The People's Cube - Political Satire

Lawrence Williams, the African-American owner of Tasty Treats Bakery™ near Marietta, Georgia, has found himself in legal trouble for refusing to bake a cake for two gay customers. "It's not only against my religious convictions," said Williams, "but I can't bring myself to bake a Ku Klux Klan themed wedding cake festooned with Confederate flags. I told them firmly, but respectfully, that I couldn't serve them, but that they should be able to find another bakery in the area that would."

However, that answer wasn't good enough for gay Confederate Civil War reenactors Chester McElroy and Delmont Elkins. "I can't tell you how hurt we was," lamented Chester. "All we wanted was a cake to celebrate our weddin' 'n' General Forrest's birthday comin' up next week, and he done turned us down flat."

"It was gonna be a real beauty of a cake, too," added Delmont. "We was lookin' forward to gittin' hitched 'n' celebratin' the birthday of the founder of the KKK with a white cone-shaped cake an' tiny Confederate flags all over it, but now that ain't happenin'. Chester here even got the wood at Home Deppo fer the cross burnin' at the reception." Chester nodded while restraining tears.

When asked why not find another bakery or even make their own cake, Delmont answered, "We has got to make a case fer tolerance here. If Mr. Williams is servin' the public, well, he needs to make us our cake, simple as that. Besides, I can't tell you how much we been suffrin' what with 'motional trauma an' anxiety an' all."

"We been suffrin' from loss of appetite an' weight gain," interjected Chester. "Looky here, I'm down to just two chins now, and you know that ain't nothin' but skin and bones fer a reenactor. Some of the other fellers in my unit been commentin' on it, too." Delmont pointed out that he had gained 40 pounds since the incident of last week, and now weighed in at 310 pounds for his 5' 9" frame, a weight alarming even for a Civil War reenactor.

When McElroy and Elkins were informed that Mr. Williams had a great-grandfather who was lynched by the Klan, they were ready with a defense. "That's all lies!" rejoined McElroy hotly, "Everbuddy knows the Klan wasn't doin' nothin' but goin' house to house makin' sure husbands wasn't beatin' their wives. If there was a Klan today, Delmont wouln't've gimme this here black eye." "Well you had it comin'," said Elkins. "I was jest checkin' out another reenactor, same as you do," answered McElroy. "You dern fool!" answered Elkins, "You was makin' eyes at a Yankee! Don't Sixth Ohio mean nothin' to you?" "How would I know? I wasn't home skooed," replied McElroy in defense.

However, not all were in agreement. Olympic gold medalist and local trailer park hero, Lamar Ferguson, was on hand to protest the court ruling against Williams. "I got ancestors that done fought under Stonewall hisself, and I do a little reenactin' too," said Ferguson, "but the way I see it, either this man owns his bakery or he don't. If he owns it, it's fine with me if he decides who he wants to serve."

Joined by his daughter and fellow gold medalist, Betty-Mae Ferguson, the pair represented the local chapter of Rednecks fer Reason, an organization that addresses social issues.

Nevertheless, fines and legal fees have forced Mr. Williams, whose wife is expecting twins, to shut down his bakery that formerly employed five other full-time workers.

"It's the price you pay for tolerance in this country," commented Elkins, "That's what makes 'Murica a free country, an' it serves him right for what he done to us."

Comrade al-...whatever...


Actually, three questions;

Are Chester and Delmont married?

How can Chester tell he's down to only two chins?

During the "reenactments" who holds the barrel and who uses his ramrod?

Esteemed comrade rodent,

1. Yes, and they are currently on their honeymoon.
   
2. During the interview, he had to crane his neck a little to emphasize how emaciated he had become. You make a good point, and I think the number of chins is variable.
   
3. Some questions are better left unanswered.

Sincerely,

al-Blogunov

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

For his another outstandingly equal achievement in promoting equal diversity and diverse equality, Komissar al-Blogunov is hereby awarded another medal and his post is being promoted to the Mother Page!

[img]/images/Medal_MostPC_Site.gif[/img]

As always, this comes with an extra ration of beets, potatoes, and vodka (kickbacks to the management as usual).

Well, I jest hope I done good by the Party™ an' all. Muchos spacebos, everbuddy.

Nevertheless, fines and legal fees have forced Mr. Williams, whose wife is expecting twins, to shut down his bakery that formerly employed five other full-time workers.

Obviously, the Party needs to further aid and encourage more of such suits and the laws to make them possible. How else are we going to prevail upon the oldest free-market regime in the world?

mi wrote:

Nevertheless, fines and legal fees have forced Mr. Williams, whose wife is expecting twins, to shut down his bakery that formerly employed five other full-time workers.

Obviously, the Party needs to further aid and encourage more of such suits and the laws to make them possible. How else are we going to prevail upon the oldest free-market regime in the world?

Captain Craptek wrote:Are Chester and Delmont married?

I didn't make that clear, so I've updated their status.

It is noted in Chester and Delmont's online wedding album that members of the Negros Of Conscience Against Klan Extortion were invited to attend the post-nuptial ho'down. Chester's heartfelt sentiment is sorely needed: “I finds Iff'n ya kiss and make up, wit a honest to injin stab at buryin' the ol' hatchet inna way that's deeply appreciated, we can join together and form an inseparable bond with the fellowship of man.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

It was a beautiful scene. Confederate reenactors, Klansmen, and representatives of NOCAKE joined arm in arm singing, "We Shall Overcome".

I would be remiss if I failed to mention that an entourage from the Young Cross-dressers of the Confederacy partook in the festivities.

Well, you know there were those Zouave units...

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:Well, you know there were those Zouave units...

zouaves.jpg

The Zouave light in their pants infantry can prance with the best of them.

Dear Komissar al-Blogunov,
I am so happy to congratulate you on your well deserved promotion, and was greatly enlightened by your Most Korrect article!

I was most inspired by your statement, quote, "How far will we go in demanding tolerance? Until everybody agrees with the Current Truth ™, and we will fight until Next Tuesday if necessary."
I applaud your success in not only denying these racists their cake, but preventing anyone from eating such subversive pastry at all!

Much deserved kudos and accolades for your excellent reporting on this very important civil rights story Komissar al-Blogunov!

Do you think Mr. Williams will make a cake for the fast approaching 90th anniversary of the Dimocrat Party?

Courtesy of Genosse Dummkopf:

When CNN made this caricature of Trump voters they didn't realize they were, in fact, a gay couple. Calling Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin! (Get your smelling salts ready, just in case).