of pixie juice!


(Me in action)
 

Thats alright, Comrade Abcedariusrex. I would much rather settle for my two hookers, a bottle of Stoli and a progressive shindig with celebrities, award-winning authors and of course... Bea Arthur.
 

I need the Adirondacks.

IS there some paperwork I need to fill out or something?  Or do I just start putting up the razor wire?

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
 

There is no paper work required, paperwork requires thinking, and we can't have the unwashed toiling masses thinking can we? No, we just require you to sign your name in your own blood on this diseased paper.
 

COMRADES! FREE THINKER!  I have a humanoid acquaintance that said that "if we purge someone because they are no longer useful, is that not the same as the Kapitalist firing others because they are not useful?"  I immediately kicked him out and ran down to the college for the latest re-education course.  What should be done to this free thinker!?  Send him to the workers camp with night courses on re-education!? Or is this a case where there needs to be something more drastic?
 

Are Commissar Hillary's hooters really as nice as they appear in the sculpture?

If they are indeed, I firmly believe she can help advance the revolution by showing showing some cleavage.

C'mon comrade, let's see a little more of the "motherland"!  Do it for the sake of the proletariat!
 

RedtheProgressiveHedgehog

COMRADES! FREE THINKER!  I have a humanoid acquaintance that said that "if we purge someone because they are no longer useful, is that not the same as the Kapitalist firing others because they are not useful?"  I immediately kicked him out and ran down to the college for the latest re-education course.  What should be done to this free thinker!?  Send him to the workers camp with night courses on re-education!? Or is this a case where there needs to be something more drastic?
Is trick question, right?  A Mulva-ism?

When Kapitalist fires worker is natural and inevitable outcome of commodity fetishism and subsequent reification resulting in alienation...

When Party purges thought-criminal, is for thinking... for not accepting Progressive Truth that is gift of the Party... when worker thinks, worker becomes useless to the commune, danger to commune and self, and so purging is for the greater good of the Kollective.

One is exploitation. Other is just common sense...
 

Thank you Comrade Sister Massively Opiated for defining that for me.  I can assure you that once Hillary has taken office, I will be the first to report this awful thought crime.
 

Quote:

I can assure you that once Hillary has taken office, I will be the first to report this awful thought crime.
Why wait, my spiny friend?  Is not race.  Procrastination may be seen as waiting to win.  Competition is thought-crime.
 

Sister Massively Opiated

Quote:

I can assure you that once Hillary has taken office, I will be the first to report this awful thought crime.
Why wait, my spiny friend?  Is not race.  Procrastination may be seen as waiting to win.  Competition is thought-crime.

Comrade Sister Massively Opiated,

 At the moment, there is nothing I can do.  While the revolution is only a short time aways, and we have already taken controll of the congress (which is rightfully ours), Bush-Hitler is still in office.  The evil puppet Bush that is being controlled by big oil business has not allowed such actions.  Once the revolution has come,  I will do such in an instant.  Make no mistake about it, I am not waiting to win, nor am I gulity of any thought crimes (I have already gone to a re-eduction center).
 

HILLARY WANTS TO CONFISCATE OIL PROFITS! FINALLY SHE SAID IT!


 

Finally!

Hillary/Chavez '08
 

Premier Betty

I deserve 2 ration coupons because I said so.

Red Square

Right so. And that is the only real criteria of determining our needs. Whatever you feel you need is what you're entitled to. That is the fairest system one can imagine. This is what our progressive leaders mean when they speak of Social Justice™.

Red Square

HILLARY WANTS TO CONFISCATE OIL PROFITS! FINALLY SHE SAID IT!

I DESERVE HILLARY'S CONFISCATED OIL PROFITS!!!
 

Sister Massively Opiated

I DESERVE HILLARY'S CONFISCATED OIL PROFITS!!!
Making North America energy independent, one sister at a time.

Actually, I think what Hillary meant was making America energy-ndependent from oil companies. If pixie juice doesn't work, there's always Hugo Chavez, he's not going anywhere since he just made himself president for life.
 

Meowsevitch

<curls bottom lip> You don't want to make me sad now, do you Premier?
This is the point where Meow would get to pout... his bottom lip would be quivering even as he typed... am I allowed to pout?
 

No, you're not allowed to pout! Where were you today? I don't recall seeing you at the Party Winter Meeting of Hope, Unity and Peace? I saw Pravda there, he was in the back chatting up some unwashed student protestors... I saw Betty there too, assisting Commissar Theocritus with the transmitted Marching-Orders that is mandatory for all Black Berry toting Party Brown Shirts... Hmm, maybe you were in the back assisting Her Excellency in the removal of unwanted hair?

OMG, did you guys get to meet the Imam who closed the meeting with a prayer? It was SOOOO Progressive, you have no idea... I nearly bawled my eyes out when seeing the Party cater to his every need... Ugh, I am so proud to be a Demokrat... It won't be long now until we completely surrender to a more peaceful religion.
 

I was in the bunker on my hands and knees with a bucket of soapy water, some disinfectant, and a scrubbing brush, trying to get your puke stains out of EVERYTHING, you ungrateful...

Gaah!... at least you could aim when you pee... or sit down if you're too drunk to keep a steady stream... Better yet... next time you pee lift up the lid... not the seat... THE LID!!!

I'll give you Her Excellencies unwanted hair!!!
 

NEVER! I refuse to lift the seat! I REFUSE! I didn't denounce all those members of my family, my friends, pets that disappointed me and the elderly to "lift" the seat, OK? I have special rights that transcend everyone else’s rights... I worked hard..no, I *calculated* and *manipulated* hard to get where I am today. I'm rich and I don't have to deal with this. Now where is my drink and that little tart who Kucinich is married to; I wish to speak to her about..errhmm.. some things of a personal and scandalous nature.
 

I repeat:

I DESERVE HILLARY'S CONFISCATED OIL PROFITS!!! ... and RED said so...
 

I want....hmmm, 40%! IT'S FAIR! I DESERVE PROFITS TOO YA KNOW!
 

I am still stuck with Boy George in a crate in one of my root cellars and you still have not wired the promised funds to my offshore account... I'M STUCK WITH BOY GEORGE IN A CRATE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!...

You still have not given me a valid credit card number for your 'talks' with "Miss Chicken Sushi"... I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR OVER A WEEK NOW!!!

I read you bedtime stories to calm you down when you have one of your 'fits'... I clean up your puke on a regualar basis... I put up with Helen and that vacuum cleaner bitch... and don't even talk to me about the electrical burns I have to apply salve to...

Red said, "Whatever you feel you need is what you're entitled to. That is the fairest system one can imagine."  He wasn't just talking about you... I am entitled... I feel I need it... You push and you push and you puke and you puke, and I still haven't seen any Dachels... and still you puke some more... "my curtains... boo hoo hoo... I've puked all over my own curtains again because I drank all my Stoli and then everyone elses.. boo hoo hoo"... "My golden doors need polishing... my shoes need polishing... my hookers need polishing'... "get me my hot pockets.. boo hoo hoo"...

DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FAIR!!!
 

It is... I need Oil Profits... I need them now. You just don't understand the pain it is being a Chairperson... you really don't know how hard it is to compete with other demonic forces within the DNC. Did you know Howard actually went through the trouble of getting the Madame Speaker to key my Royce? NO, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT. He also hired Lupe to pick me up from the airport in San-Franny and drive the limo into the bay...which is a long and complicated story which started with Howard and me competing for the affection of an industrial sized blender. Yes; I know I drink alot, puke alot and have bizzare demands - but thats because I have a troubled existence in my daily duties. IT IS HARD BEING A PARTY CHAIRPERSON! Did you know I also have to wake up before 3 PM? No, you didn't know that because you are not walking in my fine Italian shoes.

It would be nice to SHARE COLLECTIVELY what the Party snags in Oil profits... that's all... a little profit sharing for the Common Good is all I ask.

( My credit cards are no good... I maxed them out. I wrote you a check BTW, and if you haven't recieved it yet you can blame the U.S Postal Service.)
 

Now I'm upset because people are not feeling my pain. <sobs> I'm not self-absorbed! I do the things I do because it's all for the children! I do it for the children! <weeps> why doesn't anyone understand me! Boo hoo hoo; I'm a victim now! <blows nose on hundred dollar bill> It's all Howards fault; I saw him in the kitchen at the last Party conference trying to hook up with that industrial sized blender! I told him that I saw her first and all this other crap, and then he slapped me! The bastard slapped me right in the face, and, and there was this big fight and more slapping, and, and then Her Excellency came in and grabbed him by the balls and threw him out.... and then she.... SHE YELLED AT ME! Boo hoo hoo! Why does Howard get all the perks!? I should have gotten his job! He makes a couple million more than me and he's not even qualified! ALL HE DOES IS SCREAM AND PURSE HIS LIPS! Boo hooo hooooo! I wanted to be National Chairman! I WANTED IT! I WANTED IT BEFORE HE DID! IT'S NOT FAIR!! <falls to floor kicking and screaming> HE'S A WASHED UP HACK GOVERNOR!!! Ugh... wheres my smelling ca$h... I need my smelling ca$h.
 

I love Comrade Clinton's jacket!  Red is definitely her color...
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

Now I'm upset because people are not feeling my pain. <sobs> I'm not self-absorbed! I do the things I do because it's all for the children! I do it for the children! <weeps> why doesn't anyone understand me! Boo hoo hoo; I'm a victim now! <blows nose on hundred dollar bill> It's all Howards fault; I saw him in the kitchen at the last Party conference trying to hook up with that industrial sized blender! I told him that I saw her first and all this other crap, and then he slapped me! The bastard slapped me right in the face, and, and there was this big fight and more slapping, and, and then Her Excellency came in and grabbed him by the balls and threw him out.... and then she.... SHE YELLED AT ME! Boo hoo hoo! Why does Howard get all the perks!? I should have gotten his job! He makes a couple million more than me and he's not even qualified! ALL HE DOES IS SCREAM AND PURSE HIS LIPS! Boo hooo hooooo! I wanted to be National Chairman! I WANTED IT! I WANTED IT BEFORE HE DID! IT'S NOT FAIR!! <falls to floor kicking and screaming> HE'S A WASHED UP HACK GOVERNOR!!! Ugh... wheres my smelling ca$h... I need my smelling ca$h.

Oh for goodness sake, Chairman... deep breaths... deep breaths... I'm sorry that I... well... no, I'm not at all sorry... I deserve as well, but we'll put that aside for a moment... It's not that we begrudge you your complete and utter self-absorption to the point that we regularly have to unwedge your head from your own ass just so you can breath... Nor do we begrudge you the fact that you use your position and the ostensible stress that comes with it to generate unrealistic sympathy with your not very hard lot in life... It's just that we're all under a lot of pressure now that the Red Queen has declared her intention to ascend and all the rest of us have taken on a lot of extra work on top of all of our regualar work and all the extra work we do for you because you're so profoundly incapable of even wiping your own ass (by the way - how are the velcro fasteners on your shoes working out... we thought it might be a good solution when no one is around to tie them for you)... And all we want is a little recongnition... not even recognition - just not to be whipped harder than you already do (except at agreed upon times in Bunker 9)... A little $oft ca$h would go a long way to softening up my mattress, which is giving me backaches and terrible headaches (though the headaches could be from the build-up of ammonia in the communal areas becaues you pee any place you like)... So... deep breaths Chairman... we still love you, which is why we push you to improve... to improve how you treat us, so that we, in turn, can completely spoil you all the more... Think of it as the circle of self-reinforcing party values which create an even stronger nurturing hold on us... squeezing and squeezing and squeezing the love of Party, The People, and Right Thinking into us ever harder and harder... oooh... cuddley...

Feel better now?
 

SMO

So... deep breaths Chairman... we still love you, which is why we push you to improve... to improve how you treat us, so that we, in turn, can completely spoil you all the more

AHA! THOUGHT CRIME! You are trying to provide me with incentives in order to "improve" myself! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS TAINTING YOUR IDEOLOGICAL PURITY! I KNEW IT! OK, I want names, SMO. Who filled your head with the silly notion of "incentives"!? WHO DID IT? Tell me now... we must weed the Party of these cancerous blossoms which dare to strangle our garden of Ideological purity!

<looks around nervously> Was it Howard!? It must be Howard, he is jealous... he's always jealous... enemies...enemies everywhere... we need a purge... we need a purge now.  SMO, compile a list of those who have faultered these past few moons and send it to my secretary for proper submission, filing and stamping... the weeds... they grow and grow and grow! <passes out>
 

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

SMO

So... deep breaths Chairman... we still love you, which is why we push you to improve... to improve how you treat us, so that we, in turn, can completely spoil you all the more
AHA! THOUGHT CRIME!
Exactly, Chairman. That's how the medieval burghers fooled their feudal overlords into trading their feudal power over people's lives for additional wealth, comfort, and services. The unwashed traders and other petty bourgeois tricked the mighty lords with $oft ca$h and other favors! The freer they were, the better was their productivity, the more $oft ca$h the lords got from them! It became economically unreasonable to fight glorious heroic feudal wars when pathetic bourgeois peace was more profitable. Eventually the lords also began to <gasp!> invest into manufacturing and trading of goods.

That was the beginning of the dreaded capitalism and the destruction of the magnificent fairy-tale feudal lifestyle where a few enlightened (literate) lords maintained their welfare fiefdoms populated by the unwashed illiterate masses. The nostalgia for that noble lifestyle is still driving the rich liberal elites - and that's why Queen Hillary MUST be restored to her rightful throne.

No more dirty bourgeois tricks! Capitalism must be destroyed. We will not allow peasants to "spoil us all the more." We will ourselves take all the spoils from the peasants. No questioning of authority shall be tolerated. STRICT PARTY DISCIPLINE SHALL BE ENFORCED. Chairman, you're in charge of the Party discipline!
 

Oh for Stalin's sake... Pardon my expeditious use of anything necessary to get Meow to stop freaking out yet again... to be honest, I'll say anything to get him to stop whining, and if that's a Thought-crime, well... then you'll just have to re-edukate me... Just remember who cleans up his sick...
 

And not to cross-polinate or anything but apparently:

One man's puke is another man's purge....

PMSing
SMO
 

Yes, Comrade Red Square - STRICT PARTY ORTHODOXY MUST BE MAINTAINED!

Our glorious socialist system relies on people like me pissing and puking all over the place to see who will "tolerate" it and who will "question" it. Those who question such an act are indeed thought-criminals and must be dealt with in a fashion that is both painful and enlightening. Those who "tolerate" such an offense are indeed the Communist New Man who will also tolerate our educational seminars, wealth re-distribution, pocket stuffing, and other assorted forms of Sanctioned Moral Corruption which is needed to ensure the survival of our Great Socialist Utopia.

I told you, SMO - IT'S ALL FOR THE CHILDREN! We must ensure that they get to live in The Progressive World of Next Tuesday... we must!
 

Most Perfect Comrade Chairman,

Now that you put it in those terms, I understand perfectly what my thought-crime has been... Rest assured that I have purged the thought from my head (by repeatedly hitting myself in the head with flat of the crevice tool of an unknown vacuum cleaner... one who volunteered for the task for the greater good of the Party), and that I will continue to work diligently toward perfekt understanding for the greater good of the Party.  I believe I can most humbly assure you that I will be able to achieve said perfektion by The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.

Bowing and Scraping
SMO
 

I forgive you, SMO. Yes, no one is perfect but Lenin, we know this by reading revisionist history and other assorted works that you can find at your local  participating Books-A-Million. I also am aware that your trangressions against the State will not be healed until The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ rolls around... which of course is next Tuesday... not this Tuesday coming up... but next Tuesday after this Tuesday. You see, The People like to think that progress will happen tomorrow... this of course is a lie by reactionary Kulaks because we all know that it will take a full 7 day period (including weekends!) to acheive pure Communism. That is why it is imperative for the proles to be as productive and selfless in those 7 days so that we may all live in the utopia that is The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™. It's so easy a Knuckle-Dragging Republican can understand it!

Abandon all faith... and ye shall be rewarded by the benevolent hairy hand of Hillary R. Clinton!
 

Sister Massively Opiated

I repeat:

I DESERVE HILLARY'S CONFISCATED OIL PROFITS!!! ... and RED said so...

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

 
I want....hmmm, 40%! IT'S FAIR! I DESERVE PROFITS TOO YA KNOW!


Chairman M. S. Punchenko & Sister Massively Opiated, while it is true that both of you deserve to have the oil profits because you said so, I would like to enlighten you to the fact of what OUR GREAT LEADER is doing.  This is twofold: 1.  She is using the money to circumvent the great apocalypse that is coming upon on us quickly because of global warming.  2.  By doing this action,  THE GREAT LEADER will cause the oil companies to go out of business after Magic Pixie Juice is perfected, thus using their own money to kill themselves.  It is like telling a blacksmith to make a knife, and telling him that you are going to use that knife to kill him.  While this would normally not be acceptable, we are dealing with evil capitalistic oil companies, in which case this is ok.

 So it is that I ask you to make your own personal sacrifice for The Common Good.
 

WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!?!? Make my own personal sacrifice!? ARE YOU MAD!? Ugh... I tire of having to explain Party Doctrine... I really am tired now. OK, we can compromise progressive rodent... we can compromise. How about this; I give you..oh I don't know... a promotion to the position of... hmm, lemme see here... Commissar of Wild Life and Buggery IN EXCHANGE for me walking away with 40% of the Oil Profits.... no questions asked - sound good to you?

I will be waiting for a reply... don't let me down!
 

Ok Chairmen,  I like you offer, except, I need to be made Commissar over something else to fall back on.  According to the progressive movie "An Inconvenient Truth"  the global average temperatures will rise to 200 degrees in 20 years.  At that time there will be no wild life.  So make me Commissar over two departments, and we have a deal, you walk away with 40% of the profits.
 

Sorry Chairman,  I did not see that you are making Commissar over two things already, but I want something different than Buggery,  I have evolved beyond such things.  Make me Commissar over Wild Life and Robotics (which will replace the wild life), and you have a deal.
 

Hmm, a legitimate claim, progressive rodent... a legitimate claim indeed. Hmm, lemme see... what positions are vacant (we had a pretty big purge, bodies all over the street... it's a real mess but we have to fill these positions) Hmm.. I have a Directorate of Voting Resources available (that Directorate handles registering new voting Democrats) and also the Directorate for Party Recreation (which handles the hookers, booze, drugs and other vice which is needed by Party Officials to perform their official duties). It's your pick... maybe you would like to consult a loved one (one that is not rotting in Siberia) before making this lucrative career choice.
 

NO! The Appliance-Amerikans belong to me! ME! I need them... I need them in ways you can't understand.
 

Chairman-- I am not asking for Helen, or your vacuum friend.  I just want those progressive, nonselfish humaniod machines.  It is my way after all.
 

<sigh> fine... I will need you to sign your name here in blood (please ignore the part about your soul and eternal damnation and all that other superstitious Repuglikan crap).
 

Thank you Chairman.  I sold my soul to the party already anyway, so this is not a problem.  I shall report my upgraded status right away.
 

I would like to be Secretary-General of the United Nations... I have always dreamed of being ineffectual, yet having great infuence over the perceptions of others based on little merit... also, I would change my name to something funny.

And then, when we achieve The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™ and establish a true World Government, I would like to be a well-compensated but powerless figurehead.

I am eager to know, Dear Chairman, if these aspirations are seen as valid and korrekt by the Party.

Truly trying to reform
SMO
 

SMO... of all people you would know that I do not have that kind of leverage! It would be wise to speak to Her Excellency on such matters. But yes, every comrade should aspire to be as weak and repugnant as His Excellency Secretary-General Kofi Annan. He alone said NO to the U.S... all the while pissing himself in a Party Approved manner.
 

C Punch, I would like to see RedProgHog's credentials before we put him in charge of our Recreation Department. I need to know if he is up to the task. Remember the guy we had to purge for forgetting to book us a table Inprimus. I can't remember being so embarrassed, arriving at Imprimus and the maitre de saying we didn't have a reservation.  That sort of dereliction of duty I cannot abide.  

Plus, we must know if he's got good taste in "commandos of the night".
 

Sister Massively Opiated, you, you, and you!  Comrade, were is your "The Common Good" spirit?  Now are you going to give up your 60% of the oil profits for The Common Good?  The Chairman is right, we should all inspire to be just like Annan, but there can be only one General in the UN.  Besides, it looks like you are doing a lot for the party already by being a good progressive worker for the Chairman.  Be thankful for your job, he is most generous.
 

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest

C Punch, I would like to see RedProgHog's credentials before we put him in charge of our Recreation Department. I need to know if he is up to the task. Remember the guy we had to purge for forgetting to book us a table Inprimus. I can't remember being so embarrassed, showing at Imprimus and the maitre de saying we didn't have a reservation.  That sort of dereliction of duty I cannot abide.  

Plus, we must know if he's got good taste in "commandos of the night".

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest you do not have to worry, I have not taken the job of the Recreation Department, and I already have taken my position as Commissar of Wild Life and Robotics.
 

Ahh yes, Dr. P - Commissar Roscoe was a miserable wretch indeed! Ugh, I was sooo relieved when he took that leap of faith out my 40th floor window. Some people have no taste... no taste at all! And let us not forget the time when he had us shuttled to a major Party function in a Ford Taurus! THE OUTRAGE! Ugh; I can only wish his demise was more sloppy.

Progressive Rodent; Dr. P and I will need to see your Academic records, magazine rack and also speak to all former girlfriends/appliances before giving you such a noble responsibilty. The Party wills it and it must be done for the Greater Good™ of us all!
 

Yes! ME ME ME... IT'S ALWAYS YOU YOU YOU... ALL OF YOU... Even Betty gets his extra bag of beets and onions....

Fine... I'm going to sleep... This cold has given me a terrible headache anyway... wake me up for May Day... Meow's mess can just built up and we'll raze the bunker and start over as soon as the ground thaws... (Meow - better start going through catalogues and picking out fabric for this spring's new curtains while I hibernate)... See... this is precisely why I went away last year...

... like I'm really going to be upset about sleeping through you boys all going "commandos in the night"...
 

RedtheProgressiveHedgehog

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest you do not have to worry, I have not taken the job of the Recreation Department, and I already have taken my position as Commissar of Wild Life and Robotics.

Wise choice.  The Chairman and I are even more demanding than the mogul-martinet in The Devil Wears Prada.